Treating Grandchildren differently

Quite frankly, and I don’t mean to sound harsh, but surely it is her business who she sends cards and presents too. It doesn’t bother your children ..... why does it bother you? Let it go ......

Life is too short to take offence on others behalf , she is 84 and surely it is up to her to send or not send cards . If the girls were bothered that would hurt me , but she is the loser in the end xxx

If I were you Prac I’d feel the same - your mother may have the might but she doesn’t have the right to behave like that. Good you told her what you think - but your dds sounds wise. You have to manage it but that doesn’t mean liking it or not being hurt.

Being 84 is no excuse for behaving horribly - why should it be?

I could understand if she had fallen out with them. Did they take sides with you when you feel out with your mother? If not, then I'm surprised at her actions.

I wouldn't be expecting an 84 year old to be buying presents and sending cards. I agree with Pythagorus let it go.

How much contact do you, your children and grandchildren have with her, have had with her over the last year or two? Do they ever visit or call her?

I wouldn't be expecting an 84 year old to be buying presents and sending cards
Me neither

Who told you that she sends gifts to her other grandchildren and great-grandchildren?
You could send them a wooden spoon (gift-wrapped of course).

Your DD are not worried, they are being sensible.

Hmmmmm

Its understandable that you're hurt, but probably better to do nothing, for everyone's peace of mind.

My eldest daughter and her child are completely missed out by my ex husband, whilst her younger sister and her children receive very generous gifts.
Sometimes I would love to say "do you remember you have two children" so I fully understand that you are hurt but, as previous posters have said, you have to let it go.

Does she see them?
I give gifts to the relatives children that I see. Not to the ones I dont. The gift is a token of the telationship, if there isnt much contact then gifts are silly, and wont reflect the recipient's personality because you dont know it!

I don't know her personality Pracatan but I know for sure that my friend's 93 year old mother does something very similar, purely to cause upset and friction - it's her main pleasure in life, sorry to say it but my friend 100% agrees. Such as buying generous gifts for 2 of my friend's DD's children (i.e., her GGC) and for the other DD giving my friend 50p to buy her a card. My friend is used to it after all these years but still gets upset - I get angry on the child's behalf because she is the most beautiful and kind child, yet treated like some kind of outcast ?
So if your mother is of this same nasty frame of mind and her main pleasure in life now is upsetting people, I just feel for you because I think it's probably you she is trying to hurt.

There really isn't any point in getting offended on behalf of the grandchildren. Do they even know that some are getting gifts and some not ? Does it bother them ? I'd let it go - not worth getting upset about.

She only does it to annoy because she knows it teases.

So leave her to it. Ignore it. Act to her as if you are not bothered one way or another.

I'd be very upset, too, so do understand perfectly how you feel.
I dare say it upsets you a lot more than it does your dds or Gdcs though - you naturally feel so hurt on their behalf, more so than if it were you she was leaving out.

After your previous falling out, maybe she is purposely doing it to upset you, as a pp suggested. Whatever, though, I would let it go, don't rub it in that she's upsetting you, since if that's what she's aiming for, she'll have achieved her purpose.
There's surely nothing more irritating for anyone trying to upset you than a serene smile, as if you haven't even noticed!

This I either her general disposition, peevish, or the onset of dementia which can change a person.

I think I'd ignore her attitude and actions.

Pracatan I love your name and feel a song coming on .......

Quite often as people get older they have changes in personality and perspective . My elderly year old dad forgets all my kids birthdays but remembers other people's and my other nephews . Both my mum in law and mum started to change long before actual dementia was diagnosed , but only in little ways and it is only looking back I can see that perhaps it was the very start.

I can see how hurtful this would be but if my children weren’t similarly hurt then I would let it go. I am reminded of what my Mum used to say, ‘What you don’t get you don’t have to say thank you for’. Material things aren’t as important as love and you obviously have that with your children and grandchildren.

Do your children and grandchildren send cards and gifts to her? I have to admit that my sending/giving pattern reflects how others treat me - two years of no Christmas card and you're off my list!

Give up complaining.

Be the change you want to see.

I don't think the children will be as upset as you think. If their parents don't talk about it in front of them or draw their attention to the relationship, the children will probably disregard the great grandparents as a factor in their lives. We had various family members we had no contact with and I never gave them a thought as a child until I was pretty much grown up, and then it was only casual musings. It would be different if the relatives turned up and a family gathering and handed gifts to some children and not others, right in front of their eyes, but that's not happening here is it?