Going with a friend

BlueBelle

I m far far from an introvert Daisy
I absolutely hate shopping with anyone, even my own family
I have holidayed alone on one occasion and enjoyed it as much as with someone, it was just the evening meal on my own seemed a bit less attractive, perfectly manageable but wouldn’t chose it ….I did have a man stop to chat and ask if I d like to go to the headland to see the sunset He may have been ok but I took no chances and thanked him but told him I was going out with a friend later. (he did have a nice sports car outside !)

I think your describing an introvert "Blue Bell". The world needs introverts but unfortunately it rewards what it can easily see. Extroverts are better at being noticed. Introverts are better at noticing.

Wonder why we find it hard or in Usedtobe case impossible to eat alone. Is it because it’s perceived to be a companionship thing to do? I mean we all have to eat, so why do we find it ‘wrong’ to call in somewhere for a meal, but not to sit in a cinema, weird isn’t it Maybe because you’re very noticeable at a table alone, but blend in the crowd in a theatre or cinema.

I happily go anywhere on my own, including eating out, but I'd be USELESS at saying I couldn't give someone a lift because I wouldn't know how to say it. Fortunately I don't have a car and if she asked for a piggy back I could use arthritis as an excuse. 😂

JaneJudge

Did she ask f it was okay if she joined the group Rosie? I think I'd be a bit pissed off with her if she joined my 'nice thing' and then suggested I drive her there!

To be fair it is open to anybody and we would alternate driving/paying the parking charges. It makes good sense - I’m worried I’m just being selfish!

GrannyIvy

I go to an exercise class weekly on my own travelling about 10 miles. I have made new friends there and enjoy the journey there and often pop into a garden centre or Tesco’s on the way back. I love the freedom of just me. One of my neighbours recently expressed an interest in joining me and we now share the driving her one week me the next. She is good company but I long to just go on my own some weeks so know how you feel. She enjoys stopping off with me on route home so cannot use that excuse!

I also enjoy going on long walks and shopping on my own too. I enjoy company of friends but not all the time.

Got it in one GrannyIvy !

But it's not selfish to want to be our best happy? It's not as if you are harming her in some way.

At our age we dont have years ahead to spend time with people just cos they want us to, and its a big commitment not a one off, where one would probably say yes but with inner regret.

She'll be disappointed, yes, and I really appreciate how difficult it is to say, but still think a kindly put version of the truth is best.

I'm going to the theatre twice this week- once in company and once on my own.
I'm sure I'll enjoy both outings equally.
Finding someone who shares my taste in certain things is impossible.
When I go places on my own I'm not looking for people to speak to; if I wanted to do that I would ask someone to come with me...

OP
Why don't you just tell her.
Say
That doesn't work for me I'm afraid.
I enjoy driving alone and look forward to it as part of the event.
Of course if there is an emergency or something and I'm around I'll try to help.
But as a regular thing I prefer to drive alone.

I like both . Go out to lunch or coffee with 2 friends but equally happy to do it sometimes on my own.

Wouldn’t like to go on holiday somewhere I don’t know on my own but regularly go back to where I used to live and spend several days in an Airbnb on my own, meeting up with old friends but also say going to a garden centre by myself and enjoying my own time on the evening. I would have no problem eating in the local pub by myself.

However I don’t think I’d like to go on holiday alone especially abroad but love going with a close friend

I’d rather offer somebody a lift than have to wriggle out of accepting one from somebody I know to be a scary driver. 😮😩

I started a move it or lose it class and a friend said she’d like to come too after Christmas. I was thinking how do I get out of that but luckily the class is full. I like being on my own and being able to think.

I enjoy going to the cinema on my own but haven’t braved a theatre outing alone as they’re further away and large car parks on dark winter evenings make me nervous.
Luckily DD is always happy to accompany me.

I’m happy with people I know but find social occasions unbearable. What do I say? What do I do? Am I doing it right?
If going anywhere alone I never feel safe as I’m afraid of getting lost.
I’ve missed so much during my life and, having autistic grandchildren, I know that I am too. I find extroverts overpowering and making new friends is very difficult so I’m deeply grateful to those who have made the effort to include me.

You aren’t being selfish Rosie

As an eldest child, I was always expected to look after my siblings, and whilst I would feel awkward asking for the lavatory for myself, had no problem of politely asking, My sister needs the lavatory, where is it please? etc etc., That actually was a good way to begin being the one who sorted things.

So I have lived abroad, moved on my own and with other people and am perfectly happy to go wherever I want, with no worries about eating alone in a pub or cafe or whatever. Obviously you take sensible precautions about things like walking down dark alleys or whatever, but other than that I just go to whichever takes my fancy. My money is as good as anyone elses and I expect to be served and treated like anyone else. So if someone tries to put me in a dark corner or next to the toilets or whatever, I simply look round and choose the place I want to sit at and sit down there. I do not choose large tables stopping a bigger party, but something that suits me. I have never had any problems, enjoyed doing things at the times that I want to. If you walk around , expecting things to be ok, they usually are, because your body language also shows that you are just part of the rest of the people walking around.

I have always been happy to drive anywhere, and have done over 10 years as a hospital car driver. So recently there were two ladies who used to be able to drive , but now no longer are able to do so, and were saying how much they miss being able to go anywhere not on the bus route. So I offered to take them to the coast, I would pick them up at their homes and we would go to the coast, then we would do our own thing and meet up at 3.30pm to come home. One lady started to say oh we could go to the shops together - and I immediately said "No , that is not what I am offering. I have no interest in shopping and will be looking out to sea etc., As I have offered to take you , I will still do so this time, but I would be very unlikely to do another trip. This way we get a day to do our own thing and then I would be happy to repeat this. " She obviously was a bit shocked, but then agreed to what I offered and in fact we have done two trips since then . They all thought it was a bit "plain speaking", but after the first trip, each of them said it had been very nice to actually have a day to please themselves, which was quite rare.

So although it can sound rather bossy, I have found that being honest and telling the truth, can often mean that the other person can also be truthful. So I went on a trip to Barcelona with a neighbour, where we agreed to just go together as it was cheaper and a better room to share. Then we would do our own thing and might or might not meet up for a meal or coffee. It all went off very well, we did our own thing, met for one meal and one coffee, and it saved us a lot of money .

Even if it is quite hard to state your preferences in the beginning, if you look at it you will see that you will have to constantly dampen down frustrations , or find yourself having occasions spoilt by ending up doing what you dont want or like to do. This in turn will probably stop you having more trips.

So you could have a think about when you would prefer to be on your own, and you can have polite ways worked out to tell them, so for example you could say " I prefer to travel alone to this class, but we could meet later for coffee if you would like" You could practise in simple ways, starting by perhaps going by bus into the town or city, have a wander round, choose somewhere that appeals and go for coffee or a meal there. Another easy way is to see if there is an exhibition, or an art gallery with something you would like to see and go to that. They usually have cafes there, so that you could try going there after your visit.

I have a lot of friends, but still prefer to travel alone and went up to the arctic with Fred Olsen, have been back on my own to Portugal and Maderia where I used to live, gone b@b to lots of different places, whenever I wanted to travel to somewhere new. Have never regretted it. I am sure we have all done our fair share of looking after family and fitting in with other peoples needs. So now is the time to do as you please. Go for it. Happy travelling

Thank you for all your observations. I do a lot on my own - a train holiday to the Harz mountains 18 months after DH died, theatre in London, , exhibitions, galleries, films - although I tend to choose matinees and I am also happy to drive distances- like to Somerset for Christmas , about 3 1/2 hours, and having been on my own for over 8 years I have now had lots of experience.
I observe,however, how lots of women “go with a friend” - Arts Society lectures for instance and seem to feel the need of somebody to sit with and chat to.
Don’t get me wrong, I have lots of friends I chat to but I am perfectly happy to go under my own steam and TBH sometimes I prefer it as it frees me up to meet or talk to other people.
In this case I cannot fob off my neighbour as she lives practically opposite and there are only going to be so many occasions when I can claim to be going on somewhere or going there from a different direction!
I just wondered about other grans’ views about company or not.
GrannyIvy and silverlining seem to reflect how I feel the closest!
PS, * Madeleine* thank you for the suggestions but I don’t take buses (not that there are any) and I am about 10 years down the road of going it alone.

No DaisyAnn I am far from an introvert I talk to everyone and everything’s, at bus stops, trains, shops I m actually very extrovert in a lot of cases but there are certain things I quite like doing alone Were probably all a bit of both which makes us level

I think also that, much as we like someone, we don’t necessarily want them coming to whatever club or activity we do ourselves.

I go to Aquacise, have met many new people there, and enjoy a chat beforehand.

Do I want my other friends to start coming? No, not really, I like doing certain things separately.

If that makes me selfish, then yes, I am.

You're not becoming anti-social at all. I've always been a loner, ever since I was a small kid. I'd sit there reading, and people would force me up, saying ''You have GOT to make friends''. Urm, no, I don't!

I've never been the social type. In various jobs I've done over the years, I've been invited to parties or whatever, but have politely turned them down, sometimes making excuses!

It's extremely rare when I accept an invitation. The last one was in October 2025, when I was working in a care home, and a colleague organised a dinner for 12 of us at the local Crown & Cushion. I was in there up to 3 times weekly anyway, basically as soon as they opened up for Full English breakfasts, but I was always alone, tucked away in the little 2 table resturant at the back, so being in a group of 12 felt weird to me, but it was a lovely evening, and admittedly, I had a good time! It will now be several years before I accept any other invitations from anyone!

I'm 60 and never married or had kids by choice, and I've never had any family of any sort, so I've always been alone.

I live a 100% single life, I'm not rude or anything, and am reasonably polite to others, I've got a whacky sense of humour and having a jolly good laugh with a couple of good friends is essential to me, but that's as far as it goes!

Introversion is about how a person recharges their energy, not about shyness, social skill, or confidence.

Introverts recharge by spending time alone or in low-stimulation environments.

Extroverts recharge by being around people and external stimulation.

It may sometimes seem "bossy" to say what you want to do with your time, but just think of the pressure extroverts put on others to get their own way. (obviously nice, aware extroverts don't do that )

I too love doing things on my own. I remember once on a trip to Paris with my French language group I decided not to join them on a trip to Fontainbleau as I had been many times before. I took myself off to the shops and had lunch with a nice glass of wine. The only problem was that a bit squiffy I forgot the way back to the hotel and it was before mobile phones. Fortunately I managed to get back.

I'm sociable when the occasion calls for it. Like others have posted, I'm also happy with my own company, I don't feel the need to have every minute of the waking day around another person with the exception of o/h. Although of course we do things separately too, him to golf for example and I quite like a bit of solitude when he's out for the day doing that.

I have one friend from my earliest school days who I'm extremely fond of through our shared history nevertheless she drives me mad at times in that I don't feel our conversations are two way discussions. I spend so much of our shared time listening to her, the main topic of her conversation her only child a daughter. In fact when we did do shopping expeditions when our children were young I found myself trolling along behind her into clothes shops looking at girl's dresses which she seemed to expect me to have an opinion on, under my breath I wanted to say "couldn't care less I have BOYS in case you've forgotten" I don't shop with her any more she's still looking at clothes, or taking them back for mid 30s daughter or having interminable phone conversations with her during the course of lunch, even though she still lives at home

I hardly ever go shopping with anyone, let alone dh!

I will occasionally go to the cinema on my own - usually a midweek afternoon - it’s very enjoyable.

I’m happy to go into a pub on my own now and then - usually when quite a way from home on my own and I need the loo, besides fancying a coffee or a G&T. Only in the relatively quiet daytime, though, I wouldn’t want to go to a busy, crowded one in the evening.

A couple of years ago, when early for a Covid jab some distance from home, I sat outside a nice, old fashioned pub to wait - and witnessed a Victorian style funeral procession - hearse drawn by black plumed horses, top-hatted attendants, the lot! First time I’d ever seen such a thing.

I’m happy to go on my own, particularly shopping. I never seem to get what I want when I’m with others.
Although I’d be happy to go to the theatre or cinema on my own, have a dear friend and as our tastes are similar we often go together and have lunch beforehand. Fortunately she, like me is silent during performances.
I sometimes go with four other friends which is not always as good, although they are lovely people.

watermeadow

I’m happy with people I know but find social occasions unbearable. What do I say? What do I do? Am I doing it right?
If going anywhere alone I never feel safe as I’m afraid of getting lost.
I’ve missed so much during my life and, having autistic grandchildren, I know that I am too. I find extroverts overpowering and making new friends is very difficult so I’m deeply grateful to those who have made the effort to include me.

I think the thought of doing something of often a whole lot worse than the actual 'happening' Watermeadow, also hard to start up again if you haven't been able to do anything for a while.
Tiny steps, a visit to the library& a quick chat about a book or getting into friendly conversation at a coffee shop are all little wins and boost confidence to try other things, a morning cinema trip for example is full of folks on their own and a very good for that 'didn't I do well' feeling! Breathing exercises to calm your nervous system are worth learning too x