Treating Grandchildren differently

Being 84 is no excuse for bad behavior unless there is a mental defect due to Alzheimer or some other type of dementia. She does seem to remember the falling out years earlier which shows her memory hasn't failed.....yet.

If she's punishing her innocent grandchildren over it, who had nothing to do, best approach is to keep protecting them so they don't realize they're being 'shunned'.

Sometimes early onset of dementia changes personality. Whatever happened in the past, it affected you both and she's still hurting . Maybe there's still time to mend...A mother always loves her children and she obviously still loves you, otherwise why all the fuss?

Yes she used to buy gifts and send cards and she does have a relationship with them, they ask why she has stopped. But you are right, I have not mentioned anything to them for this year and I wont cause they don't have to know that. I have gone through my whole life with parents who play one off against another and I now realise that this is what has to stop. I have taken the good advice given here and trying to rise above her actions. The fact that she is spending Christmas day with me and my family is testimony to my lack of animosity towards her.

nanny piano thank you for your response, I have to say that coming onto Gransnet to air concerns has been a great help to me. My children, grandchildren or me don't want gifts, and I understand the effort that goes into to it, I am a grandmother to 15. My expectation is to not discriminate and give cards and gifts to one without the other. It is not about the giving of anything, but the equal treatment of all children which is lacking in my family.

I think I would be hurt too . But best to just ignore it. From what you have said she may be trying to hurt you if so don't let her , just enjoy your lovely children and grandchildren.

Have you asked your mother why she stopped sending cards and gifts? Maybe she has an understandable reason?

I can understand you bring upset by this but I would ignore it now Pracatan.
Who know, why your Mother is being so unfair to your children and grandchildren, when the argument was with you.
I buy for my children and grandchildren only, no nieces or nephews but I am scrupulously fair with it.
They all get money for birthdays including my son's Stepdaughter
and presents for Christmas.
Even though I very rarely see the GStepdaughter, she is treated exactly the same, to do any different would upset my lovely Dil.

My SilL does this with my daughter and grandkids. She buys birthday and Christmas presents for other niece / nephew and their kids, but if mine get anything at all it's invariably late. My daughter used to get very hurt but now dismisses her and her pettiness

Being hurt doesn't always equate with having to do something about it.
We've all been hurt at different times for just reasons, but well..

maddyone
I understand the hurt feelings but we aren't in control of what others choose to do. You can either let it affect you or forget it. Like picking a sore. It will never heal and in the end you scar yourself.

Margarita? Play your keyboard and give us a song.

You’re right Gabriella, but at the same time OP is hurt. She’s talking about the hurt, not the gifts.

It's ONE day out of 365 and frankly, I can't see that working yourself into a snit is going to change things.
Are the presents things that your other relations get, really what they want and love to receive? Personally, I used to hate getting a box of embroidered hankies or a brush and comb set.
Is it worth getting into a stew? Health-wise, no. Enjoy her for who she is as it's far too late to try changing her now.

My stepmother used to tell me they were spending £5 on all of the grandchildren then straight after started telling me she had ordered a fisher price dolls house with added extras for her own granddaughter! We would never have known if she hadn’t told us! I didn’t react as she was extremely manipulative and that was what she wanted but it did make me sad at the time. Just don’t understand why people go out of their way to try and hurt others.
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Pracatan you are fighting old battles and making yourself miserable. Just shrug your shoulders and let it go!

The problem here is that the OP feels hurt. It’s hardly surprising, her mother gives gifts/money to some of her grandchildren but not to others. This is not about the OP, it is about an old lady who is behaving in an unkind and bitter way. X

Some 80+ people can’t go shopping, my mother is 91 and can’t do Christmas shopping so she gives her grandchildren and great grandchildren money. Not a lot, but gives the gift never the less. My PiL also give money, they are both 91 too.

I'm sure the grandchildren couldn't care less. I'm more concerned that you won't accept the card and gift she buys for you. Sounds like you are keeping the bad feeling going.

It strikes me (and I may be wrong) that your children and grandchildren would be none the wiser if you hadn't told them that they were being unfairly treated. I would have kept quiet so they weren't upset. Then I would have let it go.

I'm only in my 70's and finding present buying too much effort and too expensive.So at 80+ it is far too much to expect gifts. Everyone in my family has too much and have everything they want and need. It's usually too much trouble for them to say thank you and the younger members don't even ask after my health even though I have been very ill of late. So enough is enough from now on. Scrooge or not.

Very hurtful.....

I agree with Maryeliza, this behaviour is awful and Rey hurtful. Age is not an excuse for nastiness, unless the elderly person is demented. Many of our Gransnetters are over 80 and write comments and join in discussion just the same as our younger Gransnetters who in some cases are only in their 40s and 50s. This grandmother should pull her socks up and behave properly. No grandparent should discriminate against any of their grandchildren.

Thanks All for your comments it’s given food for thought. There are other issues, too many to go into, but I’ve concluded that it’s only me that is hurting. My Daughters Have no expectations of their Grandmother even though she was a positive influence on them for many years and it is this that angers them. I am fortunate to have raised caring wise children

I understand why you are hurt and angry as it’s on others behalf! I don’t know why she behaves this way, but as others have said your daughters appear to be very sensible and I doubt the children notice.
I would just ignore her behaviour, and to be honest keep contact with her to a minimum if it’s making you upset.

I don't think the children will be as upset as you think. If their parents don't talk about it in front of them or draw their attention to the relationship, the children will probably disregard the great grandparents as a factor in their lives. We had various family members we had no contact with and I never gave them a thought as a child until I was pretty much grown up, and then it was only casual musings. It would be different if the relatives turned up and a family gathering and handed gifts to some children and not others, right in front of their eyes, but that's not happening here is it?

Give up complaining.

Be the change you want to see.