FOMO

It is horrible to be socially excluded. Especially if we put value on being popular. Or are in an environment where we can't easily get away from the other people involved.

It is difficult to know why we are not invited to events or do not become part of in groups. It may be happenstance, or for something about us that we can't change or because of the aspirations, fears, vanity etc of the people who are in the "in" group, which are human weaknesses we all share to some degree.

It is best to accept if people do not want to be close friends, to try to be a thoughtful, kind person to everybody ourselves and not judge ourselves harshly because of what others think about us. Or what we imagine they think.

Most of us can find activities we can enjoy on our own....join in communal events and activities that are open to all...find one or two friends who are right for us and our circumstances, whom we will enjoy being with and who will want to be with us.

I think your feelings of hurt and distress are justifiable. Unfortunately they are very normal and most people will feel them at some point in our lives. These feelings are horrid. But I expect they will pass.

Hugs from me and many other people here, I would think.

Thank you Applegran

Are you friendly enough with one or two of the people who went on the trip to invite them for a coffee? You could just mention that you heard about a trip to XXX and did either of them go? Be thrilled for them and ask them about it without it sounding like you were missing out. (Or commiserate if they had a bad time.) Don't make them feel that they did something wrong because they didn't. Don't ask pointed questions about who organised it, and who decided who would be invited, or why you weren't invited. Then just mention that you would love to go there and if anyone fancied going back at any time you would really enjoy the trip. Maybe they will then think to ask you about any future trips.

You may find out that these weren't formally planned, organised trips but just came about between a group of people who had coffee together and decided on the spur of the moment to do something one of them wanted to do and there was no question of inviting others.

Thank you all for your thoughts 🥰

I read something that really helped me as I struggle with feeling this way sometimes. It basically said be casual, if asked go and have fun, but if not it doesnt matter. It has changed my attitude, I now live in the moment with friends and feel the pressure is off.

I have always felt .i never fitted in anywhere but I now dont really care! A lot of people seem to feel this way when reading threads.

If you belong to a club and its a club outing then yes you would expect to receive an invitation. The club organiser has to ask you if you want to go, as you are all members. However friendship groups are quite different. A person thinks they would like to do something and that they would like some company. So they do not include everyone in their friendship network. They just catch up with the one or two that are easy to get hold of either by phone or text. Or maybe they think that someone would enjoy the activity because she has an interest in it. They are not going to ask their whole friendship group. I might ask one friend if I am going to the cinema, two friends if I am gong to a garden center etc. If I am going to a painting class I may offer to give someone a lift home if they do not live far away but I never ask people if they would like a lift to an event I am not prepared to become a taxi service. So we are all different. I like the University of the Third Age u3a, because events are once a month, you choose which ones you attend, you never feel left out and its up to you to make friends etc.
If you do go to a counselor hopefully she will encourage you to take more social initiatives not wait to be asked.

There’s a lot of good advice here, especially BevSec’s.
It takes a lot to act casually and pleasantly enquire about trips and events where you’ve been excluded, but it does help you come to terms with your feelings.
These things often happen where groups are involved and often appears to be very immature behaviour. It can be even more hurtful when a valued friend joins in ‘the group’ and excludes you.
I have noticed that these intense groups often implode due to the characters of the members.
Take care of and value yourself. Time heals.

I don’t understand me so would never expect others to understand me I m very open and friendly and would chat to anyone about anything but as Bevsec said
I have always felt i never fitted in anywhere but I now dont really care!
I do most things on my own but chat away with whoever’s around (so not really on my own) however I don’t belong to any groups The last one I did belong to, has a group chat and only the other day someone put up a post more or less accusing others of ignoring her, pushing her out and not inviting her to arranged things , there were then reams of reply’s defending themselves (wasn’t me gov ) and trying to reassure her (oh you’re lovely no one could not to want to talk to you or invite you to xxx) and I realised how much better off I was not fitting in

I think it’s quite normal to sometimes have these feelings. It’s only a problem if it starts to take over or becomes an obsession. If you have other friends in different groups then arrange some things with them to do and give yourself some space. If it’s really becoming a problem then you could speak to the “friendliest” group member about how you’re feeling. Good luck and don’t beat yourself up 😊

Sometimes people think you are very busy,maybe you mentioned things you do with your family etc. or maybe think
you are not interested.Don’t fret,do something special you have always thought you’d like to do——— could you sign on for a class or exercise group and maybe meet a few new people,
maybe volunteer where you would meet lovely kind people.
Good luck,don’t feel sad.

I enjoy being invited - but declining. People are really surprised if I actually want to join in. Still, I do like to know what the others are doing.

If you want to be with them all then orchestrate something yourself, it's simply the only way you can keep control. Other than that just accept that you wont always be included in everything others do. Turn it round that they missed out by not having your company. It's them that lost out. I am sorry your feelings have been hurt though.

BevSec

I read something that really helped me as I struggle with feeling this way sometimes. It basically said be casual, if asked go and have fun, but if not it doesnt matter. It has changed my attitude, I now live in the moment with friends and feel the pressure is off.

I have always felt .i never fitted in anywhere but I now dont really care! A lot of people seem to feel this way when reading threads.

I’ve always felt a square peg in a round hole. Like others on here I now don’t really care. I have my family and a few good friends and that good enough for me. Try not to feel hurt OP, easier said than done I know, and organise something for yourself that you love to do. Take care.

Cid24 - I do feel that you are taking things to heart too much. Try to look on any interaction as a bonus, get on with your life and always appear interested and enthusiastic about what people have been up to - with or without you!

DeeJaysMum

@LovesBach

It's not FOBI (Fear Of Being Included), it's
JOMO (Joy Of Missing Out),
something I'm afflicted with myself 🤣

I'm totally with you on this! Especially as I get older. When I was younger I would force myself to attend events because I thought that's what I 'should' be doing. These days I just can't be bothered trying to 'fit in' or 'do the right thing'. I'd much prefer to just not be invited! 🙂

We're all different. Some people are more sociable than others, so prefer to be invited to things, whereas others are happier in their own company. If the OP would like a more active social life, there's nothing wrong with that just because others may not.

Cid24, I think that the point about 'clubs' rather than looser networks is a good one. If you join something (eg NWR, U3A, Lions or Rotary) you will automatically be included in things, and the chances are you will make friends there who will invite you to other things. As often as not, unless you are in a big city, it will be a similar group of people in all of them anyway .

As for acronyms - they are easily googled, so nobody need feel excluded by them.

So sorry you’re feeling miserable because of this. It really is like going back into the playground isn’t it? I’ve always tried to fit in but never really have. I decided a long time ago that life’s too short to worry about it. I love my own company and that of my DH and lovely family. Yes, I have one or two good friends, I go to places or events where I know I’ll be made to feel welcome, but groups of catty women just don’t do it for me.
If you really do want to be involved with this group, do the inviting instead of waiting to be asked. I hope you’ll take comfort in knowing you’re not a “one off”. It happens to others too! 💐

MarathonRunner

It doesn't matter how old you get , cliques and groups always form and their behaviour will always take one straight back to the school playground .
I can see why you're feeling sensitive about this , it stings to be excluded , why do people have to be so horrible .

I agree, part of life. do your best to ask, stay brave. but I'd seek one more new group/class or something?

Another square peg here. I have learnt to be more proactive and say that sounds great, I’d love to go next time if possible. If no invitation is forthcoming then I mention a visit I’m planning myself and would love company if anyone is interested. Cinema trips are popular. Good luck. X

LovesBach

I suffer from FOBI - fear of being included.

Me too! 😍

I get this, not nice, similar happened to me when my kids were small, just when I really needed to have some sort of social life. Things had been sort of ok until the wife of a high profile person (won't give details) moved to the area and sent their child to our local school and there was a huge flurry of excitement as everyone wanted to be in a social set that revolved around her. My friend and I found ourselves more and more sidelined as other aquaintences started to drop the things we used to do and hang on to the edges of this new in-crowd instead. Some quite unpleasent things happened, for example they all signed up to a particular keep fit class so nobody else could get in and then they all stopped going on the same day so the person who ran it had no clients. It's only amusing looking back, it wasn't at the time. Anyway, not to be deterred, my friend and i advertised on the local social media group, think it was called Streetlife back then, and set up a monthly 'girls night out' at the local pub for local women who wanted to meet new local people - and it was really fun! This is always an option if you feel you are missing out. However, unfortunately for us, after a few months, the in-crowd heard we were having fun and started turning up en-mass. They ignored those of us who had been organising and attending the evenings out, complained loudly about the pub and started using the 'girls night out' handle to post up other 'more classy' venues and activities - which meant people had to travel further, get lifts, taxis etc and go to expensive places where you had to dress up. The whole point of being a friendly and inclusive, casual and within walking distance, way of meeting other local women disappeared and it fell apart. I guess it was still worth doing, as we got to know some new people and broadened our horizons. I think it's hard to find you are on the periphery and possibly missing out. Hope you can find or create something that makes you feel more included.

It is has never occurred to me to notice whether I am missing out or joining in. I just do what seems appropriate at the tme.

Cid24

I know about these activities via various other people. I don’t want to divulge too much as I’m afraid I’ll be identified. I am very proactive and often invite people to my house and arrange lots of activities. There’s very much an “ in crowd” of people in this group that I like , but am on the periphery. They are the ones who have formed this group that do things. I accepted that this was something they had organised as part of their group and I was ok with that. I have since heard that three others who are not part of the “ in crowd” have been invited to something they are doing. And I’m hurt I’ve not been.
I guess this might be down to lack of self esteem in my part , and also maybe a bit pompous too. Uncomfortable feelings. Might go for counselling to sort this out. Am not proud of how I’m feeling , but it continues to eat away at me. Interesting to hear other people’s views on this, thank you .

I got confused about this thread from the start. For a variety of reasons.
And I have not been feeling well, so only now feel like attempting some sort of response.

Firstly, I run away from "in crowd" situations. Have done for years. I am not a natural "in crowd person" anyway. Plus I personally could not cope with all the angst involved with it all. Which doesnt at all mean no friends.

Second. I didnt properly know what the term was. And even now I do I am not sure it is the right expression?
Someone recently said to me she was going on holiday for fear of missing out. In her case she may have meant just that. But is it, and in your case too, rather more a fear of losing out? Or fear of being outside of things?

Which rather comes back to
In your case, and others, yes like the individuals, and like other people, but don't try to be included in the "in crowd"?

Apologies if this is coming out garbled. Or if the points have already been made and better worded, earlier in this thread.

How some responses have resonated with me; I too have never felt that I fitted in anywhere, but somehow it hasn't mattered that much. Some good friends and a lovely family, so many blessings, but Lord Byron's words describe social situations:
' I stood among them, but not of them, in a shroud of thoughts that were not their thoughts'. That's it - perfectly.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.