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Christmas and daughters

(48 Posts)
LongtoothedGran Thu 02-Nov-17 07:54:41

I have 3 daughters, each has children. Our 2nd has asked us all to her house just after christmas. The 1st then asked us for Christmas, and a few days later our 3rd also asked us for Christmas. We were torn between the 2, but decided to go to the 1st, as we have not spent C with them for several years, do a 60 mile journey on boxing day morning to be with the 3rd for lunch. Our 3rd D , who we travel 40 miles each way to babysit for every week, is very upset and now barely speaking to us, although she still needs us to baby sit. She has only made the 40 mile journey to see us once since last Christmas, although she and her husband have 10 weeks holiday a year. I am very upset that I have upset her, I thought it was a reasonable compromise. She is a very emotional an often irrational character, I suspect still a bit depressed after a miscarriage inthe spring.
What can I do? It is causing a rift with someone I love so much.

NfkDumpling Thu 02-Nov-17 08:25:32

Christmas is soooo difficult!

We decided when our three (2 DDs and a DS) set up homes that at Christmas we would feed whoever choose to join us we didn’t get into the muddle as to who’s turn it was to go to who’s house. At Easter, when there’s always a four day break and the weather is better we have a family gathering at our house with an Easter egg hunt in the garden for the GC. DD1 and family usually stay over although it’s getting rather tight.

This has worked well - until this year when we found ourselves likely to be having Christmas on our own! (DD2 has now asked us to join her family and in-laws for Christmas dinner.)

Can you talk to you SiL to see if he can talk your daughter round? After all you are going there on Boxing Day.

Or perhaps ask all of them to your house? Then it’d be up to them who turned up!

BlueBelle Thu 02-Nov-17 08:37:53

It’s very very hard and one of the reasons I find Christmas such a difficult time I won’t go into all my family dynamics but just to say, you can’t do right for doing wrong whatever you do someone’s going to be upset I personally wouldn’t talk to the son in law she’d see that as going behind her back and might cause a row between them
If I was you I d stay at home and tell any of them they re welcome to join you if they want ...bah humbug and all that

MawBroon Thu 02-Nov-17 08:51:16

Oh the emotional baggage of Christmas. We too have 3 DDs all married, two with children, two 11/2 hours away in London, 1 11/2 hours in the opposite direction. I used to get teased about bringing up the C word as early as September but this year, partly in response to Paw’s health issues, the 3 of them on a weekend away together came up with a PLAN, well more exactly 4 plans for us to consider as he can’t really commit to travelling or staying over.
Because the plans were “theirs” I felt able to discuss the pros and cons and with huge relief we have arrived st a compromise which excludes nobody, means I still get to see all my DGCs but also takes account of THEIR in-laws and our sisters in law (the Aunties) who have always looked to us for Christmas since MIL died and can’t be left out of the mix. It’s complicated but has saved much heartache. May be worth a try in the future?
No advice, just feeling your pain.

merlotgran Thu 02-Nov-17 09:00:24

How I wish DD2 and DS lived only 40 miles away instead of three hours in opposite directions.

eazybee Thu 02-Nov-17 09:05:59

Simple. You accept the first invitation. If she was so desperate to invite you for Christmas she should have asked you earlier.

MawBroon Thu 02-Nov-17 09:08:09

With 3 AC one way is to divvy up the 3 days-Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day if you are thinking of spending time with each. Who does the hosting and who travels can depend on ability and space. Personally I came round to the conclusion a long time ago when the girls were small, that small children should be in their own home on C morning not stuck in the back of a car. But the daughters must stop seeing this as a tug of love . What about the other GPs? They will want to spend time with their DGC too.

Stansgran Thu 02-Nov-17 09:22:16

I have always said that to the two daughters you're welcome for Christmas here or Saas Fee or Timbuktu. I am never going to be one of those mothers who become " devastated" because their dc are going to the in laws for their few days off. I was always taught that you accept an invitation and don't change your mind.

NonnaW Thu 02-Nov-17 09:38:19

No problems this year - we are going to a cottage, just us and the dogs.

hildajenniJ Thu 02-Nov-17 09:43:47

I am the eldest of three daughters. My parents spent Christmas with each of us in rotation. They though that the fairest way of doing it. None of us were more than one and a half hours drive away. We all met up at one of our houses on Boxing day for a big family get together. We did that in rotation too.

NemosMum Thu 02-Nov-17 10:07:35

Longtooth, your eldest daughter asked you first, and you accepted. Daughter No. 3 IS being irrational: "she is upset that I have upset her". She will get over it, especially as she needs the weekly childcare. Don't give in to unreasonable arguments, just because she's shouting loudest! Just keep smiling and being 'normal' to keep the temperature down.

HthrEdmndsn Thu 02-Nov-17 10:11:41

To me this is so easy. You go to whoever asked first (and accepted). If you have accepted one invitation, you do not back out because another invitation has come. Never mind any extenuating circumstances.

Totallylost Thu 02-Nov-17 10:17:00

I do feel for you it's so had trying to please everyone. When my DH was alive we used to, that's DD and step children, rent a cottage or house somewhere accessible to us all, we all paid into the pot and it worked out so well, to cover some of the expenses there were no Christmas presents for adults just the children . We also used to pay into a savings account each month that way it didn't come as too much of a shock. Now my DH s no longer here I'm going to my DD . I do hope you find a way round things .

Coconut Thu 02-Nov-17 10:23:19

I personally would have a 4 way chat with all your daughters and you, whether it’s face to face ( ideally) but logistically by email/letter if necessary. Being parents themselves they should 100% understand that you love them all the same and would never want any of them to think otherwise. But, you cannot split yourself 3 ways, so an Xmas rota has to be put in place for fairness to everyone. I would ask them to come up with suggestions and be honest with them all about how torn this is making you feel. It has to be resolved or you will just loathe Xmas every year with this situation constantly arising. It could be an annual event, getting together to plan Xmas manoeuvres ! I have 3 to share my self with too, but we have always come up with mutual dates around Xmas/New Year, so I have been lucky. So hope it works out peacefully for you 🕊

lemongrove Thu 02-Nov-17 10:23:47

You were invited and accepted, quite reasonable, isn’t it?
Our AC still sometimes forget they are adults.
If you have already explained this to your DD, just continue to be friendly, but if it’s brought up again, say that first invitations have to be accepted.🍀

Harris27 Thu 02-Nov-17 10:25:06

Isn't Christmas a chore! Planning cooking buying arranging ! I just say now come if you want and do your own thing if you want to too!!! Makes it plain and easy! I've sons much easier!!!!

theresacoo Thu 02-Nov-17 10:32:22

Agree with Easybee.
Go to whoever asked first.

maryhoffman37 Thu 02-Nov-17 10:40:28

I have three daughters too, two with children. We discuss Christmas arrangements with each other in advance as they all have in-laws to consider. I would neve make a decision and then inform them of it. I hope you can work it out.

acanthus Thu 02-Nov-17 10:44:46

I agree with others - go with the first invitation. Once the GC came along we told our DDs to enjoy Christmas Day in their own homes - far too much excitement for the GC to be carted off in the middle of enjoying what Father Christmas has brought. They all descend on us on Boxing Day - far more relaxed, and less cooking for me as I usually make a huge risotto or paella and there is also plenty left over from Christmas Day.

maddy629 Thu 02-Nov-17 11:00:41

We take it in turns at Christmas to go to our son and daughters houses. One year we all spend Boxing Day at our son and daughter in laws house, the next year we all spend Boxing Day at our daughter and son in laws house and the next year they all come to us. It saves arguments and the grandchildren get to spend the day with their cousins. It's our turn to host Boxing Day this year, I can't wait.

pollyperkins Thu 02-Nov-17 11:01:24

We had exactly the same problem a few years ago when our DD invited us to tgem for Christmas for the first time. Our DS them said they were expecting to come to us az they often do. We atuck with the arrangement ( explained to him the dilemma) and they all came us for Boxing Day. We made sure we spent Christmas with DS the following year! It is always difficult when they all have in laws to consider too but so far we haven't had a falling out. I'd go with the first arrangement and spend Boxing Day with your other dsughter as you suggested. She'll come round, esp as she needs you to babysit!

Suze56 Thu 02-Nov-17 11:03:15

Stick with your plans which are more than reasonable. D3 is a grown up and needs to 'grow up' !

radicalnan Thu 02-Nov-17 11:09:55

It is just another day, why let it grow into soething miserable??? Hype about how wonderful it shoud a ll be causes such a lot of upsets.

Stick to your arrangements, adult children ought to be able to count sufficiently well to work out that parents can't be with everyone at once, nor should they expect it.

There will still be Skype or phone calls and plenty of other high days, holidays and just days to be together.

lovebeigecardigans1955 Thu 02-Nov-17 11:41:41

It's impossible to please everyone. I wonder if D3 feels a bit overlooked as she's the youngest. However, I'd go with the first invitation as that's the polite thing to do.
In future years couldn't they come to you? Maybe you could all go to the local pub for the pre-arranged big dinner so that you're not lumbered with all the cooking.

hollie57 Thu 02-Nov-17 11:44:07

You are so lucky to have the choices. To be with your children this is going to be the most difficult Christmas for me to cope with we always go to only daughters house for Christmas lunch and to be with grandsons but our daughter decided to separate from her husband in may and we will not be able to be with them all this Christmas so desperately sad about the whole situation but just have to get on with it
With my hubbie and elderly mum hope everyone has a lovely Christmas what ever they are doing.🌲🌲🌲🌲