Hen/Stag dos

NotSpaghetti

Some stag dos are enjoyed though.
I know this from talking about them with my sons.

They aren't always drunken strip clubs and bad behaviour you know!

... I do know - that's why I mentioned "some" of these events.

It's quite obvious they don't all follow the same format.

Some years ago we took our DD, DS and their families on a short cruise to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary. On board were a rude, sometimes obscene, gaggle of girls, dressed as sailors and having a Hen party. On of the most unladylike women wore a band stating ‘ Mother of the bride’. They spoilt most things. Breakfast, dinner, the pool, the cinema. There were numerous complaints and our cruis was not as nice as we had hoped. Disembarking they were still screeching and screaming.

I thought hen and stag dos were an ancient tradition but most websites date their origins to the 1970s.

If anyone has been to an Indian or a Turkish wedding they will have seen that these start several days before the actual nuptials with lots of lavish ceremonies where the bride and groom are celebrated in single sex parties and traditional rituals and given beautiful clothes and there is fantastic food and dancing.

Western girls probably just wanted a slice of that.

On googling the subject, I came across the theory that the "hen" name came from the traditional painting of the hands and body with henna, which many Eastern traditions practice. I was at an Indian wedding where a specialist artist came and painted the bride and many of the female guests the day before. The men had had separate celebrations. The groom was a Sikh and he had had a special turban binder come and bind his turban. The whole wedding party did look fabulous on the day.

Pre-wedding celebrations sending off the bride and groom into their new lives were certainly always a thing, for example with the ancient Greeks. They just seem to have to have gone out of fashion in Western society, possibly due to the puritan movements of the 16th century.

In Germany the tradition is a "Polterabend" where the couple celebrate together with all their friends and the guests smash crockery outside the house and the couple have to sweep up the shards. This is reminiscent of the crockery and glass smashing traditions at Greek and Jewish weddings. However my eldest son and daughter-in-law had separate hen and stag dos organised by their friends. The boys did go to Hooters, but it wasn't really their thing (I was led to understand). The girls had a Chinese meal and went to a karaoke bar, but all of this was in their home town.

The brothers Grimm describe a "Polterabend" in their dictionary (19th century). Then, as now,, this involved merry-making, games and pranks (usually at the couple's expense)

I tried to have a get-together the evening before my wedding but I hadn't told many of my friends about it and anyway they had mostly moved away by then, so it was basically an awkward afternoon with cups of tea at the house of my one friend who was still there and who was going to be a bridesmaid.

The current form of the hen and stag do may date to the 1970s, but the stag do dates well before then. I have seen references to it happening decades before then.

The difference was that it wasn't the raucous do it is seen as now. The groom would just go out to dinner or for a drink with his best man and a handful of close male friends the night befor the wedding, celebrating his last night of 'freedom'. As women were meant to see marriege as their highest achievement in life they were considered to be merely changing hands from the control of their father's to the control of their husband's.

To my mind the generation getting married today are generally speaking wasting a lot of money on the kind of wedding you see in Hollywood's most romantic films.

All right if the couple, or the bride's parents are super-rich, but honestly blowing the amount of money that could well form the down-payment on a house on wedding dress, reception, honeymoon, and hen and stags dos is ridiculous,

Especially as most of today's marriages are unlikely to last a lifetime.

Grumpy old woman's view of the younger generation.

grandtanteJE65

To my mind the generation getting married today are generally speaking wasting a lot of money on the kind of wedding you see in Hollywood's most romantic films.

All right if the couple, or the bride's parents are super-rich, but honestly blowing the amount of money that could well form the down-payment on a house on wedding dress, reception, honeymoon, and hen and stags dos is ridiculous,

Especially as most of today's marriages are unlikely to last a lifetime.

Grumpy old woman's view of the younger generation.

Different values.

Times change, many don't wish to save and prefer experiences.

My ex had a stag do and I understand got very drunk, but other than that no great ill effects or consequences. Back then few people had hen nights and I certainly didn't.

I've only been to one. My DiL had one and it was lovely, low cost and tasteful. It was held in a church hall next to the home of the chief bridesmaid who's father was the local vicar. DiL's mum and myself were accommodated in comfort in the vicarage while all the youngsters slept on camping airbeds etc in the upstirs of the church hall. We had a treasure hunt in the grounds, played some silly games and sewed bunting for the wedding. In the evening we went for a meal in a local restaurant. It was a fun occasion and an opportunity to meet some of her friends and get to know her mum better.

I don't see the need for such an occasion to be extravagant or costly - it can be done very cheaply with the right planning. I'm very thankful that my DS chose a bride with sensible values whose family and friends also share those values.

Can't understand the need by some for all the expensive hen dos and the lavishly costly weddings especially when couples have been living together for years.

My hairdresser tells me about the Hen & Stag do's her and her partner get invited to plus the wedding. They are not having much of a holiday this year with their little girl, due 2 weddings and all the extras involved. I think it has put them off getting married. My Hen do was a night out with friends at Cinderella Rockerfella's night club in Leeds, back in 1972 when Pete Stringellow was the DJ.

57 years ago went out for a drink with a few friends for my hen party, which was shared with a friend who was getting married 2 weeks before me. There is no way we could have afforded an elaborate "do".

Callistemon21

Why are women's bridal parties called hen parties and men's called stag parties?

Stags - magnificent, haughty, in charge

Hens, clucking busily around the farmyard then being hustled along by the cockerel!

Time the name was changed 😁

Possibly because they don't want to call them cock parties (where they will talk a lot of bull) ?

A couple of friends from work took me out for a quick drink before I got married in 1975, and my husband went out for a drink with his best friend. That was it!
My DIL had a hen do on a boat on the Thames (around 2009), along with about 20 other wedding groups. It was horrendous, dreadful wine, cheap beer, drunken stags and hens everywhere.
My neice has been abroad on many hen dos, she must have spend thousands of pounds - I just don't see the point.

One of my son's friends had his Stag do in Amsterdam. He isn't a drinker and was quickly completely out of it. His best man had arranged some time in a strip club (which the friend didn't really want) and his boss arranged for a "private" dance. He virtually had to be carried in to a back room and the woman undid his trousers with the intention of performing a sexual act. He came to his senses sufficiently enough to push her away and stagger out back to his mates to tell them what had happened. The next morning he had no memory of it at all but was being teased. My son, who was not privy to any of this as he was in the toilet at the time, told him what had happened and suggested that he would be better off not telling his future wife what had happened by the chap felt so guilty, he couldn't keep quiet. He'd been with her for many years and they had 2 lovely children but she really struggled with this and they nearly didn't get married. They tried to put it behind them, had marriage counselling and he stopped working for the boss because he was so upset that he would do such a thing, but after a year, she told him she wanted a divorce. He was absolutely devastated and disgusted with himself. He was suicidal and my son spent many an hour with him to help him get through it. I am pleased to say that eventually after a year apart, the couple did get back together and he has decided that he will never put himself in that position again.
My husband and I both wondered if a Stag weekend was worth it and I know my DIL was sobbing on my shoulder after 24 hours wanting to go home when she had her Hen weekend.
I think they are something that everybody seems to want but the reality is somewhat different to the dream.

Sounds as if his drink was spiked, icanhandthemback.
Unfortunately, some people find this kind of thing funny as long as it's happening to someone else.

It's possible to have fun with trying to humiliate someone.

icanhandthemback, I'm sorry to hear the situation that your son's friend was put in and the ramifications that followed. Those who set up such sordid events for unwilling participants and that's the thing, many men and women who are put in embarrassing situations at the behest of really nasty people who regard it as a bit of a laugh, don't want it. Shame on them or indeed that mindset of you must have a "last fling before tying the knot" it makes a mockery of making the commitment.

Callistemon21

Sounds as if his drink was spiked, icanhandthemback.
Unfortunately, some people find this kind of thing funny as long as it's happening to someone else.

It's possible to have fun with trying to humiliate someone.

I never thought of that and neither did he. I think he just assumed that as he hadn't been out for years for a drinking session, he had just become rather a lightweight. He's a lovely lad who was a very young parent but a good one and I was really sorry to hear that someone's idea of entertainment (even without the misogynistic tone) could cause so much damage.

I am definitely in the group thinking it is all a lot of money, and very OTT. I also think that the amount spent on the wedding dress seems to have grown to ridiculous levels. Somehow the actual wedding no longer seems to be the centre and focus . Possibly as many people have already lived together it is different but when I married and when my son married , the wedding day was the important thing and whilst we had small local get togethers with friends, before the day , the important thing was the wedding day itself and we were conscious of what we spent as we were saving for our own place and certainly didnt want to get into debt in a big way.

I often think that weddings too often get in the way of the marriage, and weddings should be saved for the 10th wedding anniversary as a celebration of the commitment of the couple to each other.

I decided when i was about 8 that big white weddings were not for me, and when I did marry, followed through with a quiet wedding with only my nearest and dearest present. I was determined not to influence my daughter (not that weddings were ever discussed at home), but I was delighted when at much the same age, she, too, rejected big white weddings. In her case she later chose not to marry, co-habit, or have children.

Ican, some friends they were! I find a lot of the hen nights/holidays in particular raucous and cringing, so I'm out of step. However, if they mix with a crowd and it their values, thats up to them , just hope I'm not in the vicinity, they need to be far away.

I've heard a few complaints from twenty and thirty somethings about not being able to afford to go on an extremely expensive hen night .

Leeds, if I was that hairdresser and sure the man she was marrying was the one. I would do it my way, true friends would understand the rest do not matter. In fact, if it got out of hand I would just have it with her little girl, parents and best friend. It's a lot about keeping up or outdoing each other now, like children's parties where the host gave £20 gift vouchers to guests.

Some interesting posts and stories!

Each to his / her own. I'm not into this culture at all, but I'm sure some of these events can be fun and interesting for all the friends and family.

However, I would never allow myself to be railroaded into spending money I couldn't afford or giving time I didn't have, to facilitate someone else's lifestyle choices. If I had a 'spare' few hundred pounds, it would go into my grandchildren's bank accounts.

The only 'do' I was ever invited to was back in the late 60s. The culminating event was to be what was then referred to as a "blue" movie in someone's sitting-room where we were invited to gather after a crawl around a few east London pubs. I bailed.

I have heard of people not getting married because "We can't afford it", and of others who are still paying off the celebrations a year later, and wondering how to pay for the cot and the pram.

Exactly how much does it cost to go to a registry office with parents and a few good friends and promise to love each other for ever? That is all it takes to get married. All the rest is optional. If you can afford it, enjoy it. If you can't, then just enjoy being married to someone you love.

People with exotic, bloviated ideas on how to celebrate what they think is The Most Special Wedding of the Year are simply delusional and don’t have a reality check on how people cannot afford to fly off to a destination bachelorette (Hen) party.

And then there’s the wedding to contend with! Unless the bride is paying for all of it (actually some do!) it almost forces people to choose one or the other - go on a drunken partying spree or the wedding itself. Which is more important?
USA Gundy

My nephew and his wife to be both had 3 such "dos" One overseas, one a weekend away in the U.K and then a day at the races followed by a meal and night out. Absolutely ridiculous amount of money they didn't have and they split up very soon after the wedding. Seems to me the parties are far more important than the actual marriage.