Desperately sad story of the assisted suicide of a grieving mother

Aw, Primrose, .
Many sympathies.

Primrose53 ♥️ 💐

Primrose x

My sister died very suddenly when she was 30 (I was 24). My mum carried on as a broken woman until she died about 8 years later. I know for a fact that if she had had the chance to opt for assisted suicide she would have taken it. It’s so incredibly sad, and even though I don’t fully agree with it, I understand it.
Primrose💐

Wyllow3

It's not easy to get tablets that can kill yourself for that these days any more: unless you stash really huge amounts of prescription drugs, you'd have to buy illegally on the street.

It's not like in an Agatha Christie novel where one bottle will kill you. It was like that with the older drugs.

They have discontinued the use of some MH related drugs that carried a high risk. Some people will take a huge, huge dose of Paracetamol but you don't just "go to sleep" like imagined: days of pain and extreme symptoms first, for example.

Not easy, but there’s a black market for many drugs.

Wyllow3

I think using the word " broken heart" is how she put it, almost trite: but to call it a profound depression utterly beyond reach is what some suffer.

Sadly I know this Mothers pain and yes, her heart is broken, as is mine. Please, never describe this as trite. Unless you walk in our shoes, and I wouldn’t anyone to, it is nigh on impossible for you to understand the actual physical pain of a heart that cannot mend. We stay for the family we still have here, we keep going for them and that’s the unvarnished truth.

I have two friends who have both lost sons to suicide and their pain is unbearable to see. No matter how much support I offer, I still feel helpless that I can't ease their pain. This situation in the papers is so unbelievably sad.

Willow, to say someone with a broken heart is trite is very unkind, is someone with mental illness or doesn't think a certain way trite? I was truly broken hearted when my husband died, I didnt want to carry on but I had children, she didn't,the joy and reason to live had gone, dreadfully sad she went to that place and died alone it's hard to imagine. . How can anyone know and judge on how a person feels.

JenniferEccles

Wendy Duffy’s only son died in tragic circumstances four years ago and his mother said her heart was too broken to carry on, so she travelled to Dignitas yesterday.

There will be differing opinions of course but who can decide how much anguish anyone can endure?

I lost my Daughter 5 years ago. I don't know Wendy Duffy, but I know her.

There is a word for a woman who loses her husband. A word for a child who loses their parents. Ancient words, in every language, that carry within them an acknowledgment — this person has suffered. Treat them accordingly.

There is no word for a mother who loses her child.

Think about that. As if the people who built our language looked at that particular grief and decided — no. Some things are beyond naming. Some losses are too large to fit inside a word.

Maybe they were right.

Wendy Duffy is 56, physically healthy, and she’s travelled to Switzerland to die. Not because she is ill. Because her son is gone. Marcus was 23. Four years of therapy later, she says nothing has made her whole again. She has already tried to leave once. This time, she wants it to be, in her own words, neater.

She wants the big windows open so her spirit can be free.

The world is looking at her story and seeing a debate. A controversy. A moral and legal dilemma about assisted dying laws.

I look at her and see a mother.

I see the specific weight of a house that still holds the shape of someone who is gone. I see the 3am silences that are somehow louder than anything — the ones where we scream our children's names and the world hears nothing. I see the years of nodding when well-meaning people say time heals — knowing that time doesn't heal this. It just makes you better at carrying it in public.

I stayed. I am still here, five years later. In that time I have sat with other parents who lost their children, and I can tell you this — what Wendy feels is not rare. It is not a crisis of mental health alone. It is the absolute logical conclusion of a love that has nowhere left to go.

We do not recover from losing our children.

Let me say that plainly, because the world needs to hear it.

We survive, or we don't.

And surviving is not the same as living — not for a long time, and for some of us, not ever in the way we lived before. The person I was before I lost my Daughter died the same day she did. What walks around in her place has learned to function, has found purpose, and has even found moments of joy. But she is not the same woman, and she never will be.

Wendy is not broken. She is bereaved. The difference matters.

I am not here to judge her decision. How could I? I have stood close enough to that edge to understand every step of the road she walked to get there.

She is leaving from love — love for a boy named Marcus, love so total that the world without him has never added up to enough.

There is something in that, if we are honest, that is not so different from the love that keeps the rest of us here. We stay for love too. For the ones still living who need us. For the hope, however fragile, that our children's lives meant something we are still meant to carry forward.

But I will not pretend that staying is simply the stronger choice. It is just a different one.

What I want — what I have always wanted — is for the world to build a place for this grief to exist. To stop expecting bereaved parents to return to a normal that no longer exists for them. To find, finally, the word that says: we see you. We know what you carry. You are not invisible. Your loss does not have an expiration date.

Until that happens, there will be more Wendys. Parents quietly disappearing, one way or another, because no one built a language for what they are — let alone a world willing to hold them in it.

Her name is a mother. Her son's name is Marcus.
My name is a mother too. My Daughter has a name.
They all do.

Primrose and Motherduck - so, so, sorry

I’m so sorry to hear about your son’s battle Primrose Such a dreadful time for you all.

I am sad too to read about those who have experienced the tragedy of losing a beloved child.

I’m sure there is no pain like it.

Just been reading that this lovely lady has passed peacefully, wearing her son’s T shirt in just the way she wanted.
RIP Wendy and hope you are reunited with your Son.

Oh Motherduck I’m so sorry for the loss of your much loved daughter. You told us your heartfelt story and I hear you. I just wanted to let you know that much. xx

And Primrose your anxiety for your son will be with you always as cancer does that it has you on high alert constantly. I feel your pain and I fervently hope your son responds well to his treatment and you can all, in time, receive reassurance from his medical team and be given a degree of peace of mind. xx

Thank you for those above who have written so poignantly. I never intended to suggest that Wendy's description of a broken heart was trite: but that some people may think of it as such.

It's because people may describe having been left by a partner, for example, that "my heart was broken". "it broke my heart" that I lost, such and such.

I do appreciate after reading the above that for some it is literally that, not recoverable from, a far more profound reason. I have lost a family member to suicide, as many more have than used to be talked of, because it used to be, and sometimes still is, a matter of shame. It was my grandfather, and his wife my grandmother and my mother never spoke of it.

I didn't even know until my 20's.

It marked by mum forever and explains a lot about how she was as a person and how it affected yet another generation. My grandmother was ashamed, she was that generation. I see no shame just the reality for many.

People do speak of losing their children to physical illness or terrible accidents: but speaking of those lost by suicide, leaving the legacies described upthread, yes, society has problems in finding the space, the words, the understanding: I believe we have problems with something which is actually not unusual, but still, people shy away.

I think what someone does with their own gift of life should be their own choice but we naturally try and usually succeed at assisting those with broken hearts to continue with living. For most, they have not been given or shown the tools, resources or the experience to live with the new overdose of emotions. For others, a doctor prescribes massive dosing of anti-depressants to numb the emotion, like a pain killer that numbs the pain until they are ready to face the pain with therapy.

I cant judge those who end their own lives on purpose because I am not in their head but suffering endlessly is not something I would wish for either.

If I were suffering in and endless tragic way and if ending my life would cause suffering for others then I would probably choose to continue suffering. However, if mental anguish causes a distorted reality and twisted logic, it is difficult to make any reasonable decisions.

Wyllow3

Thank you for those above who have written so poignantly. I never intended to suggest that Wendy's description of a broken heart was trite: but that some people may think of it as such.

It's because people may describe having been left by a partner, for example, that "my heart was broken". "it broke my heart" that I lost, such and such.

I do appreciate after reading the above that for some it is literally that, not recoverable from, a far more profound reason. I have lost a family member to suicide, as many more have than used to be talked of, because it used to be, and sometimes still is, a matter of shame. It was my grandfather, and his wife my grandmother and my mother never spoke of it.

I didn't even know until my 20's.

It marked by mum forever and explains a lot about how she was as a person and how it affected yet another generation. My grandmother was ashamed, she was that generation. I see no shame just the reality for many.

People do speak of losing their children to physical illness or terrible accidents: but speaking of those lost by suicide, leaving the legacies described upthread, yes, society has problems in finding the space, the words, the understanding: I believe we have problems with something which is actually not unusual, but still, people shy away.

Thanks Willow I do understand what you mean now. I agree, the public who state that they’re ’brokenhearted’ when a famous person passes away when in fact they’re simply misusing the word. I think people find it difficult to talk about… they don’t know what to say.
My Daughter was 28 when she died due to cancer and she was carrying her first baby.

FriedGreenTomatoes2

Oh Motherduck I’m so sorry for the loss of your much loved daughter. You told us your heartfelt story and I hear you. I just wanted to let you know that much. xx

Thank you, that means a lot x

think using the word " broken heart" is how she put it, almost trite: but to call it a profound depression utterly beyond reach is what some suffer.

Trite? Wow.

Cardamom I have explained, and apologised, and that admonition was really not necessary.

But to try and be clearer, I was trying to say that Wendy was suffering, quote "profound depression utterly beyond reach" tho she described it in a way some use in a trite manner.

What a very sad situation that this lady could just not live without her son. I wonder if she made her son the sandwich and felt guilty (unwarranted) that he died due to half a cherry tomato stuck in his windpipe. He was dozing off, it was an accident. Guilt is a terrible thing as is shame, neither of these apply to this lady but they are often causes of suicide. This lady's utter despair and loneliness was probably the cause for not wanting to go on, this is a feeling that most of us experience after a loss, be it children, spouses, siblings, parents or friends. Fortunately most of us find a coping strategy to carry on with our lives without them, life is never the same, just different. We have to look at the positive things in our lives, even when it feels that there aren't any, life is precious.

I have suffered lots of sad losses in my life, as have most people. I truly believe that we will be reunited when our time is up and that gives me hope for seeing my loved ones again. In the meantime, there are lots of things to enjoy and be thankful for in this life.

TheSunRisesInTheEast

What a very sad situation that this lady could just not live without her son. I wonder if she made her son the sandwich and felt guilty (unwarranted) that he died due to half a cherry tomato stuck in his windpipe. He was dozing off, it was an accident. Guilt is a terrible thing as is shame, neither of these apply to this lady but they are often causes of suicide. This lady's utter despair and loneliness was probably the cause for not wanting to go on, this is a feeling that most of us experience after a loss, be it children, spouses, siblings, parents or friends. Fortunately most of us find a coping strategy to carry on with our lives without them, life is never the same, just different. We have to look at the positive things in our lives, even when it feels that there aren't any, life is precious.

I have suffered lots of sad losses in my life, as have most people. I truly believe that we will be reunited when our time is up and that gives me hope for seeing my loved ones again. In the meantime, there are lots of things to enjoy and be thankful for in this life.

That's the issue, Sometimes there is nothing to enjoy. It's just not a possibility. Grief can break you. Sometimes it can take your life. The emotions are so strong they control the physical functions of your body, your appetite, your sleep, your blood pressure, your immune system, your heart function - these are physical things that can be negatively affected by grief and you can't stop it and you can't think of positive things. It encompasses your very being and you are trapped. This is a normal human brain, a different human brain, but not uncommon. It feels like life has been sucked out of you and you could collapse at any moment. It feels like your body is empty of tears and empty of you.

Motherduck. Thank you for writing that most beautiful, multiple paragraphed post. Your words are so relatable and brought me comfort. I had to read it slowly three more times. Something in me was longing to hear those words. Thank you 🙏

As my cousin once wrote on the death of a dear relative: 'No words!' Sometimes just silent respect in the only way forward.

I just feel each individual should be able to pick their death and the how and where and if that means one needs assistance….