How to tell them you didn’t like a present!

Change the system! I would NEVER buy clothes for my family and let it be known what I like. How hard is it to suggest a few things from cheap to a bit more pricey? My birthday is rather close to Christmas and I discourage family from spending much the second time around. They are incredibly generous and I have learned not to give too many suggestions or I get them all. What about asking for vouchers - M&S which could be used for food,underwear or a treat?

Thanks for all the suggestions, most of which I have tried! I am not ungrateful and thank them nicely. I do tell them what I want. They then get that plus something else as a surprise ( they are great sons and daughters). I guess like many, what I really want is experiences not stuff!

Thank you for the comments. Reading them makes me realise presents are not what this is about. I love my kids and see 2 of them every week. Mainly when they drop off or pick up kids. again I realise I am lucky to have that sort of relationship with the children. But!! Sometimes it would be nice to have a little time with my children that are just for us. Maybe selfish as they work, have children and are busy but I miss them as people. I don’t want that expensive jumper, I want the time it took you to choose it to enjoy a chat in a coffee shop!

Its the thought that counts, I couldn't do that. However I had a sister in law, who did do that and asked me to get her something else!

My children are very good at choosing, they know my tastes well.

Cambsnan

Thank you for the comments. Reading them makes me realise presents are not what this is about. I love my kids and see 2 of them every week. Mainly when they drop off or pick up kids. again I realise I am lucky to have that sort of relationship with the children. But!! Sometimes it would be nice to have a little time with my children that are just for us. Maybe selfish as they work, have children and are busy but I miss them as people. I don’t want that expensive jumper, I want the time it took you to choose it to enjoy a chat in a coffee shop!

That makes perfect sense, Cambsnan, and I’m sure you’re not alone. Maybe try broaching that with them? Tricky maybe without sounding needy, which I’m sure you aren’t; but could you suggest that all Christmas presents for adults stop in favour of a family meal or something you’d all enjoy?

I find both choosing and receiving presents very difficult. I have already too much stuff and enough money to buy anything i might need. My adult children are the same.
This year we finally got it right. I gave them theatre vouchers and they gave me a voucher for afternoon tea.

Maybe suggest a family coffee break at a garden centre, with the chance for you to choose a plant/ gardening equipment/ something from the shop together while you are there?
Lots of garden centres have instore outlets and many have play areas for children too.

But you are so right - it's the time together that is the most precious gift of all, especially with our adult children.

Don’t.
A sweater can always be accidentally shrunk in the wash, a shirt can be irrevocably stained by grease or bolognese sauce, perfumes and smellies can be donated to charity shops , but relationships once fractured may never recover.
Otherwise, take avoiding action well in advance “I’ve been thinking I have so much stuff/so many clothes etc I’d like framed photos of the family for my birthday or a treat of an outing with you all”
Be creative and don’t hurt their feelings.

^Otherwise, take avoiding action well in advance “I’ve been thinking I have so much stuff/so many clothes etc I’d like framed photos of the family for my birthday or a treat of an outing with you all”
Be creative and don’t hurt their feelings.^

This. Seems they are wasting a lot of money

Our family always ask for ideas for birthday and Christmas gifts, sometimes with links to buy on line. I ask them to keep it simple, and suggest consumables - candles, reed diffusers, toiletries or garden vouchers. I am always delighted with the thought that goes into it. You would have to be extremely diplomatic Cambsnan to avoid hurting their feelings. Why not go shopping prior to birthdays/Christmases, pointing out items that you like. Sorry your Mum isn’t more grateful Doodledog, but there is obviously no pleasing her, is there?

Oh, yes, I also suggest framed photographs, which are always very welcome.

Doodledog

Cambsnan

Thank you for the comments. Reading them makes me realise presents are not what this is about. I love my kids and see 2 of them every week. Mainly when they drop off or pick up kids. again I realise I am lucky to have that sort of relationship with the children. But!! Sometimes it would be nice to have a little time with my children that are just for us. Maybe selfish as they work, have children and are busy but I miss them as people. I don’t want that expensive jumper, I want the time it took you to choose it to enjoy a chat in a coffee shop!

That makes perfect sense, Cambsnan, and I’m sure you’re not alone. Maybe try broaching that with them? Tricky maybe without sounding needy, which I’m sure you aren’t; but could you suggest that all Christmas presents for adults stop in favour of a family meal or something you’d all enjoy?

That’s the solution! 😊

My family usually buy me warm and practical garments because I complain of the cold a lot. I’m usually pleasantly surprised with their choice. If not I will just wear it at home so it’s not a big problem. I wouldn’t want to hurt their feelings as we have good relationships and they all work hard to earn their money.

I could never bring myself to tell DS1 that I disliked the perfume (Youthdew) he gave me one birthday. Years later when the 'What would you like for Christmas?' question came up I was able to tell all of them - not just him - that when it came to perfume, I preferred to choose my own.

Sorry your Mum isn’t more grateful Doodledog, but there is obviously no pleasing her, is there?

There's not, and we're used to it now. We do still try really hard, but I'm reaching the point where I don't know why I bother. I don't want gratitude so much as a recognition that we have bought whatever it was with the best of intentions and not to have it pointed out to be wrong.

None of this is directed at anyone on this thread - I'm just musing, but sometimes I think that there should be a reset where presents are concerned. They seem to cause more problems than ever before. I know that many people have very little these days, but the chances are that where that is the case their friends and family have little either. For those who do have enough resources, present giving and receiving can be something of a chore. So many posts on here suggest that older people often see the giving of presents as having strings - 'we have been very generous to them, but they don't do x, y, z' or as requiring effusive thanks, and they are upset when this isn't forthcoming. Cards are equated with caring, and anyone who doesn't send them is 'not bothering', rather than choosing to opt out of a fairly recent tradition that makes huge profits for the manufacturers and deliverers. Christmas sees a lot of people looking for ways to spend money on people who have enough of it and who don't want the specially produced 'gifts' that again profit the makers (often in China and other areas that don't even celebrate Christmas).

I wonder if older people remember being children when we didn't get a lot through the year, and how lovely it was to get a doll or a game that we'd wanted for months, and yes - how grateful we were to the person who gave it to us. Maybe we now hope for that sort of feeling coming back to us now that we are the ones who have everything we need and want to show our love for our own children/grandchildren in the way others did for us. Times have changed though. These days many people have too much 'stuff' and getting more of it can be a nuisance rather than a pleasure, so there is a mismatch between what generations hope for and get by way of response.

It's a lovely feeling when we choose the perfect gift for someone and get a good reaction, but sometimes people expect to be able to get love and gratitude when all they've done is order something from a list or bought an item that was produced as a 'gift'.

Still musing, but I also wonder whether people like my mum are hoping that getting a present will recreate that feeling from their own childhood (my mum was a child in the war, when there was a shortage of toys and money to buy them), but are doomed to failure as times have changed. In many ways that is cause for celebration, as nobody wants to go back to times of deprivation, but perhaps we just expect too much from the act of gift giving?

These days I stick to buying consumables/flowers/plants or days out etc. I've come to accept that choosing clothing, household items, ornaments etc for other people is really a waste of money, it's just inflicting your choices on someone else and then expecting them to like it, keep it, display it etc. I know so many people who end up keeping things they don't like/don't use because it was a present. They have houses full of stuff they would never choose for themselves. A promise of a lunch/day trip/ visit somewhere will often add a bit of sparkle later in the year when Christmas has been forgotten. There'll always be grumpy, hard to please types though, who'll find fault with everything so the best you can do with them is smile through gritted teeth and leave them to their grousing.

If someone buys me a present I don’t like I just keep quiet and feel grateful they bought me something. I have a jacket one of my daughters bought for me and it is just not something I would wear but I wouldn’t say anything for the world. Mostly I buy plants and things like bed sheets or towels ( find out what colour first) for people.

I have often got a book I would like and sometime in November I mention it to my son, relief all round he has got mum sorted out. The daughters buy really good presents I am lucky.

My MIL is 88.

This year she actually suggested me getting theatre vouchers for her and my SIL.

They were both happy with this gift.

On other occasions we have taken my MIL out for a meal. At 88 there is nothing material that she needs.

With my children, we usually ask if there is anything they want/need and get that plus a couple of small things e.g. socks, wine. There is always a book that I have had my eye on so I usually ask for that.

I know I'm not easy to please - but it's also hard when someone spends a lot on something you really do not want.

I have a list of things (regularly updated) on Giftster yet this year one son bought (in addition to the item he picked off my "i would like someday" list, a ridiculously expensive electric toothbrush.

I have no charging facility in the bathroom and can't access the plugs in the bedroom as there are only two - behind a heavy wardrobe and behind a too-heavy bed. I could charge it via an extension cable in my studio/workroom or in the study or plug it in directly in the "attic rooms" or in the kitchen, sitting room or dining room (but this all feels a bit odd to be honest).
It is unbelievably inconvenient.

My dentist has often commented on how clean my teeth are with the pulsar oral b manual brush I use.

This is an annoying and unnecessary gift.
Yes. I feel ungrateful.
It is such a waste.

Because of my gift list, this usually doesn't happen.
I'm not always prescriptive on my list - "a big brightly coloured costume jewellery brooch" "All butter shortbread" "dressmaking scissors" "new set of coasters for the sitting room" for example. Or if specific "Molecule no1 fragrance".

It normally works.
What has made him buy this toothbrush?

OK. I've written it now.
I think I feel better!

I would point out to them the things that you like. The knitwear I would wear but over the top of a t shirt or shirt. Layers are always good to keep warm. My eldest son bought me some perfume at christmas which I said I liked when I was out shopping with his wife. She had kindly gone back and bought it for me for christmas. Don’t regift it to them as I think that is just plain rude.

Not spaghetti, it doesn’t need to live in its charger and only needs occasional charging so it can be taken anywhere convenient. But as you say you have a good toothbrush already then I see your point. Sorry. No help really. Have you told him or kept quiet?

I have said I've not tried it "yet" 😬 Cabbie21 - it doesn't have a cover or I could maybe charge it on the landing plug - but it feels wrong to charge it on the floor next to the WC.

His wife popped over early today and must have spotted it. He messaged me just now "you don't have to keep it".

It feels a bit awkward really. Maybe I should suck it up and try to like it...

Surely, it is easy enough to ask them not to buy you any more woollen clothes as these make you itch these days?

You could also stretch the truth a little and tell them that the toiletries they have given you are causing trouble too, and therefore you would be grateful if they stuck to things actually on youe wishing-list in future

So cambsnan why not GIVE them a present that includes you
ie ..Tea for two at a favourite restaurant ( you and her or you and him)
An afternoon out for two
A sauna for two
A massage for two
I could go on but you get the idea and then they might get the idea too and the following birthday you may get an ’experience’ present