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Christmas

Separate for Christmas?

(28 Posts)
Lynker Thu 28-Dec-17 18:16:07

Just wondering if anyone, on their second marriage, with 2 sets of children/grandchildren, has ever gone separately to spend Christmas with their 'own' family? Did it work?

vampirequeen Thu 28-Dec-17 21:39:46

I've never tried that. We have my younger stepchildren for alternate Christmas/Boxing Days and my DDs/DGC visit on whichever day my stepchildren are here. We don't do big family get togethers. DDs etc visit for a couple of hours. Long enough for the children to play for a while and talk about what Father Christmas brought.

vampirequeen Thu 28-Dec-17 21:41:06

I should say that DH's older children live at opposite ends of the country so visiting them for a couple of hours isn't really an option.

Also we decided when we married (six years ago) that we would start new Christmas traditions that were just for the two of us.

Cabbie21 Thu 28-Dec-17 22:24:49

DH and I always spend Christmas Day together, but after that he goes to spend time with his daughter 200 miles away. My family live locally, but DS is away for a week. Have seen DD and GC, also my sister, but actually I do feel a bit abandoned.

Bridgeit Thu 28-Dec-17 22:27:33

Sounds like a good idea if you are able to adopt a practical attitude to it. Then you can both have your own private Christmas another day .

cornergran Fri 29-Dec-17 00:19:20

Depends how you want to spend Christmas and who you want to spend it with. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong here but I do think it’s important both parties agree and one doesn’t feel manoeuvred into something they really would prefer not to do.

Lynker Fri 29-Dec-17 09:54:33

Thank you for your comments. My problem is that my daughter has always spent Christmas day either at my house or hers. It's just always been the case. My husband now says next year he wants to see his family on Christmas day. I have absolutely no problem with him going to spend the day with them, but he says I should go with him. Basically his ex wife would be there, they have a very small house, several dogs and several children. I wouldn't want to leave my daughter and family on their own and I can't understand why he thinks I have to go. We always have his family here on Boxing day. I cannot believe I am already thinking about next year.

NemosMum Fri 29-Dec-17 11:10:39

Lynker, your husband's family does not come before yours (or vice versa). If he wants to see his children/grandchildren every Christmas Day, that's up to him, but he cannot insist on you going with him, to the exclusion of your DD & family. You can always be together on Boxing Day.

icanhandthemback Fri 29-Dec-17 11:20:13

If it has always been the case that your family has come first, couldn't you find it in your heart to put his first for once? Your daughter will still be there when you come back and normal service can be resumed the following year. It seems incredibly selfish to me that you can't make that sacrifice for your husband...my mother is the same with her partner and we now don't invite her on the year that is 'his' turn. She cribs like hell but somehow survives!

GabriellaG Fri 29-Dec-17 11:30:32

Why not invite your husband's family to YOUR house on Christmas day instead of Boxing Day and your daughter and family on Boxing Day?

Persistentdonor Fri 29-Dec-17 11:38:44

It seems a shame to live life arranged on a spread sheet, but families are SO complicated these days.
A young couple with children will probably visit one set of grandparents on 25th and the other set on 26th. Often the couple will alternate that over the years.
Many grandparents could make the same arrangements for visiting their gc.
The major problem is when there is a distance to cover, in which case it becomes a question of xmas vs new year, which can also be alternated over the years, and might even make it esier if there is more than one set of gc to be visited for each gp.

IngeJones Fri 29-Dec-17 11:53:45

I think Charles and Camilla spend some time apart with their own families too? She's there at the big royal xmas eve and morning church, but I think I heard she then goes off to her old home that she's kept and has her kids and grandkids to stay with her there, leaving Charles to do his shooting

Nannyme Fri 29-Dec-17 11:55:38

We all spend Christmas together, christmas day with one daughter and boxing day with the other daughter and each day with respective ex’s - its not ideal but it’s only two days. I don’t particularly like the arrangement but it seems to keep everyone happy, i love coming back home though 😁

theresacoo Fri 29-Dec-17 11:56:18

You have them all or take turns or go away for Christmas

Katerina0822 Fri 29-Dec-17 12:03:22

For lots of reasons , my second husband and I do not put our two families together -5 kids and 4 grand kids between us. I have lovely times with my children separately. We don’t conform to the traditional family ideal and I now accept it. When the nuclear family falls apart it gets complicated and we just do the best we can with what we have. I think as long as you get to spend time with whoever you want to, it doesn’t have to be a big deal that it’s not on the ‘actual day’.

fluttERBY123 Fri 29-Dec-17 12:08:18

You have to be fair. My dil insists they spend Christmas Day, every year with her family which means I never see that son on Christmas Day. See other family but it irks. If your dh is always there when your family comes it seems only fair you do the same for him. Your DD will survive a Christmas without you.

TillyWhiz Fri 29-Dec-17 12:40:26

I am wondering how your husband used to spend his Christmas Day - with his family? Perhaps alternate years so you both get a Christmas Day you want every second year and see the other family on Boxing Day. Your DD will not be alone, she has her family with her.

MissAdventure Fri 29-Dec-17 12:44:24

It seems as if its quite important to your husband, so perhaps you could at least consider it.

Lynker Fri 29-Dec-17 13:22:55

My husband had a very poor relationship with his family when we met.....he has seen how close I am to my family (having brought them up on my own) and he wants to be the same with his.....they are not really interested, actually they hold many grudges.....my family comes before him....but maybe I am being selfish. Thank again for your input.

IngeJones Fri 29-Dec-17 13:26:46

Lynker did you say whether there were large distances involved? If not I'd suggest doing xmas together - you and he go together to his family xmas day then yours boxing day, then switch the following year. You might find you enjoy his family and vice versa and your input into his family might help to bring everyone closer together until one year the whole lot of you could enjoy it together maybe!

vintageclassics Fri 29-Dec-17 13:27:29

We always treated our children as "ours" irrespective of who's they are biologically - we have 5 between us (plus their Husbands / Wives) and 7 grandchildren plus 2 step grandchildren - we live in a small cottage and have everyone over either Christmas Day or Boxing Day and we manage very well - it's organised chaos but wouldn't have it any other way. This year was an exception - two of our Children (and their families) spent Christmas abroad so we had an early get-together in early December instead and for a change at a hotel (where Santa visited for the little ones) - we then had Christmas with just the two of us (which was also lovely) but I am already looking forward to having them all again to us next year! Christmas (and families - step or otherwise) are entirely what you make it! Personally I love them all to be together

Mumsyface Fri 29-Dec-17 14:05:58

Last year my son bought his family to the UK for Xmas. He rented a holiday cottage knowing that my other sons ex-wife, new husband and children would be at home (alternate xmases in Ireland with her family). We were going to rent a cottage in the same area but my husband was humming and harring until eventually he told me that he didn’t want to go and would I mind very much if he didn’t as he doesn’t like my exDiL and my DiL doesn’t like him. He didn’t make any attempt to stop me going as he would know that that just wouldn’t happen. I went and stayed with m y son and his family in the rented cottage and had a wonderful time babysitting whilst the young people went out a lot. I invited my exDiL and her family for Xmas lunch which my son who is a chef cooked, I spent New Year’s Eve on the sofa with chocolates and wine on Skype with DH and a jolly good time was had by all. DH has a great time because so many people here (in Spain) felt sorry for him that he was invited out over and over. We don’t have to buy into the media promoted idea of a perfect family having a perfect Christmas. We can get excellent results by doing things our own way.

TillyWhiz Fri 29-Dec-17 14:24:15

Lynker, I understand more now you've explained further and you perhaps are afraid with the ex and yourself there, it could be used as a battleground. I think you need to try this once; it might, it might not but at least you tried.

Lilylilo Fri 29-Dec-17 14:43:45

My dh spent one Christmas 200miles away with his eldest daughter, her husband and children, his other daughter and his ex wife - they all got food poisoning and he never did that again!

Ilovecheese Fri 29-Dec-17 15:01:56

I think your husband is paying you a compliment by wanting you to go with him. He is showing his ex wife and family that you are just as much his wife as she was, that his marriage to you is just as important as his marriage to her.
I agree that it might not be much fun for you, but perhaps he wants to make that sort of statement.
Your daughter will appreciate you even more next year, it is not as if you are leaving her alone.