Friend Short Tempered

rosie1959

I do think from your post that your friend just needs a listening ear. How big is this bungalow 18 months seems an extremely long time for renovation has she perhaps taken on too much without the funds required and it's causing her frustration.

I would say that the friend is venting because it's taking so long.

But it may be an area where "things take longer than they should take". I found that the area I moved to on retirement is one of them - and that's the polar opposite of what I'm used to. Then there was bad neighbours sticking their oar in and putting off tradespeople (as they wanted me to sell the house - so one of their friends could have it instead!!!!) and it took me literally years to get it basically finished - as there was so much more work involved than there should have been. I became desperate to have the better-functioning more modern kitchen part way through - so that meant a loan to get it at that point. Then I ran out of money.

When I had some more money and so was able to finish the place off = that also took months before that was basically done.

Don't forget that - even in a more "normal" area for all this and without the neighbours I had = one still probably has to wait months sometimes for any halfway reasonable tradesperson one has decided on to be available. You can't just turn round and said "Right - I've decided you're it. Can you start next week please?"

Lockdown didn't help either.

It took me around 11 years!!!!!!!!!! between all that stuff going on before the house is finished (apart from I may, possibly, decide to have the outside cladded - because it isn't a brick house/many of the houses in this area arent brick houses). So I may do that - to deal with the fact it's been made of these huge concrete block things, rendered and painted.

Even something as basic as the phoneline may not be working normally - and that was what I found when I bought the house and it turned out to be a party line! Even when that had been replaced by a normal individual line the internet from it kept going slow...slow...slower...gone. I had to have in the Telecom people 50 times (!!) or more until it finally went completely normal at last literally years later (ie the very first workday after the next door neighbour moved out.....funnily enough.....and with the exact same workman coming round as I'd had round only the previous week).

You never know just how many obstacles/delays might have been caused by all those factors:
- an unreliable area work ethic
- bad neighbours deliberately interfering
- running out of money and having to wait for some more.

Just agree with her and make sympathetic noises and things like ''I know' ...nothing much else you can do...sorry

I very much sympathize. I have a friend who for thirty years has told me at great length and with desperate urgency that she must move from her flat in central London. I have never been in the flat but it is very tiny, at the top of many flights of stairs and she hoards and God knows what state it is in as she often hints that it is pretty bad. Now the day may soon come when she will not be able to get up and down the stairs. There has already been an incident when she was out, took ill and when she got home couldn't manage the stairs and had to call an ambulance and spent a couple of nights in hospital. I thought that at last a move must surely happen. But no. She must move but she can't move and she doesn't move. How many times have I had to listen? How many times have my suggestions and my encouragements been met with anger and irritation. But this time, I realized all I could do was listen and sympathize. It is probably because the situation is now so extreme that I have had to accept that it is as it is, though it is difficult for me to do so. It is so sad and I feel so sorry for her. She is a wonderful woman in many ways. I just hope that circumstances will fall out one way or another so that the worst things one can imagine do not happen in the end.

Syracute

I have moved many times . Her upsetment is understandsblr . Try just listening and not being
SO JUDGEy . You Are not really a very good friend .

What an extremely rude comment

Listening to other people can be very difficult, particularly on the phone where you don’t have visual clues about what they are talking about or how they feel about what’s wrong. It sounds to me as though you’ve been very good to your friend and I’m sure she appreciates it.

I, on the other hand, have a friend who when we speak on the phone, or face to face, gives me constant unwanted advice, about anything, eg about my dogs and how to care for them (she doesn’t have a dog!), the kitchen counter tops, my family, my husband!

I really would like her, if I am moaning about something, to say ‘OMG, how frightful, irritating, or annoying or exhausting for you’, or whatever. I absolutely do not want her to tell me what to do EVERY time before I’ve even finished talking.

Someone once told me that one type of supportive listening is known as ‘unconditional positive regard’. I’m not sure that I’ve explained that concept correctly, but I understand it as about supporting and listening to the other person without leaping in with one’s own solutions, until or if asked for them.

I don’t claim to have it right every time I listen to someone on the phone but I do try to be supportive when I’m listening, even if that means not saying what I really think, but just listening.

Hope that your friend’s renovations go well, a move can be one of the most stressful things in modern day life, and I suspect that having builders in, is a close second! 🌷🌷🌷

Perhaps offer no advice, listen, nod, be polite and kind.

Never too much kindness, slather it all over as peanut butter on bread.

Just listen and listen more until she stops. Probably a bit of silence then just a general comment like "you have your work cut out" not giving an opinion on anything to do with the house. No doubt she is angry with herself for ending up in the situation and just doesn't want to admit so. No one will be able to resolve issues as she seems to have a strong will. Just take any opportunity to distract her in conversations but of course unless willing to you will be accused of not being interested/helpful.

But sometimes being the agreeable ear takes it's toll and you have had enough.
I would just say that you are happy to meet up and have phone calls but don't want to hear about the latest goings on with her bungalow. You may lose a friend but sometimes you have to lose something to regain your sanity

Seems like she needs to talk things through. Sometimes it's easier to find a solution by talking. If you can listen for a while. Just offer a few words of sympathy and then move the conversation on, as you already do, maybe she will calm down a bit.

It could be that the physical move to be nearer her son hasn’t panned out Quite as she planned, maybe it’s not as emotionally close as she envisaged ?
And she’s too proud to admit it and this is being channeled into her frustration with the building work
I would just offer sympathetic noises and concentrate on outings to the cinema /theatre where conversation can be at a minimum

Your friend is unloading all her pent up feelings of frustration with her home, and the early realisation that she has made a huge mistake. Possibly she is worrying about the mounting costs. It must be a relief for her to have you to listen, although it is rather an ordeal for you if she is getting snappy, but it sounds as if her anger is with the situation she finds herself in and not you. Where are her family in this unhappy situation?

When I did a counselling course many years ago I was taught never to give advice unless asked for.
People sometimes just want their feelings validated so using a kind of echoing of what they are saying.
"Yes I can see why that is getting you down" or "you are saying that's annoying. I can understand why".
So it's almost repeating what they have said and they feel you understand.

I’m pretty laid back and have always got on with things , but I know a lady who is very much as you describe . Everything is such a faff to her and she gets herself in such a state . She is a relative of my DIL so I can avoid her but she is her own worst enemy.

Elowen33

Sometimes people just want to have a rant, they dont want advice or sympathy just someone to nod and agree.

This!

I had a very good (almost lifelong) friend who sadly died two years ago, but she was of the kind that always agreed with me if I needed to have a rant, and whilst it annoyed me a little at the time I realise it was probably the most diplomatic approach. If she DID ever offer a possible solution it was always worth me considering.

OTOH, I have a relatively recent friend who foolishly (she now realises) decided to sell her lovely flat and move in with her beloved sister. Sadly, the sister turned out to be totally incompatible in her way of life compared to my friend and two years later she is desperate to move back to where she used to live. Unfortunately the only properties she can now afford are in dire need of repair and updating (and my friend is a very tidy, modern lady despite being 78) but thankfully her son has undertaken to find people to do the work for a fair price and is going to oversee the lot for her. It's a pity the OP's son isn't of the same ilk.

However, in my own area finding reliable tradesmen who are not fully booked up for months ahead is nigh on impossible. I've been trying to find both a cleaner and a gardener for about five years, and the decorating will likely have to remain till I sell the house and new people move in!

AGAA4

When I did a counselling course many years ago I was taught never to give advice unless asked for.
People sometimes just want their feelings validated so using a kind of echoing of what they are saying.
"Yes I can see why that is getting you down" or "you are saying that's annoying. I can understand why".
So it's almost repeating what they have said and they feel you understand.

Very much this. I'm a trained psychotherapist and both used it and been in therapy. This, every time, unless a person asks, and even then, handle with caution, as its always best for a person to make up their own minds unless you feel they are doing something that will do them harm.

MrsMatt

But sometimes being the agreeable ear takes it's toll and you have had enough.
I would just say that you are happy to meet up and have phone calls but don't want to hear about the latest goings on with her bungalow. You may lose a friend but sometimes you have to lose something to regain your sanity

Fair enough if you want to put your own needs before those of your friend; but if you want to be supportive (as the OP does) then that’s not going to help at all.

MrsMatt

But sometimes being the agreeable ear takes it's toll and you have had enough.
I would just say that you are happy to meet up and have phone calls but don't want to hear about the latest goings on with her bungalow. You may lose a friend but sometimes you have to lose something to regain your sanity

I would feel very offended and upset if my friend of 40 years said that to me ….” I’m happy to meet you for coffee but please don’t talk about your latest goings on “ ….how awful a friend is that . Good friends are supposed to be there for each other , through thick & thin , be supportive, have our backs at all times . Having a friend who is “ selective” in contents of conversation isn’t a good friend at all .

Doodledog

MrsMatt

But sometimes being the agreeable ear takes it's toll and you have had enough.
I would just say that you are happy to meet up and have phone calls but don't want to hear about the latest goings on with her bungalow. You may lose a friend but sometimes you have to lose something to regain your sanity

Fair enough if you want to put your own needs before those of your friend; but if you want to be supportive (as the OP does) then that’s not going to help at all.

There is the saying, If you are in a plane, then put your own oxygen mask on before you help another x

I am in a group of people who increasingly talk about nothing but their ailments. One has been seriously ill and had a series of unpleasant conditions and operations and deserves all the time she wants just to talk it through but the others now seem to try and compete, and they are impossible to deflect.

Wyllow3

Doodledog

MrsMatt

But sometimes being the agreeable ear takes it's toll and you have had enough.
I would just say that you are happy to meet up and have phone calls but don't want to hear about the latest goings on with her bungalow. You may lose a friend but sometimes you have to lose something to regain your sanity

Fair enough if you want to put your own needs before those of your friend; but if you want to be supportive (as the OP does) then that’s not going to help at all.

There is the saying, If you are in a plane, then put your own oxygen mask on before you help another x

That's true, but at the same time, someone wanting to help wouldn't risk alienating their friend by dictating the allowed topics of conversation.

I understand that it can be tedious when someone has a perennial topic of conversation - particularly when it is gloomy - but there has been a lot of suggestions about how to deal with it which are likely to preserve, rather than destroy the friendship.

eazybee

I am in a group of people who increasingly talk about nothing but their ailments. One has been seriously ill and had a series of unpleasant conditions and operations and deserves all the time she wants just to talk it through but the others now seem to try and compete, and they are impossible to deflect.

Oh easybee - how sad - how one person can as it were lead the group into the dark side of what ails us, instead of "how we are coping supportive" side".

I'm not sure you can do anything unless you have the strength and desire to try and turn it round.

Wyllow3

eazybee

I am in a group of people who increasingly talk about nothing but their ailments. One has been seriously ill and had a series of unpleasant conditions and operations and deserves all the time she wants just to talk it through but the others now seem to try and compete, and they are impossible to deflect.

Oh easybee - how sad - how one person can as it were lead the group into the dark side of what ails us, instead of "how we are coping supportive" side".

I'm not sure you can do anything unless you have the strength and desire to try and turn it round.

Unless you make a communal agreement of "10 minutes per person re ailments - and then we'll get onto something else"?

I think 30 minutes of other peoples' ailments would make me wish for the company of my spaniel or a good book. 3 minutes per person maximum - if all they talk about is their ailments, eventually they'll end up having nothing else they CAN talk about.

CariadAgain

Wyllow3

eazybee

I am in a group of people who increasingly talk about nothing but their ailments. One has been seriously ill and had a series of unpleasant conditions and operations and deserves all the time she wants just to talk it through but the others now seem to try and compete, and they are impossible to deflect.

Oh easybee - how sad - how one person can as it were lead the group into the dark side of what ails us, instead of "how we are coping supportive" side".

I'm not sure you can do anything unless you have the strength and desire to try and turn it round.

Unless you make a communal agreement of "10 minutes per person re ailments - and then we'll get onto something else"?

My mum was very into 'don't moan, chin up".

It went far too far in that direction really, as we didn't really have a listening ear enough especially in the difficult teenage years, but it's stood me in good stead now. Bless, she never moaned.