Feeling guilty

I was going to suggest you introduce her to Cruse or another bereavement counselling.
It wasn't for me when DH died but some find great comfort.

You shouldn't feel guilty.

My friends and acquaintances were good to me but I didn't depend on just one.

My husband died 3 years ago and I was struggling in the months after his death And I was aware that I couldn’t keep burdening friends and family with my problems, I joined an online widows group and was put in touch with a lady who lived locally in the same situation.
We met a few times and she bombarded me with messages day and night. It was very much a one way street, aswell as her grief she had financial problems with his family and wanted my help and support. I just couldn’t give it so had to say I wasn’t emotionally in a good place to help her or be her friend.
She didn’t take it well. But I was surprised to hear about 6 months after her husband died she had moved to Tenerife to live with a man she met on holiday. So I stopped feeling guilty.
Sometimes you have to think of your own mental wellbeing.

You might try a direct approach. As soon as you meet up,
you say " Nice to see a friendly face, I 've been feeling really down and need cheering up ; shall we (take a walk/go to the library/ feed the ducks Some limited -time activity)

But the moment she starts offloading woe you jump in and say " Sorry, like I said today I 've got my own worries. I need something to make me smile.

and if she carries on about herself , you ruthlessly interrupt mid sentence and say " Linda, I've got such a headache and
I'm just going to go home on my own right now."

Aveline

Thanks all. This lady doesn't talk about her late husband. She talks about how she is feeling all the time. She does go out and about a lot. It's not just this class that she goes to. Maws suggestion about going to different places is a good one. I've found all sorts of local activities and made suggestions but we always come round to how she's feeling. It's great when others join us and talk about what they've been up to but she will interrupt and get back to herself. It feels quite rude at times. Och she's a poor soul. I'll just have to put up with it and try to avoid my impulse to avoid her.

Put a limit on these sessions Aveline for your own well being.

Oddly enough I have a friend who’s DH died a year ago, and I try and mention him ( as we knew him, and he was a really nice guy) which my friend appreciates, as often friends try to deliberately not mention him for fear of invoking tears.
But she doesn’t mention how she’s feeling at all and doesn’t appear miserable in company.I wouldn’t mind at all if she did of course.She has joined several interest groups and seems ok but maybe that’s what works for her.

You do say she’s a nice lady and maybe this is her way of processing her grief. Nevertheless you can only take so much. I think I’d miss out on one or two coffee sessions so I didn’t listen to so much in each week. Also, mention my own worries, interrupting her if necessary, so that she can see she’s not the only one suffering. And strongly suggest she thinks about some therapy support if she’s feeling that awful. One thing I’ve heard of that seems to help is to schedule your ‘grieving time’ and outside of these set times each day, you try hard to put on a brave face and be cheerful. She might want to consider that. There’s only so much you can give to someone like this and if she’s a new friend, maybe consider also, that she was naturally a very negative person even before her bereavement. This may give you a different perspective.

Yes maybe suggest,gently, the proffessional councelling?- if she cant afford privately could she ask her Doctor if they could arrange anything on NHS? Just explain to her you really dont think you're qualified for the kind of help she needs at this stage, but that you're happy to help her find a counsellor, or just have a coffee once a week after class, so long as you dont have to give advice,as you arent qualified to.& i would stick to once a week and other days leave straight after class, saying you have things to do.Can you not arrange privately(without the 'clingy' friend hearing) with those other ladies to meet them separately from your other friend? Maybe take their phone numbers to arrange that?

I am sure she needs to talk about things right now, but that can be very wearing on the person they choose to listen.It does seem like she needs a counsellor for that.Maybe after a few weeks into councelling she will be a bit 'lighter' & ready to enjoy a friendship.

RosiesMaw...talking about the departed is the one way she has of keeping him alive, those who have not been in that sad situation may not “get it”

100% correct. Talking about her own feelings too is foremost in her mind, for now.
It took me well into 2nd year before I could see the wood for the trees...
Best you drop being friends if that's how you feel.

I have been that lady.
Now, looking back after 15 years I wish someone had helped me not to 'wallow'. That's not the right word but you get my meaning?
The idea to schedule your grieving time is good.
It's a terrible period, and she may have lost a lot of her interests and mojo during his long illness.
I would suggest, if you want to stay friends, suggest outings where there other topics will naturally arise.
Let her sometimes talk about it. The first and second years are horrible; especially the second year, in my experience, is even worse.

Or encourage her to go to her GP as she may be grieving or she may have become depressed.
Suggest local support centers that do activities?

It's difficult for both of you. She needs help to live again when, sometimes, she won't know how to, or admitting she wants to can feel disloyal.
So many friends disappear after bereavement.
I think you have to honestly ask yourself if you are, underneath it all, good enough friends that you really want to be there for the long-haul.

I have a friend like that. After her bereavement she would ring sometimes late at night and talk about it for hours.
I felt that I was doing my bit as a friend and letting her unburden herself. It took a while but she has recovered enough to discuss other things now so glad I was patient.

She has since patiently listened to me when I had an upsetting problem.

The good news is that she has now found a bereavement group for ladies. I'm hoping that she gets what help she needs from that although it's hard to know what that might be. At least it's a good forum for her to meet others in the same boat.
I'll keep going in the classes and maybe go for coffee afterwards once a week and see how that goes.

Maybe try a kind silence when she outputs rather than trying to respond
Then maybe say I'm sorry I don't kmow what to say but I feel for you ..... I think slowing it down will give her head space to maybe recognise what's happening
Or, 'is there anything I can do or say to help your grief'
Get number for bereavement councilling. I think Cruise is one L
I do understand. Iv been a bit vocal with ptsd it's left me with guilt. But found out my true friends

Aveline Just for clarification, how long ago did her husband die? You said it was last year but, technically, that's less than three weeks ago...

Sorry just read your post above. That's good. And yes it is Cruse Bereavment
The actually talking out loud to a designated person maybe helpful rather than just writing only as when writing, we get more into 'I had that' 'I was like this or that too'. Both had its merits.

Some people find talking lets it all out. Counselling doesn’t necessarily help because you are told to talk about things and not bottle it up. It’s a hard one because I talk too much but only when asked. I care about other people’s feelings and how they are and talk about their lives. Don’t judge her. Yes think about yourself. Life’s hard work and give people a break. You don’t know how completely ignoring someone because you don’t want to hear it affects people. There’s a lot of people who never are your true friends. That’s why there is so much loneliness in this world

One can only imagine her pain. Talking over and over again is truly important and cathartic. Listening is a skill. It is going to happen to us all at some point to be widowed or a widower. I used to Volunteer for Cruse but they are now overwhelmed. You could suggest that to her ??? No one ever knows what panther is thinking. It's a truly truly amazingly kind thing you are doing.

Her husband died last summer after a long and difficult illness. She doesn't talk about him much, more about herself and how she's feeling. I'm hoping the bereavement group provides more appropriate support than I can.
I was struck when another poster pointed out that she's a relatively new friend for me and she may always have been like this. Good point.

RosiesMawagain

I wonder if I was that person too after Paw died, one’s perspective just changes.
Don’t withdraw your support but look for alternatives to coffee- fuelled heart to hearts.
Maybe a trip to the cinema, (not a “weepie” film) or to a shopping centre or a gallery maybe in another town/city.
Something to give you something else to focus on.
Also, ration your time in as tactful way as you can. Maybe rope in another sympathetic friend. Loneliness after losing your life partner can be crippling.
I was once told off on GN for “going on “ about Paw in my grief, that was harsh and hurt, only compounding my misery, loneliness and isolation.

How terrible that you should have been told off. I am lucky that I still have my husband but I know that I will be devastated for a long time if anything happens to him and I will want to keep him alive in any way I can. There are gentler ways to tactfully indicate that you may need to focus on other things if you can but not everybody can do that. You just need time and everybody's needs are different.

OP, decide for yourself how much time you want to dedicate to being a shoulder and only give that amount of time. The suggestion to find other ways to be together where the focus on something else is also a good idea. It will also give you something else to talk about as a distraction from her grief. It would be sad for your friend if you distance her altogether if there is another way of doing it but you do not to think of your own self preservation without guilt.

It's important to understand how much good you are doing by listening to someone suffering from bereavement.
When my DH died I told nobody about how I felt. It was bottled inside me. When he was ill and diagnosed as terminal I tried to talk to my mum but she only wanted to discuss things personal to her.
The result of not talking resulted in five years of painful eczema that the consultant said was likely due to stress as I'd never had it before.
If you can bear it please be a listener. You will be helping someone enormously.

My best friend goes back 50+ years so I know most things about her and her late husband. She was bereaved 6 years ago and just cannot move on. She does not speak about her bereavement when we are in a group with others but when we are alone it is all she wants to speak about. I hear the same things over and over again. It is hard but she loves those sessions. I let her have one day max 2 a week, the rest of the time I make sure we have other people around us when we meet. I am very fond of her and she is of me, but even then it is very hard to sit for what at times can be most of the day as she never wants to leave. I emphasise with you but I would refer her to a counsellor or ask her to write a daily gratitude diary about her feelings which is a great way to offload and then look back to see how you eventually move on. We all know how hard it is to move on and being bereaved is one of the most awful experience most of us go through at least once.

Don't feel guilty. You have been kind and listened. But you have no obligation to continue doing this constantly and indefinitely. What she is asking of you is unfair to you, even if she cannot help it. I would try to gently distance yourself a bit.

I have a friend who frequently interrups or brings group conversations back to herself. When it starts, I simply say "I want to hear the rest of what "Jane" was saying" or "Let's get back on topic - it's an interesting one" and if it starts to get negative, "Oh, sorry to hear that, but let's try to keep this time together fun and positive".

I too have been that person - 18 months ago my DH had a cardiac arrest. He did survive, but for months it was all I could talk about. Eventually a dear friend pointed out that I was suffering from post traumatic stress, and that I should seek professional support. I saw my GP, and she signposted me to some excellent services. Maybe you could be that friend, and suggest that your widowed friend should speak to her GP? My friend approached it by saying that I was clearly still very traumatised by the experience, and that my unhappiness was not resolving, and maybe my doctor could help.

It’s difficult. Over the years I’ve supported my sister through her husbands affairs and subsequent divorce. She has constantly said the same things over and over again. Sometimes when I’ve needed a bit of advice she listens but then turns it around to her again. I’ve still got contact but keep visits to a minimum.