Embarrassed over my life at nearly 40.

LilacRain you have nothing to be ashamed off. You work whilst having health problems. From what others have posted London is a very expensive place to live . Age has nothing to do with you living at home . It's down to over priced accommodation. You are being independent in living at home with your parents doing your own cooking etc.

Can you talk to your dad privately about getting your mom seen by a GP as by what you have said she's needs to be seen and tests run to find out what her health problems are.

With your own health problems could you afford to live independently away from London . Where you could afford to either rent or buy a place of your own ? I know it would be an upheaval but you are a young woman who needs to live your life to the full. It's doesn't mean you are abandoning your parents . As parents we bring our children up to adulthood and we have to let them fly and find their own lives .

Have you looked outside of London at places you would like to live independently and get work ?
But never feel ashamed of still being at home.you have nothing to be ashamed of .

I agree with all previous posts and think you should chat to your sisters though. Use this time at home to do things that give you happiness, stop over worrying about the future, think of now and keep of that other forum. I think a lot of us think other peoples lives are so much more sorted than are own, the truth is we don't know. I have been married, had children and still am lonely a lot. You are fine as you are.

LilacRain Have you considered whether you might be suffering from depression? It would be very understandable in your situation. I am sure, unlike your mother, you are receiving medical care. Next time you see your doctor, tell him how down and despairing you are feeling and he will be able to refer you to counsellors who can help you recover.

Please don’t be ashamed. It is circumstance that has forced you into your situation, not some inherent character flaw!
There are plenty of people around
your age and older who still live with their parents and it’s getting more and more common due to property prices and the cost of renting. You sound like a good person with a lot to offer so I’d suggest making the most of what you have and finding out what brings you contentment and then focusing on that.

I feel for you Lilacrain.

On a practical level does your local council offer an assisted deposit for private renting, it may be worth checking as I helped my grandaughter look into this when she was looking to move out ( she lived with me)

Are you getting the benefits you need such as PIP, which would entitle you to help with your rent and council tax with help from universal credit to top you up.

You wouldnt be rolling in money but you would be independant.

It may help to look away from London and maybe try one of the outside London councils.

I wish you luck, and I know you feel life is passing you by, but you are still young enough to have courage to try.

Good luck

It's the dread which is beginning to paralyse you it seems lilacrain but you could use it instead as a motivator to attempt to change your own future.

Lots of good suggestions on here.
A friend's son has just moved out from the parental home to his first own place. He's about your age.

Good luck to you. A lot of sympathy too. It sounds really hard.

My savings are too high and I am not 'bad' enough for PIP.
I admit, I do envy my sisters. I know comparison is the thief of joy by undoubtedly, their lives are very easy as they are healthy and supported financially by their partners while having nice homes of their own.
When I was a kid, all the older family members worried about my aunt who was in my exact position, except she was healthy and could afford to move out. I hate the thought of my parents and siblings doing the same to me. One of my sisters really looks down on me. Of course she is aware of my health issues but makes snide comments about low earners and is very belittling. I am dreading Christmas and being around them all to be honest. My mum stopped working at 48 and my sisters will likely do the same.
I feel I have nobody to speak to or anyone who will listen so I have posting here helpful. I don't have an older female figure in my life to confide in so I feel I have made the right decision posting here.

You don't say what sort of work you do, but could you move to another job away from London where you could afford to rent a small flat? Or try to work in a residential job maybe as a volunteer. This would give you the chance to experience life as an independent person and more importantly to see if it suits you...

Looking back at your post it says "nearly" 40 . It is very common for us to have this kind of "mid life crisis" when a big decade birthday is approaching - especially 40. But if you rationalize that that is what it is then it helps. I was single and unfit at 40 as well but I didn't feel my age and joined new things. And was pleased that I didn't look my age either. When I turned 50 it was a huge celebration! It seemed completely different - it was yay I'm still alive. And yay I don't look 50. And it was a time I got in contact with a lot of old school friends also turning 50 and we had a bit of a reunion.

When things get grungy in life, I think it helps to renew contact with old friends from your younger days - it reminds you of the person you were as a teenager - you are still that same person. So remember all your cool, fun qualities as a teenager - it's a bit of a sort of "finding yourself" as well.

Counselling can sometimes help as well. Feel positive about yourself and remember who you are and everything will fall into place. I think it's time you had a good holiday by the sound of it. Have you thought about doing a kind of "back packing" holiday? Without the backpack (a suitcase on wheels is easier), staying in youth hostels. I did that in my forties and it was great - there are people of all ages staying in youth hostels. I met one lady travelling the world in her 80s.

The reason I mention that is - after some travel your perspective changes, you have ideas - and things fall into place.

Also believe me - married people envy single people and vice versa.

gentleshores

Also believe me - married people envy single people and vice versa.

Not necessarily.

M0nica

gentleshores

Also believe me - married people envy single people and vice versa.

Not necessarily.

I don't...

PIP is not means tested, so any savings you have will not exclude you from getting PIP.

Did you get help and advice in applying for PIP. Like a lot of Benefits, advice from a disability rights body can do much to help people qualify it, by understanding what language to know to describe their problems and how to know which physical problems they have. I was for many years a benefits advisor for older people and there was a real skill in knowing how to complete Attendance Allowance forms, for example.

gentleshores I was widowed when I was 45 . I don't envy married people and do not consider myself single . I am still married to me. No idea why you would think that . And it doesn't help LilacRain.

She mentioned envying her married sisters. I think at 40 that may be the case.

I mean her sisters may envy her not being married. Agree it was rather a generalisation and I didn't factor widowhood into it. Not all marriages are happy though.

Really you are too much in your own company, get out join a group,book club, walking group,something the longer you dwell in yhese thoughts the harder it will be to change them, 40 is young,you can study online ,find something your good at, your parents are relatively young still, they may want you to branch out, don't assume, get your hat and coat on and go for a walk in the Park, nature heals,

Also it's very hard to get PIP - you either need to have severe mobility issues or need help at home - the OP said she was "not bad enough" to be eligible for PIP.

Please don't feel ashamed or embarassed by your home situation. I do, however, understand the feelings of panic as you look at what could be your future. Are your two sisters approachable? Would you be able to chat with them about your fears, maybe a 'mass' approach to encourage your Mother to go to the GP, she is being unfair and unreasonable by refusing to take responsibility for her own health.

I am not envious of my sisters for being married. I do envy their easy lives however.
Yes, PIP is extremely hard to get especially as I work and have times when my symptoms are lessened.
I am too much in my own company but difficult when most of my peers are busy with kids and family. I spend a lot of time alone doing things which I like in some ways but not in others.

If you have high savings, can you use some of the savings to convert the garage or an outbuilding in your parent’s house into a bedroom with shower room to give you that separate independent living you are looking for? How about a garden room at the bottom of the garden?

I am the same age as your parents, it will another 15 to 20 years before your parents need any caring.

Maybe start doing things with other people, Lilacrain? Could you manage yoga or Pilates groups? Or a swimming class? A book group? Start saying yes to anything anyone invites you to! If something turns out to be a disaster - well, you never have to do it again.

LilacRain

I still live at home for a start. I'm near London and single.
I work but have two autoimmune diseases which means I struggle to work full time. I got both diseases in my thirties within 2 years of each other and got made redundant from a job I loved during covid.
All my peers have moved out with their partners.
I feel so ashamed of myself and when I go on other forums and the discussion comes up about adults living at home, I feel myself burn with shame.
I am saving hard and am a good person but I feel so embarrassed at how I have ended up here at 40.
My parents don't seem to want me to move which also worries me as I think they are looking at me to be a carer to them which makes me panic massively. They had me at 23 so are still in their sixties but I worry my mum already has dementia and other health issues which she refuses to treat (keeps falling, often dizzy and clammy etc) . I feel very alone so thought I would post here.

I am so sorry you feel this way, and hope you can soon resolve some of your issues.
I totally agree with MOnica’s reply, so do make sure to read it. She always gives good advice and I certainly can’t think of anything to add to it.
Hugs

LilacRain Two pages of help, sympathy and advice, but you seem to have made no response to the many suggestions for help. In most of your posts you simply justify why your life is as it is and can't be changed. No response to those who tell you that your sense of shame and embarrassment is unjustified.

I, like everyone here has a lot of sympathy for your situation, but why come and ask for helpful suggestions and then ignore them? You seem to have convinced yourself that nothing can be done, so nothing is happening.