Feeling guilty if I relax

Yep, the protestant ethic is deeply ingrained.... the devil makes work for idle hands etc. A lifetime of caring for others is hard to change at this stage in our lives.

I know just how you feel - at 89 I do keep busy - walk my dog, do the lighter garden chores, do a big food shop every 4 weeks then batch cook, just for me. However, as I am surrounded by such beautiful countryside I am 'making' myself 'stop and smell the roses'. As there is just me, my dog and 3 rescue cats, my home is always reasonably clean, neat and tidy so the daily polishing, floor washing and bathroom cleaning, have been made a weekly chore! If I hadn't taken my book into the garden during the last few warm and sunny days, I would have missed the visit of a deer amongst the sheep in my field, and the very late return of the swallows to my stables. Very worried about the swallows - there used to be many pairs nesting here but they have decreased in numbers until only one pair last year and, so far, only the one pair again.

Perhaps you feel guilty for the same reason that I used to:

when I was a teenager my mother had strict rules about sitting down to "read a book" (said in a scornful tone of voice). I was only allowed to do so, if I had finished all my homework, practised my music, helped with the washing-up etc.

At weekends and during school holidays the rule was No reading in the morning. After 2 in the afternoon it was allowed "if you have nothing more useful to do".

For years, after I was adult and living in my own home, I felt guilty, until I realised it was my mother¨s (dare I say it?) ridiculous rules that were making me feel guilty.

So, I told myself firmly: I am GROWN UP now, and I decide when I can and cannot do things. I managed to train myself out of feeling guilty when I sat down to read, hear music etc. so you can too.

You deserve to enjoy having fewer responsiblities - you have earned the right to please yourself.

OhBeJoyful

The one positive during Covid lockdowns was being forced to stay at home and not rush around being " busy!" I read more books then than ever before, and didn't feel at all guilty. Now however the guilt has returned!

I felt the same - in some ways lockdown was quite a relief as I didn’t have to rush round doing my hobbies and clubs or look after the grandchildren.
I’m 77 but find it hard to just relax and ‘do nothing’. I hate housework so the dust building up doesn't bother me at all but I do like to keep the garden tidy in between my interests. As I read this thread I am feeling guilty as I need to get the hedge cut before it rains (am worried it might get out of hand if I don’t). I wish I could just relax and just read a book or turn on the TV but as people say the guilt comes rushing in.🫣

I got ill healthed out of my job 18 months ago, I am only 64, but now if I am tired I sit as carrying on just causes pain. Has taken me over a year to accept this and to stop feeling guilty. Worked all my days, brought up a family, and a carer for hubby, though he now does for me as well as me him, we both play to our strengths. I knit or sew or do nothing depending on how tired my brain is, very some days.
I also knit hats and blankets and toys for the local children's ward and the maternity unit as my way of giving back.
Think we are just of the generation that doing nothing was unheard of.

No one can give you permission other than you. You sound self aware enough to examine why you are denying yourself this freedom. Guilt, fear, anger. Once you have decided, put it aside and move forward. Only you can do this.

I, too, have had a busy life. Four children and six grandchildren. I have worked outside my home as well. I retired at 65 but then looked after two of my grandchildren until I was 72.
I had downsized so there wasn't much work to do in my new flat. This was when the guilt crept in. I could keep the place clean in a a few hours a week so I had plenty if time to relax. At first I would spend hours out walking and then find things to do that didn't really need doing.
Five years on and I spend my time on enjoying myself mostly. I still walk but just for one hour. I love to read and do puzzles and enjoy series on the TV. I don't feel guilty any more as, like others, after more than fifty years looking after others I need a rest.

After preparing our food for the day doing a quick tidy up. I love pottering about in the garden especially my veg patch. Sitting in the sun house doing a cross word listening to the birds.
I have worked hard all my life so now is my time. You should be doing exactly the same sit back and enjoy don't feel guilty.

It takes a few years to relax and unwind when you’ve been busy all your life.Dont force it,it will come,give it time.

Well a woman after my own heart here as I feel exactly the same and you can be sure that as soon as I sit down in the daytime (hardly happens) someone comes to my front door and sees me through the window and then I feel more guilty and lazy having been caught!

Dear me how daft is that? My own house after all. But my mother always had us doing something as children and the saying "The Devil finds work for idle hands" has stayed with me but he won't find any for me as always on the go.

I'm the opposite I have to make myself get up and do something if I've been reading, etc. However I have a friend like you. She started by sitting relaxing for an hour in the afternoon then two hours in the evening just before bedtime. She did that for two weeks then extended the afternoon to two hours and the evening to three. She left it at that for a month. Now she is able to choose how long she wants to relax. Sometimes she doesn't relax until 6pm or 7pm for 4 hours. Sometimes she has an hour in the afternoon. In Winter she is now able to relax longer if she doesn't have anything planned. See if you could do this. Or a variation on it.

I used to feel like you. Then I met a friend who I liked and respected. She told me she didn't get out of bed until midday. Light bulb moment. It gave me permission to stop being manic and relax and do nothing if I wanted. Only one life. Live it as you want. Don't feel guilty, nobody cares. X

I totally understand that and despite all the 'permission' and even encouragement from friends and well-wishers, the guilt lodges in your body and it's very hard to let go. Maybe tell yourself you are 'doing something' by resting and recuperating from - whatever. You need to keep up your strength to visit your husband, do the garden and look after the dog. You can't let them down, now, can you! :-)) - so you have to look after the thing that takes care of them, which is you!!

Look up 'Niksen'. It is the Danish art of doing nothing. Niksen promotes well being and peace. You are not doing nothing you are doing Niksen. There is much information online. Doing nothing is doing something!

I try to do chores and errands in the morning and then have the afternoon off. That seems reasonable to me , now well into my eighties. I don't feel guilty at all.

I am the opposite. I have to force myself into action. Knitting and even reading are chores.

I can get things done if it's really necessary.

I have a friend who I admire who claims if she can do one task each day, she has achieved enough.
She claims it's my mantra that she adopted.
Two things a day --- wow!

Sometimes I sits and thinks.
Sometimes I just sits.

Grandma70s
Reading a magazine is enjoyable for many.

I might feel lazy doing nothing but why guilty? Just practice enjoying yourself- CBT and the guilt will go.

It's funny, I always felt guilty reading a book during the day, only read at night before going to sleep. The only occasions I did were when I was on holiday or a rare sunny afternoon in the garden.

However, the more you do it, the less guilty you'll feel!

I do find handicrafts are good, you are doing something you enjoy but it feels useful too.

I am almost a year into my retirement and I'm only just beginning to realise I just have to go with the flow.

I still wish I had time to 'relax' though, but sometimes I just get so flipping tired.

When the milestone comes I may well make plans for my second year and not do any of them!

welshchrissy

Thank you everyone for your kind messages. I think I will try to think does that really need doing before I do a job. I think you may have all succeeded in making me realise that relaxing is also important and I shouldn’t feel guilty . Today is the day I try to change and reprogramme my brain into enjoying and appreciating the time I have to relax.

You could join a group or club.

Then you're doing something but enjoying yourself at the same time.
U3A, WI, TWG etc.

PinkCosmos, I love that poem!

I don't have a problem relaxing; I think my disposition is daydreaming, which general life interrupts.

Although I still work full time, DH is retired at home so does most of the house chores, leaving me lots of time for leisure in the evenings and weekends. I do worry about getting too lazy in retirement, so will have to block out my day to get things done.

Welshchrissy, you will have to block out some time morning and afternoon to stop and smell the roses, so to speak. Sit with your morning tea in the garden or lounge, grab a book or some knitting or listen to a radio or podcast. If you block in the time, you will eventually look forward to it, and enjoy the process of slowing down.

That, or you could come over to mine and I could keep you busy for a while!

I empathise with you. I feel just the same and find it so hard to have me time and not feel guilty. Same age as you, pretty similar life. My husband died with Alzheimers eight months ago. We'd just had our 50th anniversary, not that he knew it. Recent years have been so tough looking after him. I should now accept I deserve to be 'free" and relax. If only!

Mark Twain famously said”Sometimes I just sits and thinks and sometimes I just sits!” We need to do that to recharge our batteries. You need a balance between working and playing. Do the chores then relax and play - reading tv craft garden or NOTHING!

Oh goodness, I don’t feel guilty at all. Finding this hard to understand. When young I was on the go all the time helping our corrupt politicians make money out of me. In my late fifties I was running a boarding Cattery, hard physical work in a hot country whilst working as a speed typist at a newspaper and writing a cat blog for another newspaper.
All behind me and now I relax, relax and relax and enjoy my free time clearing 40 years of accumulated stuff on eBay to leave our son money instead of junk.