Step son trashing me with family over babysitting

Ignore the gossip, my dear. Calmly tell cowardly husband what you think, but don't fight. It isn't worth your energy. You are working hard and you must look after YOU. The time comes in life to ignore what others say and think, especially when they do not contribute to our wellbeing. Put yourself and your wishes firmly in first place.

I plan to move nearer my DS and DiL, though for varied reasons I haven't acheived that yet. However I have made it clear I wouldn't offer regular childcare but would help in emergencies. I did my first stint of childcare this year as the 3 year old's nursery was closed for the week before Easter and DiL is a curate so had to work and DS was working for 3 of the days out of town. I had to travel 200 miles and stay with them to do that, but was happy to do it as I had some one to one time with my GS. It was never assumed that I would do it and if I'd said no I'm sure there would have been no pressure, though it wouldn't have been easy for them.

The important thing is to make clear what you are comfortable with and that there is respect all round. If my GD had needed care as well I'd have struggled, though would have still given it a go, but thankfully she was still able to go to her childminder.

Living so far away I was happy to be a bit inconvenienced for the opportunity to build my relationship with my GS, but there isn't an assumption that I will always be on call.
Unfortunately it is difficult to lay ground rules once things have gone a bit wrong. I'm glad I did it in advance so there is no automatic expectation. The other GPs live a similar distance away but they also help if they can. We all get on well so there is no muttering behind the scenes - as far as I'm aware!

You are definitely not to blame in any way here.

In my book, no parents, whether related to us or not, are entitled to assume that we want to baby-sit either during the day or at night.

If we want to baby-sit we will offer, if not, we won't. We have had our children and brought them up. However fond we are of our grandchildren, only very few of us actually dared ask our children to have children!

People have children either because they wanted them, or because they were too lazy or incompetent to use contraception!

These days, it seems young parents assume their parents will happily look after grandchildren at the drop of a hat.

We made no such assumption, but paid a girl to baby-sit if we wanted to go out, and my parents would probably not have dared ask my grandmothers to baby-sit us!

If your relations by marriage insist on "talking to you" after hearing your step-son's complaints, explain quietly that there are two sides to this story. Yours is, that you at 65 are still working full-time and that you therefore neither wish to, nor are able to baby-sit. If they persist, tell them to mind their own business, or offer to look after the weans themselves!

Repeat back to him what he said to you. "you take care of your house, I'll take care of mine."

agree with the others above.
remember, you are responsible for what you do and say; that's all. and enough to be getting on with !
you are not responsible for what anyone else does or says.
there is a freedom in recognising that.
don't get drawn in to discussions and justifications.
as they say over on MN, no is a complete sentence.
i can also recommend you have a look on youtube at dr les carter, he is also a texan, and gives warm advice on how to deal with difficult people.
take care and all the best.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=EkEzG1qO5Fs

In his words: you handle your house and I'll handle mine.

Therefore his kids, his responsibility. End of.

You work 2 jobs and are shattered. He hardly works! He needs to find a private baby sitter and pay for it, not you.

Again it's his kids therefore his responsibility. He needs to grow up and act as a responsible adult.

Good luck!

If they want to bad mouth you, let them.

You can’t change what they do, what they say how they feel for how much they trash you.

But what you can change is how are you decide to react to it. Behaviour that is rewarded rewarded will be repeated. If you keep hosting generous meals for them and their response is to trash you, why would you reward that kind of behaviour? Stop inviting them. Why put yourself in the firing line. with regard to babysitting the children as you’ve already said you’re working two jobs. And you don’t particularly want to babysit the children. I agree with you I wouldn’t want to either.

You have choices. The ball is in your court!

I feel for you. And so much emotion on this topic. I find it hard to say no it's how I am I like to feel useful
But learning the odd 'oh dear I'm seeing friend whatever' is good Make sure you follow through in head at least. I say Iv got ukelele 😊. Maybe, Try showing willing and do it then taper a bit When on good footing try saying I'm a bit upset inside that someone has ring end of stick, how can that be. Hard to keep emotion out. I practice tine 🤣🤣. Best wishes.

Practice the tone of voice to sound cool 😊
'Wrong end of stick'. Sorry Iv got fat fingers.
Suppose at end of day it can help to rise above to keep a good level going but no harm in mentioning your feelings quietly I do it when I'm busying so it sounds casual but does give then room for thought !
Turning the table 👍🏼

Make sure his father is present and ask him why he tells people he feels it is you who should babysit, since you are already busy with two jobs and not getting any younger. This thing needs to be out in public, not top-secret stuff played out behind your back.

I have a similar situation in that my "step" daughter (we never married) tells me I should step up and make an effort with the grand chldren and 5 great grand children. She is one of five and I don't think any of them realise just how ill their father is. Their father has never bothered sending cards or presents to grand children or even children for that matter, and I have given up. We have barely met any of them, as they live about two hours drive away. I am 79; I am the only one taking care of their father, and I am not well myself. My partner is 82. I have just ignored her demand to send a card to one of the grand children. We don't live near shops and the only cards I send are electronic ones; of course, I don't have their addresses. I have had a dreadful time with my partner and he can suddenly turn aggressive without warning, but for the last few months he has been in and out of hospital. No-one seems to care. I have seen gossip about me - so far from the truth. It would be libel if it was put on social media but it was just an email. I was furious at the time, but have pretty much forgotten it now. I just don't know how the story came about. It's annoying but we just have to have faith in ourselves that we are doing the best we can. Just because we look as if we could take on extra responsibilities when we are too old to work doesn't mean we can. Just be true to yourself.

You moved to be near your step son and when you asked for help he made it clear that no help from him would be forthcoming .

And yet , you are expected to babysit as he pleases .

You have done your best to honour his wishes as regard child care and no matter what you do - he's badmouthing to whoever will listen .
Your step son is a user and has no respect for you .

It's time to stop offering all help .
If challenged tell him and the rest of the family how you feel .

Sadly , you risk possibly not being allowed to see your grandchildren in the future .

Wishing you well .

I will let them gossip or talk, feel ill about me to their hearts ' content. At almost 68, their words and feelings mean nothing to me. Once, a relative I have been supporting financially, abused me verbally and all I said to him was Thank you. He came round begging for forgiveness. The support of course ceased.

My stepmum came on the scene when I was 15. My children came alone when I was 31 and 33. My stepmum told me straight away that she didn't do babysitting (she'd said the same to her two sons) unless it was a special occasion. She only babysat for us once and I didn't ask her more than that. She'd made herself clear and I respected that.

Why don’t you suggest to hubby that if he is not prepared to sort this out or do the babysitting himself, you will have to give up work. Wonder what he wd say to that.

Youhere our adult children just use us, laugh at us but want our support and money live your own life let them finance themselves

I’m sorry this is making you so miserable.
I think you’re being expected too much of. What does your DH have to say about it all? If I was in your position, I’d ignore the gossiping and just leave them to it. No more hosting or days out. If your DH doesn’t have any input why should you?