Feeling forced into a social event

If you don’t want to go then don’t go and let other people please themselves.

It sounds as if you’ve made your mind up to go. When you get there, ask the wife how she puts up with such a bossy, selfish person who won’t take no for an answer.

It's your life, your decision whether to attend or not. Just tell the friend you won't be there and ask your hub to let this colleague of his know whether HE will be attending.

I'm past being bullied into these things (I hope!).

As he's choosing the venue without discussing it with the other members of the party, couch an email along the lines of "I'm assuming the evening will be on you, as you have taken it upon yourself to arrange all of this, however if you don't want it to hit your pocket so hard, we, and the other members of the proposed party suggest a lunch at a mutually agreeable venue to all of us. Having some input obviously we will be happy to split the cost 3 ways rather than you being lumbered with a meal for 6. Speaking personally I'm more inclined to rein in my propensity for not opting for the more expensive food and wine on the menu during the day, for example, the lunchtime prix fixe usually isn't available and in any case of an evening I will be expecting a la carte, but up to you as it's very much your choice and as such you're stumping up, damn generous of you may I say though" See how that goes down!

I'm very puzzled by this post. I can't imagine sitting round a table having lunch with several other people who don't want to be there?? Just why?

I am glad I don't mix in these sort of circles because playing pretend like this just isn't in my skill set. Yet, despite not wanting to go, OP has resigned herself to going. Why?

You either refuse the invitation (even if they are royalty- they aren't going to put you in prison!) or you go and make the best of it- enjoy the food at least or you just let DH go by himself. Or is that far too radical?

Why do people build these restrictive scenarios for themselves? Maybe it's me that's odd but I don't think so.

I would just be straight with them. No, that doesn’t work for us but have a good evening.

Just repeat until they get it. If they don’t, I would just not go. They can’t force you.

Coconutty

I would just be straight with them. No, that doesn’t work for us but have a good evening.

Just repeat until they get it. If they don’t, I would just not go. They can’t force you.

Yes I kind of agree, that would be the best way to deal with being pushed into a corner, "so sorry doesn't work for us" and then don't elaborate as to why but "have a super evening"

Against my better judgement I once accepted an invitation to a restaurant I don't like for an event I don't like, issued by an overbearing friend.
At the same time I was trying to arrange a date with friends to go out for my 60th birthday, but no-one was free...

Eventually one friend confessed that the "event" was to be my surprise birthday party.
She said she knew it wasn't what I wanted, she knew I didn't like the restaurant, but it was what suited everyone else.

I wasn't brave enough to say I wouldn't go; on the day I felt like a spare part and hated it.
Never again.

OP you have two choices and as a big grown up girl you are perfectly entitled to do exactly as you please
1) Say clearly but firmly you do not do evenings but would be delighted to meet them for lunch
2) Take a deep breath and go, you might enjoy it (“feel the fear and do it anyway”)
If its as bad as you feared, you will know never to do it again and in future can plead what I think Terry Wogan used to call “a subsequent engagement”.
But if we can’t stand up fir ourselves at our age, when can we?

Calendargirl

crazyH

I would thank the friend and the son for the invite, but say the five hour journey is just too much for you to do.

If it spoils your friendship, she is not much of a friend.

She can ask someone else.

Why does your friend need company? Sounds like the son wants to offload his mum and absolve himself of responsibility. He is the one taking her, and should be company for her himself.

Exactly this Calendargirl
I'd say no.
My friends would accept that. I'm sure your friend would too.

V3ra that is awful.

Thanks Calendargirl and NotSphaghetti - I feel so much better xx

Op,

Is this the only occasion where your husband does not tak your opinion into consideration?

No. It's really not his fault. I can see he's in a difficult situation and it's not his fault. If I refused to go it would be embarrassing for him..

Aveline

No. It's really not his fault. I can see he's in a difficult situation and it's not his fault. If I refused to go it would be embarrassing for him..

Sometimes we have to endure things for the sake of our OH and know that they would do the same for us. 🙂

RosieandherMaw

OP you have two choices and as a big grown up girl you are perfectly entitled to do exactly as you please
1) Say clearly but firmly you do not do evenings but would be delighted to meet them for lunch
2) Take a deep breath and go, you might enjoy it (“feel the fear and do it anyway”)
If its as bad as you feared, you will know never to do it again and in future can plead what I think Terry Wogan used to call “a subsequent engagement”.
But if we can’t stand up fir ourselves at our age, when can we?

This. Absolutely.

If all else fails - probably because your DH is willing to be pushed into doing something he knows you definitely don’t want - suggest that he goes ahead and arranges a get-together with his colleague. Men only!

I am afraid if this was me I would dress up, turn up and smile and then talk and try and get everyone else to talk in a Miss Marple kind of way! You might find out all sorts of interesting things and of course support the couple you already know. If you choose the cheapest things on the menu be careful as so many people just split the bill equally
Good luck

I quite like TerriBull's idea of assuming he's paying!

Further to what luluaugust has said about choosing the cheapest thing on the menu, do make a big thing of working out your bill right down to the last roast potato or spoonful of sauce. That should put them off inviting you again. Developing one or two food intolerances that have to be catered for should clinch it.

We used to go out for a Christmas lunch as a group of 4 old school friends. Over the years our husbands have died and we are left as a group of 3 plus the widower of the 4th friend. Since he's been on his own he has turned vegan and we now go to his choice of restaurant, which is inconvenient to get to and the meal isn't very Christmassy. The trouble is that we've known him for over 50 years so it would be awful to say we don't want him there, but going anywhere else with him means waiting for hours while he searches for anything that he can eat. I'm really much happier now if people just come round for something at home.

Don't make excuses for your dh

You say he wants to go to the dinner

He chose the path of least resistance

Nobody had a gun to his head when the invitation was brought up and it was or death

Aveline

I quite like TerriBull's idea of assuming he's paying!

Yes, me too!

If you refused to go “it would be embarrassing for him”, so I’d go and have an extra strong drink to jolly myself along. You presumably will enjoy the company of the other couple, it’s not as if it’s only the terrible two (or one).

I don’t understand people never ever going out at night unless they are bedbound!

It seems an awful lot of fuss about not wanting to go out in the evening - as if doing so just once is too terrible to contemplate. If the husband is happy to accept an invitation from his colleague, then it does seem churlish to be digging heels in saying we don’t do anything after 7pm ever.

It seems very limiting to never go out but then I like going out in the evening. Difference between still being married and having someone to do nothing with as opposed to living alone, single, divorced or widowed - as I have been for a very long time. I jump at any chance to go out so I work evenings in event management. People of all ages come along, from their 20s to their 80s to enjoy wining and dining and live music until 11pm.

We are all different but it really wouldn’t hurt to stray from the comfort zone just once, to accept this kind invitation and not make such a huge drama over it.

Aveline

No. It's really not his fault. I can see he's in a difficult situation and it's not his fault. If I refused to go it would be embarrassing for him..

He'd be embarrassed? Why?

And?

I would have thought if someone has invited others to a specific restaurant of their choice at their date and time, that they would probably be picking up the bill.