Always being on call for my elderly neighbour.

From what you say about her family's behaviour when she was in hospital, she's potentially a victim of elder abuse and/or financial abuse

I agree. Age UK has good advice if worried about someone under the heading Protection from Abuse.

The phrase I use is ‘that doesn’t work for me’. Then I ignore all questions about why it doesn’t work.

We live happily in a retirement development of bungalows. It’s a supportive community, generally caring in a distant sort of way. The vast majority of folk live their own lives while being ready to help at times of genuine need. Some examples. We’re currently grounded with covid and have been inundated with offers of shopping. When Mr C was in hospital so many offers of lifts. We happily offer lifts should folk not be able to take themselves to important appointments or add to our on line grocery order for those who can’t get out. I also reach things from high shelves for one tiny lady - I’m definitely not tiny!

There are, however, a couple of folk who are the exception to friendly neighbourly rules. They behave in a very similar way to your neighbour. Intrusive and demanding. Having extricated ourselves from one we now simply smile and after saying the stock phrase offer to call their family for them. So far we’ve not been taken up on the suggestion and gradually we’re not being asked.

Hold firm grannyg. It’s not easy and takes nerve but can be done. No need to hide behind the sofa.

Why don't you copy out or print off what you have posted and the replies from everyone? Post it through her door. Add a foot note asking not to bother you any more.

I have one next door. I feel very guilty every time I have to say no as they are quite a few years older than me. I shopped for them and it was the wrong supermarket and I was left with their shopping.
Gradually everyone has stopped helping them.
Their trees make such a mess on our drive and we had to buy another council bin, they phoned and asked if they could have the first.
We have a gardener and until I warned her next door came round and had her doing more jobs for them than me.
I now just say no to everything.
DH had to phone his insurance from his last job to make sure it was illegal to help in the way they wanted and I think things finally sunk in.
It's really hard to say no when you want to say yes and be neighbourly. I was told practice makes perfect and it actually does get easier.
Like others say keep them at the door if they come around or have the phone in your hand or pretend to be upstairs and not hear the door.
We call ours Mussolini and DH will say disappear Mussolini is coming it makes it easier somehow.

You've been a wonderful neighbour, but are being taken advantage of now.
So a conversation is needed with her or her family. The art of saying no is vital if you are to get back to normal.
Because I'm a keen driver I've been taken advantage of for lifts but have toughened up now and won't do it any more unless there is some very good reason.
Good luck to you. Lots of good advice here from others above.

I told her this but she thinks the sun shines out of her family and says they will be there for her when needed. I am not going to get involved with that side of things, I have enough to bother about with her depending on me too much, if I stop always being there for her then perhaps she will ask her family. I once asked her why she does not ask her family to do things for her and her answer was, "why should I when I have you," I told her that I won't always be there when she wants me but she just said that I won't be busy every day.

She's got a nerve!

Is she a bit demented I mean that seriously. Usually even the pushiest of people eventually take the hint.
Catch her family when they visit and tell them from now on your answer will always be no,you are too old for the responsibility.

She has probably been like this all her life. She watches you go out ! This is getting serious, tell her in uncertain terms that you can no longer help her - you are 81 and this is not reasonable. I too am a yes person so I recognize how hard it will be to cut her off - but it must be done. She is behaving badly because she can - ensure she is no longer able to manipulate you. You must take care of yourself mentally and physically, situations like this can drain you mentally and physically! Put her in her place, never tell her where or what you intend to do , Keep her in the dark or she will latch on to whatever it is you have planned. Be brave !! I wish you strength and good luck.

Another who agrees with putting your case in writing. I’m far more assertive in print than face to face! A friend has been drawn into helping an elderly neighbour, but has now written to both his sons to say she’ll keep an eye on their Father, but will no longer be going over to visit, as he always has a list of things he wants doing. He now has carers 4x daily and 2 visits a day from a diabetic nurse (he’s diabetic not the nurse!).
Tell her that because on your own limitations ( not a direct lie, just a little fib) and the onset of winter you will no longer be able to help her.
I’d enclose a list of tradespeople and contact numbers she might consider using and add that they are those you, yourself, choose to use.

I’m going to be a bit of a devil’s advocate here OP, but you seem to counter most of the suggestions? I think you’ve got to be cruel to be kind (to yourself). Some of us are givers, some are takers.
It may be you have to be ruthless and block her number.

I think a good many of us have had a 'friendship' such as this. Some people are better at sussing out situations and are able to put up strong boundaries. Others are easily taken advantage of and are spotted as a soft touch.
Having been through something very similar years ago my 'user alert antenna' is now somewhat better! I doubt this neighbour will ever change, I for one would take all of the advice on this thread and withdraw from her starting asap. She could end up making your life wretched.

I think the thing to bear in mind is that unless you start to distance yourself, this situation is only going to get worse, with her demands on you increasing.
Just think what she might be like in a year or two. Her dependence on you will inevitably increase, until the point when she could completely dominate your life.
I don’t think that’s any exaggeration.

Everyone on here has got the measure of this woman, and although I can understand why you might be reluctant to cut her off completely, I do think that is what you must do, for the sake of your own well-being.

you have to change your mindset.
she will not become reasonable or considerate, whatever you say.
it's as if you are trying to get her permission to detach from her.
you won't get it and you don't need it.
you just have to start prioritising your own needs and wishes.
don't parley with her.
you can tell her you have been advised to step back.
which is true. we have advised you thus. all of us.
you don't have to tell her who advised you.
keep your own counsel.
repeat, no can do. and detach.
less said the better.

Like one of the posters upthread I too have been on assertiveness courses. However that didnt stop me once being roped in as a virtula PA for one needy neighbour (fortunately not an immediate one) when I did her a good turn. She knew I often worked at home and kept popping in for a coffee which lasted hours. In the meantime my work was still undone.

I began by telling her the uni had changed its policies and I was no longer able to work at home. Fortunately she was one of those people who never set foot out of the door once it went dark so she never came in the evening. I also took to ignoring her calls. Eventually she moved to the other side of the city. As I (conveniently) did not drive I was no longer able to "do" for her.

More recently a pushy neighbour tried to rope me in as an emergency phone contact for another neighbour (who has dementia) but I very firmly said no. She even left a note with her phone number on the gate in case I "changed my mind". I left it there to blow away. My nephew went around to her house intending to give her a good telling off but there was no reply. He had retrieved the note so he tore it into pieces and posted it back through her door. Ive not seen her since and I doubt she will be back.

Do you have a male friend or relative who can call around and tell her very forcefully that his aunt is no longer at her beck and call? Often when a third party appears and intervenes it has the desired effect of scaring off the person who is taking advantage.

Bella23

Is she a bit demented I mean that seriously. Usually even the pushiest of people eventually take the hint.
Catch her family when they visit and tell them from now on your answer will always be no,you are too old for the responsibility.

That was my first thought. I’ve known a couple of people that, when they had dementia, started phoning me a lot.

I once asked her why she does not ask her family to do things for her and her answer was, "why should I when I have you," I told her that I won't always be there when she wants me but she just said that I won't be busy every day.

I think you should let that sink in. She's decided that you are going to be looking after her - and has already mapped out how you are going to do it... on the days that you're 'not busy'.

It's not going to get any better. If she is so thick-skinned and unthinking that it doesn't even occur to her that you might not want to be at her beck and call, and that it's not up to her to decide whether or not you're busy, or that you might have a life of your own you wish to lead - then she's never going to let go of you and will simply make more and more demands.

She' going to be watching you like hawk as she gets older and more needy. I know you said you don't like confrontation (who does!) but, really - is this how you want to live your life for the next goodness knows how long - it could be years!

I am keeping out of it, I have told her that they should be there for her but all she says is that they will be there for her if she needed them but when she had her pacemaker re-fitted this year, it was me that went to the hospital with her not them.

If she became ill and no-one visited her then I would ring her family.

GrannyGrunter

I am keeping out of it, I have told her that they should be there for her but all she says is that they will be there for her if she needed them but when she had her pacemaker re-fitted this year, it was me that went to the hospital with her not them.

If she became ill and no-one visited her then I would ring her family.

Yes, of course - if she became ill, her family would not know about it if they don't visit. Unless they keep in touch by 'phone.

... as long as she doesn't inform them that she has a nice neighbour who will do things for her, so they needn't bother too much!

I feel a bit sorry for her, she obviously needs company and care, but she has no sense of propriety... that she's imposing on you - she seems immune to the needs of others and sounds very self centred.

It's so easy to get roped into these situations isn't it. This neighbour sounds pretty thick-skinned to me so I think I'd be very straightforward with her and tell her you no longer want to be at her beck and call and that sorting things out for her has become too stressful for you."
Say "I do not want to alter your skirts".
Say "I do not wish to take you shopping in future". Stick to your guns. You can do it! Good luck.

When she says she has you you need at yhatvpointvto say

" I do not have the energy any more to look after myself as well as deal with what you need. I cannot do it so you will eithervhavecto ask your family or get workmen in" then when she asks next time refer back "As I said ...."

I am a 'yes' person too! I agree with the above. These are my 2 specific pieces of advice:
I always say 'no' to alterations. I say that I am not a professional and am happy to take risks with my own things but not others'. Say to her that you prevaricated because of this and you are now being honest.
Say something similar about sorting out her finances / paperwork.
You can keep up the basic good neighbour things, and I too wondered about early dementia - it can often manifest like this.
I wish you luck, but please, when you are feeling badly, recognise this: carrying on with such responsibilities will end in tears for both of you.

Than you all, I agree, she is very thick skinned and she has told me that she does not want to involve her family as they are busy people. I told her that when my dad died when I was 25, my mum was only 55 but we looked after her until she died aged 85, taking her shopping, on holidays, visiting her during the week even though it took me three buses to get to her house and decorating for her etc. She says times have changed and that no longer happens but I told her that my son takes me on holidays once a year and out for meals and I spend Christmas and the New Year with each of them. I know I don't see much of our family during the year but one phone call and they would be here for me. If my neighbour makes a phone call it is always to me.

When her TV broke down the other day, I told her I couldn't come until after the weekend and she said she could not do without her TV for that long so I toldher to ring an electrician, she said it would cost her too much money and I would do it for free. So off I walked to her house at 5 pm in the evening, in the dark and fixed it. She had pressed something on her remote which gave her a blank screen. I then walked back home at 6 pm in the dark. This is why I no longer answer the phone without checking who the caller is, if it is her then I don't answer.

She is what is known on MN as a CF (cheeky f*cker).
In particular she has the most colossal cheek to say why should she ask her family when she’s got you?

I know it’ll be very hard to say No - and mean it, but it’s the only way it’s eventually going to sink in to her thick, mickey-taking head.

You’ve had very consistent advice from here GrannyGrunter and it really is up to you to put your foot down now, or continue to be used and abused. No one else can do that for you.

Would you feel able to write her a letter?