Feeling a bit left out!

LOUISA1523

flappergirl

I don't have grandchildren and I'm more than happy with that. I only had one child myself through choice (whom I love dearly) and I am just not baby or child orientated. If I had grandchildren I really wouldn't want to see them every day. I'm too busy with my own life to be honest.

I have a friend who lives only for her grandchildren. It's all she ever talks and thinks about, endlessly. I wonder if this is something of a modern phenomenon because I don't remember grandparents being so obsessive years ago.

If you don't have grandchildren then you can't say say how often you would want to seecthem....you have never experienced that love that is having a grandchild...different to the love you feel for your children .....there is only your own normal...I see my GC at least 4 times a week....that is my normal.....i was busy with my own life ....still working full time , then I became a grandparent.....I don't need to see my 3 every day .....but I certainly think about them every day....I wouldn't call myself obsessive

i am sorry, all I can say to LOUISA1523 is that I am a grandmother and I felt none of this obsession with my grandchildren that you describe, neither when they were born, or since. They are now mid-teenagers.

It doesn't mean that I do not love them and I am delighted to see them whenever I can, but in many ways I am thankful I live some distance, although I wish it was much less than 200 miles and we are now moving to be closer to our children with an easier journey between us.

It was the same with my children, they were much wanted, but I rejoiced in every small step they took towards independence , from being able to sit up unaided to flying the nest. We are a close family and remain so still because no one has ever clipped our wings for family reasons.

I am in entire agreement with flappergirl

I agree with MOnica and flappergirl, and confess to being a wee bit puzzled by statements like ‘never experienced the love that is having a grandchild’, and people saying they are ‘overwhelmed’ with love for a grandchild. I do love all my grandchildren, but time spent with them has always varied, depending on when we saw their parents, and now that they are older they can visit on their own. I do understand ClaraDee wanting to give them space, but I do think I’d make sure the parents knew that I’d love to see more of the wee ones. To me it’s one of those things that can build up over time, and I’ve seen friends become obsessed with how much time other family members ( especially the other grandparents) spend with the children.
I noticed ClaraDee said she thought she’d be invited more, but could it be that the children’s parents will be saying they thought she’d have visited more? Good communication at the outset can prevent a lot of problems later.

How much did you see your adult children before they had children?

I don't think it will change a lot.

I have 8 grandchildren. Three of them live near by - and one of these is now living with us plus her partner because of the lack of suitable housing. I see the other two a fair bit which is nice. The other 5 live further away but we're still in contact though we don't see them as much as we did. They all know we're here if they need us and I know they'd come to our need if necessary too. It seems to work for us all which is lovely.

Some would love to see their grandchildren once a fortnight, so be happy.

I think fortnightly is great and I know how much young children can change/develop at this age. Why not ask both sets of parents if they’d be open to a video call on the in between weeks.

Congrats on being a grandparent and try to enjoy them.

I think all families have their own 'normal' - everybody's lives are different. The worst thing you can do is compare your own lie to the lives of other people. It depends on people's jobs, how far away they are, financial situation, health, ability to travel and so many other things. Things change over time too, so you don't know what the future holds. Just enjoy your visits and let the parents know how happy you are to be a grandma and how happy you are for them. Let them know that if you can do anything to help them out while they are such new parents you are happy to help. Don't make this all about you or put your life on hold.

I can also agree that I don't feel that urge to see the grandchildren lots.
Not now, obviously, because they're young men, but also when they were little.

I know my mum felt like that about my daughter, but even she could have too much of a good thing!

NotSpaghetti

How much did you see your adult children before they had children?

I don't think it will change a lot.

Agreed.

We see our GC as much, not more, than we see our AC.

Seems quite logical.

With two young children, life is probably a bit chaotic for the parents and once a fortnight seems reasonable. Personally I wouldnt want to see them very day as I’d find it exhausting! I have a 20 month old grandson and I see him on average once a week which with some babysitting in between. As delightful as he is, it’s very tiring as he’s on the go all the time and you need eyes in the back of your head.

Do you invite them to yours instead of waiting to be invited to theirs? Maybe for tea or Sunday lunch?

Don’t wait to be invited - ask if you can visit/call in!

I only had one daughter and she now lives in Australia with her husband and twin sons, so I don’t see them very often. Even if they still lived here, I wouldn’t be obsessed about seeing them all the time as some grandparents seem to do. They have their own lives to live.

I can understand your feelings, could it be a communication issue, do you make arrangements or wait for them? I would have a chat and say you would love to see them more but dont want to be pushy etc. I had a similar issue years back and had an honest chat with my son, he hadnt realized! Began to bring them round more and invited me for days out. No need for a big conversation, keep it light, best of luck to you. When i was brining mine up it was a case of the more people who loved my children the better!

Parents will soon need you as grandchildren grow older. Just be available if you want to be.

I'm in full agreement with MOnica and flappergirl. I have so much going on in my life that I'm not tied to children or GC. We bring our children up to be independent and choose their own paths and should be proud that they have achieved that.
I have two GC in Canada and consider myself fortunate if I see them once a year!

Try being endlessly helpful. When you visit, wash up, do some laundry… That will make you a welcome visitor! Don’t go round and expect to sun holding the baby while they wait on you ( I’m sure you don’t). Also hold back on the advice unless asked. I think the mums mum generally gets most contact.

Well, once a fortnight would have been magical for me. Now I hardly see them at all and I have kept my mouth shut! Take all the visits that you get.

Make the most of the time you are with them and I am sure any offeres of help will be welcomed in the future. In the meantime you are welcome to borrow my 2 lovely grandsons who run me ragged and who leave me completely exhausted!!

when our first grandchild was born, they lived in england, we were in scotland, so we couldn't see them as often as we'd like,we travelled down to see them every couple of months, and they visited us when they could, there were a few tears every time we had to return home, but that's just the way it was
enjoy the time you do have with your grandchildren..

They will calm down over time. A few months on they will be scrambling for help. Sit back, smile and make sure they know you are up for it. Let me know how it goes. Interested.

You don't say how close by they are?

If my grandchildren lived nearby I would expect to see them informally- ask parents if they need shopping, some time to themselves etc, but not to pop by unannounced.

If they are further away I think once a fortnight is ok, but not to turn into a 'rule' there may be times you see them less, sometimes more depending on what's going on.

One thing I have learned as a gran is that the relationship with your own child is more important than that with your grandchildren.

They are the parents now and heaven knows how tough it is these days. Treasure your grandchildren by all means but make sure it is through the relationship you had first with your own child, and not a replacement.

Congratulations though- it is a very special time when they are young.

I saw my grandchildren very frequently when they were small. I took early retirement when they were little and did Supply teaching. It was all very handy for the parents because most of the time I could do any babysitting that was needed. I normally did every day of half terms and we planned our week in advance + always a day at the museum, a day at home and a lunch out in a proper restaurant. DGD used to like to go back to the restaurant ‘for old times sake’ when she was a teenager or young woman.
They have a cousin who lives abroad and not wishing to miss out on the action he would love to come out with us and not only go to the same restaurant but want to sit at the last table we had sat at and ask what had been eaten! We all had such lovely times together.

I’m a granny and although I don’t live near my daughter, when I visit, I’ve always offered to help with anything, taking grandchild for a stroll in the buggy or to the park, walking the dog, cleaning, ironing, decoratin, cooking etc I just say let me know if there’s anything I can help with and there’s always something. A helping hand is sometimes more practical and appreciated than giving the baby cuddles. Off course I realise some young parents wouldn’t need any help, but as the children have grown older, I babysit too

That's the most sensible thing I've heard in song time.

I have 2 dads one will soon be 9 and the other just recently turned 1. When the oldest was born her parents were very young and split up when she was 6mnths old. My ds came back home and he had the baby every weekend, so we saw a lot of dgd, eventually he moved out and we were lost for a wee while, but we still saw a lot of them. A couple of years ago he got into another relationship and we’d only met the girl once or twice before he announced he was going to be a dad again. We don’t get to see either ds or dgds as much as we’d like, but I recently reduced my hours at work so am looking forward to looking after the baby a couple of days a week as his partner has gone back to work. Their getting married soon, so this will help with their childcare costs