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Treating Grandchildren differently

(73 Posts)
Pracatan Tue 11-Dec-18 19:11:09

I have a dilemma and don't know how to deal with it, I have an 84 year old Mother and have just realised that she is completely cuttong off my children and grandchildren when it comes to the sending of cards and gifts and Christmas and birthdays. I was under the assumption that she no longer sent gifts and cards to any other grandchildren owing to our large family and her being a widow, but hav just found out that it is my children (grown up) and grandchildren that she does not send to. We had a falling out some years ago, and she blames this for her not sending cards. She does give me a card and present but I don't want accept these gifts form her. I have told her that she is being cruel by her actions as the children have done no wrong, she always used to buy for them. Its not about the gifts and stuff but the fact that she is deliberately excluding them. I am very hurt and upset by it. My girls say to manage the situation as she is getting on in year , and I have a mind to do that but she hurts me by her actions and I cannot tolerate the blatant actions.

Pythagorus Tue 11-Dec-18 19:36:42

Quite frankly, and I don’t mean to sound harsh, but surely it is her business who she sends cards and presents too. It doesn’t bother your children ..... why does it bother you? Let it go ......

aggie Tue 11-Dec-18 19:42:01

Life is too short to take offence on others behalf , she is 84 and surely it is up to her to send or not send cards . If the girls were bothered that would hurt me , but she is the loser in the end xxx

maryeliza54 Tue 11-Dec-18 19:43:46

If I were you Prac I’d feel the same - your mother may have the might but she doesn’t have the right to behave like that. Good you told her what you think - but your dds sounds wise. You have to manage it but that doesn’t mean liking it or not being hurt.

maryeliza54 Tue 11-Dec-18 19:44:34

Being 84 is no excuse for behaving horribly - why should it be?

Doodle Tue 11-Dec-18 19:50:04

I could understand if she had fallen out with them. Did they take sides with you when you feel out with your mother? If not, then I'm surprised at her actions.

Kittye Tue 11-Dec-18 19:55:08

I wouldn't be expecting an 84 year old to be buying presents and sending cards. I agree with Pythagorus let it go.

Oakleaf Tue 11-Dec-18 19:56:59

How much contact do you, your children and grandchildren have with her, have had with her over the last year or two? Do they ever visit or call her?

Jalima1108 Tue 11-Dec-18 20:06:03

I wouldn't be expecting an 84 year old to be buying presents and sending cards
Me neither

Who told you that she sends gifts to her other grandchildren and great-grandchildren?
You could send them a wooden spoon (gift-wrapped of course).

Your DD are not worried, they are being sensible.

Jane10 Tue 11-Dec-18 20:11:58

Hmmmmm hmm

MissAdventure Tue 11-Dec-18 20:28:26

Its understandable that you're hurt, but probably better to do nothing, for everyone's peace of mind.

Grannyben Tue 11-Dec-18 20:46:47

My eldest daughter and her child are completely missed out by my ex husband, whilst her younger sister and her children receive very generous gifts.
Sometimes I would love to say "do you remember you have two children" so I fully understand that you are hurt but, as previous posters have said, you have to let it go.

notanan2 Tue 11-Dec-18 20:54:53

Does she see them?
I give gifts to the relatives children that I see. Not to the ones I dont. The gift is a token of the telationship, if there isnt much contact then gifts are silly, and wont reflect the recipient's personality because you dont know it!

Beau Tue 11-Dec-18 21:29:19

I don't know her personality Pracatan but I know for sure that my friend's 93 year old mother does something very similar, purely to cause upset and friction - it's her main pleasure in life, sorry to say it but my friend 100% agrees. Such as buying generous gifts for 2 of my friend's DD's children (i.e., her GGC) and for the other DD giving my friend 50p to buy her a card. My friend is used to it after all these years but still gets upset - I get angry on the child's behalf because she is the most beautiful and kind child, yet treated like some kind of outcast 😡
So if your mother is of this same nasty frame of mind and her main pleasure in life now is upsetting people, I just feel for you because I think it's probably you she is trying to hurt.

stella1949 Wed 12-Dec-18 03:24:41

There really isn't any point in getting offended on behalf of the grandchildren. Do they even know that some are getting gifts and some not ? Does it bother them ? I'd let it go - not worth getting upset about.

M0nica Wed 12-Dec-18 08:08:34

She only does it to annoy because she knows it teases.

So leave her to it. Ignore it. Act to her as if you are not bothered one way or another.

Witzend Wed 12-Dec-18 08:14:02

I'd be very upset, too, so do understand perfectly how you feel.
I dare say it upsets you a lot more than it does your dds or Gdcs though - you naturally feel so hurt on their behalf, more so than if it were you she was leaving out.

After your previous falling out, maybe she is purposely doing it to upset you, as a pp suggested. Whatever, though, I would let it go, don't rub it in that she's upsetting you, since if that's what she's aiming for, she'll have achieved her purpose.
There's surely nothing more irritating for anyone trying to upset you than a serene smile, as if you haven't even noticed!

EllanVannin Wed 12-Dec-18 08:28:22

This I either her general disposition, peevish, or the onset of dementia which can change a person.

EllanVannin Wed 12-Dec-18 08:30:01

I think I'd ignore her attitude and actions.

Izabella Wed 12-Dec-18 09:11:58

Pracatan I love your name and feel a song coming on .......

jessycake Wed 12-Dec-18 10:05:40

Quite often as people get older they have changes in personality and perspective . My elderly year old dad forgets all my kids birthdays but remembers other people's and my other nephews . Both my mum in law and mum started to change long before actual dementia was diagnosed , but only in little ways and it is only looking back I can see that perhaps it was the very start.

Jane43 Wed 12-Dec-18 10:06:45

I can see how hurtful this would be but if my children weren’t similarly hurt then I would let it go. I am reminded of what my Mum used to say, ‘What you don’t get you don’t have to say thank you for’. Material things aren’t as important as love and you obviously have that with your children and grandchildren.

notnecessarilywiser Wed 12-Dec-18 10:11:58

Do your children and grandchildren send cards and gifts to her? I have to admit that my sending/giving pattern reflects how others treat me - two years of no Christmas card and you're off my list!

Grampie Wed 12-Dec-18 10:12:30

Give up complaining.

Be the change you want to see.

ReadyMeals Wed 12-Dec-18 10:17:38

I don't think the children will be as upset as you think. If their parents don't talk about it in front of them or draw their attention to the relationship, the children will probably disregard the great grandparents as a factor in their lives. We had various family members we had no contact with and I never gave them a thought as a child until I was pretty much grown up, and then it was only casual musings. It would be different if the relatives turned up and a family gathering and handed gifts to some children and not others, right in front of their eyes, but that's not happening here is it?