Desperately sad story of the assisted suicide of a grieving mother

You described it so well Motherduck and Macaydia
Thank you. the trigger points for this "utterly lost in loss" and the struggles to lift out and find a way of living speak for so many: bereavement, and those with a MH condition that creates those feelings.
Choosing to live can be one of the most courageous things to do. And at times knowing who would suffer by the choice to leave this world is not even enough: but it is a strong force.

*I've been told that I ought to got over my father's death.
I haven't*

Just wanted to say there is no hierachy in grief and loss and "getting over" sometimes never happens.
Perhaps "living alongside" is more realistic.

A few weeks after my youngest child died (aged 25yrs), I can remember trying to mow my lawn and being in floods of tears. I can remember thinking that if I took my electric mower over it powercord, it would (we were told then) electricute me, and my pain would be at an end.
Only think that stopped me, was the thought of my other children who were also suffering from the loss of their sibling, and I could not cause them more pain.

Again a couple of years later, when my husband announced he was leaving us and I went up to help my other son move house. During the move had a car crash (nobody hurt, just car damage), got a hire car. On the way home, I can remember driving over this high bridge and thinking to myself, 'if I pull the steering wheel hard to the left, I will plummet over the top etc.'....What stopped me then was the next thought that the way my luck was going I would just end up dreadfully injured ,but not dead.

I can sympathise with this ladies grief, and why should she not have the right to bring her life to an end when she wishes to? Who has the right to tell me, or anyone else, when NOT to die, if we want to.

Perhaps those two times and the fact that I did not do either of them, meant I was not entirely ready for that death - life has turned out pretty well in the ensuing years (my son''s death was back in 2002 - but I would never ever demand anyone else's death, no matter what the reasons, and really do not understand why other people can demand me to continue to live if I do not wish to do so.

Macaydia you are spot on, it affects our health, and subsequently our wellbeing, our Doctor tells us so. I’m so very sorry you find yourself here xxx

TheSunRisesInTheEast

What a very sad situation that this lady could just not live without her son. I wonder if she made her son the sandwich and felt guilty (unwarranted) that he died due to half a cherry tomato stuck in his windpipe. He was dozing off, it was an accident. Guilt is a terrible thing as is shame, neither of these apply to this lady but they are often causes of suicide. This lady's utter despair and loneliness was probably the cause for not wanting to go on, this is a feeling that most of us experience after a loss, be it children, spouses, siblings, parents or friends. Fortunately most of us find a coping strategy to carry on with our lives without them, life is never the same, just different. We have to look at the positive things in our lives, even when it feels that there aren't any, life is precious.

I have suffered lots of sad losses in my life, as have most people. I truly believe that we will be reunited when our time is up and that gives me hope for seeing my loved ones again. In the meantime, there are lots of things to enjoy and be thankful for in this life.

I’m afraid you miss the point and we bereaved parents hear your comments in one guise or another over and over again. You speak from ignorance and i would never, want you to experience the pain of losing your child. I wish people who speak out with well meant words could understand that they contribute to our grief feeling magnified, as though we should pull ourselves together and ‘get over it’ really??? How about ‘always look on the bright side of life’ I’ll whistle the merry tune. I’ll apologise for being blunt: forgive me but you really have no idea. I was widowed in the thirties with young children, I have lost my parents and a brother, a close friend or two. And I will continue to live my best life for my daughters and grandchildren but trust me when I say I wear a mask, every day.

I think we can all understand how she felt but there was one thing which wasn't mentioned. It said that she was perfectly healthy, so did she arrange to donate her organs?

Unimaginable pain , however am not sure it warrants what she did. Fortunately I have not been in such a dreadful place - I am grateful for that.
So sad, the poor woman .

So sad .... and sending love to all who have lost a child. It is a pain like no other and I commend you for carrying on for the sake of others.

As a poster said, there is no word for a parent who has lost a child and sadly I imagine this is because words evolve over time and it is only in recent years that children survived. People had many children of whom many did not live beyond childhood. One can only imagine their pain, often after multiple losses. Maybe that is why no word evolved ... it was sadly a whole way of life.
I hope that those of you who have lost children do have some joyful memories that you are able to dredge up through the weight of sadness.
It is unimaginable to those of us who have not been through it.

Everyone grieves differently because our brains are somewhat unique to our own development. Emotions begin in the brain. That's why some people get devastated and some do not. Some people lean on happiness. Some, lean on sadness. I'm not trying to lessen the experience. I'm just saying that everyone is different. It's because we are made humans. I sometimes wished I was doled the "cheery brain" but I was not. I am just me, for.now.

No one can tell anyone the proper way to feel.

BlueBelle

Wyllow I don’t agree, you can go to two or three different pharmacies and get enough paracetamol to take your own life enough people do it every day ! That’s why the rule of only being able to buy a couple of packets is a joke, in fact you could go to the same pharmacy half an hour later !!!

It happens every day unfortunately
I wouldn’t have the guts but many, many do unfortunately

The limits on amount of paracetemol don't stop people who are planning long in advance.
The impulsive ones - people in a bad place get drunk, or have a blazing row with family & take what they have in the cupboard - that's where limiting the amount we can routinely buy is a good idea.

Macaydia

Everyone grieves differently because our brains are somewhat unique to our own development. Emotions begin in the brain. That's why some people get devastated and some do not. Some people lean on happiness. Some, lean on sadness. I'm not trying to lessen the experience. I'm just saying that everyone is different. It's because we are made humans. I sometimes wished I was doled the "cheery brain" but I was not. I am just me, for.now.

No one can tell anyone the proper way to feel.

Carry on being you.

Shelflife

Unimaginable pain , however am not sure it warrants what she did. Fortunately I have not been in such a dreadful place - I am grateful for that.
So sad, the poor woman .

...however am not sure it warrants what she did.

Well it clearly did to her. With respect, what you think is irrelevant.

No grieving person is under any obligation to make others feel comfortable about their grief, or their choices.

Please don't OD on paracetamol. Whilst working in hospital a young man came in after an overdose of this. He recovered initially only to die of liver failure weeks later. It is very dangerous stuff. It is not a good way to depart this life. It was truly awful. A good drug in correct dosage only.

I was "gifted" with the same kind of brain as Macaydia's, and years of "living with" and therapy, as well as having worked in the field have led me to understand its a mixture of genetic and circumstance.

I do agree with the awfulness of being told "look on the bright side" "you ought to try and do this or that". I have told helpers eventually with some success, "^stop suggesting/piling on this or that^ - please just "walk with me". It comes out of people's desperate desiring to stop your pain, or is it theirs?

(Although just sometimes "suggestions" do help, but it has to be got right - like someone who is not aware of a support group or whatever that they might chose to take advantage of or not).

Some things have sunk in over the years for example

its not just me

- which is that many many people at some time in their lives have experienced a moment where you "could" self harm, be it anger or helplessness or despair, or utter exhaustion - or you experience feelings that life is pointless, "what is the point". (Unless you are very v. robust as a personality)

Its just not talked about, and this thread is very valuable as it's owning "that which we are not supposed to say".

Some thing have changed for the better - when my grandfather died, the suicide, the police were round, just as they came for my first husband, who had to pull his mother out of a gas oven aged 6 and had the sense to run round to the neighbours.

Also nowadays the language of some sorts of suffering is available to most people - as a teenager if I had been able to name "depression" and understanding I wasn't in fact cursed by God, it happened to many, and had a shape and form, and there was the possibility of change not shame, and could have understood more.

Franbern, thank you for being brave and sharing your personal experience of heartbreak. It is important to share and it's about time everyone acknowledges that these kind of thoughts are a normal part of life and not an anomaly. Maybe then society will be more welcoming to the discussion instead of it being so hush. My friend once described it as calmly holding the hand of a toddler who is tantruming. You just keep walking with them as they wring. Sometimes I feel that life is like a rollercoaster in slow motion. I've been at that edge many times. I am learning, still.

As some of you know I work in a high dementia care home
One of my ladies grandson‘s committed suicide about a year ago he was 18 just about to go to university
She asked me why why would he do it? I had no explanation. I just said that he got himself into a dark place and could find no way out.
Her son whose boy he was visits or used to visit, but not so much now and the lady has gone downhill in the last few weeks and I don’t think she’ll be with us much longer sometimes she used to say to me I think he did it it because my son wanted him to go to university and he didn’t want to go and I said to her you can’t know that and please don’t ever say that to your son because if that is the reason he will know himself and he will never get over that …. so much sadness on this thread, so thank you all for sharing…..🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻

Safe journey Wendy to meet your son 💐

Motherduck, I will excuse your nasty reply to me as your grief talking. You do not know what heartache I have suffered. I will not go into depth because I do not wish to go there, it is too painful, but grief is not a competition, we have all been to hell and back with bereavement and we all learn to cope in our own way. I am terribly sorry for your loss, but please don't denigrate my own losses and tell me I speak from ignorance and that I have no idea, if only you knew.

💐 For my loved ones on the other side and for anyone who is grieving.

Oldnproud

BlueBelle

Well she was fit and was able why go to Dignatas she could take tablets herself lay on her own bed and go herself

From what I have read previously - in several cases, here on Gransnet - DIY overdosing is a risky business, and it is not uncommon for people to misjudge the quantity of their chosen drug that is needed, resulting in them surviving but with dreadful lasting physical repercussions to add to their mental trauma!

The woman had attempted suicide before and ended up on a ventilator.
I think she wanted to make sure she didn’t come round this time 😥

Wyllow3

Some thing have changed for the better - when my grandfather died, the suicide, the police were round, just as they came for my first husband, who had to pull his mother out of a gas oven aged 6 and had the sense to run round to the neighbours.

Also nowadays the language of some sorts of suffering is available to most people - as a teenager if I had been able to name "depression" and understanding I wasn't in fact cursed by God, it happened to many, and had a shape and form, and there was the possibility of change not shame, and could have understood more.

Both times my mother attempted suicide our Dr covered it up as it was a crime.
The first time I phoned the police because I found her. I was 14.
The second time, because she had asked her friends son to take my baby brother for a walk ( he went straight to his mum)
She knew something was very wrong.
She phoned the Dr who covered it up again.

Luckygirl3

So sad .... and sending love to all who have lost a child. It is a pain like no other and I commend you for carrying on for the sake of others.

As a poster said, there is no word for a parent who has lost a child and sadly I imagine this is because words evolve over time and it is only in recent years that children survived. People had many children of whom many did not live beyond childhood. One can only imagine their pain, often after multiple losses. Maybe that is why no word evolved ... it was sadly a whole way of life.
I hope that those of you who have lost children do have some joyful memories that you are able to dredge up through the weight of sadness.
It is unimaginable to those of us who have not been through it.

This is a good post.

Before DD1 died, a walk through a Victorian graveyard would fill me with a feeling of "how did they (the mothers and fathers) bear it?" when a list of child after child died within their first few years of life. As Lucky said, it was a whole way of life, and it still is for many species though human survival has improved.

Wendy Duffy apparently was not surrounded by people who felt and made her feel as if her life still had value (I'm not blaming anyone here; she was unlucky). She was truly bereft as it was her only child who died and it does not appear that she had a partner with whom to share her grief.

The good doctors who understood. To be fair, I doubt the police really wanted to intrude on the grief in latter days: the law changed in 1961, we are probably the last generation who would have known it.

Ironically, at that point in time, Mental Hospitals had the time and space for people to stay long enough to be cared for.

That poor lady, Shinamae: I'm guessing her son is struggling a great deal and finds it difficult to cope with Mum too. He's trying to find his way. The love and listening you do does count, a great deal.

I don't think the zeitgeist of our times, despite so many really caring and dealing with realities, doesn't deal well with death.

Does anyone here think death, disease, depression and suicide should be mandatory curriculum in schools. If children were taught preparedness classes for depression the same way they are taught preparedness for fires and earthquakes, would that save any of them in the future? Could children be taught the subtle signs of dangerous depression and have a set of practiced plans to save a friend or sibling?

Oldnproud

BlueBelle

Well she was fit and was able why go to Dignatas she could take tablets herself lay on her own bed and go herself

From what I have read previously - in several cases, here on Gransnet - DIY overdosing is a risky business, and it is not uncommon for people to misjudge the quantity of their chosen drug that is needed, resulting in them surviving but with dreadful lasting physical repercussions to add to their mental trauma!

This is to me one of the strangest arguments in support of assisted dying
Who are we to suggest this woman should have been denied her wish to die peacefully at a choice and manner of her choosing
Our five day vigil and witness with my loveky husband was supported by excellent medical abd ancillary staff. That didn’t help one of our adult children pleading for something to ease his passing, mum you wouldn’t let one of your dogs suffer like this 💙🙏🏽