Always being on call for my elderly neighbour.

My only other suggestion is to move house. I don't mean that flippantly, *GrannyGrunter *- I have read various posts on both Gransnet and Mumsnet over the years where people have resorted to such drastic action in order to escape situations like this.

After all you (and your late husband) sacrificed over the years for the sake of others, you very much deserve better than this now, but the only way to help ensure that this will happen is to deal with the situation one way or another.
I feel for you, and really hope that things will work out for you. 💐

I worry that you say you will cut down but not cut her off.. If you continue to do anything for her then her needs and demands will only increase. She will become more and more incapable and demanding and you will find it increasingly difficult to say no. She is manipulative and you are by nature kind, caring and unassertive. She has recognised that. She has found herself a free carer. Please put an end to it. She is not your responsibility.

I honestly don't think that is the problem as they are all named in her will and have power of attorney so if they wanted to get her money earlier they could say that she is unfit to take care of herself, which she isn't. She is a capable woman who like me does all her own cleaning and washing, changes her bed and gets a shower every single day. She has a part-time gardener and diy man, like I have, so her health is not the problem but if anything goes wrong she rings me.

Our sons have told me the same as yourselves that this is her family's business and not mine and to put a stop to it as I am the same age as her and I should be looking after myself not looking after someone else who is taking advantage of me.

This happened to me some years ago. Elderly neighbours suddenly became very frightened by life in general.one of their adult sons died and his wife remarried. They were appalled as they felt she should have mourned him for ever with them and also look after them in their old age. Their second son had detached himself somewhat so they latched onto me . I was new to the area and honestly glad to have people to talk to but when things I helped them with turned sour it was difficult. I arranged food deliveries for them but they didnt say they had enough of something so cupboards were bursting with food they couldn’t eat. I arranged a cleaning lady for them but they accused her of stealing when she had changed their bed and took the dirty sheets to wash( the old lady was hand washing sheets for some reason) . They then demanded that I did their cleaning and so it went on. I got the son’s phone number and every time they asked something I phoned the son. In the end he persuaded them into temporary care while the house was made more suitable for them. The old lady thrived and stayed on. Her husband declined rapidly.

I agree with Germanshepherdsmum - her demands are likely to increase.

We've all told you, effectively, the same as your sons. But because you're of a kindly disposition, you seem reluctant to do the only thing that will put a stop to her abuse of your good nature.

My fear is that you will end up becoming entangled with her needs in such a way that you will find it difficult to extricate yourself from the situation which could blight your remaining years. If her family - and eventually, social services - believe that you are that good neighbour who is prepared to take on the responsibility of an unpaid carer, they will all simply leave you to it and you'll end up with her becoming your responsibility. To the point possibly where you can't evade her via stepping into a taxi or ignoring her calls.

I understand what you mean but my friend (neighbour) is perfectly okay to do her own shopping and is great at making lists out so there is no problem there, the main problem is she is always asking me for help with shortening her skirts, making phone calls for her to businesses as I get free calls with my broadband package and free calls with my mobile but she only has a pay as you go phone and has to pay for landline calls. I have told her to change it to a new sim card with an account but she has to have an email address which of course she cannot get on her old fashioned mobile, so she comes to me to make these calls as I get them for free with my packages. I have explained that they are not free as I pay a monthly amount to both the accounts but she cannot understand that as far as she is concerned, I get free mobile and free landline calls and that is all she is bothered about. I tried to talk her into getting a smart phone but no, which I was glad of as I knew I would be the one setting it up and there is no way on this earth could she have organised an email address through the smartphone so I didn't push it. She wanted to go to EE and have a look at the phones but because they wanted an email address to set the account up for the sim card she wanted me to give them my email address so all her details would come to me and if there was a problem I could sort it out. I told her NO. if she wanted a smart phone then she had to ask her sons to give her their email address or show her how to set it up on the new smartphone so she decided to stay with the pay as you go.

This week as been the best week I have had as I now do not answer the phone when I see her number pop up. Today I made an error and answered the phone without checking and she asked me to go out shopping tomorrow as she wanted to take some things to a charity shop and they were too heavy for her to carry so I said no, our son was coming over and was staying the night and then she asked about Wednesday next week so I said no, he was coming again to stay over, I wasn't lying as he is coming over on both those days as now it is leading up to Christmas he stays over a lot as he lives quite a long way away but meets up with his old school friends in my city. So I have got the next two weeks clear and if I want to go out on my own our son will drop me off wherever I want to go and then goes home so I will get a taxi home after having a few hours out on my own at the Christmas market. My friend told me about the Christmas market and I said I was going to go so she asked to go with me but there is noway she can be on her feet longer than 30 minutes so I told her I was going with our son. I also told her to ring the charity shop and they will collect the items she has but she said there was not enough for a van to take them so she will wait until I am free. Can you imagine, having to carry a big black bag of clothes and shoes, I think she thinks I am 20 years old and not 81.

I think I will leave it there as the problem is down to me to get a backbone. I appreciate everyones advice but it is easier said than done but I will make a concious effort to sort the problem out even if it means telling lies and saying that I am washing my hair, not feeling well, going to the doctors or hospital etc. I will see how it enfolds after the New Year.

Thank you all so much, I really appreciate your advice.

I think your problem now is you are making excuses but she needs to know that you are no longer prepared to do all that she is asking. You are going to have to be assertive and tell her straight. "I will not take your stuff to a charity shop. Make your own arrangements." And so on. By making excuses, you are allowing her to think you'll give in.

you should not have told her how clever you are at everything in my opinion. Of course she then thought how useful you could be!

I said that earlier Grandmabatty. I’m almost going down the symbiotic relationship theory now. (Duck down!).

enmeshed.

Thank you all for your great advice. Like I said before,I am going to have to tackle this head on before it gets really out of control otherwise I will be getting calls in the middle of the night asking me to go round as she is ill.

Yes I agree,be honest but kind. You could put it in a nice card and pop it in her door,maybe?💖

Hi Sm63. I could never do that, it would have to be done on a face to face basis but knowing my friend/neighbour, I honestly do not know how she would take it. At the beginning, a few years ago when we went to Friendship groups etc. everything was okay then slowly it became obvious that she looked on me as more of a helper than someone to go out and about with because I had technology at my fingertips and that meant she did not have to get involved with it even though I told her to get a laptop and pay for a Broadband account and I would teach her the basics but it was too much trouble when she had someone who could do it for her. I really made a rod for my own back by being helpful and I didn't expect it to backfire on me like it has. I would not have honestly minded showing her the ropes of technology as I absolutely love it but it is the other things that have crept in, carrying bags, pushing trollies, paying for meals etc. it has got to the stage she has taken me fo granted and it has now got to stop.

fool me once, shame on you.
fool me twice, shame on me.

Please, no more excuses from you, tell her the truth. She is a user and never gives you anything in return such as saying- you have been so kind and decent to me I will take you out for a meal. In this cold weather, I will order a taxi there and back.

Good luck but please do it soon so you can have a pleasant Christmas.

Good advice from everyone. I especially like what Charleygirl15 has advised.
Please act as soon as possible.
All the best for the future.

Dear Aldom, Yes I agree with what Charleygirl15 has said. Only last week we went out and as per usual I paid for coffee and a toasted teacake. On Thursday she wanted to go to a garden club for some shoes inside the store and asked me to go with her as she wanted to look at some Christmas trees and would like me to carry it for her. It suited me as I also wanted to buy a couple of plants so I said yes.

As per usual she sat down and told me what she wanted but then said, "you always pay for our meal so this time we will buy our own", I honestly thought she was going to say she would pay for our meal but no. I got quite excited thinking I was going to be treated. Talk about Grinch.

GranyGrunter, doubt if you need a "backbone" I guess the elephant in the room is that nobody wants to hurt a stupid old woman who is not only tech stupid but also and destructively socially stupid.

GrannyGrunter

Dear Aldom, Yes I agree with what Charleygirl15 has said. Only last week we went out and as per usual I paid for coffee and a toasted teacake. On Thursday she wanted to go to a garden club for some shoes inside the store and asked me to go with her as she wanted to look at some Christmas trees and would like me to carry it for her. It suited me as I also wanted to buy a couple of plants so I said yes.

As per usual she sat down and told me what she wanted but then said, "you always pay for our meal so this time we will buy our own", I honestly thought she was going to say she would pay for our meal but no. I got quite excited thinking I was going to be treated. Talk about Grinch.

"Oh dear, I forgot my money, you'll need to pay"...

She really needs a carer to do her shopping or take her shopping doesn’t she?

You are being well and truly used by someone who clearly feels entitled to treat you like a maid-of-all-work.
Doubtless her family have been used the same way too, no wonder they don't come round if all they got by way of thanks is her sharp tongue!
She's manipulative, cunning and shameless but one day Karma will catch up with her appalling behaviour......

Hi GrannyGrunter ,
You are obviously a very nice person , who is being used .

I feel madly guilty if I ask a friend /neighbour to help me out with anything .
I reimburse her , thank her profusely and buy her nice gifts and take her out for tea and lunch . I do help her out with things particularly gardening .

I hope that she doesn't feel put upon .
I'd be mortified if she does .

In the past , I devoted most of my time in helping a friend run her school for no payment .
Very nice to me for the first four years -she became vile , ungrateful , critical , set on humiliating me and verbally abusive .

When my father became ill I stopped and received abusive phone calls and a final text .

Recently, I tried to help a girl selling the Big Issue by buying her food .
How quickly , it turned into demands for cash for beauty treatments and new clothes !

Good luck with your neighbour .
I'd perhaps , restrict my help to just essentials and certainly not dressmaking !
Getting social services involved is a good idea .

Perhaps look in the mirror and practice 'no thank you' - as if what she is asking of you is a question not a demand. Practice will make it easy.

'Thank you for asking, but no thank you'

'Oh dear, I'm busy - I'll have to pass'

'I misplaced my needles'

'I call Bob to repair, here is his number'

'Perhaps your daughter can help'

If you go out again with her and lunch is on the cards just tell her before you order it is her turn to pay for both of you as you have paid so often. And don't take no for an answer. You are being a doormat and obviously resent it. So do something about it.
Preferably don't go out with her again...unless you really like her company. But it doesn't sound like that is the case.