Always being on call for my elderly neighbour.

You need to be blunt with some people!

My Dad has plenty of money, but deep pockets and short arms...
He also still thinks you pay for food after you've eaten, which is often not the case these days.
I've learnt though. Recently I took him to M&S as he wanted new underwear.
We went for coffee and a scone, and before we got to the till I just said,
"Get your bank card out then."
"Oh am I paying?"
Yes!!

Like the neighbour in this thread, he'd asked to go, he couldn't go without my help, he's not short of money, I've used my time and car to take him, so paying for coffee is the least he can do.

I know everyone is correct in what they say. She once asked me to go out to the shops with her and to be at her house for 10-15 am. I got there five minutes early and her first words were, gosh you're early, I was in one of those moods as I really didn't want to go out as it was windy and raining so I said it's only 5 minutes early and don't forget I have to walk round to your house but she said that I had now put her in a tizz with being so early so I said, ok I will go home, there is nothing I want from the shops anyway and I went outside her house to go homewent home. She said I was being silly and taking it too much to heart. I should have stopped it there and then, I had the ideal opportunity but I didn't.

She is the most frustrating, annoying and bossy woman I have ever known. I will admit, I have cut it down to a quarter of what I used to do for her. With the now bad weather we don't go out as much and she can't come round to my house as she is bad on her feet and I live on top of a hill and my house has a very steep drive and with the cold air she has problems breathing. I still have to pass her house to get to the bus stop so I leave it as close as I can to the bus being due and when she calls me, I just say, can't stop the bus is due. I am a coward arn't I, but for the time being it is working. It is 4 months to spring so I now have time for myself, she wanted me to go round to her house to shorten her skirts but I told her that I need my own ironing board and things in my house as I am a tall person and my ironing board is a high one. I just make excuses.

Dear V3Ra, Your dad sounds very much like my mum used to be when we looked after her. Never offered to pay wherever we went, just took it for granted but always had to put her two pennyworth in and even then I never answered back.

My neighbour is exactly the same, it is like going out with my mum. Even though we are the same age 81 years old, I think of her as an old lady that needs to be looked after, which is ridiculous really. We went to the bank once and she turned round and said in a loud voice (my friend has no filter), sit there, sit there, I said I am okay standing so she said, no just sit there I won't be long. A customer said to me, go on love, sit where your mother tells you to. I said she is not my mother, we are the same age. Thank goodness, my neighbour didn't hear that because she went mad the last time when the waitress called her my mother. The other problem is, my friend has a loud voice and if she sees a woman with a bigger than average bosom she will say oh my god, look at her. I say, be quiet she will hear you. Then if she sees a person in a Hi-jab she has to voice her concerns about people coming to our country and not wearing our clothes. One of these days we will either be arrested for racism or beaten up by someone. I told our sons and they said again, mum get out now otherwise she can get you in trouble.

GrannyGrunter,

I know why you have so many problems with your neighbour. You are a ‘people pleaser’ like my husband.

Many years ago, I even have a woman threatened to kill me on Facebook. She tried to take advantage of my DH and he found it ever so difficult to say no to her. So, I told her that I knew exactly what she was trying to do, and told her, in not so many words, to back off.

www.healthline.com/health/people-pleaser

cornergran

The phrase I use is ‘that doesn’t work for me’. Then I ignore all questions about why it doesn’t work.

We live happily in a retirement development of bungalows. It’s a supportive community, generally caring in a distant sort of way. The vast majority of folk live their own lives while being ready to help at times of genuine need. Some examples. We’re currently grounded with covid and have been inundated with offers of shopping. When Mr C was in hospital so many offers of lifts. We happily offer lifts should folk not be able to take themselves to important appointments or add to our on line grocery order for those who can’t get out. I also reach things from high shelves for one tiny lady - I’m definitely not tiny!

There are, however, a couple of folk who are the exception to friendly neighbourly rules. They behave in a very similar way to your neighbour. Intrusive and demanding. Having extricated ourselves from one we now simply smile and after saying the stock phrase offer to call their family for them. So far we’ve not been taken up on the suggestion and gradually we’re not being asked.

Hold firm grannyg. It’s not easy and takes nerve but can be done. No need to hide behind the sofa.

This sounds a good strategy to me. I'll be bearing it in mind in case I need it in the future!

GrannyGrunter, I think if you initially say no to a request and then change that to 'yes' after getting objections, you are training your neighbour to go on at you till you give in. I think it would be better to be consistent. Having said no, I would stick to it.

Your neighbour is obviously considerably insensitive and as you don't currently want to cut her off completely, you need to set firm boundaries with her. This isn't easy but it seems better than the alternative.

There is a book called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud that might help.

www.amazon.co.uk/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control-ebook/dp/B06XFKNB2Y/ref=sr_1_1?crid=JKATE9UME1GS&keywords=boundaries+henry+cloud&sprefix=boundaries%2Caps%2C88&tag=gransnetforum-21&qid=1701549033&sr=8-1

Dear SporeRB,

You have hit the nail on the head, yes, I am a people pleaser, I hate upsetting anyone.

How, after all these years do I stop being one at 81 years of age. Before, when I was younger, it never mattered as in many cases I avoided problems, (anything for a quiet life). Now I am 891, I am too old to be at the beck and call of someone my own age and after reading all your fantastic comments and ideas, I have decided enough is enough. From now on when my friend/neighbour wants to go out I will just say no, I am busy and when sshe phones me I will do what I am now doing and that is not answering any calls from her and then ringing her back at my convenience and when she asks me to do anything I will tell her I am going to the Gp, hospital or our family are coming round. Hopefully this way she will slowly but surely get the message.

I know it is cowardly and I am going to look for the book called Boundaries and see what it says but I do know, this cannot go on as I will end up being phoned in the middle of the night if she is unwell, but in that scenario I will definitely ring her family, she gave me their numbers in case she was taken into hospital.

Well done for deciding that enough is enough, GrannyGrunter.

If you start to waiver, keep reminding yourself that she is using you and is not entitled to a single thing from you that you aren't happy to provide.

Good luck, and stay strong.

Thank you Oldnproud, I see I said I was 891 years old in my last message, sorry I am only 81.

Just think over the next year think how much money you will save not taking unnecessary taxis and only paying for your coffee and cake because you will not be dining with her.

I personally would cut her out of my life completely because she is not going to change and when the warmer weather comes (if ever) she will want/need to go out shopping.

Its not harassment for a friend or relative to go round to see and overbearing person and advocate for you.

What a silly remark!

Sometimes it takes a third party to make such individuals see that they are being bossy and overbearing and that such behaviour must stop.

They will soon get their claws into someone else but thats not your problem.

Well done GrannyGrunter stick at it. Good to know you have taken the advice from so many well wishers.
Look after yourself. At our age it takes all our energy to manage our own lives. It's good to have friends, but this neighbour is not a friend.
She will drain you dry if you allow her to. Then you will become dependent on your family. And it will be her fault. But she will just dump you and move on to the next person.

I think it would help you to distance yourself from this awful woman if only you could get cross about how she is completely taking advantage of you.
It’s not a friendship you have is it? It’s so one-sided and the thick skinned woman didn’t even have the decency to, just once, treat you to lunch! Unbelievable.

When I go out with a friend and have lunch out, it’s usually both of us trying to insist on paying for the other! That’s normal I should think, but what this grasping woman expects from you, kindly you, is not normal.

It’s obvious that you feel resentful, anybody in your situation would, so you really must, from now on, make yourself unavailable.

I agree with biglouis. Because your neighbour is so persistant and thick-skinned, I think it would be good if your son advocated for you if he is willing. He could pop round and explain to her that you will no longer be able to respond to her requests because it is simply too much for you.
Do please let us know how things go.

Is it possible for you to take a holiday or just go an stay with a friend/relative for a few weeks? Removing yourself physically from the scene of action if a good way of getting rid of someone who is a pest. Suddenly you are not there to dance attention on them and they will have to learn to manage of get their claws into someone else.

Then when you return you can tell her you have other priorities.