Feeling forced into a social event

How is the inviter not getting the message? Has your DH and the other colleague actually told him straight that it’s not their thing or are they just grumbling to their wives?

At the end of the day, it’s just a meal and maybe a few hours of stilted conversation but, if you are friendly with the other couple, it shouldn’t be that bad, should it?

The only objection I would have is if it were a very expensive, dressy place that would leave me seriously out of pocket as regards a new outfit and the cost of the meal itself when I would rather go somewhere moderate and relaxed.

Maybe that's the compromise. Accept the invitation on the proviso that all six have a say in where you go.

I know how you feel - we're not 'night out' people either.

The colleague will, no doubt, be anticipating a reciprocal invitation from you. Perhaps, when he doesn't get one, he'll get the message!

For me, one of the benefits of getting older has been saying no to things I don't want to go to.

I just decided one day that I'd had enough of doing things I didn't want to so as to not upset the apple cart. It wasn't just the actual event for me, but the dreading them beforehand and the 'I'll never get that evening back' feeling afterwards and then, as Septimia says having to reciprocate.

Why would you want to spend your evening with someone who won't take no for an answer. Just say a straight no and it will all go away.

I don't think you're being awkward Aveline. You have politely declined with a reasonable response - mind you he could have countered your "not night out" people by changing it to lunch!

I suppose it's a grin and bear it situation - is he paying?

No we'll be paying. I had said that a lunch out would be our preference but this was just ignored as though I hadn't even mentioned it. We'll have to go I suppose but I might not be exactly sparkling company. There will definitely not be a reciprocal invitation or rather command as this feels like.

I would just tell them you're not going and then not go. If they choose to ignore that, then it's their problem. They are in the wrong - not you!

Is he senior in rank to your DH ?

If your DH feels he has to go for his career, I think you have to go along and make the most of it.

But, if this invite is not from a senior, is not relative to his career and therefore just a jolly I would decline gracefully but firmly with the offer of a lunch instead. I would also copy in the other couple.

Good luck, I have gone along with DH to so many dinners and do’s over the last 40+ years but after a disastrous dinner a couple of years ago said I will only go to dinners etc., with people I like and that are in places I wish to go to.

It works ok for us, and he and his friends are more than happy to have a boys dinner out once a month.

I’m going to be voice of dissent. While I understand that people have their comfort zones, when you say you are not “night out” people do you mean you never go out in the evening, not to the cinema, a concert or the theatre or just the two of you or with friends for a meal out or a drink in the pub? If and when you go on on holiday, do you not dine out in the evening?

Is the real bug here just they you were not given a choice of time and venue? Maybe this chap has just discovered an evening restaurant he thinks is good and wants others to enjoy it too.

Go with an open mind. You might be surprised and have a very pleasant evening. Change is as good as a rest etc.

No he's not senior in rank to DH. They get along quite well and DH is quite happy about the proposed event. I think I will have to go but, as I have trouble masking my feelings, I think our 'host' will pick up that I'm not keen!
I feel such a curmudgeon though.

Silverbrooks we really don't go out at night. Lunch out is our preferred treat. Early evening drinks with neighbours in our shared garden is a social highlight for us. By early evening I mean 5-7pm.

Aveline

No he's not senior in rank to DH. They get along quite well and DH is quite happy about the proposed event. I think I will have to go but, as I have trouble masking my feelings, I think our 'host' will pick up that I'm not keen!
I feel such a curmudgeon though.

You never know you might just enjoy it, I hope you do.

I have been out for a meal with someone who had probably dragged their husband along, and the atmospheric was just dreadful.

It was so apparent that he wanted to be anywhere but where he was, excruciating!

I think you need to be firm with this man. If he is refusing to take no for an answer, this will not be a one-off.
I don't understand why people think you should socialise with the people you work with. Attending an office party is one thing, being friends is something different.

I'd say

"I'm sorry to disappoint but we will not be joining you for dinner. As explained we don't enjoy this type of thing anymore. I hope you have a lovely evening.

If you do enjoy something you could add - "We do however love white water rafting/board gaming holidays and would be delighted if you could join us on our next trip"

I learnt say no.

I was going to ask whether your DH was as opposed as you are to the event, but you've since answered that question. You say he is quite happy about it. In which case try to view it as something that would please your spouse or more's to the point embarrass him if he had to decline. I would obviously give the same advice if it was a man not wanting to attend his wife's event. Are you still working OP? If not, it's easy to get in a rut and also forget how important friendships with colleagues/office politics can be. You say the other couple aren't keen either but I wonder to what extent you're projecting your own feelings onto this.

*I (not "we")

Money is hard earned and spending it in the company of folks I don’t love no longer happens! I’d rather treat family or friends to a slap up meal!

As you’re going Aveline (and your husband wants to) pin a smile on your face and don’t let your body language say different. Nothing to be gained by that point other than showcasing your displeasure. Not cool. Not cool at all, embarrassing 5 others.

He just doesn’t get the message that we don’t want to go

But then you go on to say..

DH is quite happy about the proposed event

In other words, DH is ok with it, but you don’t want to go?

That’s a bit different to how it came across in your OP.

I can only think that out putative host is unembarrassable! I'm past being concerned about being 'cool'.
Re the other couple: I've been in communication with them and they do feel the same, if not worse, than us. It's not going to be a great night out.

Calendargirl DH is willing to go along with it but he'd never choose to socialise with this person and is a bit puzzled as to why he's being so persistent.

I think you must go, make the best of it, but at the end if the conversation is along the lines of ‘we must do this again’ let it be known, tactfully but firmly, that ‘thank you, but no, this was a one off really’.

I’m confused now.

I thought your husband wanted to go?
Now you say the other couple ‘feel the same as US’. 🤔

All I meant when I said ‘not cool’ is don’t be a sulker. Horrible behaviour to witness.

Mind you by the sounds of it you & the other couple will covertly signalling one another across the table. Beware. You could get caught out (by your husband if no-one else and he wants to go, I think).

I have now learnt to say no! I think particularly since covid I am not a night out person preferring to meet friends for lunch or an early evening meal out. I do like the theatre and occasional evenings out but nothing regularly. From what you are saying I would probably go along with it this time for your DH and if it is not an enjoyable experience then be very firm with a no next time.
I have a friend who always wants to cook “posh” dinners for me and invites people I am not comfortable with and it just freaks me out so I now just say thank you but no and she is still my friend and respects my feelings.

If the other couple feel the same way as you do, perhaps you can make a pact with them (or maybe you and the wife can) to chat mostly with one another about subjects which the host would not be interested in? You could be very girly and talk about clothes, nails, hair, makeup and such, or share the finer points of your professional knowledge with each other, or your experiences in your other spheres of fame, or exchange details of your most traumatic gynecological or obstetric experiences (that'll close down the evening early)