When does asking questions become an invasion of privacy?

When one of my daughters told me she'd be bringing home her new boyfriend, I always said "I'll get out my Anglepoise lamp".

I’m now feeling a bit paranoid😬.
No need to.

Nothing wrong with what you asked. The son had told you about the interview.
Silly neighbour.

HowVeryDareYou2

Asking questions about someone's life is showing an interest. I ask people where they live, if they've got grandchildren, etc., and tell them about my life. It's called conversation, isn't it?

I'd never ask if a person was single or married, had children or grandchildren. They may have chosen not to have children, can't have children, have lost children - same with grandchildren.

Not my business, people will tell me if they want me to know.

However, that is only my approach.

I choose to ask about gardens, the news, and food. Some people choose travel, movies and books. Each to their own.

I wouldn’t ask about children or grandchildren either. There can be great sadness behind a lack of either.

I’ve spent most of today with a man who has a learning disability. In any lull in the ‘conversation’ he asks, “How are you/ what you doing later/ how’s your husband/ you alright?”…………but all on repeat. So in the space of an hour he might ask any or all of the above questions half a dozen times. I’ve taken to responding with a smile and saying, “No change since you asked me xx minutes ago.”

You know it can be helpful for people to talk about a bereavements obviously you must be careful enough to pick up from them if they want to talk or not but I ve had people say no one mentions his /her name for fear of upsetting me but to act as if they ve never ‘been’ upsets me more
Take your lead from them if you mention something with no answer or a reluctant answer then you change the subject but I wouldn’t steer away from acknowledging something difficult

Asking general questions shows interest. Asking very personal questions i.e. How much do you earn and pay in tax shows that people are being nosey. You need questions to have conversations or else they become boring monologues and, heaven knows, we get enough of those. If someone asked me how my son's interview went if I knew and felt he would not mind sharing it I would say: 'So far, so good'. If I did not want to answer the question because say he had fluffed it up, I would say:' I am not really sure'. It is all about manners and reading the room.

It's only by asking questions that you really get to know a person, but it's knowing what to ask and how far to go which matters. When you've had to ask the questions that no-one really wants to be asked, to talk about things no-one really wants to talk about, then you also develop an ability to really listen to what that person is telling you. I'd never grill people the way I had to in a professional role, but I think people can tell if you are genuinely interested in what they have to say and want to learn more.

BlueBelle

You know it can be helpful for people to talk about a bereavements obviously you must be careful enough to pick up from them if they want to talk or not but I ve had people say no one mentions his /her name for fear of upsetting me but to act as if they ve never ‘been’ upsets me more
Take your lead from them if you mention something with no answer or a reluctant answer then you change the subject but I wouldn’t steer away from acknowledging something difficult

I had that just after Christmas with my friend whose husband died just before. She said it was a relief to call him by his name and talk about him. He had existed and didn't want him forgotten. I suppose that is one attitude and she was in my house having coffee and relaxing. If I had met her at the shops I would have tried to read her attitude.
My exSIL certainly set out to upset me at my daughter's wedding by asking about my mother's death a few weeks previously when she hadn't even sent her condolences at the time.

Daddima and Theexwife.

I do realise I must have come across as extremely nosey!

Should have said, my friend, the mother of the 40 year old, is a really close friend, we meet up every week, she talks to me a lot about her family, and it is pretty obvious she doesn’t know many details of things.

Just different to how our family are I suppose, we as a family have always chatted and talked to each other a lot.

Germanshepherdsmum

I wouldn’t ask about children or grandchildren either. There can be great sadness behind a lack of either.

Agreed. And also, just because someone has one child it doesn’t mean that they are able to have another one. Because my mum lost so many babies before she had me I’ve never asked anyone about their plans regarding starting a family.

Fine line isn’t it? I’m genuinely open but quite a private person. I don’t question my boys too much in case they think I’m interfering so sometimes I might miss things. But I do have good relationships with them and I know they would call me and confide if necessary.

I have a friend who is very interested in people, and while I know how to be evasive or deflect the conversation at times, there are others that just see her as nosy.

It would be nice to be a witty conversationalist that makes people always feel uplifted, but I fear I do not have the skills. I find it difficult sometimes to chat with people. Not friends, we always have something to discuss, but more casual acquaintances.

I'm with Ravenscroft- a gentle interest in people surely involves (not too personal) questions. Like Pink Cosmos, I know folk who talk endlessly about, and show and post pictures of, their amazingly fascinating family, but never ask about anyone else's. This doesn't build meaningful friendships.

Sago, I have a neighbour who asks endless questions. A chat with her feels like sitting an exam. Other people avoid her too.

She asks how I am, what I've been doing, what my 'plans' are etc. Then she repeats all of that again - for all four of my children. I say I don't know.

It's just excruciating, as she fires the next question as I'm replying - so, now, I don't answer but try to change the subject and/or escape asap. Last time I said I must get home fast as my dinner would be burning.

My dil from another culture antagonized most of our family when we met her. Questions like why do you not breast feed the baby, do you not rinse your dishes,what is that scar on your face,why do you eat that food etc.
We are used to her now and just tell her when something is inappropriate or someone doesn't discuss that personal problem.

I ask questions of people I know well (not inappropriate ones I dont think & as another poster said, you pick up if what you've asked makes them uncomfortable & desist). But with strangers, although I do like meeting new people & passing the time of day with slight acquaintances, I just talk about myself because if I ask questions I can't hear the answer & feel uncomfortable asking people to repeat their reply. It's easier asking them to repeat a question. I feel like they think "why did you ask if you can't hear when I tell you?"

I think you are just like me Sago you are interested in people but not intrusive. Most people really appreciate it.

I will fill any silence

Mostly with blurted out thoughts I have that are completely irrelevant

I'm quite popular at work though so all good

I avoid social things unless it's a small group lol

I am sensitive of people’s feelings to the point of being ridiculous.

So for example a young dog walker with whom I’m on chatting terms is having terrible difficulties finding somewhere to live that is both affordable and decent with her husband. At present they are living with mil.

I am reluctant to ask how she’s doing because it is so upsetting and difficult for her.

So I either (in my mind) end up seeming not to care because I don’t ask, or reminding her of her difficulties on her pleasant morning walk.

One issue I do feel confident about is a couple who planned for a family, got pregnant but then lost the baby through an ectopic pregnancy, resulting in the girl being very seriously ill.

I never enquire as to future plans etc because it is never brought up. That is both too sensitive and a clear invasion of privacy.

As an aside though, I was always known as a clear communicator and team player when working so I don’t think that I was so very insensitive 🙂

Surely it is a case of horses for courses and knowing when to ask questions and when to studiously avoid them.

Asking about money/finances is IMO still a taboo. Dh and I get on very well with dds but I would never ask how much they or their spouse/partner earns.

I still remember being shocked when a fairly new neighbour asked how much we’d paid for our house a year or so previously. This was in the 70s - it just wasn’t ‘done’ - but I was too taken aback to prevaricate, so I told him.

It turned out that he’d paid rather more for his smaller house (prices had gone up) and I don’t think he’s ever forgiven us!
(Nowadays of course he could just check on nethouseprices..)

Before that we had lived for a while in Cyprus, where people often asked dh how much he earned, how much rent we paid, how much we’d paid for this or that - it wasn’t considered anything remotely taboo. At least, not by many.

Another taboo - to me - is asking younger childless couples when they’re going to have a baby, or try for one. So nosy and thoughtless, when there could easily be infertility or any other reason that’s purely their own business.

Another taboo - to me - is asking younger childless couples when they’re going to have a baby, or try for one. So nosy and thoughtless, when there could easily be infertility or any other reason that’s purely their own business.

I can't believe anyone could still believe it's OK to ask this question - although I believe that in the family environment it sometimes is.

Back in the days of my youth, I do remember such a question being asked. I did a lot of 'temping' for years and therefore met a lot of people, and this question was asked of me on more than one occasion.

Times have changed, thank goodness. In that respect, I once lost a long-term 'temp' booking with a bank because I was "heavily" pregnant, and the manager didn't think it was acceptable (he actually said that to my agency manager). I was 'back-office' anyway, so no customers would've seen my appalling condition!

Strangely, another bank took me on, along with another "heavily" pregnant lady - and even arranged for a special table for us to work on that was high enough to accommodate what the tabloids cringingly refer to now as a baby-bump.

I have a friend who takes meanness to Olympic level. A good comedy writer could make a very funny sketch on her.
When she interrogates me ( and she does interrogate) the devil Meryl comes out and I exaggerate quite a lot 😂