Hen/Stag dos

TerriBull

This subject often comes up on MN, where inevitably the demographic is younger and they are more likely to attend such events. Nearly as good as parking wars, are some of the threads. There is often a consensus amongst those who post, that they are too extravagant, too costly, too onerous as far as the disruption they cause to working life/family life, especially where young children are involved and the juggling of child care etc. There was one particular thread that was breathtaking, where the summons was issued by the mother of the bride to the bride's friends, it went something along these lines "X is having her hen do something like 18 months hence, so you've no ifs, no buts, start saving now, the cost was going to be", if I remember rightly, something in the region of well over £1,000, maybe £1,500 for a week in Europe. So the "AIBU" was written by the not too happy invitee, who was weighing up the cost, how the week away would impact on her annual leave, slotting it into family life and whether that would mean they, the family could still all go away, all in all it sounded a logistics nightmare. It was pretty clear from the start that she wasn't on board with the idea. However things came to a head with the imperious mother,bridezilla & Co, when she couldn't be part of a Zoom meeting, she had the temerity of having to work due to a change a shift, (a nurse I believe) and got a severe reprimand for not being in on planning some of this crap involved the arrangements which kind of gave her the impetus to tell them she was out. She was dis-invited from the wedding, as was her husband/partner and he also had his invite from the corresponding stag party cancelled, lucky escape there, how much would the two events and the wedding cost them both, quite a sum I would imagine. So that scenario I gather is quite common and as some have said when they get invited to several of these events a year the whole cost is way too much. I remember having such a conversation with the daughter of my friend when we were all out too lunch, and she was saying pretty much the same thing, had been invited to a "hen" which was a week away, didn't really want to go, hardly knew any of the other women, and that's another factor some say, "I only really know the bride, none of the others, or I don't really get on with others that will be going". All in all, I feel lucky that this wasn't a thing at the time I and friends got married, maybe we'd have all gone out for a meal pre wedding, what's wrong with that? I'm sure some still do something more modest.

Personally I hate it when either stags or hens go abroad, it's bad enough at home, and behave really badly.

Anyway, to conclude, many of these happenings sound way over the top to me and a massive expense on top of the main event which as we know can cost a King's ransom anyway

If I was commanded by Mrs Bridezilla to start saving in the region of a thousand pounds plus in order to attend her daughter's hen week, I'd be 'unfriending' both daughter and mother in short order.

Hen weekends (or a week!), lavish weddings, baby-showers, gender reveal parties - you only need a couple of friends into all this to find yourself well out of pocket - money that could be spent on your own family's needs, disregarding the fact that time out if you are working eats into your annual leave allotment.

I have a rather quaint and outdated attitude towards marriage and intimate relationships - they are mostly IMO private affairs. Making a commitment towards your partner in front of family and close friends, on the day... that's it as far as I am concerned. The rest is razzmatazz. Expensive razzmatazz.

Joseann

DD2 organises an activities package for hens and I think she enjoys it as much as the girls do. It's all about bonding (and getting to know the main friends before the day), and not a drop of alcohol is involved.
Going abroad to drink and party wouldn't be my choice.

Exactly this Joseann. I think most people on this thread are commenting on the (maybe 5%?) of hen dos that are OTT, not the 90% that involve a fun weekend away in a nice place in the UK with friends and family. It’s not a competition to see who can have the most lavish hen do, in my world anyway.

I married in 1973. I never had a hen night. Never had an engagement party either come to think of it.
A friend, who married in 1970, invited me out for a Chinese meal along with another mutual friend a week before her wedding. I think that was the closest I ever got to attending a hen do.
I don't think such events were much in evidence in my part of darkest Worcestershire back in those days.

I didn’t have a hen party before both my marriages it just wasn’t of interest to me at the time. My DS and DD didn’t either they don’t drink alcohol so it wasn’t a priority to them.

My DD only ever goes to a pub occasionally for lunch with me when we visit. My DS never goes on a celebration night out when invited he does not like the atmosphere of crowds drinking etc.

Each to their own I know people who have gone abroad for stag and hen parties. Then they have had extremely expensive weddings that have barely lasted a few years. I am cynical and beginning to think the parties are just a show for other people.

My comments pertain to testaments I have heard from members' of the younger generation occasionally first hand and generally from those aired on MN.

I think problems arise when possibly the person or persons doing the inviting, don't understand, or don't want to understand the constraints of other people's budgets and really no one has the right to expect anyone to stump up for an event that may well put a strain on someone else's financial situation which could be precarious anyway, and that seems to be part of the problem "the expectation" that others will rearrange their day to day life to slot in an event that possibly isn't in any way important to them, depending on the relationship with the host/es, or certainly that is how it is presented when such grievances are aired. My feeling is that invitations should be issued with some sort of caveat, maybe couched in such a way "of course I'd like you to come, but understand if that is not possible, then be assured it wont affect our friendship" From what I've read, some recipients who turn down invitations where the costs are beyond their means end up "cancelled" which would make me question whether the friendship was worth a light.

Most of us posting on this site, remember a time when such occasions didn't exist, so possibly we come with our preconceived ideas of money being wasted on a glorified extended party, when in fact it would be better used for something tangible such as bricks and mortar. That would be me I have to say. Ultimately I'm of the opinion that all the expense of not only these events that pre- empt a costly wedding, but the main event itself, have nothing to do with making a commitment to a future life with one's intended. That is just my personal point of view though.

I didn't have a 'hen do', OH went for a pint in the local pub with his best man the night before our wedding, that was it.

DD had an evening out - we went to the pantomime and a meal, DiL had a spa day with her Mum and DS.

Very few of our friends or theirs have had expensive pre-wedding celebrations.

Sometimes I meet 'hen parties' on the trains as I travel around. 'Fraid the thought of dressing in pink and squealing a lot really doesn't appeal at all.
On the other hand, we keep being told that 'hospitality' needs all the help it can get, so I guess there are always two sides to the story.

OH went for a pint in the local pub with his best man the night before our wedding, that was it

My DH went for a pint at the pub with his 'best' man, well it was probably more than one as he was a bit shaky on our wedding day!

And then followed a long and happy marriage Iam.
I didn’t have a hen night, I thought it a waste of money because I didn’t have much money when we got married and everything we had went into our tiny, two up, two down, terraced cottage. Mr M didn’t have a stag night either for the same reason.
Our daughter had a hen party arranged by her bridesmaids. We had a cottage in the Cotswolds for two nights and we all took bags of food/drinks with us. We went out for a meal and then to a club one night, where I looked after the handbags!
My son went out with his friends one night if I remember rightly, and I went with my soon to be daughter in law to her mother’s home in Devon, and we all went out out for a meal and her mum paid. That is, all her sisters (three of them) and her own daughter, and some of the older nieces, myself, and my daughter, and of course, her mum. My daughter in law’s mother kindly accommodated myself and my daughter overnight at her home.
I think my other son also went out to the pub with some friends before his wedding.
Everything, even my daughter’s, was pretty low key.
I agree many people want to do this nowadays, but many are too big, too flamboyant, and too costly. Going abroad is totally over the top in my opinion.

My hen do was 6 of us at the pub drinking either BabyCham, CherryB or shandy and doing lots of laughing.

I went to one DD’s hen night in Canal Street in Manchester. First and last time I’ve worn a tiara and fairy wings. My one consolation was that no one where I live and work saw me.
DGD is currently sighing that she can’t afford one because they’re saving up.

TerriBull

My comments pertain to testaments I have heard from members' of the younger generation occasionally first hand and generally from those aired on MN.

I think problems arise when possibly the person or persons doing the inviting, don't understand, or don't want to understand the constraints of other people's budgets and really no one has the right to expect anyone to stump up for an event that may well put a strain on someone else's financial situation which could be precarious anyway, and that seems to be part of the problem "the expectation" that others will rearrange their day to day life to slot in an event that possibly isn't in any way important to them, depending on the relationship with the host/es, or certainly that is how it is presented when such grievances are aired. My feeling is that invitations should be issued with some sort of caveat, maybe couched in such a way "of course I'd like you to come, but understand if that is not possible, then be assured it wont affect our friendship" From what I've read, some recipients who turn down invitations where the costs are beyond their means end up "cancelled" which would make me question whether the friendship was worth a light.

Most of us posting on this site, remember a time when such occasions didn't exist, so possibly we come with our preconceived ideas of money being wasted on a glorified extended party, when in fact it would be better used for something tangible such as bricks and mortar. That would be me I have to say. Ultimately I'm of the opinion that all the expense of not only these events that pre- empt a costly wedding, but the main event itself, have nothing to do with making a commitment to a future life with one's intended. That is just my personal point of view though.

That is just my personal point of view though.

And a very sensible one.

As you say, the expectation that someone can stump up both money and time to fit in an event that is, in some cases, just glorified 'partying' is both unreasonable and self-centred on the part of the bride-to-be or her henchmen organisers.

Of course it's lovely to 'bond' with your friends before you settle down to a new life, but it has to be done with grace and the recognition that others are tied up both financially and commitment-wise with their own lives and families.

Also, societal mores have changed so much now that marriage is not what it used to be. Couples set up home and have children often long before they decide to get married, which puts a completely different perspective on the whole institution. Not to mention the fact that separation and divorce are far more common.

No-one should feel guilty, or be made to feel guilty about not attending these events. As has been said frequently, it's an invite, not a summons.

Callistemon21

^OH went for a pint in the local pub with his best man the night before our wedding, that was it^

My DH went for a pint at the pub with his 'best' man, well it was probably more than one as he was a bit shaky on our wedding day!

Yes, the stag do used to be on the “last night of freedom”, didn’t it? I think this had just changed when we got married and DH had his night out the week before, Thank goodness.

On the one photo taken after my mam and dad’s wedding, my dad and his best man are very obviously leaning against each other on the town hall steps.

Wedding in 1970. DH went out with friends the week before for many drinks!
Don’t think hen do was invented. My friend’s lovely mum organised a lovely tea party for me. So kind and such fun.

I married when we were all very short of money - so no hen/stag things. My daughter (for whom money was not a problem) arranged a fascinator tutorial and making session followed by a meal - all ages enjoyed it and no silly excess of money or drink. Plenty of opportunity for chat and exchange of news etc.

when we got married we had a simple wedding with close family,in the New Forest and then flew to Greece for our honeymoon. Our money went into buying and furnishing a house.. such a good choice because by the time I was 38 we owned it outright.. my son however was expected to pay for himself to go abroad for a week in order to be best man at a wedding.. left him massively out of pocket

Wow, I am so glad that when we married in 1961, that I had not heard of 'hen and stag' does!
Actually I was in hospital, having my tonsils out, shortly before the wedding, so bless him, DH organised, found and paid for my wedding bouquet.
Sometimes I do think that the more that is spent on these very extravagant weddings, the shorter they last.
It must put a strain on all pockets involved, so well done to those who say no.

There was one particular thread that was breathtaking, where the summons was issued by the mother of the bride to the bride's friends, it went something along these lines "X is having her hen do something like 18 months hence, so you've no ifs, no buts, start saving now, the cost was going to be", if I remember rightly, something in the region of well over £1,000, maybe £1,500 for a week in Europe

Yes I remember that thread. Endless laughs.

Some of the threads about so called "destination" hens/weddings are amazing. In some of the parties the bride goes free and all the hens subsidise her.

When I was married in the late 1960s (divorced 3 years later) the only hens were a restaurant meal or for the more extreme, a real Liverpool pub crawl ending up at one of the less reputable clubs.

I never had or went on one. I would rather cut my throat with a rusty saw. Ive only ever been to 3 weddings in my life (and one was mine).

But hey, whatever floats your boat.

I've no sympathy for those who waste money on hen does and then moan about the cost of houses and mortgages.

I went out to dinner in Covent Garden with close friends. Frankly, the fashion for OTT hen and stag dos is just a few, very high profile events, we don't see the quiet night out with a few friends ones. As long as nobody is expected to get into debt to join in, or host one, then it really doesn't concern me. Life is too short to worry about people having a good time!

I think that young people today want experiences rather than materialism, and I don’t blame them. They will spend enough of their lives worrying about money and children, so enjoy themselves while they can.

https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/202309/medium-220494-adobestock-203046453.jpg https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/202309/medium-931705-4518.jpg

Why are women's bridal parties called hen parties and men's called stag parties?

Stags - magnificent, haughty, in charge

Hens, clucking busily around the farmyard then being hustled along by the cockerel!

Time the name was changed 😁

Tizliz

I think that young people today want experiences rather than materialism, and I don’t blame them. They will spend enough of their lives worrying about money and children, so enjoy themselves while they can.

But those 'experiences' involved with stag and hen events can cost quite a lot of money - especially if they've been organised by companies specialising in 'events'!

The invitees might already be worrying about money and children - depending on the age group.

Of course, the more savvy will organise their own activities... and the more sober won't go OTT - so it could be a relatively inexpensive fun time.

Mollygo - wandering through Canal Street in fairy wings and a tiara, what larks. I don’t expect you were the only one wearing a bit of flash.
Your post made me smile 😃

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2016/nov/14/what-men-really-think-about-stag-parties

An interesting article where men have expressed their true feelings about the 'lad' culture that pervades some of these stag events.

It seems they go along with the excessive and sometimes lewd behaviour, the strip clubs and the ritual humiliation of the groom because they don't want to be the party-pooper. But the men interviewed quite clearly did not enjoy it.

Some stag dos are enjoyed though.
I know this from talking about them with my sons.

They aren't always drunken strip clubs and bad behaviour you know!

Our daughters did not have hen parties prior to their weddings. Nor did my brother have stag events for any of his marriages.

However, recently one daughter, a widow (60), did have a fantastic hen do in Italy with our daughters. They all loved it. My brother also had a stag night prior to his recent wedding (his late 60s), enjoyed by all.

Wonderfully fun events, popular currently.