Respect

Oh yes, often heard on police dramas.

To me a narc is someone payed back handlers by the police for information.
As I am always telling the grandchildren, words are important.

Purplepixie

Why should a child be respectful to a narc step person? I find this question a big creepy to say the least. Children are children and they copy off others.

Taking a new partner when you have children at home is always fraught because the child (whatever age) may be resentful because you broke up with his/her parent. Then you go on to have further children with new partner it gets worse, and it the new partner is hostile makes it worse.

There is no solution other than don’t have a new live in partner until the children have gone, every case is different if it goes wrong it will spoil any new relationship.

Good luck with that one if you really are dealing with a narcissist

Why should a child be respectful to a narc step person? I find this question a big creepy to say the least. Children are children and they copy off others.

I believe that 'elders' are due a certain amount of respect unless they sacrifice it through bad behaviour
Much depends on the age of the young man
Where is his mum in all this?
And his dad?
If the stepfather is a narc then the 'received wisdom' is that he will not and indeed cannot change, and if he is a malignant narcissist he could be dangerous, especially emotionally.
The young man needs protection and support, personally but also professionally, so he can understand and manage the situation. I don't think 'respect' is the most important point, I would put safety ahead of it.

I also agree that respect is earned

But there is a difference between respecting someone and speaking in a respectful manner...

I don't know how old your grandson is or why he is being exposed to this man but I'd this is a situation that can't be reported for whatever reason

I would encourage him to always be the better person, understand that he is a good person who deserves better and work hard towards being self sufficient as soon as possible

Young people brought up by narcissists can be resilient with a good adult role model and he has one in you

Caleo

Dogsmother wrote:

[Respect is earned. From whoever and personally speaking I don’t really think a child like any other person will give it to anyone who doesn’t earn it."]

I disagree. A younger person should always 'respect' an older person more than his the young person's peers.. By 'respect' I refer to ordinary civilised good manners, but not to unquestioning obedience.

A younger person should always 'respect' an older person more than his the young person's peers
I can't agree, sorry.

Some adults do not deserve respect.

We cannot make an assessment on such little information anyway.

JenniferEccles

Or maybe some like me are a bit confused by the post.
‘Narc’ First of all I thought it meant the step-father was a drug addict (narcotics) but now I see the abbreviation is for narcisssist.

Yes, I was puzzled and there is not a lot of detail to go on.

I wouldn't advise one way or another about something like that.

Has this man been formally diagnosed as a narcissist? The term is bandied around so much nowadays, it is losing its meaning and impact.

Wise advice keepingquiet

Is “narc” now the normal version of “narcissistic”?
I was envisioning “narcotic” for the first few posts.

What age is the young person, and how much autonomy does he have? Also, respect for a narcissistic step-dad? Isn’t that a minefield for a young person, requiring a degree of suppression/distortion of the young person’s own feelings in the relationship?

Perhaps you mean helping the young person to differentiate between the respect or disrespect he receives from his step-dad?

It’s very difficult often impossible to reason with an addict, they have a distorted view of what is reasonable. Bringing a drug addict into your life is never going to be a good influence on any children.

How old is this young person? Their is a vast difference between trying to teach a 7 year old and a 15 year old about respect. And is it the youngster who is lacking in respect, or is he/she being treated disrespectfully?

If the youngster's stepfather really is a narcissist and disrepects others, then nothing can be done to change him, and it is probably better not to interfere in any way.

I may have missed your point, but I don't see why the stepfather is relevant, unless you mean he is the cause of the younger person's lack of respect.

I used to call this step father syndrome with colleagues years ago. It's where the stepfather resents the child that is already there when they have a new partner. They treat the child as if they are always bad with an aim of getting the child into care or placed with a relative. The child responds by being increasingly badly behaved and eventually the mother turns against the child too. You see this escalate if the parent and step parent have a new baby together.
I don't know what the answer is but a lot of these children eventually go right off the rails in the teenage years and early adult hood. A sad situation for all concerned.

The main issue here is the subjectivity with the concept of respect and disrespect -different people will give a wide varity of definitons depending on their believes, how they were raised, etc

BlueBelle

I haven’t answered because it’s all so vague and I m unsure about it
Are you a grandmother (the user name suggests it) or are you the mother married to a narcissistic man is it a question about a son or grandson or just a question in general ?

I agree. The OP is so unclear it is not really possible to respond. I think the posters who have replied are heroic..

Dogsmother wrote:

[Respect is earned. From whoever and personally speaking I don’t really think a child like any other person will give it to anyone who doesn’t earn it."]

I disagree. A younger person should always 'respect' an older person more than his the young person's peers.. By 'respect' I refer to ordinary civilised good manners, but not to unquestioning obedience.

Apologies if that sounds flippant your child will learn from you and treat other adults appropriately. I hope that sounds better.

I haven’t answered because it’s all so vague and I m unsure about it
Are you a grandmother (the user name suggests it) or are you the mother married to a narcissistic man is it a question about a son or grandson or just a question in general ?

Respect is earned. From whoever and personally speaking I don’t really think a child like any other person will give it to anyone who doesn’t earn it.

Traditional respect or good manners that a young person shows an older person is a strength in a young person .

Even if the older person is a criminal ,or stupid , does not respect you, or is immoral those are not reasons to fail to show respect. It is not hard to have good respectful manners and an adult can learn these from a book.

However, respect is not the same as obedience. You can respect the person while not agreeing with their choices.
If the OP is a grandmother or grandfather in the family he/she might refer to the stepdad respectfully while disapproving appropriately , and if necessarily vocally, of how stepdad chooses to behave.

For instance if the child is actually needing to be controlled then the stepdad may deserve to get the grandparent's moral support. If the stepdad is too controlling for the child's good , then the best role for the grandparent is to provide a safe haven for the child when the child needs a safe haven. However the safe haven should not be a place where other people whoever they are are not respected as people.

To teach a child good manners I agree with other posters that they learn from the examples of their friends and relations.

It is unfair to put a young person in the position where they end up with a step parent who is a narcissist. Then expecting that young person to (I assume) respect the step parents behaviour.

Sorry I have assumed son, it could be your grandson.

So the step dad is disrespectful and narcissistic but you want your son to model the required behaviour to pacify him? What a sad thing to ask 😭are you ok?