When does asking questions become an invasion of privacy?

So I either (in my mind) end up seeming not to care because I don’t ask, or reminding her of her difficulties on her pleasant morning walk.

This is a good point. I never mention health issues to my mum, as I'd never hear the end of it. Ailments are her favourite topic of conversation, and I don't like the thought of mine being discussed with her friends and other family members, but also I don't want to have to talk about them in every conversation so I could never put them out of my mind. I have a few ongoing problems just now, and don't want to be defined by them, which is what would happen. If my mum got a hint that I'd visited a doctor she'd think she had a right to know what is wrong, but IMO she absolutely doesn't.

Dickens

^Another taboo - to me - is asking younger childless couples when they’re going to have a baby, or try for one. So nosy and thoughtless, when there could easily be infertility or any other reason that’s purely their own business.^

I can't believe anyone could still believe it's OK to ask this question - although I believe that in the family environment it sometimes is.

Back in the days of my youth, I do remember such a question being asked. I did a lot of 'temping' for years and therefore met a lot of people, and this question was asked of me on more than one occasion.

Times have changed, thank goodness. In that respect, I once lost a long-term 'temp' booking with a bank because I was "heavily" pregnant, and the manager didn't think it was acceptable (he actually said that to my agency manager). I was 'back-office' anyway, so no customers would've seen my appalling condition!

Strangely, another bank took me on, along with another "heavily" pregnant lady - and even arranged for a special table for us to work on that was high enough to accommodate what the tabloids cringingly refer to now as a baby-bump.

I only mentioned the baby issue because I’ve seen complaints about it on MN. Often, I’m afraid to say, it’s been asked by the all-too-often dreaded MiL…

The title of this thread is interesting, and one that I had never considered until yesterday after I had come back from walking with a new group. It’s difficult to break the ice with people unless you ask questions and I generally start with “Do you live locally?”and take it from there. Or, “Have you always lived here?” I was walking with a lady who told me she had moved from a place I had had some connections with, and so there was a thread to link us, but I often find myself desperately rabbiting on without giving a thought to whether the person I’m talking to finds it intrusive or not! I’m new to all this fledgling communicating and frankly, I hate it.

As far as I m concerned there are no questions you would never ask. it depends entirely on the circumstances of any conversation, who is invoved, what they have already said and where the conversationis taken place.

I have a mantra 'never say never' because there are a range of things I have done or have, where the tempation to say 'never' was almost overwhelming, but I managed not to - and I am so glad I did (a cruise and vertical blinds come to mind), so no question is ever 'never', just in case.

M0nica

Surely it is a case of horses for courses and knowing when to ask questions and when to studiously avoid them.

Ahh but I don’t have your absolute confidence in myself that you clearly have.

So I dither (mentally)

MerylStreep

I have a friend who takes meanness to Olympic level. A good comedy writer could make a very funny sketch on her.
When she interrogates me ( and she does interrogate) the devil Meryl comes out and I exaggerate quite a lot 😂

When she interrogates me ( and she does interrogate) the devil Meryl comes out and I exaggerate quite a lot 😂

I don't blame you!

My late mother did the same - she was divorced, and people would ask her "what happened?", including complete strangers, to whom she replied with whatever came into her head at that moment, making up the most bizarre stories. She said it served them right for being so bloody nosey.

Witzend

I only mentioned the baby issue because I’ve seen complaints about it on MN. Often, I’m afraid to say, it’s been asked by the all-too-often dreaded MiL…

Yes, it seems some MiLs think it's their right to know when they might expect to become grandmothers, and I can well understand the resentment from MN'ers.

My own DiL had some problems conceiving - which I only became aware of because she chose to tell me - gosh, I'd never have asked either her or my DS what their plans were regarding children. In fact, I never asked any questions, just assumed they'd tell me what they wanted me to know.

Sago I think you sound like a nice person who's interested in other people, and like you keep the conversation going.

I do occasionally get questions from friends about the quite personal details of others (health, relationships etc), and I reply that I don't know, I didn't ask and that if X wanted me to know, they'd have told me.

I have reason to be concerned about a young relation. His father told me he doesn't want to talk about him, so if were to broach the subject this would be rude.

V3ra

Norah

My brother is single after a couple of failed marriages. People intrusively ask his status. My husband, typically silent but quite funny, answers stupid questions: "Still, tall, handsome, wealthy, single. Must be bad in bed."

This makes me laugh - though it breaks the no sex rule. Shuts people up completely for a year or so.

You've reminded me about a relative's second husband, who none of the family liked very much.
Her son once told her, "He must be good in bed mother, because I can't think what else you see in him" 🤭

When typically silent people reply sarcastically to stupid questions I'm very amused. Why ask such twaddle?

My husband and brother are best friends, my husband truly tires of silly intrusive questions - there is an interesting world to natter on about. Or not, silence is so underrated, people should be silent more often.

I have a friend who rarely ask anybody anything where as I go into full interrogation mode…😁

I don’t have your absolute confidence in myself that you clearly have.

I don't have it either but I have been chatting and talking to people for nearly 80 years now, so inevitably I have gained considerable experience over the years on how to conduct conversations and what questions can and cannot be asked in what circumstances. Occasionally I blunder. Most of us learn from our mistakes.

As for people asking me intrusive questions, I have learned by now how not to answer them or tell them I find them intrusive. But, I cannot say that happens very often.

It strikes me that maybe she hadn’t been told by her son and was embarrassed by that and gave a reply that covered it up? Not everyone has great relationships with their kids. Perhaps she was jealous he had told you? Who knows? Nowt so queer as folk!

If anybody asks me an intrusive question, I ask that person that exact question- that's my answer

I get "why would you ask me that!", them saying bye, changing the subject, etc

That means they know it's intrusive but they don't care till they called out

Sago

I ask a lot of questions, for example when meeting people for the first time I would maybe ask where they were from or how they knew the hosts.

With our threeAC, I ask about their work, plans re holidays etc.

My sister in law apparently doesn’t like that I ask so many questions, on the few occasions I see her, I may ask how her sons are, is she going away, how’s work etc.

Yesterday I asked my friend and neighbour how her son had got on in a job interview, he had told us the previous day and was clearly excited.
My neighbour said she hadn’t asked him, she doesn’t like to invade his privacy.
She once said to me “ I’m not like you, I don’t ask so many questions”

I’m now feeling a bit paranoid😬.

She must have realised he'd told you about the interview otherwise you wouldn't have known about it. I think her response was a bit 'snippy'.

Gosh, if someone was attentive to something my son had told them, I'd be delighted that they were interested enough to enquire further.

A job interview isn't something you normally broadcast far and wide so he must regard you as a friend - maybe that's the problem, a little bit of jealousy because he confided in you?

I think you sound friendly and approachable .
Carry on being your true self .
My son told me once not to ask him how he is and so I stopped then months later he said I didn't care because I never ask how he is
We had a long talk and he said sorry
The only questions I don't ask are what my mum told me not to ask someone us about their money sex life or religion she said if they bring these topics up its their choice.

I’m the same as you. I always thought that it was taking an interest in other people! If they don’t want to answer the questions they don’t have to 💁

My son told me not to interrogate his girlfriends! I was just asking the usual social stuff! I mean it’s nice to know who you are talking to - in case you put your foot in it! Anyhow I pulled back after his comment. Next thing was, You aren’t interested in my girlfriend, you never ask her about herself!
With friends, I usually ask questions about their family, holidays etc!
But one friend told me I would make a good investigative journalist! 😂
So if I sit in silence and the other party doesn’t ask me anything, we may as well turn the tv on!

This thread has reminded me of when DD first went to Uni.
They were a mixed group from quite a few countries. When one person asked someone what they had said to another They were told that in their country your first polite greeting of the morning was"And how are your bowels today?"They were told to carry on in their own language as the rest were tucking into their bacon and eggs.

General message this I was taught a long time ago I was a Nurse, not to use abbreviation as some have double meanings
But they seem to get used a lot on here ie GG DD Op AC ????

My car is off the road so I have had to use buses for a couple of days.

Twice I have been interrogated and one time actually got off the bus before my stop.

Being asked where I live, what I do, and about children and grandchildren all within earshot of the rest of the bus.

hazelnuts perhaps you are new. It does get confusing sometimes, but at the bottom of each page there is a subject of Acronyms and if you click on it, you will get all the abbreviations.

I haven't read every single post on this thread (so I don't know if someone else has mentioned this as a typical American trait), but it makes me chuckle. I was born and lived in the United States and moved to Switzerland in the 90's and then England in 1999 where I have cherished every day and and become a British citizen. I didn't notice how intrusive most Americans are, until I moved to Switzerland, where people are very reserved. And then coming to England, I found people to be generally very polite and considerate, even though many were dying to ask what made me move to the UK in my 40's. This thread has shown me that there are actually quite a few nosy people here as well!

nanna8

If they have brought the subject up, as happened with the OP, I would think it is just showing an interest to ask how an interview went. Let’s face it, you are just being nice and it doesn’t make any difference to you . I am careful with asking people about their health issues because people can be funny about that and / or they may tell you in way too much gory detail! Depends on the person. We have one friend, originally from a remote Scottish island and she never tells me or anyone else anything, you have to prise conversation out of her and then it is mostly monosyllabic. She’s a good sort, though and we have learnt to live with it. Horses for courses as they say.

Nanna8. People who live in these small communities learn to be very private as gossip is rife. I lived in a remote community for a while and I guarantee people knew what I was up to before I did!! And then they felt at liberty to have an opinion and question me and often be quite rude. I was even asked if my partner was good in bed and what was our pillow talk!! So yes, your friend has learned to say very little!

It shows genuine interest that you are interested in family or other people's lives. I never ask personal questions (how people can do this is insensitive), these q's should be strictly taboo, so I never ask about financial matters or if anyone is intending to have a baby. I was at a gathering of friends and family, when a friend asked my AD+her hubby, if they were intending to have a sibling for her young son. My daughter had 3 miscarriages and we felt that type of personal info is upsetting and inappropriate to ask.