Why be lonely?

BlueBelle

Do you know Nana8 retirement villages would be my worst nightmare the idea of living with all old people (not me of course) sends shivers down my spine

They are pretty flashy round here. You have your own house and garden, all mod cons and a big shared restaurant and meeting facility which has hairdressers, a gymnasium, doctor surgery, swimming pool and there are bowling greens too. They don’t do things by halves! They don’t charge by halves,either. Typically now around a million to buy into then $1,000 plus monthly maintenance fee. I wouldn’t like it, either because you are with a couple of hundred people who you may or may not get on with and you leave your own children with a very reduced amount of money.

Going into the winter of your life does naturally involve detachment as we become more introspective. Outsiders could call it loneliness but the wise do not see it like that. It is a natural withdrawal from busy society as we near our own end. Contentment will descend if we let it

mae13

Some years ago I was invited/press-ganged by a newish neighbour to attend their New Years Day lunch, "because all your relatives are dead, love."

What was I thinking? They talked extra loud and slowly, talked round me ie: "d'you think she wants a little more wine ?" and the grand finalè was when the hostess lunged across and began cutting up my food! I think I just about avoided being spoon-fed.

Nope, being alone is far, far preferable to risking that kind of Social Experiment!!!

I hope they had put an incontinence pad on your chair and asked if your carer wanted to come! How awful but it did make me laugh.

kircubbin2000

Discussion around the table today about all the people spending the day on their own and perhaps not speaking to anyone all week.
I said I am often on that position as I rarely see my neighbours .
Son in law argued that it was up to those people to go out and get involved or invite someone in. He couldn't see why someone would not do that or want strangers in their house.

I'm not alone as DH is still alive BUT still lonely at times
I moved to a different area when we met (2 hour drive from where I used to live). My AC and GC are a plane ride away
Before moving here I had so many friends, some days I'm ashamed to say I would lock front door and pretend I wasn't home to get some "me time". When my first husband died I had so much from the villagers, even though I'd only lived there 4 years
I've now lived here coming up 10 years and have no friends at all. Neighbours speak if we pass in the street and helped when she'd roof blew off in recent storm.
My husband's family are very religious and don't drink and find it odd I'm not a church goer and I like a glass of wine with a meal.
I joined groups when I moved here and met few ladies for coffee after groups but it never really went further.
Most are busy with family and friends they have had since school days.
I've accepted it now, more than happy with my own company, my little dog, books, music, gardening, work part time, keep in touch with old friends and visit occasionally
I do think people have changed since covid, sadly

It does tend to annoy me when someone says lonely people should just out and about. It isn't that easy. I admit to being lonely and over the years I have joined many clubs and groups but as I didn't have children found that conversations always centred around children and grandchildren. Now I am happy to admire photos and listen to the achievements of children and grandchildren but eventually I always found myself sitting on the edge of the group being ignored.

Oh Mael13, that is just the sort of situation I dread, no one likes to be patronised. That is why I don't take up invitations from well meaning neighbours

You can be alone but not lonely.

I like my own company and can manage perfectly well on my own. Loneliness is not a problem, never has been.

mael3, please say you were joking about the hostess cutting up your food, that's horrific!

I know of nobody who would behave like that, 🙄

Actually I find the days from now to around 5 January the loneliest as the groups I belong to do not meet until 6 January onwards. Also I have no way of knowing whether friends are away visiting or hosting relatives over this time.
I have a To Do list of sorting and no excuse for not getting it done!

Dickens - I love that phrase. It's a gem ! "you can be alone but not lonely and lonely when you're not alone" that's me to a T!!

Your SIL is probably much younger, male, employed and obviously married.. not really surprising he will have views like this Kirkcubbin.

I probably thought similarly 30 years ago.. It is certainly not easy to make new friends especially if one moves in later life.
and you certainly can't make old friends..

I spent Christmas alone, by choice, I was invited across the country by an old friend but decided I would prefer to stay in my comfortable home with a few treats and books. I didn't feel lonely just content.. I suppose it really boils down to choice.. if we crave to be with other people it might feel like loneliness..

I felt more lonely when married to my ex. Now I can choose if I want to invite friends or just enjoy the company of my two dogs

I remember once being told off by my Gran for commenting that her neighbours were always popping, one lady in particular came at lunch time, so gran set a place for at the table. My Gran pointed out they were all widows, whose families lived far away or didn’t make the effort to visit them, and were most likely lonely, and that we should never make them feel like a nuisance. My Gran felt very lucky that her family were glad to spend time with her and therefore we had to look upon these ladies as extended family.

I think it depends where you live, we're on a very friendly estate and know many people by sight although remembering names is always a stretch. It would be easy to get into conversation with one of them and invite them in for a cup of tea or coffee. Very different if you live in a more isolated place though, or where local people are more standoffish.
If you make an effort to smile at people you often get a response, I think that looking friendly makes you more approachable and you are viewed in a more positive way. I've certainly found that this works at the school gates when I take my GC to school in the morning.
I'm one of the strange people who smiles at older people on buses and (shock, horror) often gets into conversation with them. I read recently that this can make a lonely person feel better about themselves all day. A friendly interaction makes me feel good too.

Cateq

I remember once being told off by my Gran for commenting that her neighbours were always popping, one lady in particular came at lunch time, so gran set a place for at the table. My Gran pointed out they were all widows, whose families lived far away or didn’t make the effort to visit them, and were most likely lonely, and that we should never make them feel like a nuisance. My Gran felt very lucky that her family were glad to spend time with her and therefore we had to look upon these ladies as extended family.

It sounds like your gran was a lovely person, Cateq. ☺

mae13 I do understand how belittling the actions of the hosts must have felt. I must confess though I did laugh at it all!

Oh 'Dickens'
I know exactly that feeling in a room full of people and feeling lonely. Sometimes I'm fine and other times I just don't seem to fit in anymore since my husband died. I'm in an adults only hotel in Spain very few solo people and so far I've only spoke pleasantries to a few people. I really don't fit in here! Just glad my grown grandson is coming out tomorrow for some company. I'm even forgoing the gala New Year Dinner as the Xmas one was bad enough. I'd rather just go to a bar and have a few drinks. Expensive lesson learnt..

stayanotherday

It's very hard for many to just socialise these days unless they're in a friendly area with friendly groups.

Some people are shy, socially awkward or have been let down. I couldn't ask my neighbours around due to being in an unfriendly rundown area with high substance abuse and anti-social problems. My colleagues are pleasant without issues but are in work to work. Relatives never wanted me. I joined clubs or groups that didn't want friends or weren't welcoming to newcomers.

It's hard to be motivated after so many disappointments.

Your post could have been written by me except for the neighbours bit, mine are all ok including a retired vicar, but although they know I am alone, they never show any interest in me. They are pleasant all year when I see them outside, but they have their own families and do not bother with lonely older people. So I spend Christmas on my own, often in tears remembering better times.

kircubbin2000

Discussion around the table today about all the people spending the day on their own and perhaps not speaking to anyone all week.
I said I am often on that position as I rarely see my neighbours .
Son in law argued that it was up to those people to go out and get involved or invite someone in. He couldn't see why someone would not do that or want strangers in their house.

Your son-in-law may feel differently if all his family and friends die before he does. It is not easy to find new friends as you get older, you cannot expect people to know that you are indoors sobbing because you have no one.

That's just awful to hear.
I'm really sorry to read this.

You can actually invite perfect strangers, but if you live alone and perhaps especially if you are a woman, it may well be wiser not to!

You can put your name down with the Red Cross and other organisations stating your willingness to open your home to other lonely people at Christmas.

You can look into clubs, book clubs, political organisations, volunteering etc to try and widen your circle of friends or find new interests, so I do tend to agree with the son-in-law who feels no-one needs to be lonely, although I suspect that he has not reached the age where it becomes difficult either to find activities that suit you, or simply to get out and about.

Oh RVKICR, so sorry to read this…..my neighbours are very nice but have their own busy lives.We have to get out,we have to make the effort.I don’t want to but if I don’t,I just get more depressed. Had a stroke on a couple of weeks ago so I can’t drive at the moment…that is so inconvenient,I can’t nip here and there.Roll on January 7th…

I agree with Ziggy that people have changed since the pandemic. I also think some older people are quite content with the friends they already have and really not interested in making new ones. Recently a close friend of mine died and 2 other good friends moved away so I am adjusting to that. My son and I were only saying today that nowadays people will regularly attend an exercise class for example but they are unlikely to want socialize outside the class.