I intensely dislike christmas.

I really feel for you, Grannyscrooge. It is obviously far too much for you to be the host with all your other problems.
I am surprised your daughter has not realised that but, I suspect you are good at hiding it.
I suggest that you are ‘upfront’ with your daughter, and it is not too late, and just tell her you cannot do it this year as you just don’t feel up to it.
Would going to your daughter be an option? I wonder if that would be too much for your son. You deserve the nice quiet Christmas at home. Good luck.

I feel so sad for you, I also did The Big Christmas thing for nearly 30 years for my otherwise barely seen (and tight-fisted) in-laws, and my husband who dislikes Christmas generally. Everything is expected of mums like the pressure of the TV b*** adverts portray, or else give you a guilt complex for having the wherewithal to have a Christmas at all. I adore my grandson but having your personal things invaded is not nice and very rude of parents to allow that. I hope it's not too bad for you on the day, but put your foot down well in advance for the sort of things you want to do next year. I'd suggest 1st January is a good date to lay down the law. Wish you all the best.

I think the problem is that our grown up children still just think of us as "mum" and don't realise we are getting older - they just want Christmas to be the same fun that only "mum" can make it.
I think you need to be honest with your daughter and tell her that as you are getting older you are finding it stressful to cope with Christmas and suggest that perhaps it is time for her to take over the reigns and host and look after you now. You can help by taking some food over or even pay for an M&S Christmas dinner or something and the best thing is, you can leave when you've had enough!
Your daughter isn't psychic so if you don't let her know you don't "love Christmas" as you appear to do by "putting on your brave face" how can she know? She probably thinks she is doing you a favour bringing your grandchildren to you.
So put on that brave face once more, and at the table this year, tell your daughter you'd like to do things differently next year. Presumably she manages to cook meals every day with 2 small children so she can manage it on Christmas day (with a little bit of help from mum maybe?)

Grannyscrooge I felt so sad reading this. I am sorry you are in pain a lot, but 'gits' or not those children deserve a nice Christmas. It has been a horrible year for everyone and children especially, have missed out on a lot. You seem resentful of them taking some of your time with your daughter away from you.
Christmas can always be stressful but it is only for a few days, if you really feel it is too much for you then you must speak with you DD. They can all then go to your SIL's parents and have a nice time.

Grannyscrooge - think u need a lot of hugs - we have all been missing them this year and it does our mental health no good at all. My first thought on reading your initial post was also that you are feeling more depressed that u ever let on - mother’s put their children’s needs first and forget to look after themselves - take care ?

Love the advice GranScrooge is getting. There is no law saying it has to be a certain way. Recently we've been to the Canaries for Christmas - warm and low key. Neither of us has really ever been big on the 'consuming and socialising' side of it. We hardly drink normally so are we suddenly supposed to be keen on it? We are quiet and have just a few friends - is that suddenly supposed to change? I am Christian so that aspect has meaning for me, but the rest of it - never, ever have 'got' it. Sounds as though GranS has been a bit too obliging and time has come to make changes. Have a pleasant few days and all the best for 2021.

Do you have to 'do' Christmas at your house every year? Even if you do, there is no harm in saying that you are having your little cottage Christmas this time. I have an autistic grandson, so I know how much of an upheaval the 'joys of Christmas' can be for them and their routine. You seem to have a lot on your plate. It isn't a crime to put yourself first, you know. Good luck.

Madgran77

*It’s because you have such a horrible and unrelentingly negative view of her children that she doesn’t WANT to talk to you*

Dear me!

Yes this poster was a bit harsh for me too madgran
I wonder if she actually read the posts properly?

You've had a good off-load and shouldn't be judged for that.
I have a big family and each person was trained to bring something. A cooked turkey, the roast potatoes, the veg, Christmas pud, everything got shared out which made for a much more relaxing Christmas. How about you get together with your daughter pre-Christmas and discuss how you can both share the burden of the cooking, (plus a gentle prompt about the affect the children have on your son and maybe they can be in charge of board games) then you might get some one to one time together in the kitchen with your daughter, or or maybe ask her to be in charge of the cooking whilst you sit down and peel the sprouts. I really relate to this and its high time the next generation started stepping up to the plate (literally). Wishing you all the very best Christmas!

I hate Christmas too. It stems from a memory I have of huge family Christmas party when my aunt hit me so hard it left me with huge wheals on my hands and arms. I was twelve years old, all I did was place a record on the turntable of the radiogram. At which she stormed over hit me sending the needle over the record. Then she blamed me for braking the record. I am lucky nowadays as my two daughters do not expect me to cater for them at Christmas, they just pop round for a couple of hours on Boxing day.
Grannyscrooge perhaps you could suggest that your daughter does some of the cooking on Christmas Day. Tell her you are tired and not well enough to do it. Perhaps she does not realize what she is doing is not fair. I think grown up children think Mum's always there for them and take them for granted.

My mum told us when she couldn’t cope with doing Christmas for everybody so don’t be afraid to do that.
Otherwise do what others have suggested and use COVID as an excuse. You may not want to celebrate but you shouldn’t have to be miserable.

Hate Christmas - always have done. No siblings, no grandparents - just the three of us. My partner of nearly 40 years goes to his middle daughter’s house, where her two sisters, partners and most of the grandkids attend as well. I am invited too - his ex- wife is there as she is on her own since her partner died but that wouldn’t bother me as we are always civil to each other. The reason I have never gone is because I have an elderly mother (she was 99 last week). Since my father died MANY years ago it has just been the two of us. I pick her up, do the full works but she eats like a bird and is starting to shown signs of dementia so there is no conversation any more. My partner joins us later and we usually watch a film while she falls asleep and as he doesn’t drink he drives her home. I’m so grateful as I couldn’t get through the day without a few glasses of wine. This year it will be an M&S turkey crown for two, frozen veg and roast potatoes. Roll on 2nd January!! I hate the build up to ‘the big day’, the constant Christmas music in the supermarkets, the greed, everything really. For me, it’s not, like the song says - ‘it’s the most wonderful time of the year’ - far from it.

Tell your daughter grannyscrooge that it’s her turn to take over for the sake of your mental and physical health.

Grannyscrooge

This is a genuine post. I can't just up and leave as I have an adult Autistic son who needs me. He finds it all soo difficult at this time of year and isolates himself away. My daughter and her husband love coming round and I put on a front to give them the best time. I have a severe pain condition, EDS and spend the season in utmost discomfort but I cover it to make sure everyone is happy. I have unstable hips, joints that dislocate and veins that burst under the skin at the slightest pressure. I was under the impression that this was a support forum for everyone, not a place to bash someone who is having a hard time. As I get older my condition becomes more painful and everything is so much harder. But not to worry I will just soldier on. thank for all the positivity.

I am sorry that you have EDS, that is very painful and hardly anyone has heard of it, it can affect any part of the body depending upon which type you have.

My advice is to have a word with DD and say that at the moment you are really struggling and dreading it because you’re feeling so unwell, and if they want to do Christmas at yours then they are going to have to muck in and help as much as possible! Say you will see how that goes this year but in future you may have to go to hers instead??

I think that to many the time when there are no children actually living in the house feel that the magic has gone.
So sorry to hear that you have health issues.
As your son struggles and you feel abandoned by your DD, it's not surprising that you feel so alone and grumpy!
Please talk to your daughter and explain that you miss her and your feelings about her children going through your private things. If it helps, write it down in a letter or tell her over the phone - often helps if you don't see people face to face!
Maybe forget about the traditional Christmas dinner this year ? Treat yourself to something different such as a piece of salmon ( you can buy fillets from about £3 from Asda) and then a nice luscious, suitably fattening dessert to follow - lots of choice that you can try!
Is there an Autistic Society that you can contact about your son that could possibly give you some support if even online or over the phone? Worth a try.
Whatever, just be kind to yourself and try and see this as a bump in that road that we all have to follow. And start planning that cottage stay - even if it never happens, a bit of fantasy never hurt anyone ! Sending you a virtual hug (gently).

For the last few years I have spent Xmas in a hotel, where everything is done for you and there's plenty of socialising. Before this I DID Xmas for the family, doing everything and dreading it every year - no one ever thanked me or invited me back. No presents, I just give my GSs money and they seem happy with that

Grannyscrooge I understand perfectly where you’re coming from with Christmas, just because you’re supposed to like it doesn’t mean everyone does. I frequently get migraines over Christmas with the stress which used to stress me out even more if Christmas was at our house. I’ve never really liked Christmas, I too suffer health problems which mean I’m in severe pain all the time and find it difficult to move in this cold weather, I get depressed and irritable with the constant’ Christmas crap’ as I call it everywhere I go, trying to do ordinary shopping when the shops are heaving, for months before the big day etc. The thinking of what to get who, the wrapping etc and I hate the cooking, what’s expected of me etc. I now get what we need beginning of November food wise, my son and DLA think I hate Christmas so they know I’ll only ‘do’ Christmas if I want to and that is not every year! Some suggestions for you .....if you can afford it get all food from M&S ready done and delivered, if not buy it frozen so it’s all prepared for you and ready to shove in the oven, buy vouchers or get DD to buy they’re presents for you, tell son in law his job is washing up, tell DD your son and yourself need some peace and quiet so it will be dinner and a couple of hours afterwards only this year as you’re pain is too much nowadays for them to be there all day, as someone else suggested take your daughter to lunch, theatre or a nice tea in a local hotel after Christmas, sit her down when she’s relaxed and explain to her the problems you are having and how it makes you feel, I’m sure she will understand, my son and DDL did when I explained when I found it too much and I’m not keen on Christmas either. Do not feel bad but get someone to fit locks on the doors you do not want your DGS’s to enter, tough luck if they don’t like it but it will stress you less and cause YOU less pain if you know they can’t access rooms you don’t want them too and please don’t feel bad about doing that, needs must and you have enough to cope with your son and your own pain. In future if you feel up to it go to a cottage for Christmas but if not explain to DD that you would prefer to maybe pop to theirs Christmas Eve for tea or maybe Boxing Day for a walk and pub lunch instead of doing Xmas day at yours, I’m sure she will understand and you will feel more relaxed. How about Christmas lunch out where you meet them in the restaurant and order a taxi home after, we have done all of these things over the years, to be honest our best Christmas was a coach trip to Austria, it was lovely, chicken and chips on Xmas day and only something small present wise as the suitcases were small but it was fabulous, sleigh riding in the snow with hot chocolate drinks watching ice skating at the same time. Be strong and think of yourself and what you want, good luck

It’s because you have such a horrible and unrelentingly negative view of her children that she doesn’t WANT to talk to you

Dear me!

Grannyscrooge
Who made Christmas compulsory???????????.
My late mother. who in her last years and was never known to mince words, made it clear that if you want xmas then have it. We would then leave it to her. What she wanted not what the family wanted OR expected.

I think you have every right to call badly behaved children names. I wouldn't allow my grandchildren to run riot and invade my private things. Perhaps you could ask that they stay in one or two rooms in future? I would also ask your daughter for more help with the cooking etc. and if the visit gets too much, explain you need a nap of an afternoon now you are older and retire to your bedroom with a book. It's sounds to be like it's time to make changes.

Firstly put your foot down where the grandchildren are concerned. Tell them in a firm voice not to touch things. How dare their mother let them. Secondly decide to have Christmas without inviting anyone Covid is the reason anyway. Use it. I am not a fan of Christmad anymore Will be glad when the new year is here. Christmas just causes problems among families and debt

Rule no.1: Nan’s house - Nan’s rules.
Rule no.2: I have the right to say NO.
It’s self preservation.
P.S. it doesn’t always work.

I agree with BlueBelle. We have 7 grandchildren and of course there have been virtually no indoor visits this year. Our AC and GC know the rules at our house. No going upstairs except into 1 room where we keep some toys. The other doors are shut except for the loo. No jumping on the furniture or taking food from the fridge or cupboards without asking first. Staying at the table during a meal with a toy or colouring book if necessary. We do provide some special activities for them when we can such as a table tennis net for the dining table, various films, board games etc. It seems to work well most of the time although there’s still a lot of clearing up when they’ve gone!

Can you use covid as an excuse for not having the little gits round? We used to have a house full every year, three sons, our elderly parents and an old uncle. I think it’s our turn to be the elderly parents but it doesn’t always turn out that way. Sons argue about who’s turn it is and some years we get so fed up with it all, we book Christmas away for the next year. Then they express surprise that we won’t be around. Can’t win.

What a relief to read your post Grannnyscrooge. What's the matter with Gransnetters who depend on their grandchildren so emotionally. Yes we all love our grandchildren but they don't really need us cooing over them all the time. We know what they need and how to provide it. Thank you Grannyscrooge for your very honest post. Happy Christmas.

I suddenly feel very lucky with the relationship I have with my twin grandsons (11) and their parents. The boys were always quite spirited but respectful, thanks to their parents. When we are together at their house or mine we are interchangeable regarding checking the boys if the get lively. If I am trying to get their attention to try to calm them down, daughter or SIL will say listen to Grandma then I carry on. To have disrespectful kids running amok must be exhausting without all the pain you constantly endure grannyscrooge and I guess keeping a routine for your son. To constantly be concerned about them intruding into your drawers and rummaging maybe breaking things or hurting themselves is just not on.
I think you need to consider yourself and think what would make you happy, you matter too.?