Mother won't make a effort

I think after five years it is a bit late to complain, but put differently, you could ask him to bring something specific.
But if I am invited for a meal, I don’t think that is sponging off the hosts.
As for money instead of presents, surely that means you can buy something you want, rather than be landed with things you neither want nor need.
Neither I nor my son and his wife need anything, and if we want something we would rather choose it ourselves.

Maybe in years gone by he hosted Xmas dinner for others and never expected anything.

Last year we invited my daughter’s partner’s Mum. As always we have a splendid (if I say so myself!) lunch, the room is always very festive and warm and welcoming. We bought her some pricey chocolates, as did my son. She gave us some things like post it notes.

I started serving up and she said “I’ve only got half a stomach so don’t give me too much”. Well I already knew that but for the rest of the meal this vision of a butchered stomach stayed with me. 🤮🤮

We have laughed about this many times over the year and I think that’s how you have to look at things like people coming empty handed.

By not asking this chap to contribute, in many ways you are encouraging his ‘tightness’. I understand asking him to contribute in some way might be awkward, but he obviously doesn’t have a conscience about taking each Christmas, this might be the year a suggestion is made, especially as his behaviour rankles.

wine and crackers are hardly essential. Ditto chocolates.

😯 Bah humbug!
🍷🍫🎉

I think giving money is fine, that's what we'll be doing this year, so they can all choose what they want, plus a little gift each to open on Christmas Day.

We'll take the puddings, wine, chocolates, anything else we think they might need. That's the least someone can do if someone else is cooking the dinner.

It makes me laugh when an 84 year old's manfriend is described as a boyfriend. 😁
I know it's the usual term but they're not boys!

When my mum was 84 I would have loved her to come for Christmas dinner, and not expect anything in return. Make the most of the Christmasses you have left.

Although she never had a boyfriend, but I've known people like this. It's Christmas, the season of giving and sharing so I would just relax and maybe buy him a joke present like a piggy bank so he can save up and make a contribution next year! Then sit down and watch A Christmas Carol together and make comments about how Scrooge was right all along!

It is also your Christmas too so cook stuff you want and drink plenty of wine- worked for me!

One year on Christmas Eve my DIL informed me her mother would be coming up for Christmas after all. She had changed her mind. She was to stay at our house for 3 nights. She didn't bring a bottle of wine, chocolates, nothing. I rushed to M and S an got her some lovely pj's. I know you shouldn't expect, but a gesture would have been nice. lol!

If you can afford and want to give them a nice Christmas meal each year, why do you need anything in return? I wouldn't expect my mum to bring anything (not that she could as she's dead but I wouldn't expect it anyway). Your mum might not be around for much longer.

If you can't afford it or don't want to do it, then don't.

I think this is about you resenting the boyfriend (which you're perfectly entitled to do) more than anything.

WARNING: Total bah humbug mood: wine and crackers are hardly essential. Ditto chocolates.

If you invite people, I agree it is good manners for them to bring a small gift, but unless when you issue an invitation you make it clear that you cannot afford to provide all the food and drink, I don' t think you can reasonably ask them to contribute.

Frankly, a lot of elderly people cannot be bothered shopping for presents - if your mother pays, then I would grin and bear it rather than risk rocking the boat.

It could be worse, my mother in her old age changed from being the most generous person on earth as far as giving presents was concerned and suddenly started giving us something we neither needed or wanted from the pound shop. I would greatly have preferred her to hand over however much or little money she felt she could afford.

After accepting it for 5 years they probably think it’s acceptable to you.
‘Looking forward to seeing you mum could you and xx please bring xx, that would be great’

Re the food I would do just that tell what you need to complete the meal e.g. Mum could you bring the wine/pudding/crackers this year. Some people need to be asked directly they don't think if it for themselves.

To be honest Mum handing over the cash wouldnt be a problem as it means you get to choose something you absolutely want and the right size!!
But I would be saying that SO can bring the wine(?) and it should be a nice red and you will need x number of bottles for the table. And you would appreciate her bringing some nice chocolates too.
If you dont set boundaries, you cant complain...

Some people are like that and don't reciprocate. If it's only once a year I wouldn't be too concerned. For your Mum's sake, just grin and bear it. As for your Mum, I wouldn't worry about the presents either. Just don't get her anything or just get something small. Don't buy yourself anything "from her". You will probably never get the money back in any case. You will never change people. Don't bother trying as you could end up falling out. Best to keep quiet (and seethe inwardly!).

Don't invite them this year

It would be good manners for your Mum’s SO to bring you flowers or wine but not everyone is socially aware.
Ask your Mum to get you a voucher from your fave shops in future, easy for her to do but a bit nicer than her handing you the money and she also chooses the amount given.