Going with a friend

I hate being tied to an arrangement, especially with someone I don't really know that well. So the prospect of lift sharing for example wouldn't please me at all.

Topical subject for me. I have a friend I go to cinema, theatre and music events with. We alternate who books, who drives so it’s a shared and enjoyable thing to do.
I’m increasingly avoiding events with people who don’t share the planning, booking and travel but leave me to do it, I’d rather go alone than always be the responsible one

I'd hate to be tied to a regular commitment, though a class of some kind on my own would be OK. If you commit to going with somebody it means that you can't change your mind if you don't feel like doing it, without letting somebody down.
I often babysit for my daughter on Thursdays, but she always asks and would never expect me to do it.
I'd tell your friend that you often go somewhere else beforehand or afterwards, it's a bit cheeky for her to assume you'll fall into line RosiesMawagain.

nadateturbe

I don't often post but I felt I had to answer you Rosie. I think I would be halfway honest and say I'm not very good at driving with company, and it's my chill time. And smile and say you hope she understands. Otherwise you're stuck with it. I have M.E. and have told a cousin I can't collect her for family meetups. We're still on good terms.

I feel the same and think maybe you could say 'I like to drive alone as I need to concentrate, I've always been like that' or something similar. I find if you make excuses and say 'I have to take something back or need to visit my Aunt or whatever, if she is that type, she will happily expect to go with you !!!
As for her giving you lifts, tell her that's really really kind but you prefer going under your own steam in case you need to leave early for an appt/visit/not feeling tip top and that you would feel awful if she had to leave early because of you. I imagine that would be the truth anyway.Your car, your rules, if you are straight from the beginnin g there shouldn't be any unpleasant misunderstandings later on !

J52

I’m happy to go on my own, particularly shopping. I never seem to get what I want when I’m with others.
Although I’d be happy to go to the theatre or cinema on my own, have a dear friend and as our tastes are similar we often go together and have lunch beforehand. Fortunately she, like me is silent during performances.
I sometimes go with four other friends which is not always as good, although they are lovely people.

I used to have a friend with MS who was not very good on her feel and liked me to take her out shopping in central London as she could then take a wheelchair. In theory this was fine and I was happy to do it to help her, but in practice the whole outing always had to be totally about her, she got stroppy if I wanted to look at something for myself, even quickly.
I should add that I was working full-time and had to book a day of my leave to be able to take her. In the end, having taken her out for a day every month for a while, I decided that I didn't want to sacrifice days with my family on holiday.

sorry, "not very good on her feet"

I'm not really comfortable doing things on my own but this has become a necessity since my DH passed away. I don't have any friends nearby just a few acquaintances and have only recently made a couple of cinema/theatre trips on my own.. I didn't speak to anybody and felt like a fish out of water and as if I stood out like a sore thumb especially during the intervals. I would love to go on holiday on my own and have been looking at single brochures lately. Almost did it last year but chickened out at the last moment. It will be 4 yrs this summer for me so maybe this will be the year.

Your friend sounds quite selfish and ungrateful cc
I quite enjoy shopping on my own so sometimes don’t tell Mum or my DD’s where I’m going!
I have been to the theatre or cinema on my own where it didn’t appeal to anyone else to go, it was fine.
To the OP I think you’ll just have to go with the flow but if you join another group then not tell her?

I usually go to things with friends or a group, but occassionally go to the cinema on my own, which I enjoy.

Last year I joined a community choir and was made welcome but most of the people there were with friends and I don’t like to intrude on people, but chat cheerily if I’m spoken to.
I gave it a year but didn’t really feel that I fitted in. Felt awkward at times and didn’t participate in travelling to arranged gigs as I didn’t want to travel alone. None of my friends were interested in joining so it did feel quite lonely.

I didn’t re-join in September and haven’t regretted it, although I love singing.

My DIL ‘s mum has been widowed for the last 14 yrs at the age of 54. She is the loveliest lady but is shy to go anywhere by herself.
She did go on a cruise last year on her own for two weeks on a very large liner and hated every moment.
If she lived near me I would take her along to the different clubs/groups I belong to.

Calendargirl

RosiesMaw

Perhaps you can compromise, share lifts occasionally, but state tactfully but firmly that sometimes, you need to go alone to do other stuff.

I'd suggest a compromise too, saying sometimes you prefer to go on after something else or stop off somewhere else afterwards. Once you've tried travelling together and seen whether she mixes with your other friends or not it will determine how often you choose to travel alone. At least you'll both have options if one of your cara has problems.

Lovely stories from all you independent Gransnetters. It's making feel like I'm not so odd. I have friends who are great company at exhibitions, theatre, films etc because they are well informed and I enjoy the visit more. But I wouldn't miss something I wanted to see because I had to go alone, and I like my own company too.

Sometimes I go places with others as a means of spending time with them, not expecting to get too much out of the visit. Including the ones who can't walk far but can browse the shop for ages - then need coffee because they need to sit down . I think we have to be careful not to find ourselves being used as 'props' for others - including those who no longer want to drive (or drive at night).

I don't mind eating on my own - especially somewhere I can watch the world go by. I have even started to brave the pub - I like pubs - I like the convivial atmosphere and they often have better food than cafes. And you definitely don't have to drink alcohol these days. People seem more willing to chat and it is a more mixed range of people. And its not unusual to be alone in a pub.

DDs are both single and don't think twice about doing things alone. I like to think I set them a good example - that women can move independently around the world just as men can. Society conditions women to think that they are vulnerable or incapable of navigating the outside world. I wonder if a group of men would ever have this conversation?

Like you RosiesMaw, I grew used to doing things on my own during my husbandd's last illness, and as my friends in the area where we chose to spend our retirement don't share my liking for classical music and ballet, I usually go to concerts or the theatre alone.

Nor does it worry me to join charity walks or the like on my own, and doing so, like you, I have found it is much easeir to chat to strangers than it is when accompanying a friend.

Often I make a conversational remark about the activity or event, or even the weather, if I am standing at a bus-stop, if the person I address doesn't seem interested, then I take the hint, but as often as not, I find myself having enjoyable conversations this way.

I don't drive, so I cannot advise on the problem of a friend wanting to share the driving - but is honesty not the best policy here?

When I retired I went to several things on my own- a class on English Literature, Calligraphy class and Patchwork class. If I had waited for any of my friends to join in these activities I would have waited for ever! I also went to Chi Me on my own. I made very good friends in the Patchwork group and meet once a fortnight for coffee and chat long after the class has finished for good.
Tell yr friend that you would rather not commit to sharing lifts as you don’t always go directly to the venue but will meet her there and introduce her to the others until she feels more comfortable with them ?

Prefer going on my own. Dislike giving anyone lifts - as an introvert that's my safe space.

Yes,say what Wyllow3 said above.Or just say, i'm glad you feel motivated to join our group, but i wont share lifts as i prefer it alone,its my thinking time/breathing space.(are you sure the 'share lifts' comment isnt because either your friend does not like to travel alone,or thats her only way to get there/back?)

BlueBelle

No DaisyAnn I am far from an introvert I talk to everyone and everything’s, at bus stops, trains, shops I m actually very extrovert in a lot of cases but there are certain things I quite like doing alone Were probably all a bit of both which makes us level

Only you know yourself Blue Bell. If we leave you out of this, how would you define an introvert?

Don't want to put a damper on anyone giving lifts to friends or neighbours but, is there not an insurance problem hanging around somewhere in doing so?

I thoroughly enjoyed a coach trip a couple of years ago alone,as i knew my son, (who lives at home & drives) wouldnt have been interested in it really- i visited where they filmed Downton Abbey- with an overnight stay, and a few other ladies spoke to me.and in the past i have gone cinema alone.And ive been to spa stays alone.But since my heart op i now have the discovery of an aneurism which has not been dealt with so i would feel a lot wary of staying away alone,(in a hotel for example) in case i collapse & need urgent help.But that aside,i used to enjoy some me time alone,theres always folk who strike up a chat with you,or you can first.

Nannan2

Yes,say what Wyllow3 said above.Or just say, i'm glad you feel motivated to join our group, but i wont share lifts as i prefer it alone,its my thinking time/breathing space.(are you sure the 'share lifts' comment isnt because either your friend does not like to travel alone,or thats her only way to get there/back?)

No, we would take it in turns, one driving, and the other paying the parking
Obviously if either of us was without a car one week the other would help out!
It’s just that feeling of being “tied” to sit, chat at the tea break etc when I’m more of a free spirit!

TanaMa

Don't want to put a damper on anyone giving lifts to friends or neighbours but, is there not an insurance problem hanging around somewhere in doing so?

No, as long as money does not change hands.

TanaMa- would there only be a problem in that if the driver was making a monetary charge for the lift, like as a taxi does?

See,i knew so😁

Then just be honest RosiesMawagain, and explain, "im going to say no about sharing ,as i often go other places before or after group meetings,so i use it as my downtime, i hope thats ok, but ill look out for you at meetings and introduce you to a few of the others there".Be honest,be bold.

I’ve driven on my own for so long, I’m now hopeless at driving with anyone in the car, they’re too distracting! You could always use that as an excuse.

After my husband left,I went on holiday with my sister. She was so awful I can't even even go into town with her now. The only person I'll go on holiday with now is my daughter and granddaughter as we are both very independent and do what we like.