I am very sorry this is going to be long winded but there is no way i can ask this in just a couple of paragraphs. Please bear with me I really need advice.
I have 3 grandchildren who all live with my son's ex wife. They live 110 miles away. the Ex has done everything she can to prevent us having contact with the children. The two oldest lived with me for two years (2011-2013) until social services thought it would be OK for them to live with Mom. We would have the children stay with us for the weekend every 4 weeks. As soon as the children moved they told the social worker my husband had sexually abused them so contact was stopped.
We took it back to court. there was a finding of fact and the judge ruled that the abuse had never happened and said the mother was quite clearly lying and had influenced the children to make these allegations. the judge also said contact was to resume immediately. Since then she has done everything to prevent us seeing the children. So sadly we had to go back to court. The children's mother got a warning that unless contact resumed the courts would reconsider sending the children back to us full time. Contact resumed but the youngest did not want to come the first two times but on the third contact he was very keen to join us for the weekend. they had a great time. A couple of days after the third contact the social Worker contacted me and said contact had been cancelled because the youngest had made allegations of sexual abuse. So back to court another finding of fact hearing. Another judgement saying the abuse never happened and clearly the youngest and the mother were lying. the judge decided they wanted a psychologist assessment and report on both parents all three children and us. the report came back saying that children's mother was deceptive and although she said she wanted the children to have contact with us he did not believe this was the case. He felt that mother would do anything to try and prevent contact. He felt the children had no secure attachment to their mother. Unless her behaviour was modified the children would continue to suffer emotional harm, whether we continued to be in their lives or not. The two oldest children spoke affectionately about me and my husband and there is clearly a strong bond there. the youngest child was not keen to spend time with us. This did not surprise us because most of his young life his mom has done everything she can to prevent contact. He felt that my husband and I were highly committed to all of the children and he found us to be straightforward and honest we had a very favourable report. He felt our son was honest but angry with children's mother. He recommended specialised family therapy and further assessments in the hope that the mother would put the emotional welfare of the children first. The courts have invited the Local authority numerous times to instigate care proceedings so that they would hold parental responsibility for the children. They have declined this over and over again. to quote the judge she said she was Flabbergasted they had not instigated care proceedings. The local authority do not want to pay for the psychologists suggested work and have said they will put mother on a nurturing course instead. I spoke to the psychologist about this and he does not think this is sufficent to modify her behaviour. We are still going through court to establish which way things are going to go. the judge did ask us whether we would consider applying for residence of the children. However, the strain of going to and from court and the thousands it has cost us put my husband under a tremendous amount of stress and last june he suffered a major heart attack. His heart is failing. his condition is just about manageable and we have recently had to move in to supported accommodation - so there is no way we could have the children with us. The next hearing is in December
They are now 9, 10 and 11 years old. the youngest has never lived with us or his dad and he does not have to attend contact with us. The two older girls have stayed with us during the half term. We got them costumes and did their make up and took them to a halloween disco. We didnt get an outfit for the youngest because he wasnt with us. Normally we spend the same on all of them. Mother has informed us that because we did not get a costume for the youngest she is stopping contact AGAIN. So we have to wait until December when we go back to court. My doctor is pleading with me to withdraw from the case because my blood pressure is off the scale 230/120 when the mother creates problems or when we are going to court. The blood pressure medication is not able to control what the doctor calls hypertension crisis. He is concerned that if this continues I am a prime candidate for heart attack or stroke. Of course the continuing stress is not helping my husband either.
So i know it has been long winded but here is my question. do we give up on seeing our grandchildren and reconnect with the when they are older. the psychologist says walking away will have a severe detrimental affect on the two older girls emotionally. He believes that unless the proper work is done with the mother there is no good choice. Its our health or the children's emotional welfare. What do we do.
Thank you for bearing with me and any advice is much appreciated
Barneysmommy Sat 02-Nov-19 13:42:14
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