What is our role as older people?

Luckygirl3

I think many of these replies depend on the level of physical ability that people have. There are many who have serious limitations to the things that they might wish to do.

This. I think it’s very easy to take physical health and mobility for granted when neither is a problem or impacts on everyday life. Many doors are (literally and metaphorically) closed in such circumstances. The other things it’s easy to take for granted are still having your partner, having your children/grandchildren close by and not having financial worries.

For those who asked I believe LD stands for learning difficulties.

crazyH

Fartooold - what is LD ?

Could be learning difficulties?

I am not 'for' anything. My role is to be me - by trying to help family and friends when asked and trying to make a difference by volunteering.

Luckily, my health is reasonable for my age and i aim to enjoy the remaining time of my life.

What a depressing lot of replies, and so limited, only seeing old women's lives in terms of family and friends. (Monica).

I'm not sure why that is depressing. In my case, having worked all my life, now having time (precious) time for family and friends at this stage, is a bonus. I exercise, socialise, do loads of craft - the list is long. I just didn't bother going into detail. Board meetings - now that would depress me 😅 I've has more than enough of those in my lifetime.

When I retired four or so years ago I had no idea that osteoarthritis was lurking round the corner. I had many plans, but these have had to be curtailed. I just do what I can with what I have and enjoy the slower pace of life without work! My DH seems to think he has to fill every day with a planned activity, good for him you say, but he is lucky to have the health I think.

It has never crossed my mind,but now its there,,,,,I can't be bothered to think about it. No offence truly
I'm me,love me or leave me be,I must be of some use or God would take me home

kittylester

I am not 'for' anything. My role is to be me - by trying to help family and friends when asked and trying to make a difference by volunteering.

Luckily, my health is reasonable for my age and i aim to enjoy the remaining time of my life.

I don’t see myself as having a role in life at all.
Yes, I have been /am daughter, wife, mother, granny, friend, sometimes teacher, or counsellor, but in of those “roles” I have been ME - living the life I am lucky enough to have until such time as my allotted span ends.
Our holiday together in France at the moment illustrates for me that if I leave a legacy, it will be three upstanding and intelligent women who all love, like and understand each other, who have chosen to share their lives with three wonderful men who also understand and like each other and are bringing up six wonderful young people to be the best they can be.
Isn’t that what each generation aims to do?

🎶We’re here because
we’re here because
we’re here because we’re here🎶

There’s much good quality research that demonstrates the number of older people who experience loneliness and social isolation. Feeling socially isolated and lonely is bound to be related to feeling you have no role or wondering what you are ‘for’. As I said earlier health and mobility, close by family, having a spouse, being financially secure are all contributory factors in shaping your life in older age. When you can’t access the little things then in a way you end up asking yourself the bigger questions. I remember when Esther Rantzen’s husband died, she talked of the loss of ‘someone to do nothing with’.

I think that because women are usually hardwired to be nurturing and caring towards family they feel the loss of their natural state more keenly.
I can’t think that many men feel like that.
We must remember that we were ourselves before we were ever a wife/mother/ grandmother, and having gone through all that and come out the other side we are now back to being ourselves again, for better or for worse.

I joined a WI group near me and the leader was so bossy, it was a horrible experience to go there. I left. I joined a church craft group and the 85 year old lady leading it was delightful, welcoming, treated everyone equally, and I made a few friends there. Sadly, they started to 'minister' which is why I left. I just was not into their heavy religion. I joined the U3A and went to a class. The woman leading it again was so rude and bossy, I left. I went to a U3A lunch and was approached by men who wanted to pour their hears out, sat next to women who went on and on about their grandchildren and cruises. Sadly, non of this was me. It's not that I don't want to hear about other people's lives, it is just that some older people just seem to be set in a 'me' groove. Luckily, I have now found a new WI group which is like a real sisterhood and I love going to their meetings.

So many of these replies (e.g being on holiday in France with family) depend on physical ability which some do not have; and on not being on your own. Side hustles are great when you can walk, get to shops, go out for the day, go to concert, walk down the garden or indeed do anything without being out of breath........
I am heavily involved with my community: writing for magazine, doing hall bookings, designing local publicity, organising musical stuff ..... things I can do sitting down basically. But I am on my own and have lots of problems with daily life .... I have to husband my energy to do even simple things round the house; and like many others I am in constant pain.
All problems the I am aware are shared by many here.
Which brings me back to my original post based on the observation generally that many contributions to this site have been about making the difficult transition from being active as parent/partner/worker to trying to become someone who is not burdensome .... not being honest when asked how you are, trying not to be a dead weight to family or friends.
Yes .... a depressing post as someone said. But it is the reality for so many.

The inevitable feeling of no longer coming first with anyone is quite hard but living an independent life is important and I am lucky to be able to do that.

I’m firmly in toddler mode.

I do what I’m told I have to do and the rest of the time I just enjoy myself.

As the Dali Lama said “The purpose of life is to be happy.”

At 85 years of age, I do find myself slightly surprised when I wake each morning that I am still here.
I live by myself, totally independently. Have various health conditions, all of which are managed.
When I moved into my flat, I designed all the alterations to suit my more sedentary lift style. Use electric wheelchair or mobility scooter to get to my activities.
Am not needed any more by my children or g.children. BUT, I have several volunteer roles where I AM needed.
Indeed, have actually printed out instructions for my children as to how to pass on appropriate memory sticks, information, keys, etc. etc. to these groups.
Do sometimes feel that I am taking up resources (mainly medical ones), have no idea how long this is likely to continue. I have now 'outlived' both my parents and my only sibling.
I am not actually 'waiting' to die, but am very prepared for this to happen - LPO's, Will and my affairs all in order and in place where all can be easily found.
At my local u3a there are very many of us in our eighties, several in their nineties and one group I attend monthly is run and chaired by a Lady who is now 101!!!!
Suppose we are the first generation of which so many of us live well beyond that three score year and ten.

Oh you posted while I was typing Luckygirl and now I sound dismissive of your post😳

It wasn’t meant like that.

Somehow, after a lifetime of doing things for others, I just don’t feel the need any more.

merlotgran

What is my role?
I think it’s to love and cherish what’s left of my family, make the best of everything that comes my way, keep my independence and reasonably good health for as long as possible, only ask for help if I absolutely have to (usually for practical things)

And be the font of all wisdom, offering advice and understanding without opening my mouth and putting my foot in it (that one’s the hardest)

In order to be this paragon I have to get on with the neighbours, be of use to the community and never, ever whinge. 😇😇

A regular 🍷 or G&T helps enormously.

Interesting reply ....
Loving and cherishing ones family for me has had to take on a different form .... no longer can I look after anyone, give lifts, support their activities .... that cherishing now takes the form of encouragement and expressions of love. A very different scenario now.
Keeping independence and good health as long as possible ... a shared desire of us all I am sure. But when those ships are sailing rapidly over the horizon life takes on a very different hue and needs a rethink.
" .... without opening my mouth and putting my foot in it ..." This relates to part of the point of my original post. When opening your mouth needs thought in order not to load problems onto family/friends even though they are central to your life .... these challenges are what every day is about for many but we feel the need not to burden others. Every day the challenge of the question "How are you?" comes my way .... true answer is not one that anyone else might wish to hear! .... and I do not impose that on them .... so ... I lie! ..... and bash on as people tell me I am so strong ...... hmmmm
.

I used to feel "oh I must be useful to family to be acceptable". but then found out, I didn't need to be "useful", but someone who was there as a caring listener. And I haven't been able to be "useful" for a time on any ways, but what I can maybe only give, is listening.

After all at our age we have all mostly had many life experiences, sorrows, happy bits, aches and pains, and they can inform us.

(And yes I admit avoid, people who just go on about one illness after another with no perception what I might be going through, there is one at the gym who didn't used to be like that and now is, and she has quite a lot of support elsewhere).

I'll be honest tho and dont know how I would be when very ill and helpless, and have due to their circumstances limited expectations of family, except I generally am happy to have "help" and don't feel independence at all costs is terribly important. Agency yes, but not total independence

I'm neither use nor ornament these days.

"Neither use nor ornament" - it's a long time since I heard that phrase! My gran used to say it to me so it looks as though I have come full circle!

It’s like William Morris’ quote - have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful of believe to be beautiful

I suppose my role, insofar as I have ever thought about it, is to carry on enjoying life without being a burden as the years drag by, and to be available to support family and friends, when called upon, however I can.

Fartooold

I reckon at 83 I am here to care for my 3 with LD! Sometimes I feel it is what keeps me going! I have several friends of similar age in the same situation and don’t we rant sometimes!!

LD = learning disability I think.

rafichagran

I do what I want to do. I don't need to have a role.

Quite agree rafichagran I have had many roles in my lifetime now is my time.

*rafichagran

I do what I want to do. I don't need to have a role.

Quite agree rafichagran I have had many roles in my lifetime now is my time.*

But my time to do what when everything you want to do is physically thwarted!?

I am definitely not short of things I want to do .... I am just short of the ability to do them!