Sons

I believe adult children behave as they we taught at home.

Sons or daughters, no difference.

Well that doesn't explain how one child in adulthood can be loving and giving when their sibling doesn't give a damn, when they were both taught the same at home Norah

You are lucky your children live in this country. My only child moved to Australia fifteen years ago.

Smileless2012

Well that doesn't explain how one child in adulthood can be loving and giving when their sibling doesn't give a damn, when they were both taught the same at home Norah

Each child is different, each absorbs their childhood differently. All our children are very different one to another, all taught in our home.

My son lives less than 20 miles away, I am lucky if I see him twice a year. His wife sadly does not believe in including family in their lives, but is happy with her own little unit, their daughter and work. They both work hard and very long hours, but do have days off occasionally. When I see my son it is only him, he usually takes me out for a couple of hours for a meal to celebrate Xmas and my birthday. I have not been to their home for 20 years, but do visit their work place to say hello if I pass which is not often, because they are always to busy and do not have time to make me welcome although the staff offer me a coffee. He is very generous with birthday and Christmas presents. HOWEVER I know if I struggled and asked for a favour it would get done. I have so far never asked but just know my son would be there for me. He will text if there is something he thinks I HAVE to know, like when my granddaughter passed her masters etc. but I am never invited. I miss them, but have a busy life doing voluntary work so life goes on. I personally think sons are very different to daughters. I see the similarity with most of my friends.

Ann29

When someone posts to say they don't get visits etc I don't think it is appropriate to say I get visits etc. I think that is rubbing salt into the wound. Slimswim I think triciaqanem saying is usually correct .

When somebody posts "there are a few things that I wonder " about other mothers and their sons, she's asking for an insight into other peoples experience.

triciaqanem

A sons a son till he has a wife, a daughter is a daughter all of your life. Never a more truer saying.

That is simply not true.

Both my own son and my son in law have been excellent sons since marriage.

This ridiculous saying perpetuates the myth because a son is a son for the whole of his life, regardless of whether he has a wife.

Aldom

triciaqanem

A sons a son till he has a wife, a daughter is a daughter all of your life. Never a more truer saying.

That is simply not true.

Both my own son and my son in law have been excellent sons since marriage.

My partner is one of 4 sons. They all visited their mum regularly when she was alive. One popped in everyday on his way home from work.

Smileless.

That is not true in my experience. Both my adult sons contact me regularly on WhatsApp or message. They visit with their families (including their lovely wives). My daughter on the other hand hasn't been in touch since she moved in with her controlling narcissistic BF. And I know plenty of mums of boys who have fantastic relationships with their adult sons.

I feel so lucky with my son and lovely dil. Granted I see less of them now my g’dtrs are teenagers but to be fair, lately they have been visiting various universities while the eldest tries to decide which ones to apply to. If they’re not doing that they are chauffeuring the girls to various friends’ houses. Their own social lives have taken a hit while they try to steer their daughters through this tricky time. I know they would come if I specifically needed something and we do try and get together once a fortnight. So different from when the g’dtrs were younger and grandparents were needed every day for school runs and occasional overnight stays.
I am sorry you feel the way you do, but parents have such busy lives. I agree with another poster who suggested actually asking them to bring wine or dessert. Or even just tell them nicely that you’d like to see more of them. Sometimes they are so wrapped in their own world they simply don’t realise how we feel.

triciaqanem

A sons a son till he has a wife, a daughter is a daughter all of your life. Never a more truer saying.

All children should grow up, become part to their new family. Some accomplish putting their partner and family first better than others.

Not sure I understand your post Norah?

Aldom

Not sure I understand your post Norah?

I was attempting posting that I don't believe the old saying "a son is a son til he has a wife, a daughter is a daughter the rest of your life."

Daft and untrue.

Oh, thank you for explaining.

Sorry Jackus about your hurt.
This sort of thing happens more often than people care to admit in families.

Especially when sons get married.

Perhaps joining a couple of groups may help you. Somewhere you can meet good, warm people and share your feelings.

All.the best
💐🤞😻
xxx

The poster was asking about other parents who see little of their sons, not to be smuggly told it is how the fault is how they were bought up.
Slim swim, it is not just sons that do what your son and his family do, it daughters too.
Jackus, cannot you just once initiate contact, tell your son how you miss him. You will lose nothing. Otherwise, if you can, try to get out, look at your local church notice board even if not a church goer or the library or supermarket notice boards.
It is do very selfish not checking up on his mother but it's very common.

Slimswim

Had trouble with a subject for this post as there are a few things that I wonder.

Does anyone else have a grown up son with a family who live close to them but only seem to message them when they want something (mainly babysitting?).

Happy to get invited for meals but very rarely reciprocate, don’t think to make a contribution or bring a bottle of wine.

Just wondering.

Perhaps don't babysit unless you actually have inclination.

I used to see eldest son practically weekly for years as he has always been within walking distance, not much for babysitting, I usually went to play with grandsons for a couple of hours to give their parents a break. Now it's gone gradually to every 2 months or so as GC are now grown. DiL's family would babysit a lot so it was shared.

The youngest son [a 20+minute drive away] I saw every 3 weeks or so, but he was working a lot of different shifts. Rarely babysat as the other GParents had them to sleep one night each week anyway. Now their children are getting older I see them about every 2 months.

I accept the change as health issues/work issues/kids clubs take so much time and energy. For me too as I don't have the energy I used to have. So it's all fine.

My family don't ask others for much, and usually wait until it's offered. Maybe that's why it worked.

I didn't grow up in a particularly close family. So it's a lovely surprise for me that our 2 sons are really close to us. They both are lucky to have lovely wives who I love to bits and get on really well with. They both live locally and contact us nearly every day (granted sometimes to arrange childcare for DGC, ask dad for help with work matters, help with DIY etc, but also to see how we are, especially if one of us hasn't been well). If we need help with something they are there for us, as we are for them. However, their wives and children are their priority, and that's exactly as it should be.

Ilovedogs22

butterandjam

5 years ago we moved long distance and are now 6 miles from one of our sons. He often drops in on the way home from work; invites us over for meals, they come here for meals. He helps us and we do the same for him. We see the GC teens changing almost weekly.

To have this ringside seat watching our little boy as a mature man skillfully juggling teenagers, partner, friends and aging parents , home, career , life is quite something. An unexpected delight of old age.

What a !ovely, heart-warming post butterandjam!
My four boys have all moved-out, so the peace and tidyness is still an utter a joy for myself & DH!
I too am so proud of them all & to watch my child with his child is magical! He's simply a natural & perfectly at ease with a rampant toddler on his lap. Lovely. Small wonderful blessings.😊

Ditto, but apparently we're not supposed to sat that.

How do you get on with your DIL, Slimswim?
Perhaps it's just that they're so busy, as so many young families are with working, children's activities etc.
It's good that they still come to visit.

I agree, it’s so hard sometimes and really upsets me as I want to be more involved but my daughter in laws Mum’s take priority. At times I’ve been quite hurt by it but not a lot I can do just smile and get on with it.

Childminded my son’s children and now I rarely see them. They live 5 mins away. It’s all about his wife’s family. They didn’t even bother with my husbands birthday last year. I’m asked to have them for a day in the summer holidays because they need childcare not because they want to visit. I know this is common but it hurts and I don’t know wether to move to the coast (which is what I would like) or stay so I see the grandchildren sometimes and they can call in when they are independent (if they do call in?)

butterandjam

Ann29

When someone posts to say they don't get visits etc I don't think it is appropriate to say I get visits etc. I think that is rubbing salt into the wound. Slimswim I think triciaqanem saying is usually correct .

When somebody posts "there are a few things that I wonder " about other mothers and their sons, she's asking for an insight into other peoples experience.

I agree with Ann29 here I think Slimswim is asking for insight into how other people with the same experience as her with her sons has dealt with a similar problem
She doesn’t need to hear what wonderful sons &;daughters for that matter are and how caring they are it is like rubbing salt into an open wound
I’m sure she is glad other people’s experiences are not the same as hers but it doesn’t help her with her problems just makes her feel worse about them.