Does anybody have literally nobody?

At the care home where I volunteer there are a lot of people who are on their own. Either no family or they are abroad and their friends are no longer fit enough to visit. I was very struck yesterday, looking round the group which I was running, at how happy they all seemed. There was joking and carrying on and they all seemed to be genuinely enjoying each others' company. There's lots going on for the Christmas period. One very elderly man said, 'I'd no idea it could be like this.' He'd been living on his own for years. He now wants to be woken early as he doesn't want to miss anything.

That's reassuring to hear.

pascal30

petra

Fleurpepper

Of course, for the very elderly, this can be true.

However, and wihout sounding harsh or unsympathetic- having no-one must have an element of choice. Even if you have no sibblings or children, no family left- if you hve no friends or acquaintances you can rely on (and vice versa)- then it has to be because you have chosen to take yourself out of the world, somehow.

You might view that comment as not harsh or unsympathetic but some people just might.

I can see the point you are making Petra but I think that what Fleurpepper is saying actually might be true.. Perhaps the OP is just trying too hard and is needy.. it could be worth trying activities simply because you enjoy them., without having the agenda of trying to make friends.. I agree with posters who suggest activities such as art, crafts or singing where everyone is concentrating on the skills involved.. I think it takes a lot of time when older to gradually build up friendships.. I also think it might be worth seeing your GP to assess if you are depressed.. Don't give up.. everyone has value..

It’s obvious to a blind man that the OP is in a bad place at this time.
We have no idea what brought her to this. So reading that it could be of her own making could tip her right over the edge.

How can you try too hard when there is nobody there to try with?
If you have little to no human contact, its impossible to try too hard.

Hello 'Stayanotherday'. I can relate to your situation as I have often felt deemed to be lonely through my life. I now live in a very unfriendly neighbourhood. Have you looked into U3A (u3a is a UK-wide movement of locally-run interest groups that provide a wide range of opportunities to come together to learn for fun. Members explore new ideas, skills and activities together.) Also 'Meetups'. There are groups of every interest from cinema, gardening, lunching, art, walking etc. They are in most towns and meet once a month. They may have a group in your area.

Hello all,

Thanks very much for your overwhelmingly kind advice and messages. Very kind of those of you reaching out and being there for others on their own. You might be the only positive in their lives and mean a lot to them. Sorry so many are in the same position and hope you find a way out or make peace with the situation. Glad for those who have and found solace. So glad we have Gransnet.

To answer:

The coastal park is really nice to walk and glad to hear of one outsider who's made some friends. Burry Port is more upmarket. To be fair not everybody is unkind with substance abuse problems, but it is generally very insular and hard to please anybody as they complain about the town, but won't give anybody decent a chance. I've seen so many times where outsiders like some of my former colleagues who were good hardworking people give up and move away. It then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm Welsh but have a different accent which sets me apart. I don't even say "hello" to the neighbours as it gets ignored. It's too late now and I'm looking to move far away. There's nothing here for me and I'd rather be alone somewhere else potentially nicer with better opportunities.

Therapy might be worth another try. Have started looking for a different one. You have to do the work and it's unethical of them to tell you what to do, but the two therapists were nice but reading from a script. No input which was a shame.

To those unwell, hope you're better soon as being ill sounds horrible, even worse when you're on you're own. We live in a transient world where people move and don't bother with a community where they have no roots.

No pets as I work and travel so it wouldn't be fair. Glad for those who have hobbies and have been accepted, even if it takes time. No problem helping out but am only good enough for that or being used, but not for friendship or better.

Books, travel, films, exhibitions, swimming and studying are the go-to's. There's so much to enjoy and when you're on your own, time to do them. I was a needy people pleaser to be fair chasing people until a few years ago, but then joined groups for the activity with the bonus being making friends. People don't want friends or only again, where it's one-sided. I did try and stay in touch but you can only ask a few times before getting the message. It was circumstances but now a choice, and a very hard one to withdraw a bit as you can only take so much after making many efforts.

It's sad to see those who don't bother have others and you wonder why they don't care about you.

Fostering is a very good idea and have contacted the council. Joined Reddit and a dating site. Nothing left to lose!

For those who haven't hope you consider leaving a will to charity if nothing else, as we've worked hard and paid our dues. Your estate could end up in the wrong hands.

Looking Fabulous Forever is a great site, thanks! There's no Meetup here or in Swansea. Looking for a counselling course for a career change. It sounds interesting. It's good to hear of others making friends later on.

Sorry to moan when some of you are unable to go out and about, especially Juniewoonie. Can't imagine what that's like for you.

Thanks so much and please feel free to chat and share on here. The kind support is much appreciated and might help others.

to you all.

stayanotherday you have us. Love, hugs, tea, love more hugs, blessings, stay in touch please.

An awful lot of what you say resonates with me stayanotherday An activity is good and if there is a little germ of a friendship, that's a bonus.

Thoughts like " Why hasn't X replied to my message?" or " Why has Y avoided my invitation for coffee?" sort of gather their own momentum and become a problem. Before you know it, you are giving off the very thing you least wish ie distance, fearfulness,avoidance.

@Macadia We all have each other and sending hugs and tea back! Thanks very much.

@Jeanathome Yes as it's good to keep occupied regardless. To be blunt, I find most people don't think about or are lackadaisical with friendships. Fair enough life gets in the way sometimes but when it's constantly one-sided, no message is a message. Then behaviour generally breeds behaviour and you lose interest or become too hurt to keep reaching out when you know how the story ends.

I'm really glad you are seriously thinking of moving Stayanotherday.. sometimes that's all that's needed in order to flourish.. a bit like plants being in the wrong soil...

Hi
This may help you, it the link for U3A in Llanelli.
llanelli.u3asite.uk/groups/

Also if you aren't too concerned about inheritance, maybe worth looking at Homewise for help with raising money to move to a better area. (No, I'm not connected with them!)

stayanotherday what a difference! Your I usual post was so sad and downbeat, but now you're sounding as if you're bouncing back up. Wonderful!!

I live alone (apart from three cats) and although I have an adopted sister and a half brother - I hear from them maybe twice a year by text or phone. I have a Cousin who keeps in touch and who is the only person to visit me (despite the fact that she lives in Birmingham currently - while I live in the North East).
I Volunteer at a Community hub twice weekly, and speak to people in dire circumstances. It does make you realise that there are always people who are worse off than yourself!
I’m 77 and not in very good health. I do sometimes worry that I might pass away and no one would notice - at least for a while!
I go to Church on Sundays - but have been ill before without anyone contacting me (until I recovered, and resumed attendance).
I’d like to be around a while longer, so do what I can to remain cheerful and reasonably healthy (as much as possible).
I must update my Will soon and Register my Cats with Cat Guardians (a scheme run by Cats Protection).
I have a Funeral Plan in place and try to save a little for emergencies. I guess we all do what we can to live as well as possible in our individual circumstances.

stayanotherday

Hello all,

Thanks very much for your overwhelmingly kind advice and messages. Very kind of those of you reaching out and being there for others on their own. You might be the only positive in their lives and mean a lot to them. Sorry so many are in the same position and hope you find a way out or make peace with the situation. Glad for those who have and found solace. So glad we have Gransnet.

To answer:

The coastal park is really nice to walk and glad to hear of one outsider who's made some friends. Burry Port is more upmarket. To be fair not everybody is unkind with substance abuse problems, but it is generally very insular and hard to please anybody as they complain about the town, but won't give anybody decent a chance. I've seen so many times where outsiders like some of my former colleagues who were good hardworking people give up and move away. It then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm Welsh but have a different accent which sets me apart. I don't even say "hello" to the neighbours as it gets ignored. It's too late now and I'm looking to move far away. There's nothing here for me and I'd rather be alone somewhere else potentially nicer with better opportunities.

Therapy might be worth another try. Have started looking for a different one. You have to do the work and it's unethical of them to tell you what to do, but the two therapists were nice but reading from a script. No input which was a shame.

To those unwell, hope you're better soon as being ill sounds horrible, even worse when you're on you're own. We live in a transient world where people move and don't bother with a community where they have no roots.

No pets as I work and travel so it wouldn't be fair. Glad for those who have hobbies and have been accepted, even if it takes time. No problem helping out but am only good enough for that or being used, but not for friendship or better.

Books, travel, films, exhibitions, swimming and studying are the go-to's. There's so much to enjoy and when you're on your own, time to do them. I was a needy people pleaser to be fair chasing people until a few years ago, but then joined groups for the activity with the bonus being making friends. People don't want friends or only again, where it's one-sided. I did try and stay in touch but you can only ask a few times before getting the message. It was circumstances but now a choice, and a very hard one to withdraw a bit as you can only take so much after making many efforts.

It's sad to see those who don't bother have others and you wonder why they don't care about you.

Fostering is a very good idea and have contacted the council. Joined Reddit and a dating site. Nothing left to lose!

For those who haven't hope you consider leaving a will to charity if nothing else, as we've worked hard and paid our dues. Your estate could end up in the wrong hands.

Our local indie cinema has screenings after which people get together and discuss the film. But we are lucky having such a great cinema. When I was newly divorced I remember writing a list of problems to solve and, from memory it was mainly holidays, cinema and theatre trips. I joined a singles group which worked well till I was thrown out ( it’s a long story…). In later life I haven’t got on very well with U3A. I joined one group to learn a particular subject but they were very cliquey and didn’t seem to discuss the topic, just chatted amongst themselves and largely ignored me . Being someone who does struggle with socialising I make a real effort to include anyone who seems to be left out, so it disappoints me when other people don’t do the same.

Thanks very much for the overwhelming supportive and kind messages which restores faith in human nature, it really does. Hope this thread helps others to share experiences and find advice as there's always somebody worse off. We do what we can!

Thanks very much for the sensible and kind suggestions that are duly noted. Grandad researched the family tree and I have the documents so will look into any distant relatives. Thanks.

Did a mental health course in work today with a certificate that's something currently useful to help colleagues and for the CV. Spoke to a very helpful Careers Advisor after work about information on other courses and funding as most adult education in Wales is heavily funded.

Looking for jobs in other areas. Applied for a job in England that's better paid and might lead to a move. Agree the environment here is unsuitable and the world is a big place. Being on your own is you have no ties and can go anywhere within reason! It doesn't have to be permanent but gets you out of a difficult situation.

The UA3 looks brilliant, thanks. A shame they're during the day when I'm working and Homewise is for older people but this is still useful as they might help other people on GN.

Shame groups don't check on their attendees who have few people, or nobody and groups who are unfriendly. When the established members leave for various reasons, the group ceases.

For anybody nearby this cinema outside Llanelli is cheaply run by amazing volunteers:

crosshandshallandcinema.co.uk/

They don't need any more volunteers but a pleasant way to spend an evening

I stopped going to the cinema during the pandemic and am still avoiding crowded places. But I was just thinking tonight how I miss going to the cinema more than anything else. Used to go each week, sometimes twice and I’d often take the bus into town to see an afternoon performance.

If you have chronic illness, people soon disappear. I had a counsellor from a large chronic illness based charity tell me I can’t be asking right if I have no body to help or take me out.

I find also, people who say this kind of thing, wouldn’t help or socialise other with chronically ill or lonely people, so try to project it onto others.

Sorry! Let’s not victim blame please?

Nobody chooses illness be it mental or physical.The world moves on very quickly and it takes mental resilience to keep plugging away.

Groups? Mmmm, tricky. They have their own momentum and require energy to push through.

It's a situation someone has to be in, before they realise the impact of having nobody.

Best wishes for the job application.
There are a lot of people who feel lonely and isolated exacerbated for various reasons.
Covid. Online shopping.Smaller families. Globalisation. Cutting off landlines. Women working more.
We must unite to fight it!

Well done stayanotherday! You've really grasped the nettle. Good luck with the job application.

What is this book? Spooky stories read out on a radio station. Possibly 📻 Nottingham

Although I have family and children that I am in touch with and meet up with occasionally throughout the year, your post has some resonance with me. Our children live a couple of hours travel away in the same county. We do meet up a few times a year, but we are not on the phone or message each other constantly, due to work, school etc and though we are retired we are as busy as everyone else. My worry is if either my husband or I was left alone would anyone realise if the other was struggling with health, or even die alone. I was thinking that if one of us was to die, the surviving person should just message a family member at an arranged time a few times a week so the family would just know that everything was still ok. I wonder if a similar arrangement could be set up with people who are not related, to set up small local groups just for tgis purpose?

It's an idea, but you could take it to the next level by having a little chat, too, maybe?