As we age do we lose interest in keeping in touch with friends and relatives?

TwinLolly

We like socialising, but as time goes by we are preferring not to. I find hosting exhausting these days. It is sad but I'm no.longer the social butterfly I used to be. I can cope with people coming for a cuppa tea but for a meal - it's draining. I get stressed with preparing a meal for guests even if it may be simple. I think it is my age.

I have a couple of friends who still enjoy cooking a meal when we go round. I’d far rather they just did just tea and cake or go out for a pub meal because like you I can’t be bothered with all that these day. They have said I shouldn’t feel like I have to take a turn cooking but I still find it embarrassing.

Definitely your focus changes ….just like your energy changes - the older we get. Health counts for so much and often takes up much of the time we used to spend with friends…..but we shouldn’t expect to live ‘Peter Pan’ lives forever …..it just isn’t natural. But it is important to check in with our long time friends every now and again. An email once or twice a year mens so much ……to be the receiver as well as the sender.

We are not as sociable as we used to be. We find it too much of an effort these days. If your friend is looking after grandchildren i really sympathize especially at the moment with it being school holidays. We look after our 6 year old grandson including the occasional sleepover and although he's no trouble we are exhausted when he goes home. I think its the constant keeping them entertained as well as getting up very early!! I just want to go to bed early and socializing is the last thing i want to do.

No really, always time for special friends and family x

Frogs we "owe" one couple a meal a day I'm dragging my heels currently. Maybe we should suggest we go out for a meal instead - it's a nice idea youhave about going for a pub meal - I've forgotten about that. It will take the pressure off cooking! But also being in a neutral environment might be less stressful.

"One day", not "a day"

Covid was a big game changer for a lot of people. While it is till with us I can say that my social group has come back to near normal activity. We’re all in our 70’s, some married couple, some singles.

I do have one friend though that has completely scaled back (and practically has dropped off the grid…) and prefers to only work and not go out - we just talk on the phone or see each other one-on-one like every three months or so.

As I’ve aged I find my alone time more precious, I don’t always want to spend the money, I’m very satisfied with texting, phoning to check in with each other - then, when we do get together, it’s really quality time!
USA Gundy

i am 60 and have not really had any friends since i was in my early 20s and was treated very badly by someone whom i thought was more of a sister. i lost my husband when i was 39 and then my long time partner at age 58, i have a couple of neighbours who are friends but don't see as much as we now have health problems and my mobility is now limited. i think as you get older some people are happy to spend more time on there own, i am lucky that i like my own company, maybe your friends just find it easier to not go out and socialise, you could drop a note saying thinking about you, let me know if you fancy a coffee or a chat on the phone, then leave it up to them.

I've very recently noticed this with my 'best friend'.
We've been very close for almost 20 years, and planned to move to the coast when we retired.
Last year, we found two properties practically next door to each other, her offer was accepted, mine wasn't, but I wasn't too worried because there's no rush for me to move just yet.
I've helped her with hospital appointments, been to her home when she was planning to go climbing a ladder to get stuff out of the loft, just to make sure she didn't injure herself. Every time I went over, I took a meal with me for us to have and there was always enough for 3 or 4 servings and I left the remainder with her for the next day.
She's never been to my home, and I've never asked for her help with anything, so now I'm feeling it's been a very one-sided friendship.
There have been so many delays with her house move that it was almost 14 months between putting in the offer and actually moving.
So understandably, she's been a bit anxious about her old house for a few months, especially with all the interest rate increases, so I'd been as supportive as I possibly could be whilst we waited for her moving date. I knew that as soon as she moved, all those issues would no longer be a problem as she was downsizing and would no longer need a mortgage.
She finally moved 6 weeks ago and simply sent a message saying "I've moved".
I sent her a lovely message saying how pleased I was for her and that hopefully she'd be a lot happier without all the problems of the old house.
I didn't get a reply.
I waited until she'd been there for a month and sent another message, saying I hoped she's settling in well and is happy. That was a fortnight ago and yet again, I've had no response.
I'll give her another couple of weeks and I'll message her again to see whether she actually wants to remain friends, but I'm not holding my breath for a positive response.
Maybe I should have worked out a long time ago that I was being used, but knowing this now, I'll be a lot more careful not to let myself be walked all over again.

TwinLolly

'I get stressed with preparing a meal for guests even if it may be simple.'

These days I only cook for good friends and family - and they're simple, casual meals. If a large group of people come, I don't cook, just get food in for them, so it's a help yourself buffet. I want to enjoy their company.

Last time I took a friend out for dinner (I 'owed' her a meal) she paid the bill early (having said she was going to the loo) - so then I felt I owed her a couple of meals!

Thank Heavens for the great delivery options around here. I can have a great veggie biriani, roast dinner or katsu curry waiting for her when she arrives.

DeeJaysMum, I wouldn't assume that you've been 'used'. It seems that you're more physically able than her and she's just been through an exhausting move. She may be very disappointed that you haven't made the move with her (I know that I would be). I think that you should stay in touch and arrange to visit.

Friendships don't have to be on an 'equal shares' basis. A neighbour sometimes helps out - yet needs nothing in return, they just enjoy helping and company. I treat a friend, as she has a miserable time caring for her mother - and she's very short of cash. I don't expect her to contribute so often.

I think it does depend on the personality of the individuals. Some people are very outgoing when younger, but do prefer a quieter life as they get older.
We no longer do large dinner parties, or parties in general, but we enjoy hosting friends at our second home. It’s more leisurely.
We’ve just come back from a weekend away at our oldest friends home and are hosting our next oldest friends at our home at the end of the week.
Having said that, a close by couple who we’ve known for 30 years seem to be distancing themselves. As another poster said, life and circumstances change, it is how we react and adapt is important in order to maintain our feelings of self worth.

We used to have a cohort of friends we saw on a regular basis when we were both working - got together regularly to cook for each other. Then one or two died and the heart went out of it all. We did still get together but it wasn’t the same. The dynamic had changed. Gradually, when we retired and moved house, we didn’t see as many people and DH, who had always been a sociable man, liked it like that. Now he’s gone and I really don’t want to make the effort without him. I have a friend who I’ve known for forty years and I’d like to see her more often, but our circumstances these days don’t often allow the opportunity. People I used to see are dying around me in droves and it’s scary!

My mother used to say my house was like Piccadilly Circus, so much coming and going, the centre of family and friends’ activities. Now I’m widowed and with some health issues, the thought of the dinner parties etc just seems like too much hard work. Apart from that, my dining table is now covered in music and artwork…
I’m not so sociable these days, my favourite part of the day is in the evening alone with books and TV. I do love going out though and I have turned into my mother, who loved being amongst people but not with them.

Twinlolly, much the same for me. I think its an energy thing for some of us as we get older. I used to be able to drop tools and spontaneously go and walk half a mile to joyfully meet a friend in town for coffee. She was my best friend, we both single her in 60s me in 70s. Then I met someone 6 mile drive away. Still saw each other and shared news and fun. My partner developed health problems also my close family heath problems. Saw each other less. She naturally developed other friendships which have sort of taken over. I miss her and the fun and laughs, I told her but I think we understand. Still keeping in touch when we can. I need a day or so to recover now from an outing. Fortunately I like my own company to a certain extent, but I do miss the fun times. Its just an energy thing with me and I guess others who have said the same.

I have given up trying to keep friendships going. It gets a bit tedious always being the one to instigate meeting up, going out, even phone calls. People seem too selfish nowadays to bother about their friends and sometimes, even family. I have just a couple of cousins and 3 friends now, who keep in contact.
I was getting really fed up and depressed but now I'm much happier having ditched the Dodos.

In my experience this is probably more due to the couples' health problems than to the fact that we are all growing older.

Most of us with ill-health find it difficult having visitors, either because we do not have the energy ourselves, or because we are afraid of becoming boring as after all no-one wants to hear about others' ill health.

Nor do we who either are ill ourselves, or the spouse of someone who is ill want to hear, "Oh it will be all right" or "It could be worse you know" or any of the other trite and inappropriate remarks healthy people tend to make when visiting those who unfortunately are no longer healthy.

Probably you have never made any of these tactless remarks, but others will have done so, which may well be the reason your friends are withdrawing from you and other friends.

A completely different reason is that some friendships do run their course and are not any longer something one or the other part wishes to keep up. Hurtful for the person who is "dropped", but nothing you really can do about it.

I used to have quite a few friends come here for social gatherings it was very nice at the time. I would do a big spread lovely food and cocktails etc. I still see friends my good friends but we tend to go out to eat with them it’s not too often. They have their older GC stay a lot at the weekends so that’s changed things our other friends travel every week to care for their GC too.
We go to the club for lunches it’s a sports club so it’s seasonal. Sometimes we go elsewhere for a meal or concert usually with a single friend that’s enjoyable. We walk a mile if my joints are up to it to a local pub for a drink weather permitting. My dh was never a social animal but makes it his business to arrange outings.
I admit even going on holiday in this country is an effort for me now but I make the best of it. Mobility has made me less sociable to be honest as arthritis in several joints can dictate what you do.

Once upon a time we had three couples who we would go and visit and they would come back to us, time unfortunately has seen two die and two others with health issues, inevitably everything has ground to a halt. We do see local friends on and off but since lockdown we have got used to doing a lot more together than when we pursued separate hobbies and interests.
Apart from a DB we are the only ones left in the family of our generation.
Everything takes so much longer now we are older and I guess your friends may be finding the same Gran3 particularly if time is taken out of the week with GC.

I find the older I get, the more I am content to have peace and be away from the hubbub of busy places. I enjoy meeting up with some friends but equally happy at home in my garden watching the birds or painting! It’s a good thing to be content and not stress about change or wanting something to always remain the same.

ParlorGames

We used to be very close to a couple. We would all go out for dinner every month or so or just meet up for a coffee. Then one of them was taken quite poorly but we still kept in touch and often visited them in the lengthy stay that they were in hospital as the hospital was. nearer to us than their own home. I used to take the laundry home to save his wife the trouble as she was still working at the time, I baked little treats for him and we always made sure he wanted for nothing.

Fast forward a couple of years, he had made a great recovery and we would visit them at home, often taking them both out for lunch.

Then two years ago I was taken very poorly; we had to cancel a lunchtime meeting with them due to me being in hospital - they made no attempt to visit, never sent a single message and have never phoned to see how we both are.

Am I in a hurry to see them again? Not likely!!!

Very unfair of them

I have had a friend completely withdraw from me. we were best friends since our mid teens, shared flats, were godparents to each others children, met up as families at least once a month, and regularly on our own.
We live about 40 mins apart. And I always went to her because she hates driving, but gradually every time I suggested meeting up she had an excuse, then changed her phone number, and then they moved house without telling us.
I think her intentions were pretty clear, but I have absolutely no idea why.