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Christmas Day dinner

(107 Posts)
Greciangirl Fri 13-Dec-19 17:54:53

My daughter wants me to cook Christmas dinner this year.
Neither of us likes doing it and I have expressed my displeasure at doing it. My reasons are : I have done it nearly every year for goodness knows how long. I am now 74years old, and feel I need a break from it.

We compromised last year and had a buffet type meal.
I’m ok with that, but no, she wants her and partner and grandson to all come over to me.
Neither my partner or myself want a huge turkey dinner, but she always goes overboard and wants me to cook piles of food. Everything with her is more, more, more. Same with presents.

I know that if I cave in I will regret it and end up feeling resentful. Ideally we would just like to visit in the morning and exchange presents, spend a bit of time with them, then come home to our preferred grub.
If I object at all she grinds me down and tries to make me feel guilty.
I am so fed up with it and it’s making me feel depressed and anxious. We both get stressed out if in the kitchen together cooking.
Anyone else have to endure Christmas misery.

Septimia Fri 13-Dec-19 18:10:38

I know what you mean.

If you can't work in the kitchen together, can you bear to let your daughter loose in your kitchen? Perhaps tell her that you'll buy the food but she'll have to cook it as you don't feel up to it.

If she doesn't like cooking it either, then perhaps she will agree to having Christmas lunch out somewhere.

Humbertbear Fri 13-Dec-19 20:01:31

We are having vegetarian wellingtons from Lidl. We had them last year and they were very good. Why can’t you buy ready cooked turkey, frozen roast potatoes etc? If she wants the big meal then she should cook it.

Tangerine Fri 13-Dec-19 21:00:27

I don't think you should be browbeaten by your daughter.

If you do end up cooking the meal, try and cut corners with frozen roast potatoes, ready made stuffing etc.

If this doesn't suit your daughter, let her do it.

Would you be in a position to go out to a restaurant possibly?

QuaintIrene Fri 13-Dec-19 21:03:58

Can you buy things ready made, so you just have to put them straight in the oven ? Frozen turkey joint, ready stuffed ,frozen veg, roasties and gravy in a pouch. Cheese board crackers and trifle . No prep and less washing up.
No Christmas misery here. But there is only myself to please so it’s not the same.

MissAdventure Fri 13-Dec-19 21:16:56

Tell her "No".
If she wants all that food, let her cook it.

M0nica Fri 13-Dec-19 21:37:14

There are a number of options.

1) say 'NO' and if your DD goes on about it tell her it is emotional black mail, that you are 74, have been doing Christmas dinners for over half a century and if DD wants the full deal then she must cook it herself. Do not let her brow beat you - she only does it because it works

2) Book a meal for you all in a retaurant/pub.

3) Book yourself into a hotel for the duration and tell her, they can always come round for an hour or two between meals.

Whatever option you choose (and stick to), it will only be for this Christmas because if you stick to your guns, your DD should get the message and not hassle you next year because she knows what will happen.

Resurgam123 Fri 13-Dec-19 21:45:03

Go and buy a ready meal for M&S for Christmas day.
I would go for that as long as I could get a decent Veggie meal.
We put in far too much fuss at Christmas.
If The stress involved is to much don't do it. You really do not have to climb on this Christmas meal band wagon.
I know how we can get really stressed about this.
Particularly if you know that there will not be much in the way of Xmas jolity .

Esspee Sat 14-Dec-19 09:33:11

You need to put a stop to this now. Let her know that you will not be hosting this year but you are happy to pop over to her place for an hour or two in the morning/afternoon. Which would they prefer?
You only have to stick to your guns once. She WILL get the message.
You need to do this today. (We're all behind you!)

RosesAreRed21 Sat 14-Dec-19 09:34:16

Could you not suggest going out for dinner. I am also finding it hard as I get older and not as able as I used to be.

Hetty58 Sat 14-Dec-19 09:38:19

Crikey, Greciangirl! I was 'let off' the huge dinner cooking last year (at the age of 65) and am now 'guest' at my daughters. After 40 odd years of cooking for an ever expanding set of kids and grandkids it was only fair!

Littleannie Sat 14-Dec-19 09:45:04

I too was let off the cooking a couple of years ago when I reached 70. We now go to my step daughter's house. Yipee!

josiew58 Sat 14-Dec-19 09:45:24

I have managed to fly under everyone's radar, I really don't like Christmas, I have no decorations up and close my curtains at 3.30 to avoid the glare and flashing of the neighbours lights. Both my son and daughter think I am going to a friend for lunch, the friend thinks I am with my children. The idea of standing and preparing a glorified Sunday lunch, but with all the saucepans, is my idea of purgatory and I am so relieved that I didn't agree to cater for everyone and also rejected the idea that my DD would cook here. Take a stand Greciangirl, let them know for sure that your kitchen is closed for Christmas !! xx

Juicylucy Sat 14-Dec-19 09:45:51

As the saying goes “ everyone is fighting there own battle”. How many grandparents would love to be able to even see there family on Christmas Day but don’t due to estrangement.
I’d suck it up and go to MS and buy pre prepared Christmas dinner and enjoy your time with them or cook it at there’s then you can leave when you’ve had enough.

Coconut Sat 14-Dec-19 09:47:38

My daughter, her mum in law and I all have our designated duties for Xmas dinner ! It’s a “tag team” in the kitchen and my son in law is on drinks duty too, plus him and his Dad load the dish washer afterwards while us ladies sit back and sip our bubbles ! Even my grandson has to help. No one should be expected to do it all single handed it’s a lot of hard work and all should be allowed to relax and enjoy it.

Hetty58 Sat 14-Dec-19 09:50:51

In the 'olden days' when I was young it was all from scratch. Veg was prepared the night before, turkey stuffed, trifle made, etc. We had home made cake, mince pies, sausage rolls, cranberry sauce and stuffing. Loads of work!

More recently, a turkey breast, ready stuffed, frozen veg and yorkshires, nut roast, instant gravy, ready made desserts and snacks, all delivered, far less work, mainly defrosting and cooking.

Still, there was the eternal problem of four kids, their partners, six grandkids, one lodger, extending table, lots of extra borrowed chairs, people everywhere, either helping or in the way, two ovens and microwave watching, backache and threatening migraine - happy days!

Barmeyoldbat Sat 14-Dec-19 09:51:07

My mother was pretty good at emotional blackmail at Christmas and I hated going. So one year when were invited just told her no sorry we have already made plans to meet friends for Xmas lunch. We then went out for the day, came back and unplugged the phone. It was a blissful time.

Just say no and have Christmas how you want it.

Cambia Sat 14-Dec-19 09:53:51

Put your foot down and say no. If she wants a big meal and all the trimmings she can do it herself!

25Avalon Sat 14-Dec-19 09:55:05

You can get some really nice ready prepared turkey crowns from M&S and I'm sure other supermarkets do it too that you just pop straight into the oven. I have done it when I didn't feel up to cooking Christmas dinner and I was surprised at how good it was and how easy it was. Get ready prepared vegetables and it is so simple. Your dd does , however seem to be imposing here. Perhaps she could do that for herself and gs at her place and then come to you after dinner, so that you can do your own thing? Or she could cook at yours.
Please think, however, is this worth falling out for? These things can escalate and you could find yourself estranged from dd.

TrendyNannie6 Sat 14-Dec-19 09:57:02

Wow how selfish is your daughter being, she wants this she wants that, she’s not thinking of you at all, she grinds you down and it makes you feel guilty, if you want a break from it so be it, have you told her how it makes you feel sounds like she needs to be told properly. Wishing you a stress free Christmas hope you get it sorted soon and have a lovely time

dizzygran Sat 14-Dec-19 10:03:03

Sympathy. Difficult. I would cook but cu down. M&S M&Sturkey crown, ready to cook roast potatoes and parsnips, prepared pigs in blankets. Ready made gravy if you can't be bothered. Xmas pud can be microwaved with ready made brandy sauce or cream. Sprouts ready to cook - no peeling. Lots of veg are ready to cook. Don't tell daughter beforehand. Let her cook everything if she needs to do anything. Set the table the night before. Let daughter bring the crackers and wine - Make a list of what you are serving and cooking times - Get out of the way with a glass of sherry. Its your home and your kitchen. If you don't want daughter around tell her what time you would like her to arrive. If you are still unhappy and stressed tell her that this year you cannot face the cooking and mess and you will be at home at a time you choose . I'm sure there are other things you can do to cut down on the work. Good luck. Don't let this spoil your Christmas.

inkcog Sat 14-Dec-19 10:04:00

Nobody has the power to make you feel anxious and depressed OP. Sorry to be harsh.

Do you want to spend the next week feeling awful, a whole day cooking and eating, spending more than you would like?

Why is the daughter more more she trying to make up for something?

Value yourself. Don't be bullied. Everybody bring something? Like a pot luck meal?

CarlyD7 Sat 14-Dec-19 10:10:28

Basically, if you give in this year you'll have to do it next year and the year after ... At some point, you have to put your foot down so why not this year? I think it's time you sat her down and resisted all attempts to guilt-trip you into this; if she really wants the full Christmas dinner - it's time that she learned to do it. After all (sorry) you're not going to be here forever. And as you're 74, the youngest she could be is in her 40's - so well old enough to do this for YOU. Just tell her that you haven't got the energy and can't face it; offer her an alternative, otherwise tell her that it's her turn this year! Whatever she says, just say something like: yes I know you love a turkey dinner, would you like to do it this year? Or, I've done it for XX years, now I honestly think it's your turn. Good luck.

Greciangirl Sat 14-Dec-19 10:19:40

No, Dd is selfish. And a bit greedy.

If she cooks in my kitchen, the ensuing mess is dreadful. It’s all just so much hard work. Washing up etc.
I suggested Xmas day meal out this year, but no she didn’t want to pay out, I can’t afford to pay for everyone.

Will have the conversation next Monday when we meet up.
Thank you all for good advice,

wildswan16 Sat 14-Dec-19 10:21:22

Your daughter is behaving like a spoiled brat - and to some extent you are allowing her to do so.

She is not going to change and will still be demanding you jump to her demands when you are 84 or 94.