Sons

My friend has a son like this.. I was at their house recently when the phone rang. His father said, what does he want now, he only calls when he wants something. Yet, they drop everything to babysit for them, even at short notice.

My advice is to speak to your son, OP and tell him how you’re feeling.

Ihave three sons all with PARTNERS, NEVER BRING ANYTHING TOWARDS EVENING MEAL BUT I ALWAYS TAKE SOMETHING FOR THEM WHEN I VISIT.

I afraid it’s a lot to do with DIL in my case. Mine is controlling and not a nice person. My son was a loving son who thought the world of us as we do him but she controls how much time he is free to visit us. We do all the babysitting & have them to diner an awful lot, her mum won’t help in any shape or form yet the red carpet goes out for her, whilst we are slowly edged away. I’m heartbroken

How do you feel about the situation Slimswim ? Do you think if you raised the questions they would stop asking you to babysit in which case you would see less of your grandchildren.
Also if you stopped inviting them for a meal they would not visit.
It is annoying and you probably feel you’re being used but sometimes you have to weigh up what’s most important .

We have one son who lives nearby and another further away; another is disabled. We appreciate that they are at the stage if their lives where they are working long hours and their weekends are busy catching up and relaxing. So if we invite them for lunch it's with that in mind, and I never expect them to bring anything. I'm just pleased to see them. I love that they're happy to chat when I ring, even if they don't always remember to ring me. I'm happy that they feel able to ring and ask me to babysit or collect the children from school.
When I had a cancer scare I didn't want to worry them, and was really touched to be scolded afterwards. They pointed out that they were adults and would have wanted to support me. We give and take in various ways and I'm happy with that.

I’ve four sons, three have wives, all four of them are different, I find that their wives tend to do the inviting and occasionally asking for babysitting help, more often I will offer if I know I’m free and their jobs overlap school hols. It can be a minefield I know.

That will have made the poster feel
a lot better! 🙁

I love my sons and try not to make it seen that I’m needy. But sometimes I feel that they’ve forgotten about my husband and me but I keep busy and treasure the times we have together.

triciaqanem

A sons a son till he has a wife, a daughter is a daughter all of your life. Never a more truer saying.

Can you hear me screaming?
I loathe this ridiculous saying.

We had 3 daughters, they are lovely, my brother had 4 sons they were a pain on the backside as kids and no better now in their 40s

Jackets- same here. I'm 75, brought my son up on my own, and went without, indulging him far too much. Now he has two children of his own I would love to be a part of his family but see them for 2 to 3 days a year (just before Christmas) and that's it. Hardly any contact otherwise, while they spend a great deal of time throughout the year with his in-laws (as well as Christmas). Bitter...hurt....angry...disappointed are just a few of the words that describe how I feel.

I just think sometimes we forget how busy family life is when parents are at work and children are young. If they are able to spare time to see you that's lovely. And as life gets less hectic and the children grow older, hopefully if good relationships have been maintained with some understanding they will have more time to spare. I don't think making demands on a busy working family is helpful. But being kind and helpful where possible sows seeds for the future. Daughter in law relationships can be tricky too, but with kindness again, understanding can grow.
I remember how difficult it was for me when I was younger and working full time, with my in laws when they liked us to visit weekly or fortnightly. We became close later, and that's how I am trying to nurture my children now.

Fae 1.

Fae1

Jackets- same here. I'm 75, brought my son up on my own, and went without, indulging him far too much. Now he has two children of his own I would love to be a part of his family but see them for 2 to 3 days a year (just before Christmas) and that's it. Hardly any contact otherwise, while they spend a great deal of time throughout the year with his in-laws (as well as Christmas). Bitter...hurt....angry...disappointed are just a few of the words that describe how I feel.

I'm sorry you're in this position 💐

I am happy to say that I share the same lovely relationship with my younger son as Butterandjam does with her son. Over the years we happily cared for our dgc on a regular basis and since my dh died this year his family have taken me and made me part of theirs. My other son would do the same but they live 200 miles north, they care for me by keeping in touch by email and Whatsapp. My dh and I set mutual ground rules early with our son and daughter in law. Like Butterandjam I have watched my son grow into a wonderful father and husband and count my blessings daily.

I would comment that agreeing to ground rules early on would not be on the cards for some dil or sons for that matter.
What exactly are these ground rules? its good luck to have a good dil, I consider I do, but her mother came first. Never been pushy but glad of the times we have together. You could be the best mother out but no one knows what the future holds. The poster wanted an insight as to how people manage in her situation not to know how perfect someone else's son is its like rubbing salt in the wound a bit, assuming she is lacking in some way.,
To the poster i wouldn't make a big deal out of it but if you get the opportunity just have a quiet word with your son and say you would love to see him more. The answer will be we are just so busy, nothing is wrong I expect. I gave friends who hardly see their children because they live the other side of the world.

When my mil was alive we would have her over nearly every Sunday. DH would ring her almost every other day. He was the perfect son - except it wasn’t him initiating this contact, it was me all of the time. Talking to friends it’s the same, it’s the women that make the arrangements and nag their husbands to call their mums.

But, this thread has made me reappraise the contact we have with our son. He calls us regularly and asks ridiculous questions, things that he can get the answers from Google for. I’ve realised it’s his way of staying in touch. We never contact him unless we have something specific to say or to invite him over. I will be making more effort to call him just to say hello.