Always being on call for my elderly neighbour.

GrannyGrunter

Than you all, I agree, she is very thick skinned and she has told me that she does not want to involve her family as they are busy people. I told her that when my dad died when I was 25, my mum was only 55 but we looked after her until she died aged 85, taking her shopping, on holidays, visiting her during the week even though it took me three buses to get to her house and decorating for her etc. She says times have changed and that no longer happens but I told her that my son takes me on holidays once a year and out for meals and I spend Christmas and the New Year with each of them. I know I don't see much of our family during the year but one phone call and they would be here for me. If my neighbour makes a phone call it is always to me.

When her TV broke down the other day, I told her I couldn't come until after the weekend and she said she could not do without her TV for that long so I toldher to ring an electrician, she said it would cost her too much money and I would do it for free. So off I walked to her house at 5 pm in the evening, in the dark and fixed it. She had pressed something on her remote which gave her a blank screen. I then walked back home at 6 pm in the dark. This is why I no longer answer the phone without checking who the caller is, if it is her then I don't answer.

Your second second paragraph there really highlights the problem, GrannyGrunter.

Why on earth did you give in and go round after saying that you couldn't/ wouldn't do it until after the weekend? Her excuse of "It would cost too much money and I would do it for free" should have been irrelevant.

I really dont understand why you didnt simply repeat that it would have to be after the weekend? That isn't confrontational, it's just reiterating your positiom.

She is behaving like a wilful, manipulative child with a weak parent, who has learnt that she can always get her way if she keeps throwing tantrums, pestering or sulking.
As every parent knows, you have lay down the ground rules, then be strong enough to hold your ground unless you are happy to put up with such behaviour for many years to come.

At the moment, you are your own worst enemy, because you are enabling your neighbour's bad behaviour.

I do understand your hating confrontation, but sometimes it is unavoidable. Ask yourself, what is the worst that can happen if you take a stand against this woman, apart from the temporary anxiety that you might experience while doing it ? My guess is that she might stop speaking to you, but in your position I would be quite happy with that outcome.

Be brave, take a deep breath and stand up for yourself - it will be worth it!

GrannyGrunter

...I agree, she is very thick skinned and she has told me that she does not want to involve her family as they are busy people.

Just as I mentioned in an earlier post. She's probably at some point told them that she has a neighbour who is looking after her. That might also be one of the reasons why they don't visit her - apart from not wanting to bother, they believe she's got support elsewhere.

From what you have told us - it seems that she has assumed because you're alone and retired, you have time on your hands which she feels entitled to utilise for her needs. And she's quite open about saving money at your expense!

It's all very well not answering the 'phone when you see her number come up - but you're not solving the problem by doing that, just holding back the tide. You have to walk past her house whenever you want to go anywhere - eventually she's going to collar you, because you haven't made it clear that you don't intend to be at her beck-and-call.

Germanshepherdsmum suggested writing a letter. That would certainly be a good way to politely but emphatically make it clear to her that you are not going to be on hand to solve her problems - without confronting her. And, as others have said, you don't need to excuse yourself or give reasons, just tell her that you have neither the time nor the inclination! If you make excuses, you're giving her something to argue against - it has to be an out-and-out declaration of independence!

You know it will only get worse if you don't do it!

Grannygrunter, I agree with all GNs here who are advising you to pull back from the many sorts of kind support that you have offered for so long. My own advice is to DO NO MORE and to stop helping this person in any way. I think that Germanshepherdsmum's advice to write a letter is excellent and spot-on. Something written can be thought out very carefully, and worded very clearly: be sure to keep a copy for yourself so that nothing can be disputed!
One of my favourite phrases for such a letter is: "Can I make this absolutely clear, so that there is no misunderstanding....."
If you do this, then if your neighbour starts hassling you, you can tell her to refer to the letter. I hope that you're able to resolve this issue in a way that is helpful for you.

Dear Oldnproud and every other lovely person who have commented on my posts.

I think me being a yes person goes way back to when I was 25 years old when my dad died. My mum was 55 years of age and still working but if anything wanted doing, she always asked me and my husband. We had only been married 12 months when dad died so for the next 30 years we were at my mum's beck n call. My husband was fantastic, we always took her shopping, did all her gardening and decorating, took her on holidays with us. I don't think I have one photo of our young years without my mum being in it. I took her to Italy for a week on my own as my poor husband was always a third wheel and she spoiled the days out and holidays as my husband was always walking on in front alone so I thought I would let him do what he wanted while we were away. She moaned about everything, the food, the bed, the shower, she was so ungrateful. I know I sound cruel but the week after my mums funeral we had to clear out her council house and that was it, all done. My husband and I were laying in bed the Saturday morning and I said, It feels like a weight has been lifted from our shoulders. That is something you should never say about your dead mum but after 30 years of not having a proper married life, just me, my husband and our children, it was a relief to only have to think about ourselves.

Ten years after my mum died my wonderful husband got ill and for eight years I looked after him 24/7 until he died and I still think of those years we never got to spend quality time together because of my mum. I still cry for what should have been after 9 years without him, now I have in a way got another 'mother' to look after. Even though we are the same age, when we order something to eat the waitress always says, and it has happened a few times now, what would your mum like to drink. My friend shouts, I am not her mother I am her friend and the poor waitress does not know where to look. I just say thank you for the compliment. Even our sons say I only look in my 60's so perhaps that is why my friend treats me like she does as she thinks I am healthier than her.

GrannyGrunter....at the risk of sounding harsh and I really don't wish to do that, you are describing this person as your friend and she isn't.
In fact I'd actually call what she's doing a form of coercive control and that's abusive.

For your own sake...please think long and hard about this situation, if someone else had posted this, what would your advice be to them?

GrannyGrunter

In the light of your last post.

Do not let this selfish neighbour steal the remainder of your years, as your mother stole the years of your young married life.

You are quite obviously at age 80 in the winter of life BUT, you are fit, healthy and active.

This is YOUR time now

I’m so sorry you have been robbed of so much. Life can be very cruel. Your husband was a very special man to have done so much for your mum for so long.

You certainly don’t want to undertake a caring responsibility again, especially at 81 no matter how fit and young looking you are, and you know only too well what that entails and how quickly people’s needs can escalate. Unfortunately I think you’re on course for it, with your neighbour telling her family and, if and when they become involved, doctors and social workers that she can live under because she has this good friend to look after her every need. You will without doubt end up as a carer again with no life of your own.

Difficult though it is for you, you need to put a stop to this dependence on you before you begin to become her carer, as it seems that is her plan. I do urge you, for your own wellbeing, to sit down and write a polite but firm letter saying that, at 81, (perhaps she has forgotten your age) you cannot continue to take her out, run errands or do jobs for her because you are finding it too difficult to find any time for yourself and your family, and therefore you are writing to tell her that she must look to her family or get paid help for these things. You will probably write several drafts before you feel you’ve made your point clearly but politely. It will be difficult because you are a caring person who finds it difficult to say no, but please do it and take back control of your life.

Not ‘live under’, ‘live independently’!

You deserve a share of her attendance allowance, GrannyG. If she can't rationally manage her financial affairs she needs official help with them

This sounds far too stressful and totally one sided on her part.

Can you say," I'm glad I've been able to help you with things up till now but.... fill in as appropriate.... (I myself am not doing so well) ( me energy levels are low) etc and unfortunately I won't be able to help you any more".

She will have to find other ways to get help when you let go and if she chooses to not speak to you any more that will be a bit uncomfortable to begin with but better than what is happening just now.

Germanshepherdsmum

Not ‘live under’, ‘live independently’!

... - your meaning was clear just the same!

The letter is a very good idea. In fact, I think it's the only option.

When you are face to face with someone in a situation like this, trying to get a message across, what usually happens is that the other person will interrupt before you've said your piece, and then the conversation will likely go in another direction. The end result being that you usually come away not having said all that you wanted to say.

Please take the advice offered on here Grannygrunter. I think we're all feeling a little agitated on your behalf - because we can see how this might turn out (as GSM illustrated)!

Tell her "you have not got me unless you pay me for working for you."

GrannyGrunter I think we're all frustrated on your behalf!

I'd suggest a copy of the letter you write should be sent to your neighbour's family, so they know the situation.

Do you think that you have spent so much of your life being a carer that, even though you don't want to do it, you actually find it hard not to do it? You're programmed not to refuse?

I think you could do with a holiday, a few days away, relaxing, being pampered and waited on hand and foot. A nice spa hotel maybe 😊

She doesn't claim attendance allowance or carers allowance as she says she can manage very well on her own. I told her that she is not managing on her own because she is always asking me for help.

I told her she cannot manage her own shopping because she can't push the trolley or carry bags. I would love to tell her to buy a computer and pay for broadband so she can do online grocery shopping but I know for a fact that I will be the one going to her house and doing it all for her as it takes her all her time to manage her old non-smart phone, I am always having to clear off calls and update the phone for her.

This is a problem I have made for myself and I am going to have to stop it before she her health gets any worse. If only her house was not on the corner of the street and she can see anyone who walks past (curtain twitcher), I could get a bus and go where I want but when she sees me walking past she asks me where I am going and I say out so she says, hang on, I will come with you. I have started getting taxis (costs me a fortune) just so I can come and go as I please without having her tagging along. It has worked so far but it means I can only go out once a week as it costs £25 return to get to where I want to go. I can afford it but I don't see why I should have to pay to outwit her.

Yes, it is time for a heart to heart chat with her.

Thank you all for your comments. I really appreciate it.

I totally agree, if someone else had posted this on the forum I would have said the very same thing, cut ties with her now.

Good Luck GrannyGrunter.

Please be firm - your neighbour is extraordinarily thick-skinned so you really need to make yourself clear. It won't be easy, but it will be a cathartic when it's over!

... no, not "a" cathartic... just, cathartic. !

Well I still say recruit a male friend or relative - preferably one who can be quite terse - to go an see her. It can be quite intimidating to be confronted by a stranger who instructs you not to harass or contact his aunt/sister/cousin again without going through him. Ive done it several times and never heard from the person again because they were scared off with hints of "the authorities" or "further action".

Once you have gone a way along a road and invested in a relationship with someone it can be very difficult and scary to suddenly have that route cut off.

Alternately contact one of her adult children or other family member and say to them what you have to us.

As she doesn’t claim attendance allowance I wonder if you could engineer a visit from Age UK (or whatever they’re called now) at which you are present, on the pretext of seeing if she is entitled to anything over and above the SP (perhaps best not to mention ‘benefits’)? As she’s so tight fisted she might agree - and her real inability to look after herself can come tumbling out. On the surface you’re doing her a favour - but the home truths which come out and your admission that at 81 you just can’t do everything she needs may mean she tells you never to darken her door again. 🤞

Sending a "heavy" round uninvited could be interpreted as harrassment.
However a well worded letter with a copy to the family should resolve the situation. As suggested above a weekend break would do you good.

She has family and they will have to step up...if she had no family you may well feel differently. But she has and they could be excused for thinking you are happy to be her unpaid carer.

You have done more than most people would do so have nothing to feel even slightly guilty about. Well done you, but now it's time to concentrate on you. Get that letter written and through her letter box and book yourself some treats.

I too favour the truthful and blunt approach.

Most of us have at least one "friend" of this type.

They do not take hints, so the only way forward is to say you are sorry, but you no longer are able to help her.

If she asks why not, say pleasantly that you are tired of helping someone who never does anything in return.

Even if she offered to pay your petrol and the coffee you and she have when you are shopping, it wouldn't help all that much,

Tell her frankly that you have other and better things to do than run her errand

Your neighbour is using you, or rather misusing your good nature. Put your foot down.

She will soon stop when she realises you expect her to do something in return.

I could not be so cruel as to send someone else round to tell her that I won't be helping her again, this is down to me to sort out. I can't cut her off completely as I could not hurt someone like that but I will cut it down a lot.

She has a lovely comfortable home with no money worries, just like me but she seems incapable of keeping up with the modern times. As I have said, I love technology, I have smart phones, smart watches, tablets, ear buds, laptops and a smart tv and they are all worked via Alexa and this keeps me young but many people like my friend (neighbour) have not kept up with the times and this affects their mental health. She listens to the tv for the news and has her milk and newspapers still delivered to the house, she is living in a world that is long gone, more is the pity as I too preferred life before technology but now I am 80, being computer literate has made my life so much easier but my friend, even though she is still in the pre-technology era, relies on me for so much.

I will sort it out, with Christmas and the New Year coming I will be busy with my own family so I will wait until 2024 and start to make other arrangements.

Thank you all again.

The messages on here GrannyGrunter are loud and clear you do need to cut her off completely or you will forever be at her beck and call. Is that how you want to spend the rest of your life? Put yourself first what do you want, how do you see your future life panning out, will or won't she be part of it. Only you can decide how much longer you want to be a doormat for! Sorry if this sounds harsh but the ball is in your court.

Oldnproud

GrannyGrunter

Than you all, I agree, she is very thick skinned and she has told me that she does not want to involve her family as they are busy people. I told her that when my dad died when I was 25, my mum was only 55 but we looked after her until she died aged 85, taking her shopping, on holidays, visiting her during the week even though it took me three buses to get to her house and decorating for her etc. She says times have changed and that no longer happens but I told her that my son takes me on holidays once a year and out for meals and I spend Christmas and the New Year with each of them. I know I don't see much of our family during the year but one phone call and they would be here for me. If my neighbour makes a phone call it is always to me.

When her TV broke down the other day, I told her I couldn't come until after the weekend and she said she could not do without her TV for that long so I toldher to ring an electrician, she said it would cost her too much money and I would do it for free. So off I walked to her house at 5 pm in the evening, in the dark and fixed it. She had pressed something on her remote which gave her a blank screen. I then walked back home at 6 pm in the dark. This is why I no longer answer the phone without checking who the caller is, if it is her then I don't answer.

Your second second paragraph there really highlights the problem, GrannyGrunter.

Why on earth did you give in and go round after saying that you couldn't/ wouldn't do it until after the weekend? Her excuse of "It would cost too much money and I would do it for free" should have been irrelevant.

I really dont understand why you didnt simply repeat that it would have to be after the weekend? That isn't confrontational, it's just reiterating your positiom.

She is behaving like a wilful, manipulative child with a weak parent, who has learnt that she can always get her way if she keeps throwing tantrums, pestering or sulking.
As every parent knows, you have lay down the ground rules, then be strong enough to hold your ground unless you are happy to put up with such behaviour for many years to come.

At the moment, you are your own worst enemy, because you are enabling your neighbour's bad behaviour.

I do understand your hating confrontation, but sometimes it is unavoidable. Ask yourself, what is the worst that can happen if you take a stand against this woman, apart from the temporary anxiety that you might experience while doing it ? My guess is that she might stop speaking to you, but in your position I would be quite happy with that outcome.

Be brave, take a deep breath and stand up for yourself - it will be worth it!

This is all spot on OldnProud

GrannyGrunter you are actually making the problem worse, allowing her to control your life and doing nothing really that will change the status quo. Unless you are willing to plan your responses to her requests and then use them nothing will change, in fact it will get worse. As OldnProud says that is not confrontational; you have told her what you can do, stick to it regardless of her emotional blackmail!

I also posted some suggested responses to scenarios you described, in an earlier post, which you might find helpful if you cant quite face stopping with the coffee and cake etc and shopping etc.

Having said that I do still see some red flags regarding potential financial abuse by family ...her money worries and fear of spending and the fact that her family went through her papers ring alarm bells. I do think a look at the Age UK website (I posted a link previously) would be wise.

I agree, she is very thick skinned and she has told me that she does not want to involve her family as they are busy people

This also highlights a POSSIBLE financial abuse fear ...not wanting to involve her family!! .

I could not be so cruel as to send someone else round to tell her that I won't be helping her again, this is down to me to sort out.

I agree GrannyGrunter