Funerals - each one is different now

Hi all,

Funeral Celebrant, Funeral Arranger and End of Life support person.

I understand you must have felt the service seemed out of sorts of what you would expect in a church, for certain.

As a Celebrant, I have background in Christian, Humanist, Buddhist and a few others, just from the years of experience and the kindness of others in specific religions who were kind enough to teach me to an acceptable level.

Most of my funerals I get requests for are "Humanist". This means the person didn't have a specific faith.

Although, some choose a Humanist service, with some Christian undertones, such as starting with the Lord's prayer, or certain Psalms.

As part of the company I work for, as a freelance Celebrant, we are able to offer three pieces of music for the service. The entrance music, the middle (or moment of reflection song) and the exit song.

These can be any music the person who has passed loved, or even asked for in their will or notes about their death. Other times, there were no instructions left, so the next of kin is left to try and decide the most befitting music.

The music can be classical, religious, pop and yes, even rock! You won't believe some of the songs I've heard.

And yet, if I see a congregation of loved-ones who are crying and laughing at the same time, or if I see them feeling they were really listened to and this has helped ease their grief, even for a moment, to me that is very important.

Grief is an absolutely individual thing and has it's own path to go. There is no expected end date and I am deeply aware of that.

I am keenly aware of those in attendance and the family/friends I have worked directly with in writing the tribute/eulogy for their loved-one.

Most of my services would be termed a Celebration of Life. I have officiated many, many services and there have been times where I had to read the eulogy again and again at home, until I was certain I would not end up in tears. There have been some tragic cases, indeed.

The bottomline is that the service should reflect the wishes of the loved-one who has passed away, and if those wishes were not known (which is rare), then the Next of Kin and family will come together to give their hearts and souls to make sure they do their very best to offer up all the memories and moments that tell the beautiful story of the life of the person who has gone "home".

I have told my children I want a Direct Cremation. My Daughter also wants the same.

So no funeral.

This is exactly what I would.like. not sure family agree, in end it's up to them and what they feel they need

Direct cremation for me, too. No funeral needed.

Each to their own.

OH and I have also decided to have direct cremations too - but I'd like my family to hold a celebration of my life afterwards. I already have a file on record with all the music I'd like played at it.

My friend was the Cekebrant at my mum's funeral. She recently died and picked her own celebrant!! He was very good. He and the family organised a really wonderful celebration that was exactly her.

I do wish, however, that they had warned me that I was in the photo montage that was shown.

I’ve been to two funerals this year. Neither was religious but There eas a time ( with music) for people to use for their own thoughts and prayers . Both were a lovely celebration of the deceased lives.
My brother who died last Christmas no, opted for a direct cremation. No service at all. I respect his wishes but it has left me feeling as if things are not finished. I don’t know how else to describe it.
I feel fine metals are really for those left behind so my nearest and dearest have been instructed to do whatever feels right to them. I won’t be there to complain.

theworriedwell

Baggs

Elephants mourn their dead. Are they being spiritual?

Maybe.

Elephants recognise the need to mark the death of a loved one. Wise animals who know the benefits of ritual

The worst funeral I've been to, was at the crem, with a celebrant supplied by the Humanist society (as requested by atheist deceased). The HS -trained celebrant visited the family to get some details about the person she'd never met, ahead of the funeral. She took notes.

When we arrived at the crem , the HS celebrants husband was standing with her, welcoming the attenders while she explained he was there "for support" !!!!!!!!!!!! as this was her first funeral and she was very nervous. I sincerely hope it was her last. The mess she made of it was appalling.

First she got the name of the dead person wrong. Everything she said, was clearly details from the life of some total stranger. Some one who loved driving a little red car ( spurious tributes to the car, jokes about it, including its nickname, personality etc) and the errors went on and on, excruciating.

At the end of it, gushing Celebrant issued a warm welcome to all attending, to the funeral meal at home address (the only thing she got right) , and "looked forward to seeing you all there to hear your memories of Departed."

We all went out to admire the flowers while the said Daughter took the opportunity to tell Celebrant, the wake to celebrate the life of my mother <REAL NAME> is for friends and family only. You are not invited".

She didn't. come. Just as well.

Woodland burials are quite ‘trending’ now in the UK.

I have been pondering this latterly (getting ancient!). There isn't anyone around to come to my funeral - either deceased or have run from this country! Just to be awkward, I do not want to be cremated just planted somewhere (with my previous dogs ashes). I am religious inside but not overtly, if you get my drift. I don't quite know how to engineer this. Any ideas?

ginny

I’ve been to two funerals this year. Neither was religious but There eas a time ( with music) for people to use for their own thoughts and prayers . Both were a lovely celebration of the deceased lives.
My brother who died last Christmas no, opted for a direct cremation. No service at all. I respect his wishes but it has left me feeling as if things are not finished. I don’t know how else to describe it.
I feel fine metals are really for those left behind so my nearest and dearest have been instructed to do whatever feels right to them. I won’t be there to complain.

I know what you mean about feeling “as if things are not finished”.
Two musical colleagues died last year without funerals or any marking of their passing. If funerals are for those left behind, we felt bemused, but respected their choice of course.

All different. My dad had a piper playing ‘Flowers of the Forest’- really beautiful send off.

My friend has just signed up to a plan, where they take the body & cremate the body, no service. Not really sure now what I think of that.

Mt61

My friend has just signed up to a plan, where they take the body & cremate the body, no service. Not really sure now what I think of that.

Direct cremations, as many have mentioned. Becoming more and more popular, as they're much cheaper than conventional cremations or burials. I think it's a great idea, but as I said above, I'd like my family to hold a celebration of my life afterwards, full of my favourite music.

I think I too would want a nice, small service.

Iam64

theworriedwell

Baggs

Elephants mourn their dead. Are they being spiritual?

Maybe.

Elephants recognise the need to mark the death of a loved one. Wise animals who know the benefits of ritual

Needing to mark the death of a loved one is not the same as needing a ritual. A death can be marked in many different ways by and for the people who remain.

I think this is why people are using words like celebration or remembrance instead of funeral.

There was no funeral as such for my DD but the Day of Remembrance her partner arranged served the same purpose. And, in my view, was better.

Also - and this is very important - he needed to do it that way. He has to survive in the best way he can and bring up their children without her. He did his absolute best. It took far more effort, far more planning, far more co-ordinating than letting funeral company arrange some ritual by rote.

If anyone suggests it was to save money I'll bit their head off.

Grr

*bite

We had a DIY funeral for DH. I spoke for a few minutes about his early life and our 50+ years together. His best man read a passage from the memoir DH had written about his National Service, AC and friends also spoke about their memories. Our DiL, a professional musician, played the small pipes. My sister, who is a Christian, led some prayers for those who wished to pray.The cardboard coffin was covered with pictures of his lifelong sport/hobby. Then we had a champagne tea. It felt like a good send-off. We none of us went to the cremation, We'd committed him to memory, and his remains were just that - remains.

dalrymple23

I have been pondering this latterly (getting ancient!). There isn't anyone around to come to my funeral - either deceased or have run from this country! Just to be awkward, I do not want to be cremated just planted somewhere (with my previous dogs ashes). I am religious inside but not overtly, if you get my drift. I don't quite know how to engineer this. Any ideas?

I assume you have a will and an executor, perhaps you could make your wishes known to them?

When my son in law died at 36 from a brain tumour my grandson, aged 6, chose We will Rock You by Queen as the music for carrying him out of church to the car for the crematorium. Even the vicar didn't say much in the way of religious rhetoric, knowing full well that SIL would not have wanted. All the rest of the music was what meant something to my daughter and her husband. Everybody wore Christmas jumpers or fancy dress at SIL's request.

Same here and has been for a few years now, even before Covid.