Christmas and daughters

So difficult to be pulled in different directions at Christmas, and probably end up feeling bad whatever you do.
I do hope you can resolve it all reasonably peacefully, OP.

Will always remember a university friend of a dd - his divorced parents were both putting pressure on him to spend Christmas with them. He was very upset by being pulled both ways, so dd suggested that he 'solve' it by coming to us instead.

Which he did. I did a stocking for him so he wouldn't feel left out - everyone in this house always gets one - but he came with the one his mother had done! So he had 2!

Dd is still friends with him many years later.

Could both your daughters and family come to you for Christmas?

I agree. She needs to grow up and you need to stop enabling her behaviour.

Between my (second) husband and myself we have quite a large brood but like NfkDumpling - we invite whoever wants to come (and pray they won't ALL come or won't fit them in). I never really feel like going visiting at Christmas. My kids all know this so although we all USED to get together and I would cook dinner, now their own families have expanded they pretty much like staying at their own homes. We have a pre or post Christmas party.

Christmas IS stressful without people turning Diva haha.... but just stick to your guns about it and refuse to feel guilty.

Why not contact all three, say that you want to be with all of them this Christmas but that is impossible and that to avoid upsetting anyone could they agree between them an acceptable division of your time between them.

This throws the responsibility back on them and it is up to the awkward one to co-operate or lose out.

I don't understand why people can be so awkward about who spends Christmas with who, and where. Surely your family realise that you have to split yourself 3 ways. They need to grow up!

So deeply sorry about 3rd dd's miscarriage. Maybe she expected she'd be catered to this Christmas because of it. Or maybe she thinks you and dh "should" want to spend Christmas with the gc you babysit so often.

But even so, you had a right to choose Christmas with the DD you see less often. Plus, as pps have said, she invited you first. The Boxing Day compromise was an excellent idea, imo, and one that is often recommended.

For now, I think you should assume you're going through with your plans. Maybe make Boxing Day a little more special for 3rd DD and family by treating them to dinner out.

But if she is "barely speaking to" you by Christmas, chances are there won't be any BD visit. Hopefully, she'll soften by then, if only because it's Christmas.

However, if she wants you to continue to babysit, she needs to be more respectful. You may have to let her know you find it hard to babysit for someone who doesn't speak to you.

If you really love someone, you want them to be happy with whatever they choose to do and whilst, as parents, we often adhere to that, our children tend to find it somewhat difficult. I wouldn't even consider the fact that you travel so far to babysit for her as presumably you are happy with the arrangement and this isn't a "contra" situation. Even discussing it strikes me as being provocative. I would just say to your daughter that you love them all equally, you would be with them all if that were physically possible and if there is an invitation for Christmas next year, you would be honoured to accept. I would acknowledge her hurt feelings but suggest that if she accepts what you say as coming from a place that is full of love and equality, she will understand that no slight was intended. No arguments entered into, no harsh words from you no matter how you are provoked and things should blow over. Good luck.

Its simple really, , i just have christmas at my house, invite everyone and those that want and can, come, those that have other obligations dont, and it does not matter one fig, never take offence, keep the door open, thats what family love is a ll about, and there is always next year, hopefully lol!!!

You have come up with a really good plan,I hope you stick to it & enjoy it. I know that feeling that we get in our hearts when we can't be all things to all our children at the same time. Stay firm, try to put worrying about 3rd daughter to the back of your mind, in some ways you maybe helping her to cope with situations that don't always go her way, I think we Grans always live with a slight unease in our hearts we just have to learn to be a little tougher. Good luck

Me....well............. one of my DD is going away for C..won't be back till boxing day (I shall be working then)

My mum and dad are going to stay at my brothers for xmas eve and xmas day.

My other DD who lives nearby with 2 Gsns is not sure what she will be doing due to circumstances.

So....... I am making a list of dvds I would like to watch(one being "The witches of Eastwick " yes I know an oldie!
East is East/ One flew over the cuckoos nest /Chocolat'e (Jonny Depp) not sure what else. I am visiting the charity shops looking for them.

Then a list of snacks/nibbles/easy cook meal/ drinkies etc/some nice candles to burn and chill out

If DDs and GSs would like to join in and stay over night, in which case DD and myself will chill when GSs have gone bed, thats fine (may have to search for Willy Wonka in that case .

That is my xmas day sorted...no stress ...no hassle

Both my DD's live in the US and Oz, with grownup grandchildren in US and 2 little GD's in Oz.
I would love to have them living near for Christmas and have the joy of family coming to Christmas dinner.
But they live so far apart from each other that it hasn't happened for many years.
I went to OZ for Christmas last year, but I haven't seen my daughter in US. For 2 years, as since the ones in Oz are younger, I concentrate on visting them.
My eldest in the US is wonderful about it and will be visiting us in the Uk next year.
Just DH and I for Xmas this year.

So sorry to hear of your situation Hollie57 - this will be a sad time for you but hopefully you will get to see your GC at some point. But I do think 'it is just one day' and so long as I get to see our DGC on a day over the holiday I don't mind if it isn't on THE DAY. The 25th can be such a hectic day with GC that it can be a blessing to share a different day with them. My elderly Mum will be with us as per and each year I wonder if it will be her last and we make the most of it. Christmas for me is about love and family and it is so sad that for many people it is such a difficult time of year for all sorts of reasons. Good luck everyone!

Go away for xmas Problem solved.

We always say we're at home for Christmas. If you'd like to come we'd be pleased to see you, and if you'd rather not, then that's all right too, we'll see you some other time. No-one's upset, the grandchildren get to play with ALL their presents rather than just the few they're allowed to bring with them to Grandma's. Four people aren't squashed on a settee designed for two and it's RELAXED!

I'm lucky not to have the problem of upsetting more than one child. Though I have upset my only child this year! I'm not spending 'C' with her or my dgd, I'm going home 500 miles to spend it with my mum!
It's the first Xmas I'll have spent with my mum in about 10 yrs! I'm thoroughly looking forward to too ?
I hope your dd calms down and accepts the arrangements as you've made them ?

"Our 3rd D , who we travel 40 miles each way to babysit for every week, is very upset and now barely speaking to us, although she still needs us to baby sit."

Honestly, someone who is barely speaking to you is not entitled to have you run after them. So if she 'needs' you to babysit, she can damned well be polite to you!

I think the problem you really have is that you pander to her. You describe her as "a very emotional an often irrational character," - do you treat her with kid gloves, trying to prevent her having a tantrum at you? Because it is likely that your pussyfooting is read by her as a green light to treat you badly. The fact that you say "I am very upset that I have upset her" suggests to me that this may well be the case.

So, put your foot down, woman! Grow a spine! Tell her to give herself a shake, you're going to your eldest daughter's for Christmas, not only because you haven't done Christmas with her for a few years but also because SHE ASKED FIRST. She is an adult and it's high time you expected adult behaviour from her.

We seem to fall into opposite end of the spectrum. So far, we've spend every Christmas on our own since the GKs came along, apart from one. The logic being, as someone has mentioned that Christmas is for the GKs. We long to spend Christmases with family.... Instead we are allocated a few hours one weekend in December, as near to Christmas as they can muster. Can't help feeling left out.

I just hate these Christmas ads showing lots of family having a wonderful time.

Just goes to show, families aren't all ideal and we have to make the best of it I guess.

We have 4 DSs. Two are abroad.
The other 2 live locally, within 5-10 minutes.

After many years of me hosting, my eldest DIL started to host, mainly to keep dgc happy in their own home. We and DILs parents have been invited for several years. (DILs parents have 24/7 commitments all year and usually manage to get a couple of hours to call and have dinner)

This year DILs parents have suggested they might like to host for DIL and her siblings, committments permitting. This would not include us.
DILs parents give us a farm turkey/goose.... whatever, each year.

Our youngest DS and wife usually host DILs parents and they stay over. DS asked us what we were doing at Christmas. I told him maybe at other DILs, maybe not, nothing confirmed yet. Youngest DS says Well if not there, bring 2 chairs and a trifle and come to us.
It's still vague.
Noone is offended.

Since we ceased hosting Christmas Day - Usually we have open house on Boxing Day. Whoever wants calls in and this includes some sisters n law, a few nephews etc.
I roast on Boxing morning, serve the turkey (carved), stuffing, tiny sausages/bacon, make baby potato salad, a couple of nice breads. A couple of trifles. All laid on the dining table as a buffet. A black bin bag on the kitchen door for rubbish. I've been known to use decent disposable plates. We have a few bottles but really anyone wanting alcohol, bring your own.

Food available from about 4pm, come when you want, or don't want. The food available won't spoil.

Usually we end up with 12 or 14, and sometimes a random relation/friend tags along, plenty of kids. I don't bother to clean especially beforehand and just make sure the bathroom is looking good and a bedroom to throw coats into.
Plenty of leftovers for a few days.

I hope we can continue like this, i.e. go with the flow.

I trying to expect not too much and it usually works out ok.

Your plan seems fine. It’s VERY difficult to please everyone, and your 3rd daughter will doubtless come round to the plan. Hope it’s all resolved amicably .... it should, of course, be the season of peace and goodwill.

Our situation is complicated in that one darling gs has his birthday on Boxing Day .... and my dd’s in-laws insist on having them that day even if it means EVERYONE driving for three hours plus on Boxing Day.

We would be very happy to have a second informal Christmas and birthday event later in the month, so that dd and her family are not driving all over the country and can have a relaxing time during the holiday. Families .... !

?

Just wondering if there would be room for D2 to ask D3 to join you all this year, D3 may well still be suffering after miscarriage. You can only do what you can I hope it all sorts itself out.

Things get so complicated when children get married and there are in laws to consider etc, I must admit I don’t think we had any major issues re parents / in-laws when the children were young. We took turns but never had a “it’s your turn this year” scenario, if we didn’t see them in Christmas Day we sorted Something out over the holiday period. you cant please everyone so just please yourself!

Christmas can be so difficult. Usually the whole family comes to us, but to be honest I find the amount of work hubby and I have to do is too much. I've tried suggesting that they all do their own thing, and hubby and I go out for a hotel lunch but it seems hubby doesn't want that. I hope the OP can come to a compromise with her daughter. Life shouldn't be so hard!

You are so lucky to have the choices. To be with your children this is going to be the most difficult Christmas for me to cope with we always go to only daughters house for Christmas lunch and to be with grandsons but our daughter decided to separate from her husband in may and we will not be able to be with them all this Christmas so desperately sad about the whole situation but just have to get on with it
With my hubbie and elderly mum hope everyone has a lovely Christmas what ever they are doing.????

It's impossible to please everyone. I wonder if D3 feels a bit overlooked as she's the youngest. However, I'd go with the first invitation as that's the polite thing to do.
In future years couldn't they come to you? Maybe you could all go to the local pub for the pre-arranged big dinner so that you're not lumbered with all the cooking.