Bereavement Support Group....any thoughts?

The down side can be maybe, if you feel low, you are surrounding yourself with more of the same.

Personally I find a trained and registered therapist to be invaluable. I do observe some people who are so wrapped up in their loss, they have no wish to hear any other narrative.

Thankfully I have not needed such a group. There is one in the next village and I have always imagined people sitting around talking about their grief each time and making things even worse for everyone, rather than trying to move forwards and come to terms with a new normal.

There are no in person groups near me but I joined an online forum last year after my husband died. People there said how much they support each other but really most seemed too engulfed by their own grief. I didn't find it helpful at all and personally I think distraction is more help.
I have good friends and have made a conscious effort to go out and do things each day. I don't know whether counselling helps as I have not tried it but nothing will change the situation, will it?

win

Baggs

Since DD died just over a year ago I have found that "doing" is the best approach for me. Keeping busy doing things, either connected to the dead person's life in some way or not, has served me best. I think it is the distraction factor that I have found most useful, particularly learning new skills, both practical ones and mental ones. I guess my approach has been, and continues to be, to take on things that challenge me.

I believe DD's partner has used the same approach.

It is not total distraction of course but having to concentrate on things has definitely been helpful. I suppose, at a stretch, one could call it occupational therapy though I hadn't thought of it that way until just now.

As my mother-in-law said when her son, my b-i-l, died at a similar age to DD: "You just have to get on with it." She is still alive. It cannot be very common nowadays to lose both a child and a grandchild, especially considering they were both very healthy people up until their final illness.

Much more common than you are insinuating sadly, We have several in our group and my own mother sadly lost her son and my son

Loss of a child and a grandchild is indeed a grave and sad thing and I'm sorry your family – and others that you know of – have experienced this.

My reference to "nowadays" was with respect to several generations ago when the proportion of deaths among babies and young children was much higher than it is today. Back then it must have been tragically common, relatively speaking, for parents and grandparents to lose younger members of their families. You only have to look at nineteenth century gravestones to see that.

At that time too most people did not live to what are now common old ages.

There was no insinuation about anything.

We lost our two year old son years ago. I went to s bereavement support group. I even created and edited s newsletter. My husband did not go but he supported me.

We all grieve differently.

glasshalffullagain - sorry to hear your bereavement group is not doing much to help you process your grief. But maybe if you accept that bereavement group therapy is not intended to take away the pain of loss you might find the group more useful. Dealing with the loss of a loved one demands dealing also with the pressures you may feel to control your emotions - the very fact that many people feel they have to put on a brave face in company etc. shows how poorly-adjusted Western society is to death and loss. Being part of a group and listening to the sadness of other people should provide the opportunity for your own feelings to be validated, and especially for those who work hard not to cry, being in the company of someone who is visibly heartbroken can be instrumental in giving permission to others to let their emotions out. I know there's many on this thread who concur that such therapy didn't work for them, but persevere if you can, with a different perspective - healing will only be facilitated if you bring the idea that how you're feeling is normal for many people into play. And if you rally can't get on with the group experience, look for a psychotherapist with a specialism in bereavement. Specifically, you need an existentialist who will stand with you and help you as you re-work your identity which is what the outcome of loss is all about. If you want help in finding one, look on Psychology Today, or the BACP (British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists) websites. You will be assured that people on those websites are well qualified. Good luck.

Counselling wasn’t for me when I lost DH almost three years ago; neither was it for DS when he lost his wife. An online site I had a look at seemed like people were locked into a spiral of decline, dragging each other with them, instead of trying to move forward. Six months after it happened I joined a walking group, not for the bereaved, but where many of the members had lost life partners. It was a comfort to know that there were people there who had gone through the same, without the need to be continually laying it out for people. I went on to do other things to get me out and about and this has worked for me although it’s very hard taking that first step back to normality. I still grieve him, and always will, but it’s not the crushing weight that it was. My thoughts are with you - I hope you find a path that brings you some comfort.

I have facilitated a number of groups, and sometimes found it challenging to ‘rein in’ dominant characters who could have taken over every session with their story. I’m still not convinced that a group setting is the most helpful.

Thanks for useful replies.

One dynamic I've encountered is the " At least you've ( still) got....."
" You've got family popping in"

Or “You’re so lucky to have the mortgage paid off.”

I learnt to roll with the punches.

I’m with the posters who found an unrelated but sympathetic group more helpful.

I’m not sure there’s one answer to this. Too many variables. Firstly loss and grief are individual. No two people are the same. It then depends on the purpose of the group. All should come with a explanation. I was involved in organising a Moving On group with very clear boundaries and guidelines. It wasn’t for everyone. A lot of signposting happened along the lines of ‘do you know about’…. It also depends on the skill of the facilitator, bereaved people often struggle for an outlet, they can be like a tap in the stuck in position, the water runs very fast. Sometimes facilitators aren’t strong enough to turn off a stuck tap.

My instinct is to say to anyone considering any sort of group is find out all you can about it, does it fit with the person you know you are and the needs you believe you have. Talk to the facilitator. If you think it’s worth a try then it probably is but of course walk away if you find it’s not for you. Go with your instinct. There’s never any shame in that. Wishing you well glass.

Wonderful insights corner. Unfortunately the Catch 22 is when you are upset, you can't think straight and may make poor choices.