Cheating Hubby

Stay well away from involvement but be there for your daughter if needed. Nobody knows what goes on in someone else's relationship and for all you know your DD might be fully aware of her DH's supposed actions and be content with the situation and bear in mind you could also be completely wrong in your assumptions.

Whatever you’re thinking, she knows. Just be ready when she is…

Hi Evie ,

NO !
I just wouldn't .
If you are wrong you will be called a trouble maker .

If you are right then you are opening a can of worms .

If your son in law is cheating - your daughter will notice the signs .
Sadly , one day he'll be careless with his phone and then , she'll know for sure .
His behaviour sounds very suspicious .

I once had an uncomfortable moment with my SIL he was telling me about the new girl in his office (they have the same degree and interests) and then suddenly looked acutely uncomfortable and blushed !
I've never seen a grown man blush !
I thought about it a lot and concluded that he'd made a new friend and I'd tell my daughter .
I think that he was scared .
To my knowledge , in all the years that I've known him he's been a loving , faithful and devoted husband to my extremely bad tempered highly abusive daughter .
She'd certainly notice if he were straying because his life is a rigid inflexible timetable and organised to suit her .

I hope that your SIL isn't cheating on your daughter and that they are happy .
Just be there for her as I know you are .

Don't get involved. Say nothing. Be there to 'pick the pieces up' for your daughter if she needs it.

Marjgran

I think those immediately saying no are being too simplistic. If you have strong suspicions and she later learns you had them, she will be very hurt. I think saying to her “is everything alright” or “he is away from you a lot” is being straight. He may not be cheating but he is avoiding her and being hurtful and she may be afraid to recognise it. I worked with couples for decades and relationships are complex but being able to trust your impressions and using them calmly is part of healthy relating

I agree.

I remember years ago, it was in the July and my Daughter was at University and came home for the Summer I told her that her dad and I hadn’t been getting on and that he admitted he was having an affair. She said she new because she heard him on the phone talking to another woman when I was out. That was the previous December, I asked why she hadn’t told me and she said it would only take time before I found out.

if someone is having an affair ,the signs are usually obvious, but to the one being cheated on rarely, hope over reality.

Get the proof. My home help inadvertently gave me the proof of my husband’s infidelity whilst I was in hospital having our daughter. I was in for a long time and he had felt abandoned ( poor lad🙄). I was devastated at first but it answered a few questions for me and I made up my mind to get rid. Best decision for all of us thanks to my home help.

You would not get any thanks for acting on a gut feeling. A definate no from me.

L

No, I wouldn’t tell her (but I’d want to kill him!)
The advice on Gransnet is always to keep quiet, keep your mouth closed.
I followed this advice always, from long before I joined Gransnet. Sometimes now, I wish I hadn’t. It turns out my daughter was being coercively controlled throughout her long eleven years marriage. He poisoned her mind and I can never forgive him. Silence isn’t always golden.

No, no, no.

Of course it may not be possible but could you help by having your GC for a while so that it would free up your daughter?

Absolutely not! You don’t know the full story and if you would be wrong in your assumption in telling your daughter, you not only risk alienating your grandchildren (if there are any) AND your daughter too. (That might be their reaction/response)

You would be feeling very sorry if that happened to you. Just be there if she turns to you but don’t go hacking down her husband to a pulp. You are there to listen!! These situations often times result in a reconciliation.

Whatever you do, do NOT confront son-in-law.
USA Gundy

Only tell her if you have 100 proof, a photo or a witness who has seen them kissing etc.
In that case, yes. My first husband was a serial cheater and I wish someone had come to me with actual proof rather than my hunches and bad feelings😧. Although he did come home covered in make up once but said some girl had thrown herself at him. I subsequently found out some of his history. He’s been married twice more plus two Thai ladies and countless others.
Looking back I wish Some one had told me the truth. But not my mum with “suspicions and feelings”. Hope it works out.

No! Gut feelings aren't proof and people have been known to be wrong. Either find proof or keep your suspicion to yourself. If you are wrong you could cause major unnecessary heartbreak for your daughter.

No but I’d keep an eye on the situation.

Don't say anything to your son in law
I had no idea my ex was cheating, and while it would have been hard to hear it from anyone I wish someone had told me. If he is cheating then she is at risk of picking up STIs from random women, marital money is being siphoned off to pay for dates with another woman. There is the risk of an extramarital pregnancy
I think OP would know if the marriage was entered I to polyamorously. And if she doesn't know and consent it can't be polyamory
I do agree that you need to tread carefully OP, and don't mention to your son in law at all.If he is cheating she might be blissfully unaware that he has not got a sudden interest in fishing etc. She may be glad of a bit of time to herself
A big problem if the news comes out of the blue is that she will be wrong footed and may not think clearly, ideally she would need to keep that she knows under her hat, and get legal advice and collect all the information she will need before he starts hiding assets etc
Can I suggest a great website called chump lady, she has written a book called leave a cheater gain a life. But the website gives you a list of red flags for cheating, what not to do if you suspect, what to do instead, worth taking a look.
What seems to be very common is that most times it is not the first time, just the first time they got caught
And most cheaters start showing the same behaviours, almost like there is a handbook they all study.
Worth looking at so maybe you could have a chat if she is feeling down at being neglected

I tend NOT to think with my gut! Back off!

If it was me ……When I was next with DD and SIL, I’d invent a “friend” who thinks her son in law is cheating on her daughter and she dosent know what to do about it. Watch his face 1st and then see how your daughter responds. You may get the answer that you’re looking for either way. If you are wrong, there’s no harm done.

No, I’d keep quiet but take notice from the sidelines.

I’d definitely not get involved.

I would definitely say 'NO' and this applies to anyone, not just a daughter. Unless you actually catch the suspect in flagrante delicto (and even then, possibly not...) you cannot possibly know how things are between the couple, and you could do awful harm, in more ways than one. But once your daughter comes to you for support - that's a different matter. My feeling is let your daughter take the lead.

Sounds suspicious to me to. Do not say anything without proof to DD - maybe not even then. Maybe go to the same shop as him (with camera) but even if you find anything keep it to yourself until DD says something to you and she needs evidence. Sometimes these things blow over and they can repair their marriage.

YES. I hate all the people who knew my husband was cheating and didn’t tell me. I would have hated my own mother to be one of them. Talk around the subject to your daughter and try to understand her views on the subject. Then go with your gut about whether she would want to know or not. My mother hid things from me. I never forgave her.

EvieJ

Question

If you suspect your son in-law is cheating on your daughter, would you tell her ?
I don't have proof but my gut tells me i'm right,

If you suspected your daughter was cheating on your son-in-law, would you tell him or would you have a mother-daughter talk, or stay out of it??

Esmay - I like your honesty