Help - ignored

And now he's upset me again. Am I being unreasonable here? Because I'm now stuck in bed in pain and hoping that by resting up I will manage Christmas Day, I decided to just accept I am not going to be marzipanning the Christmas cake I made, and I said to OH yesterday, we'll just have the cake without it being decorated - he and grandson only peel the marzipan off anyway and the important thing is a nice piece of home made Christmas cake with good ingredients. Today he suddenly started pestering me about marzipanning the Christmas cake and decorating it. I said I already said I'm not up to it and it's the least of my worries. He said he meant he could do it. I said the point of it was not that it needed doing, but it was something for me to look forward to doing, as I have done for most of the last 17 years, and because it's good for me to do the odd thing like that with my restrictions and feel I've achieved something. Somebody doing it for me just feels worse than not doing it at all. He still didn't stop and said - well just so it looks Christmassy. Christmassy! Aargh. I said we have a Christmas tree, that looks Christmassy - I'm in pain, I have had to cancel everything and it's just a cake - there are other Christmassy things. So ok I'm maybe still feeling a bit sensitive, and maybe some people would think that is helpful of him but I don't want him doing my favourite jobs. He's usually the one who says - just buy a Christmas cake. And nobody really eats much of it some years! So I'm upset again and I'm trying to relax and keep positive. He thinks a Christmassy looking Christmas cake is more important than me? That's what it feels like - also this feeling that he is making me feel not needed and irrelevant. It's my job! I invented our style of Christmas decoration. I wanted to do it myself or not at all! Is that unreasonable? I've been asking him to wrap presents - now that would be helpful! But he keeps forgetting. Sorry to whinge. Somehow I've got upset over the Christmas cake I baked now. It was my little project. I used to make one every year, but the last few years we bought one and not only was it very expensive, it wasn't as good. So my project this year, because I am so restricted - was to make my christmas cake - and it was a joint effort, he helped me with some of the chopping etc I couldn't do.

It feels like someone is stealing my recipes! Maybe I should let him do it but it feels like giving up what little bit of autonomy I have left.

Can you wrap some presents in bed gentleshores if he gave you the paper and sellotape?
I haven't read in other posts what condition you have. DD1 has ME and chronic fatigue so I am aware how difficult life is with mobility restrictions.

It has been an achievement to make the cake. I expect his marzipanning and icing of it wouldn't be as good as yours, but to me it sounds like he is trying to help or just share the christmas preparations although it may not seem like that to you. Your life sounds hard and you are not happy. I have every sympathy.

HelterSkelter1

Can you wrap some presents in bed gentleshores if he gave you the paper and sellotape?
I haven't read in other posts what condition you have. DD1 has ME and chronic fatigue so I am aware how difficult life is with mobility restrictions.

It has been an achievement to make the cake. I expect his marzipanning and icing of it wouldn't be as good as yours, but to me it sounds like he is trying to help or just share the christmas preparations although it may not seem like that to you. Your life sounds hard and you are not happy. I have every sympathy.

Thank you. Yes I can wrap some Christmas presents in bed if they are fetched over to me. I thought it would be nice to do some together. I did say to him it got me stressed that he kept going on about marzipanning the Christmas cake and tried to explain I'm trying to focus on getting out on Christmas day and prioritising and it will only upset me not being able to go and do it myself when I'd just accepted it would do and there were more important things. I think I got through. I suppose I struggle a bit with the idea that he doesn't find me necessary in the kitchen any more.

I was actually feeling a bit happier after the big setback - I had been doing retail therapy online and ordered a new top to wear on Christmas day and had already worked everything out re food. So just wanted to relax a bit.

I don't want someone feeling sorry for me - I want someone to agree with me! :-) That yes my current needs are more important than marzipanning a Christmas cake. Which is how it feels. And I know I'm being sensitive but that's because I'm in pain.

You need to get better pain medication- having to deal with pain makes me grumpy but I always reach for the paracetomol in the first instance.
To say you don't care about the cake you do seem to be quite focussed on it, and it seems DH was trying to relieve you of that burden-so why not let him?
I hate present wrapping so delegating that job would be bliss for me- can't you get someone else to help?
I would let DH do the cake and then ask for more help with the wrapping.
I think I have asked before if you have wider family who may be able to help?
You say you are struggling with not being necessary in the kitchen anymore- I think some changes and adjustments have to be made but these do take time. It isn't easy after a lifetime of kitchen things, to feel as if it's no longer your space, I do understand that but maybe DH has always longed to be in there? Give him a chance to be happy too.
I really do hope you try to relax and enjoy Christmas- it isn't always about everything going like clockwork. Often it is messy and frustrating but that's life... it will all be over soon anyway.

It's resolved now - the cake is not being marzipanned - it's too late, there are too many other things to do (and pace is slow) and I had already decided that two days ago. I don't have time to do a cookery class. You maybe need to read the start of the thread to see why I was upset.

As for pain relief - I wish. Anything strong enough would have me addicted. Paracetamol doesn't touch it. Six weeks of not standing or walking usually gets it to subside, and then I have to live within my limitations again and also have a lot more muscle wastage by then.

I am so sad, sorry and also angry to read about your experience gentleshores. The ideal thing would have been for your husband to do the preparation for you as these are his friends.

When I had a get-together one year, one of my neighbours is permanently in a wheelchair. His wife came round the day before to measure up to see if his chair would go through our front door (it wouldn't), so we looked at my side access and the patio doors, and worked out how we could get him into the house.

On the evening, she brought ramps with her and he was able to come into the house in his own comfortable wheelchair and enjoy the evening with the rest of us.

If there's another occasion in someone else's house (not necessarily these horrible thoughtless "friends"), perhaps your husband could do the prep work beforehand to ensure that you are comfortable and can manage. That would be the considerate thing to do.

Sparklefizz

I am so sad, sorry and also angry to read about your experience gentleshores. The ideal thing would have been for your husband to do the preparation for you as these are his friends.

When I had a get-together one year, one of my neighbours is permanently in a wheelchair. His wife came round the day before to measure up to see if his chair would go through our front door (it wouldn't), so we looked at my side access and the patio doors, and worked out how we could get him into the house.

On the evening, she brought ramps with her and he was able to come into the house in his own comfortable wheelchair and enjoy the evening with the rest of us.

If there's another occasion in someone else's house (not necessarily these horrible thoughtless "friends"), perhaps your husband could do the prep work beforehand to ensure that you are comfortable and can manage. That would be the considerate thing to do.

Thank you so much. We did take a mini threshold ramp. But yes it was the conversation needed with the "friends" before going and that threw me to not have that. That conversation should have happened.

Your hosts were bad at hosting. I hope you did not have to stay there long before deciding you had enough of their scratchy behaviour.
There may have been some congenial people among the guests, but the place seems to have been overcrowded and you can't have met everyone present due to overcrowding.
It is a host's foremost duty to introduce people to people. But some hosts do not know this simple fact.

gentleshores

And now he's upset me again. Am I being unreasonable here? Because I'm now stuck in bed in pain and hoping that by resting up I will manage Christmas Day, I decided to just accept I am not going to be marzipanning the Christmas cake I made, and I said to OH yesterday, we'll just have the cake without it being decorated - he and grandson only peel the marzipan off anyway and the important thing is a nice piece of home made Christmas cake with good ingredients. Today he suddenly started pestering me about marzipanning the Christmas cake and decorating it. I said I already said I'm not up to it and it's the least of my worries. He said he meant he could do it. I said the point of it was not that it needed doing, but it was something for me to look forward to doing, as I have done for most of the last 17 years, and because it's good for me to do the odd thing like that with my restrictions and feel I've achieved something. Somebody doing it for me just feels worse than not doing it at all. He still didn't stop and said - well just so it looks Christmassy. Christmassy! Aargh. I said we have a Christmas tree, that looks Christmassy - I'm in pain, I have had to cancel everything and it's just a cake - there are other Christmassy things. So ok I'm maybe still feeling a bit sensitive, and maybe some people would think that is helpful of him but I don't want him doing my favourite jobs. He's usually the one who says - just buy a Christmas cake. And nobody really eats much of it some years! So I'm upset again and I'm trying to relax and keep positive. He thinks a Christmassy looking Christmas cake is more important than me? That's what it feels like - also this feeling that he is making me feel not needed and irrelevant. It's my job! I invented our style of Christmas decoration. I wanted to do it myself or not at all! Is that unreasonable? I've been asking him to wrap presents - now that would be helpful! But he keeps forgetting. Sorry to whinge. Somehow I've got upset over the Christmas cake I baked now. It was my little project. I used to make one every year, but the last few years we bought one and not only was it very expensive, it wasn't as good. So my project this year, because I am so restricted - was to make my christmas cake - and it was a joint effort, he helped me with some of the chopping etc I couldn't do.

It feels like someone is stealing my recipes! Maybe I should let him do it but it feels like giving up what little bit of autonomy I have left.

Ma
Maybe 'he' does not like Christmassy stuff and therefore understandably takes no interest in it.
I speak from experience----I minimise the Xmas pressures as much as I can and would not even consider a special Xmas cake., or even a bird or a joint. My relations are much the same as me, fortunately.

I have a lot of time for religious Xmas traditions despite I'm atheist, But I am good at resisting the other traditions of over eating and over spending.

I suppose also that it's that I'm not permanently in a wheelchair (yet!) skews peoples thinking, including my own sometimes. But apart from a few steps between chair and wheelchair or bedroom and stairlift, I can't really walk - but have worked things around my own environment and this was a different house.

Hindsight is that we absolutely should have taken the wheelchair in, and used it. But if someone I rely on to get it disappears...... I did have my folding mobility scooter there - got to the house on that and then it was folded and lifted inside), but I couldn't bring myself to go up someone else's hallway on a mobility scooter without a discussion first, and I couldn't have the discussion because I was ignored!

I have said to OH if we are ever ever in that situation again, please please check I have everything needed before any social convention - that can wait.

I have about got over the stress of it but had the most awful week in pain not being able to do a thing and that is likely to continue for another few weeks at least. Another 6 weeks in bed - I try and avoid it getting that bed obviously and need to live within my limitations. It's always scary in case "this time" it doesn't improve with rest.

getting that bad not bed