Christmas Day dinner

Greciangirl you and your husband are going to have to show a united front, be strong ) or does he always give in I wonder). Be blunt because thats the only way you'll not get railroaded into surrender, keep to the point & do not waver. Practise your pitch and dont go into long explanations. Do not be blackmailed by gs looks forward to it/will be disappointed/how stressed she is etc. She should be more considerate of your wishes. Stick to your guns this is your "make a stand & be heard year" of course they want to go to yours -you get all the expense, work & worry. Just say NO. When she argues reply 'which bit of NO don't you understand' if she says she cant cook tell her its about time she learned. I was in m&s yesterday and its not cheap especially as you'd have to go bigger to feed 5. (Mine is coming from iceland) I know its hard to say NO but for your own sake - be firm. Just repeat "I've made my decision" on loop. Value yourself & she needs to.

I absolutely agree. You should not feel guilty. How about your daughter cook and invite you over. As I have always worked every year for past 40 years, nurse, Christmas dinner was always on another day and would do a buffet every year. Last year I said no to doing a yearly buffet for every one as I was tired after work. There were a few grumbles at first but son did it this year daughter said she would do it. You have to say no more and family need to step up. My husband will have Christmas day together after seeing grand children in the morning as I'm now retired. Once you say no the relief you will feel will be amazing. Tell your daughter she can cook for her family as you have done enough. Go on you can say it NO.

I think she is being unreasonable - why should you have to do all that cooking? Can you possibly get food ready prepared so all you have to do is pop it in the oven? Or ask DD to fetch the food with her (ready prepared) and then pop that in the oven to cook (my sister in law has her DIL do that if they want to have Christmas Day with her) ? I cannot even begin to imagine telling my Mum that she HAD to do the Christmas dinner!!

Go out...am sure that there must be some nice places nearby but make sure she pays for her bit!

Time for a Christmas decision tree. You can say yes or no to her. If you say yes, you will feel resentful. What is the worst that could happen if you say No? It's not worth falling out about, but you mustn't let your daughter bully you.

A buffet is not really much of a compromise as that can make a lot of work also. At 74 you have earned the right to "retire" from cooking Xmas dinner. Even if you go down the route of buying everything ready made and frozen it will still be hard work bringing it all together and clearing up afterwards. You need to sit down with your daughter tell her NO. She sounds rather selfish putting you through this and needs a firm talking to. Maybe you can do it with your partner so he can back you up if you start to waiver

Do a Christmas brunch and get her to bring bagels and smoked salmon and capers with cream cheese and a bottle of prosecco and orange juice. You make bacon, sausage, ham and eggs!

Your daughter is behaving like a spoiled brat - and to some extent you are allowing her to do so.

She is not going to change and will still be demanding you jump to her demands when you are 84 or 94.

No, Dd is selfish. And a bit greedy.

If she cooks in my kitchen, the ensuing mess is dreadful. It’s all just so much hard work. Washing up etc.
I suggested Xmas day meal out this year, but no she didn’t want to pay out, I can’t afford to pay for everyone.

Will have the conversation next Monday when we meet up.
Thank you all for good advice,

Basically, if you give in this year you'll have to do it next year and the year after ... At some point, you have to put your foot down so why not this year? I think it's time you sat her down and resisted all attempts to guilt-trip you into this; if she really wants the full Christmas dinner - it's time that she learned to do it. After all (sorry) you're not going to be here forever. And as you're 74, the youngest she could be is in her 40's - so well old enough to do this for YOU. Just tell her that you haven't got the energy and can't face it; offer her an alternative, otherwise tell her that it's her turn this year! Whatever she says, just say something like: yes I know you love a turkey dinner, would you like to do it this year? Or, I've done it for XX years, now I honestly think it's your turn. Good luck.

Nobody has the power to make you feel anxious and depressed OP. Sorry to be harsh.

Do you want to spend the next week feeling awful, a whole day cooking and eating, spending more than you would like?

Why is the daughter more more more.....is she trying to make up for something?

Value yourself. Don't be bullied. Everybody bring something? Like a pot luck meal?

Sympathy. Difficult. I would cook but cu down. M&S M&Sturkey crown, ready to cook roast potatoes and parsnips, prepared pigs in blankets. Ready made gravy if you can't be bothered. Xmas pud can be microwaved with ready made brandy sauce or cream. Sprouts ready to cook - no peeling. Lots of veg are ready to cook. Don't tell daughter beforehand. Let her cook everything if she needs to do anything. Set the table the night before. Let daughter bring the crackers and wine - Make a list of what you are serving and cooking times - Get out of the way with a glass of sherry. Its your home and your kitchen. If you don't want daughter around tell her what time you would like her to arrive. If you are still unhappy and stressed tell her that this year you cannot face the cooking and mess and you will be at home at a time you choose . I'm sure there are other things you can do to cut down on the work. Good luck. Don't let this spoil your Christmas.

Wow how selfish is your daughter being, she wants this she wants that, she’s not thinking of you at all, she grinds you down and it makes you feel guilty, if you want a break from it so be it, have you told her how it makes you feel sounds like she needs to be told properly. Wishing you a stress free Christmas hope you get it sorted soon and have a lovely time

You can get some really nice ready prepared turkey crowns from M&S and I'm sure other supermarkets do it too that you just pop straight into the oven. I have done it when I didn't feel up to cooking Christmas dinner and I was surprised at how good it was and how easy it was. Get ready prepared vegetables and it is so simple. Your dd does , however seem to be imposing here. Perhaps she could do that for herself and gs at her place and then come to you after dinner, so that you can do your own thing? Or she could cook at yours.
Please think, however, is this worth falling out for? These things can escalate and you could find yourself estranged from dd.

Put your foot down and say no. If she wants a big meal and all the trimmings she can do it herself!

My mother was pretty good at emotional blackmail at Christmas and I hated going. So one year when were invited just told her no sorry we have already made plans to meet friends for Xmas lunch. We then went out for the day, came back and unplugged the phone. It was a blissful time.

Just say no and have Christmas how you want it.

In the 'olden days' when I was young it was all from scratch. Veg was prepared the night before, turkey stuffed, trifle made, etc. We had home made cake, mince pies, sausage rolls, cranberry sauce and stuffing. Loads of work!

More recently, a turkey breast, ready stuffed, frozen veg and yorkshires, nut roast, instant gravy, ready made desserts and snacks, all delivered, far less work, mainly defrosting and cooking.

Still, there was the eternal problem of four kids, their partners, six grandkids, one lodger, extending table, lots of extra borrowed chairs, people everywhere, either helping or in the way, two ovens and microwave watching, backache and threatening migraine - happy days!

My daughter, her mum in law and I all have our designated duties for Xmas dinner ! It’s a “tag team” in the kitchen and my son in law is on drinks duty too, plus him and his Dad load the dish washer afterwards while us ladies sit back and sip our bubbles ! Even my grandson has to help. No one should be expected to do it all single handed it’s a lot of hard work and all should be allowed to relax and enjoy it.

As the saying goes “ everyone is fighting there own battle”. How many grandparents would love to be able to even see there family on Christmas Day but don’t due to estrangement.
I’d suck it up and go to MS and buy pre prepared Christmas dinner and enjoy your time with them or cook it at there’s then you can leave when you’ve had enough.

I have managed to fly under everyone's radar, I really don't like Christmas, I have no decorations up and close my curtains at 3.30 to avoid the glare and flashing of the neighbours lights. Both my son and daughter think I am going to a friend for lunch, the friend thinks I am with my children. The idea of standing and preparing a glorified Sunday lunch, but with all the saucepans, is my idea of purgatory and I am so relieved that I didn't agree to cater for everyone and also rejected the idea that my DD would cook here. Take a stand Greciangirl, let them know for sure that your kitchen is closed for Christmas !! xx

I too was let off the cooking a couple of years ago when I reached 70. We now go to my step daughter's house. Yipee!

Crikey, Greciangirl! I was 'let off' the huge dinner cooking last year (at the age of 65) and am now 'guest' at my daughters. After 40 odd years of cooking for an ever expanding set of kids and grandkids it was only fair!

Could you not suggest going out for dinner. I am also finding it hard as I get older and not as able as I used to be.

You need to put a stop to this now. Let her know that you will not be hosting this year but you are happy to pop over to her place for an hour or two in the morning/afternoon. Which would they prefer?
You only have to stick to your guns once. She WILL get the message.
You need to do this today. (We're all behind you!)

Go and buy a ready meal for M&S for Christmas day.
I would go for that as long as I could get a decent Veggie meal.
We put in far too much fuss at Christmas.
If The stress involved is to much don't do it. You really do not have to climb on this Christmas meal band wagon.
I know how we can get really stressed about this.
Particularly if you know that there will not be much in the way of Xmas jolity .