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Finding it hard to come to terms with the limitations on my life ....

(95 Posts)
Luckygirl3 Fri 06-Jun-25 15:11:41

Not sure what I am expecting from this post, except perhaps to tell me to woman-up!

I am now 76, and I have faced some serious challenges over the past few years:

- many years of nursing my late husband through Parkinson's and dealing with all the complications of funding nursing home care at the end, which included the complex business of lodging an appeal - successfully, but massively stressful.

- bereavement

- loneliness

- moving house on my own and dealing with all that entailed. Initially I was selling to fund his care in a half-way decent home, but he died during the process. I did not know whether I was going to be able to continue paying his fees.

- all this was done during and shortly after covid which meant that the family support I needed was lessened.

- since his death (he was a doctor - so I miss his input!) I have been assailed by health problems.....complex heart problems - sinus node disease, heart attack, atrial fibrillation, and I have a stent and also recently a pacemaker; prolapsed disc leading to discectomy surgery, but I am still in pain and limited in what I can do; cataract surgery (with recent problems which will need further intervention); and it looks as though I might have some neurological problems as I have some numbness and weakness in my limbs.

- all this means that I am constantly out of breath, in pain, limited in mobility, unable to get exercise and facing the prospect that driving might become out of the question in the next few years - I live rurally and accept that I will need to bite the bullet and take taxis.

In general I do not think people are aware of how difficult things are for me and they are always telling me how young I looe - hereditary dark brown hair with no grey and an absence of wrinkles belies what is really going on! - I would settle for some grey hair and some wrinkles if it meant the rest of me worked properly!

The biggest downer is the fact singing has been my life and I am having to watch this fly out of the window. It is almost like losing my life, because this is who I am. The breathlessness is a huge factor in the singing problems. The pacemaker clinic showed me what happened to my heart on a day this May when I was conducting a choir and also singing and my heart rate went dangerously high. So I have just cancelled singing in a concert tomorrow evening and also in a concert in the Three Choirs Festival in July which I was so looking forward to.

I cannot go for a walk nor join in many of the village activities.

Right - that's the grumbling done! Here's the positives: I have loving family and kind friends, I use my computer to contribute to my community etc. (writing book reviews, designing publicity, being the village hall's booking person etc.) but the yawning gaps opening up in my life are seriously getting me down. Cancelling the concerts has brought it all home; and not knowing if I will be well enough to continue running the choir that I have run for 40 years is a blow.

I knew all this would some - but it seems too soon - I guess it always does!

I know that others are facing similar and would be interested to know how you keep your spirits up - a life soley sitting around and devoted to me is not a great prospect!

Over to you!

Luckygirl3 Fri 06-Jun-25 15:14:14

Sorry for spelling errors - fat fingers!

Baggs Fri 06-Jun-25 15:16:49

Just sending a hug, lucky.

MayBee70 Fri 06-Jun-25 15:51:04

I ‘m sorry to hear about the singing. I know how much it means to you. flowers. I’m facing incapacity for the first time in my life. I’m grateful, though, that I have catchup tv, could subscribe to more channels if I wanted to. Can contact my family via my iPad ( or at least I will if and when I get back onto Facebook and messenger). I was contemplating today getting a mobility scooter. I could use it after my knee operation but, if I get one now it means I can, at least, go down the lane with my partner when he walks our dog ( although I can’t believe that I’m contemplating buying one; it’s almost as if I’m planning all these things for someone else, not me).I can chat to people on here about films,books etc. Send away for anything I need. I sometimes think how my life would be if I was facing a mobility problem years ago. The threat of no longer being able to drive does hang over me like a black cloud. Having said all that, unlike you, Luckygirl, I’m facing these problems without having the constant problems you’ve had over the past few years, just one of which would have wiped me out.

Ilovecheese Fri 06-Jun-25 15:53:41

All I have to offer is that I appreciate the comments that you make on here. Sensible and kind, and intelligent.

V3ra Fri 06-Jun-25 16:04:55

Re mobility scooters: my son's girlfriend has one, she's 41.
She says it's changed her life.

Grannybags Fri 06-Jun-25 16:06:41

Hello Luckygirl I followed your trials and tribulations with your beloved husband over the years and then your move.

It has also been clear how involved you are in village life and the choir.

I can only send you hugs and flowers

Whitewavemark2 Fri 06-Jun-25 16:31:03

luckygirl and maybee70 💐💐

AGAA4 Fri 06-Jun-25 16:37:09

Definitely won't be telling you to woman-up! You've been through a lot and keep doing what you can despite health problems. 💐

NanTheWiser Fri 06-Jun-25 17:22:43

Grannybags

Hello Luckygirl I followed your trials and tribulations with your beloved husband over the years and then your move.

It has also been clear how involved you are in village life and the choir.

I can only send you hugs and flowers

I echo everything that Grannybags has written. I too, have followed all your problems over the years, and can only extend huge sympathy for your current woes.

Cabbie21 Fri 06-Jun-25 17:38:10

I can especially feel your sadness if you have to give up choirs. It is SO important to you , as it is to me. My breathing is OK, but I’m finding it so hard to stand for the length of time needed in concerts, in a fixed position, holding the music…..
I do hope you don’t have to give up completely.

Another here who values your very positive contributions to GN.

Luckygirl3 Fri 06-Jun-25 18:34:41

Thank you for the helpful and supportive posts and I send lots of sympathy to others in a similar boat.

I am a bit disappointed at the absence of magic wands! smile

Whingey Fri 06-Jun-25 18:54:52

Sorry. Hug and flowers to you

Shelflife Fri 06-Jun-25 19:00:48

Thinking of you ! xx

bluebird243 Fri 06-Jun-25 19:35:58

I'm very sorry you've had such a difficult few years, a lot to deal with and losses to bear. I hope you continue to have support from family and friends, which of course is vital for keeping your spirits/mental health up.

I've had my own challenges in the last year or two and would just say how humans seem to adjust and adapt to changes...in time, as the months go on. In the meantime it is painful and difficult isn't it. I had to keep the faith that life would change... it never stays the same.

Distraction is good. If you can develop a fresh interest or past time, learning about something new which captures your enthusiasm it can help. Things you can do at home. So many things in life to do. Ideas can come unexpectedly, to spark our interest...from the internet, books, magazines, TV, over hearing a conversation.

For myself [and for example], I found a new interest in cooking, trying new recipes, redesigned a part of my garden, connected with an old friend via Facebook messaging, discovered a wonderful new coffee shop, started knitting again for charity and am studying philosophy online. Been kept busy, the months have passed and I feel a lot better. I'm 76 too.

I wish you the best, and I hope you can find ways and something to compensate for the way your life has changed, and can eventually come to terms with your limitations. You have been very brave.

M0nica Fri 06-Jun-25 19:56:49

I really understand your loss of singing. Opera has been my DH's main occupation outside work, not watching but singing in, producing, directing, stage design, the lot, but like you he has had heart attacks, bypass surgery, with complications that damaged one lung and now has a pacemaker. Last year he had to give it up, the 25 mile round trip to rehearsals and then producing became too much for him, and he like you has been left desolate.

At least, I still have him, but we are in the process of moving into a town where everything happens in the town centre - and we are buying a home on the edge of the centre. Hopefully he will find a new interest to fill the gap, but with his health constraints that will not be easy. You have my deepest sympathy for the loss of your singing.

Luckygirl3 Fri 06-Jun-25 20:48:47

Well done bluebird for managing to carry on.
I am sorry Monica to hear that your poor DHs health has curtailed his opera activities. I used to organise concerts, big choirs etc as well as singing with choirs and choral societies myself. There is a rapidly developing black hole where all this used to be.

Jaxjacky Fri 06-Jun-25 21:14:29

You must be gutted Luckygirl and I'm so sorry this is happening, I wish I had a magic wand for you.

Grannylynj Fri 06-Jun-25 21:19:28

Won’t catch me regaling the world with my problems

Wyllow3 Fri 06-Jun-25 21:22:01

Losing singing is making a hole in your heart as music is so close to our souls (meant generally not necessarily religion)

Can listening to music help feed that bit of your soul, or does it hurt too much to be Reminded?

Jaxjacky Fri 06-Jun-25 21:28:57

Grannylynj

Won’t catch me regaling the world with my problems

That was helpful.
Ever heard the saying if you can’t say anything nice then don’t bother?

Luckygirl3 Fri 06-Jun-25 21:50:32

Grannylynj

Won’t catch me regaling the world with my problems

I hope very much that you have none.

merlotgran Fri 06-Jun-25 23:13:11

Grannylynj

Won’t catch me regaling the world with my problems

Good!
We don’t want to hear them!

Grannybags Fri 06-Jun-25 23:22:08

merlotgran 😂😂😂

Allira Fri 06-Jun-25 23:23:41

Luckygirl3

Grannylynj

Won’t catch me regaling the world with my problems

I hope very much that you have none.

You're too kind Luckygirl!
It was a very nasty post.

They say old age doesn't come on its own and thst's very true. I'm finding mobility difficult, thinking a knee replacement woul make me like a spring chicken but other problems have appeared since, so I can sympathise.

Not being able to continue with a hobby you love must be very difficult but can you still go to the concerts, or would that feel worse if you can't participate?

sending flowers