Three and a half years since he died, but Christmas feels so hard ..

Describing this special time of year as ‘something to be got through’/ survived sounds such a negative. Yet for many of us, it’s a reality yet as well as managing, we have some joy. Those of us blessed with loving sensitive adult children know how fortunate we are. Similarly if we have grandchildren joy and excitement are around us. My 4 year old, later his 7 year old brother both confided quietly, at different times that they used their Christmas wishes to wish Grandad could come home 💙

I was very blessed to have a good Christmas with family. Two of my DDs were there with their families, and they have an uncanny knack of sensing how I am feeling (even when I think I am covering it up well) and saying and doing the right things; and the loving hugs from dear GC have seen me through.

Boxing Day we walked up a beautiful hill by us with 360 views - I did not make it to the top, but enjoyed the fresh air and the views from the lower slopes. And many people I know were walking there too, so people to chat to and share greetings.

Yesterday my SIL's family were also with us, with the exception of SIL's father who died a few weeks ago. But we all got through that, and his wife seemed to find moments of enjoyment in having family around her.

It is a shame when Christmas becomes something to be "got through" - but satisfying to do that and to have had moments of enjoyment.

Sending good wishes to all in the same rocky boat - I hope there were pleasures to be had. Thank goodness there will be spring to come - although at this moment we have torrential rain with 49 mph winds - we timed our lovely walk well!

I’ve filled today with dog walks, kitchen tidy/floor cleaned, fire cleaned and set, brunch then came to a stuttering stop where my husband’s absence loomed
I took myself to TK Max in the hope of picking up another rug to cover more of the kitchen floor - huge muddy dog paws. I didn’t find the rug but I’ve lit the fire and I’m catching up with gransnet enjoying a cuppa and a mince pie. This time of year does enhance feelings x

I am back home after two days of being welcomed, fed and entertained by my very supportive family. I spent Sunday at home alone, reflecting on memories, enjoying music and Carols from Kings, but it was better being amongst my family.

I think that all of us who have been widowed or lost a close family member feel very vulnerable at this time of the year. I have been on my own for 27 years but still think of how Christmas used to be instead of now. Thank God for grandchildren, they make Christmas more bearable.
I also do not like New Year, I've never liked it, as I always think of the people who are no longer with us.
I always think in my mind, " This too shall pass" and look forward to everything returning back to normal.
It's strange but this year everything feels different. I start radiotherapy on the 2nd Jan, it's ongoing treatment for stage 4 lung cancer. Ironically, I feel very well at the moment and have no pain.

Your posts have brought tears to my eyes
Truly we are all on borrowed time
Blessings and comfort to all xxx

Smileless2012

I'm so sorry Luckygirl and hope that at some point your memories of all the wonderful years you spent together will, push these upsetting ones to the back of your mind .

I hope so too Lucky Girl. Try to remember the good times.

Same situation, Luckygirl. DH died three years ago in December. He was also in a nursing home, suffering from severe delusions. The funeral was the week before Christmas. Initially, I was relieved at his release from the misery he had endured, so that first Christmas wasn’t so bad, but this year in particular, the memory of all the lovely family Christmases we had in the past have upset me.

My feelings of grief and loss are definitely heightened at this time of year and , by choice, I spent Christmas day on my own as that was easier than being around others. My son phoned to say my little grand daughter had a fit in the bath this morning, was rushed in to hospital and has since had another fit. Still waiting on the results of further tests but it may be due to low sodium levels. My son was really poorly on Christmas eve with d and v so it may be the toddler has that. She is being kept in tonight. I wish I could just flick a switch and it would be February (January is a dreadful month as I have my late husband's birthday, the fifth anniversary of his death and the third anniversary of my late Dad's death in the space of three days) and the little one would be happy and healthy.
To all those who are nursing poorly loved ones or are grieving I sent my love.

My husband died 6 years ago but I had to move from our lovely shared home and it was like losing him over again as somehow while I was in our home he still seemed to be with me in a way, looking at all the things he did and the garden etc. This place has nothing of him of course, it is practically the right thing to have done but I have found it very hard and missed him a lot this year. Have spent the day on my own and my son and family are quite a long way away and they have not been well so again not sensible or practical to visit as we do not want to give each other our bugs etc. I felt more alone when I went out and saw many families out together but know that actually some will be enjoying it all but others will be wishing they could be on their own!1 My great consolation is always music and especially J S Bach, who gives me joy and solace always. If you like his music they have Bach before 7, on radio 3 every morning and however the morning has begun and whatever pain I am in it is always both cheering and calming so maybe you might like to listen to that and know that people will be listening and thinking of you and hoping that things improve for you. It has naturally added to your grief going back to that hospital and hospice, so you are bound to look back to those memories. I try and do a mix of things. sometimes I do sit and have a cry and at other times I feel angry and upset and that is a great time to make some bread as it lets me have something to punch and bash with a good result in the end! Other days I dont want to go outside and see anyone but do try to have even a very short walk to look at the gardens etc. I find nature very calming and also hopeful. It is lovely to see the first signs of snowdrops coming through the ground and to look for any signs of blossoms and leaves on trees. I dont make a set routine but just accept that some days are worse than others and on bad days the music and of course as with the other person I am a great reader and Pride and Prejdudice or for a change Tracey Chevalier Girl with a Pearl Earring or another one of hers which tells about a Quaker girl going to america and the journey and the contact with the quilting world might appeal. I hope you find something to read that takes your mind from your sadness and that the new year will be better for you. Our modern version of contact on here does give you a chance to say whatever you want to and to know that this is your opportunity to write about whatever is concerning you at the moment and that we will all try to help each other if we can. Wishing you peace and calmness in the future and that the better memories of your husband will return .

So very sorry for you, your post has brought me to tears.
So sad when our last memories aren't easy to bear. It's the second Christmas for me and I know there's nothing I can say which will help you. For me it's also the fact that our wedding anniversary is so close to Christmas that prolongs the extra pain. I'll be very glad when the whole holiday period is over and done with but please believe that you're not alone, there are many of us going through the same things - it helps me to think of that and I hope it might be of comfort to you.

I too am finding Christmas hard to cope with, it’s my first without my daughter who died in May as the result of a very traumatic fall down the stairs, and as she suffered from a life long heart and lung condition, she would not have survived the surgery she needed to save her and we had to agree to let her go. We were with her till the end, so, like many people I for one will be glad when Christmas and New Year are over.

My thoughts are with you. First year I coped better than this year.
It is very hard, try to stay strong.
Sending love

I found this year very difficult as DH loved to see the GDs, he would have been so very proud of their achievements and the lovely young ladies they have become.
Christmas night is always spent round the piano with carols and other favourite music and that is when I feel his absence the greatest, not having him standing beside me.
GD would play for him when he was dying and it comforted him.

Much kindness in this thread.

Luckygirl3 We are navigating an everyday sadness that is all around us and part of so very many people's lives, but it still seems that many people do not get the fact that, however many happy things you experience (and truly enjoy), you carry this fundamental hole in your life that never goes away.

Perhaps that hole is what my sister-in-law references as a rock, always in her pocket, the edges rubbed a bit smoother, but still there.

My worst fear, for all who experience such sadness.

This is a comforting thread with kindness empathy and shared feelings of loss especially at this highly charged emotional time of year

I am in the fortunate position ( or unfortunate) in having 2 of my closest friends lose partners too and we are very supportive, phoning each other often and having a cuppa together. But I did have a friend ask me to a New Year party and to bring a friend!To be honest they never have been my scene eve when DH was alive , but his death on NY’s eve makes it more a no no 😟.

This will be my third Christmas without DH and my fifth without DD1. It doesn’t get easier - just different.

Talking about them - we always raise a glass, helps but I’m careful to keep a lid on my emotions for DD2’s sake. She has lost her sister and her father after all. I sometimes feel Gransnet is the only place where I can ‘talk’ to those who understand.

We’ve had the good times and they sure ain’t coming back but we’re stoic enough to know the importance of moving on in a way that will hopefully give our families the best of memories when our time comes.

Hang on in there, folks!

Love to all of you who are 'coping' with Christmas, loss seems somehow more difficult at this time of year, perhaps because of specific memories, perhaps because of the enforced jollity. Five years ago today was my Mother's funeral, a strange time with people wishing me a Happy Christmas.......

I love the way my GC talk openly about Papa - I know he would have loved that they do this.

RosiesMaw - you are right that we seem outwardly to be coping. One or two people who have known how low I have felt this year in the run up to Christmas ask: "Oh, dear, what has happened?" They think some new tragedy has hit me and do not realise that it is the same one that is always there. Others understand thankfully - but I do not blame those who don't.

We are navigating an everyday sadness that is all around us and part of so very many people's lives, but it still seems that many people do not get the fact that, however many happy things you experience (and truly enjoy), you carry this fundamental hole in your life that never goes away..

I can't really offer much consolation except to say it does get a bit easier, eventually. Nobody who has not experienced Christmas without a much loved one can imagine what a triggering experience it can be. I used to find the rest of the year hard but do-able if I put my mind to it, but Christmas........
I know all this is little comfort to you but I will be thinking about you as yet again I shall not be "Simply having wonderful Christmas time."

RosiesMaw thank you for expressing how it is for you so well. My feelings mirror the ones you describe.
I’m blessed with family and friends but the huge space left by my husband’s death remains. My 4 and 7 year old grandchildren stayed last night, parents on the Christmas razzle. They always talk about grandad , I had a cry once they were tucked up after the bed time story

To all those people missing loved ones . My mum would have been 100 last week and my lovely Father the week before and I cried, they both died in the run-up to Christmas.
Christmas isn't a happy time for everyone and we never forget them even if we appear to.

Luckygirl so hard to go through that and hard to relive it over again in memories

Grief is the price we pay for love ❤️

My first Christmas this year - hoping it gets better .