How awful. I hope the host, your OH and other guests who disregarded you reflect on how appallingly you were treated.
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(65 Posts)Some people may remember I've had mobility issues for some time and have ended up needing a powerchair at home. I already had a mobility scooter for going out. I'm gradually now getting a bit of routine back in the house and achieving the odd thing. There are still issues - some corners are too tight. I've felt quite upbeat about achieving things and I enjoy being out on my scooter as it's freedom. But we still don't go out that much and it's always hassle planning and organising and checking places to go are accessible.
We haven't had much of a social life for a long time, although kept in text contact with various people but everyone's lives seemed to change after the pandemic. I invited some people we know round for a meal and the response was - come here as we have a social thing on x date. So this was the first time I had to negotiate going to someone else's house rather than public places and bigger spaces. I had already explained I used a powerchair now - we knew that wouldn;t work in someone else's house and a fairly large gathering. So I had to work out a plan. It was only a few steps from the door to the main room and I thought I could manage that as a one off, if there was a high enough chair I could sit on just inside the room. So I texted to politely ask if that would be possible in advance. No reply. I thought that was odd but thought they were maybe busy.
In hindsight I don't think I was expected to go at all - just my OH. His friends really. And it was "assumed" that I couldn';t possibly take a powerchair there and so probably wouldn;t be coming.
I had the most horrible experience all evening. At the door I had to wait until I could find out where I could sit down. The host came over to my partner, gushing, big hugs, lots of sympathy (he has also been unwell recently but better now), big thanks for the gifts (which were MY thoughts to take!). I was completely ignored. No eye contact, no approaching me - not even a hello. That moment was really horrible. I was completely blanked and invisible, standing there alone. I started to hobble forwards a bit, holding onto the wall and the host just called over there's a stool just inside the door. So my message had got through but I had that anxiety that maybe it hadn';t been seen as no response. That was a relief, I could sit down. And there I was stuck for the rest of the night. Not one single person spoke to me for over an hour and a half. The room was crowded - I didn't know many people. The host walked past me a few times and didn't say a word or stop for a chat. As it was so crowded OH had to go in another room to sit down. And didn't come back for ages. Eventually I had to ask someone to go and get him and ask him to get me a drink.
I sat there thinking. I'm still me but what is going on here - I was completely blanked. Was I supposed to have taken a hint and not turned up. It was hurful and humiliating. I might as well have been invisible. Eventually I butted into a conversation a couple of other people were having nearby as it was a topic I knew about and actually had some conversation. And then we had to leave.
It was such a bad experience I don't think I ever want to go to someone else's home again. And I think I need to make new friends. And leave the old ones behind. I'm very upset.
I'm glad you've talked to him and he knows what a horrible experience it was for you gentleshores.
Yes your husband had a more positive experience and enjoyed his evening- unfair for you but not his intention most likely. Initially that coloured his view and initially he did not understand your experience.
But now he does realise how awful it was for you. He also does now know you would not accept that you be left alone to be treated badly ever again on the occasions you socialise as a couple. When you socialise as a couple you look out for each other and check in with each other to see everything ok- particularly in your circumstances.
It's really difficult to stop ruminating and going over a bad experience when it hurt so much I know. But, thank goodness that evening is over. The main thing is to stop it happening again. That set of people won't divide you again because you won't be attending as a couple. Personally I wouldn't stop your husband going to see his friends, to lessen the potential of him feeling stifled or missing out. Plus, hopefully he won't want to repeat his mistakes again. The novelty of going on his own to visit friends who continue to show no interest in his lovely wife will no doubt soon wear off anyway, particularly if you are at home, planning nice things and treats for yourself. As you point out he was not all that keen to go in the first place.
There is no excuse for how those friends treated you but that's their problem. Heaven help themselves or any of their loved ones if they ever develop mobility or any other independence limiting issues- becomes increasingly common as we age for one reason or another.
You come across as a thoughtful empathic person- not everyone is. You come across as a thoughtful loving wife, trying to help your husband adapt to his retirement. He's lucky to have such a thoughtful wife. Retirement takes time to adjust for both of you.
I can’t understand how people can be so uncaring and insensitive. I’d like to say try not to overthink it ( a phrase that my physio recently used and which I’m trying to adhere to) but, to be honest I’d be feeling exactly the same.
Thank you all. @MayBee70 I'm aware that things knock me much harder these days, especially when feeling vulnerable. But I also know it was wrong and I didn't deserve it. Hopefully in the next few days, the feelings will wear off a bit - but I'm left with additional pain I didn't have when I went and that makes it harder.
Very rude and uncaring hosts and their guests and a little remiss of your DH to leave you on your own.
Don’t give up though, do go out, do enjoy yourself, don’t become a prisoner in your own home. Sending love and good luck 
BlueBelle
I think I would have rung for a taxi after the first hour and double locked the front door when I got in
Let him sleep in the car
Me too
Terrible experience for you. Some people do feel awkward when encountering anyone with a disability. The hosts should have been proactive to ensure you were included whether by intoductions or making your seating visible. Your husband seems to have taken any part in accompanying you almost as if he didn't want you there. Think I'd be bypassing any contact with any other of his "friends" and would let him know just how he ignored you. You may not have many oytings but being more selective those you do manage to attend will likely be more enjoyable.
If your Husband wants you to go to a party with him again , tell him to stuff it ! Did he not notice that people where avoiding talking to you ?
The OPs experience was entirely her partners fault he should have stayed close and included her in the conversations, it can be very difficult if you are not mobile enough to circulate and crowded parties are certainly not easy.
Powerchairs are OK in your own home, you can place stuff so that it’s not in the way, they can be a nightmare if enough space for doorways is not allowed.
I had a very rude friend years ago who was very self entitled. I saw her last week (she is now in her 70s) and she could hardly put one foot in front of the other as she left the cafe I was entering. If we are lucky it comes to us later, if we are unlucky it comes to us earlier, but consideration and compassion for all those with limited mobility goes a very long way to making one a good human being.
What makes people so rude? If we are out (even if it's a cafe) and someone is on their own I try to include them. That host certainly didn't have any manners. I hope that in time it doesn't worry you so much. Karma does come around.
It gets worse! I've now had a text showing photos of us from a few years ago when we were there. Before I had mobility issues. How insensitive is that - here's a reminder of what you were like before you had a few years of suffering.
gentleshores
It gets worse! I've now had a text showing photos of us from a few years ago when we were there. Before I had mobility issues. How insensitive is that - here's a reminder of what you were like before you had a few years of suffering.
...and just what the heck was that supposed to be about?
I can't think of any positive reasons for doing that sort of thing. They've certainly not got an ounce of empathy by the sound of it. It sounds like they have their own little "picture" in their mind of "how Life is" and everyone has to slot into that. If they don't slot into that - then they just pretend to themselves that they have. I don't suppose for one second the thought has crossed their mind re how you felt at their party. A host is supposed to ensure - as far as they can - that everyone feels comfortable and finds a couple of people they can resonate with on some level to chat to.
I've got a local shopkeeper friend who makes a better fist of it in her shop - and, as she's serving any refreshments desired (paid for by us if we choose to have them) she's introducing Person A to Person B and telling people what they have in common with each other (ie "You both are into x/y/z" and cue for both people can then chat with each other/find out what else they might have in common). ......and that's a shop....not a party...though things have been known to turn rather party-like there occasionally....
CariadAgain
gentleshores
It gets worse! I've now had a text showing photos of us from a few years ago when we were there. Before I had mobility issues. How insensitive is that - here's a reminder of what you were like before you had a few years of suffering.
...and just what the heck was that supposed to be about?
I can't think of any positive reasons for doing that sort of thing. They've certainly not got an ounce of empathy by the sound of it. It sounds like they have their own little "picture" in their mind of "how Life is" and everyone has to slot into that. If they don't slot into that - then they just pretend to themselves that they have. I don't suppose for one second the thought has crossed their mind re how you felt at their party. A host is supposed to ensure - as far as they can - that everyone feels comfortable and finds a couple of people they can resonate with on some level to chat to.
I've got a local shopkeeper friend who makes a better fist of it in her shop - and, as she's serving any refreshments desired (paid for by us if we choose to have them) she's introducing Person A to Person B and telling people what they have in common with each other (ie "You both are into x/y/z" and cue for both people can then chat with each other/find out what else they might have in common). ......and that's a shop....not a party...though things have been known to turn rather party-like there occasionally....
Yes maybe it's just denial - unless it's some kind of passive aggressive way of saying - you were out of touch for a while (but then we weren't invited for a while!). Maybe some people had an easy pandemic, but we didn't. Bereavements, health issues and all sorts and we're a bit older than them as well.
Your shop sounds lovely.
The people who invited you really do not! sound like nice people, they sound nasty and selfish!( I could quite a lot worse) makes my blood boil when I hear stories like this, and then to send txt pics to sow what you used! to be like! shocking, cross them out of your lives, block them completely
I'm finding it hard to get my mojo back before Christmas now - I had so many little bits and pieces to do and was ready to be relaxed and enjoy things, and now I'm stuck in bed in pain and haven't done them (I need to pace myself). And it all feels flat. I never know if the pain will ease in a few days or a few weeks. Really need to get myself out of this misery funk after it. But it's a bit difficult when you;re just sitting in bed.
Oh gentleshores - what a horrible experience - I have been ignored at parties, not because I have a disability , but for other reasons.
It’s one of those nights. Just can’t sleep …….
I'm in a better frame of mind now and feeling more magnanimous. It's not their fault I'm disabled and clearly some people just don't know how to handle it. It was still extremely hurtful. But the issue really was we got our logistics wrong. And there was a lack of communication before we went and with OH when we got there. I knew as soon as I got in the door, we should have brought the wheelchair in (we had left it in the car as not sure how crowded it would be and I thought it would only be a short distance to hobble.. The distance to walk to a seat in the room was too far for me. Hence I was just standing there wondering how I was going to cope and OH was whisked off. So the whole thing was a disaster - but I'm the one left with the pain now and upset. I'm getting over the upset but am still stuck in bed with pain after trying to walk a bit too far. I should have been in the wheelchair. It's done now. It was all chaos and rushed (and that is OH sometimes). He is also very forgetful since his heart thing which doesn't help. So I will put it down to experience. And have to accept Christmas is ruined and I will be in bed and not seeing the tree we just put up. And have replied to the lady's message and photos and just explained we didn't quite get our logistics right this time and should have brought the wheelchair indoors, and we'll know differently another time, and wished them a happy Christmas. They should also have come to the door to greet us which would have been an opportunity to discuss whether or not it would work bringing the wheelchair in. As it was I got stranded, ignored and overdid things and am now suffering for it. But it's the season of goodwill so I;ve forgiven everyone and will have to learn to advocate for myself more in future - even if it means shouting and looking embarrasing.
Your ' friends ' should be ashamed of themselves ! I have no patience with people who don't know ' what to say ' if they are with someone has a disability. Utterly ridiculous.
Why do you say Christmas is ruined?
You seem like a very determined person and I do hope you get some positivity back and not allow these horrible people to ruin your Christmas.
Some people just can't handlechange but you seem to have grasped it head on and good for you.
Maybe you can start and host things in your own home with nicer people and send OH out for the day to sulk because he sounds pretty horrible too and you deserve to be treated better.
Please don't allow any of them to spoil your Christmas, unless you really want it to and then I wouldn't blame you either!
Have as good a Christmas as you can. Sounds like you've figured out a suitable "plan of action" for future occasions. So hopefully there'll be no further episodes like this. Maybe just put it down to their (and your husbands!) thoughtlessness. Some people are rather "young" (emotionally speaking) and need a bit of "educating" on appropriate ways to behave in these circumstances and may not be bad people per se - just "young" and thoughtless.
Am so sorry you had to go through this. We became suddenly exposed to a world where disabilities are not always accommodated when my OH became disabled early this year. Has taken us ages to get to grips with this steep learning curve and I imagine you and your OH are in a similar situation.
Choose your friends carefully, make sure your needs will be accommodated in any social situation ahead of time, and make sure both your OH and yourself are on the same page. Perhaps you both had unrealistic expectations of this social occasion. Is easy to do.
I wish you both all the best with this, a social life is possible but planning is essential because not all so called friends will consider your needs.
Xx
keepingquiet
Why do you say Christmas is ruined?
You seem like a very determined person and I do hope you get some positivity back and not allow these horrible people to ruin your Christmas.
Some people just can't handlechange but you seem to have grasped it head on and good for you.
Maybe you can start and host things in your own home with nicer people and send OH out for the day to sulk because he sounds pretty horrible too and you deserve to be treated better.
Please don't allow any of them to spoil your Christmas, unless you really want it to and then I wouldn't blame you either!
Thank you., You're all wonderful and kind and understand. I said it's ruined Christmas because I'm stuck in bed now in pain and can't do my usual few steps between the stairlift and the powerchair. I'm haivng to prioritise going to the loo - and that leaves me with horrible burning pain. It's not too bad if I stay on top of the bed.
But I agree it doesn't have to mean Christmas is ruined. Yes my plans for these days have gone out of the window. I was looking forward to marzipanning the Christmas cake I had made, and making some mince pies. Both quite an effort but I wanted to do it and it always leaves me with a feeling of achievement and satisfaction.
I've accepted now that it's the way it is - I won't marzipan the cake - we'll just have it as a fruit cake. Mincemeat will last till next year. There are other treats in the freezer. OH can wrap the Christmas presents and put them under the tree.
We're supposed to be going out for Christmas lunch at a hotel on Christmas day and I really don't want to miss that. But if OH pushes me in a manual chair from the stairlift to the car (and then I stay on my scooter) then I should manage it ok - don't really want to miss my Christmas dinner but see how it goes.
Edit sorry the burning pain is in my knees after going to the loo (means walking a few feet) not elsewhere!
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