First Christmas completely alone

Agree with Calendargirl, I’d find the whole ‘let’s get 20 lonely people together and make them all happy’ thing just more off putting than being at home on my own.

Pastel - I’m sorry you’re feeling the way you do, just bite your lip and get on with having a lovely nice cosy Christmas all by yourself - no stress, no extra cooking. 😄
Everything will look better in a few weeks.

At the risk of sounding a selfish misery, if I was spending Christmas alone, I would stay at home, eat what I liked, watch what I liked, rather than go to a charity ‘do’ with others in the same position.

The thought of sitting with people I don’t really know, in paper hats and pulling crackers, would fill me with horror.

That’s just me, if others want to do it, that’s fine.

Pastel

I really don’t want this to be a moan, but I am absolutely devastated about the coming Christmas and just need someone to talk to. I am a widow of some eight years standing and I’ve tried during this time to build a life for myself and try to look forward as much as I can. I have two sons both with families and this year both are going away with their respective in-laws. This means that I will be completely alone. I think I could’ve coped with this but neither told me what was happening and I was left to find out from my grandchildren. I have always tried to be very fair and understand that married children have to be even handed with time at Christmas but it seems that the other parents make demands on time spent with them something which I have tried not to do so that I don’t appear needy. I know I will get through the day but even writing this the tears are rolling down my cheeks. Has anyone else had to cope with this and how have you got through it?

Ahh poor you. I don’t know what to suggest, have you any friends that are own there own? Could you visit them?
Sending hugs 🫂🫂🫂🫂

Two things strike me. Are each of your sons aware of the other’s plans? Maybe not and perhaps they assume you will spend Christmas with the other one. Secondly I don’t think you tell them how you feel so how can they know. We parents don’t want to appear needy but there’s no point in pretending to feel one way if you feel another way. There’s no shame in saying if you feel lonely. They can’t read your mind. Finally as many people on here will tell you sons invariably veer towards the wife’s family. I don’t know why it is so but it usually is. As someone upthread said it’s only a Wednesday.

I do feel for you Pastel. I think your sons have been very thoughtless in not letting you know their plans . Maybe there’s been a lack of communication between them and each thought you’d be with the other .
I do think that with sons the dils control Christmas, well that’s the situation with my brother and his wife .
Plan a spoil yourself day and maybe come on here. I’m sure there are others in your situation. Easy for me to say as I haven’t been in your situation, but it could come .

Thank you, everyone, for your support and suggestions. It is still painful, but I will make the best of the day and try to look forward to better days.. I’m grateful to everybody for their help and feel less alone now x

Children can get so wrapped up in their own plans and don't give a thought to what mum/mil is doing. I understand how hurt you must feel but don't spoil what may be a good relationship with them for one day at Christmas. They have been thoughtless rather than selfish.
Now you know you have the day to yourself try to enjoy it as others have advised.

Dear Auntie E what a brilliant idea
I do think it's interesting that the first Christmas that that couple had nowhere to go and had to go in with the animals.
A friend of mine has been told her only daughter has other plans this year. And is understandably upset.
My daughter is working both days and so is her husband.
I do have DH but if he wasn't there I would have to plan something.
I do feel for you.

Surely, it isn't too late to find someone you could spend Christmas Day with? And I would think you can still be in time to join a group that are being hosted by Lions or the Salvation Army or suchlike.

I fully understand why you find it upsetting that your children did not mention that they would be spending Christmas with their in-laws. I find it exasperating too, when my son waits until the end of November to tell me what their plans for Christmas are. This year, I had already arranged with the Red Cross that I would host dinner at my house for any lonely people who would like to come and had invited two visitors, just so I would not sound needy when he asked.

It was probably just an oversight on your children's behalf you know.

I hope you manage to have a nice day, whatever you chose to do.

Sorry to hear this Pascal it was thoughtless of them to not let you know I have a similar issue going on myself so I can appreciate how you must feel.
There are some good suggestions on here although I understand it doesn’t take the hurt away. Sometimes we just need a good vent.
Sometimes the anticipation is worse than the actual event so I hope you have the best day you can whatever you decide to do🌺🌺

Whilst I recall from needy people in general, I would hope that if I'm in this situation in the future, that my children would liaise with one another and at least one of them invite me. I think your children have been incredibly selfish.
That said, I can't wait to have a Christmas on my own, with my dogs and my elderly cat. I'm really past socialising now my AC are grown. Hope you have a lovely day, whatever you do.

It’s not being considered that hurts. I know wives usually put their own mother first but surely the couple could give a thought to mom. I think its selfish but you cant alter it.
If I were to have the day in my own I would make the best of it.
Try not to think why as it won’t solve anything and just make you sad. I would have a meal that I know I will enjoy, eat what I fancy and have all the TV programmes on which I like.. Just one day. Come on here and talk to those in same position on here. Its a hard day for a lot of people.

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way Pastel, it was thoughtless of them not to let you know. Maybe each thought you’d be with the other? There will be people chatting on GN on Christmas Day so I hope you’ll join them and not feel so alone. But do get yourself some nice food (and drink!), put your feet up and watch exactly what you want on the telly!

Many years ago when faced with a similar predicament I joined a tour group for a seasonal trip to Paris. Best decision I ever made. I remember it fondly even after all these years.

That’s a good idea Squiffy.
I’m sorry you are sad not to have been told about your son’s alternative arrangements.
My son usually does what his wife arranges. Sometimes it includes us, sometimes not.
Nevertheless it was thoughtless of them not to let you know.

Pastel, There’s another thread on GN that I’ve just spotted. It might be a way of having some company over Christmas - even if it is just virtual.

Here’s the link:

www.gransnet.com/forums/chat/1343441--Feeling-Lonely-Let-s-Chat-and-Support-Each-Other

Sorry Pastel it’s on the Christmas thread.

Christmas can be such a difficult time. Sorry that you were not told about your children’s plans Pastel. I do hope you can arrange something so that you don’t feel so alone. Volunteering with a local charity maybe? Is there someone you know who will also be on their own? You could arrange to spend the day together. A lovely long walk, if the weather is kind, where you might get to chat with others? People are generally in a good frame of mind at Christmas and willing to start up a conversation. There is another thread on Chat, inviting others who are on their own to comment. 💐

look forward to the Spring

Oh Yes please!

That’s tough Pastel. Do you have a friend or neighbour who is also going to be on their own on C. Day? Could you get together and share a meal and some Christmas cheer? Ask around.

I have a feeling that maybe your sons haven’t realised you will be completely on your own. I would let it be known that since you are on your own this year you are considering other options so you are not alone.

I agree with the above. What other Wednesday of the year would we all get stressed about cooking an elaborate roast meal and feeling cross because our children are somewhere else.? Take away the religious meaning of Xmas and it's just another day out of 365. The media bombard us with tables laden with food, what you should be doing this year for a special table setting, articles on how to handle difficult relatives you have to invite but don't want to be with. I feel for the OP because her children sound thoughtless and yes, I think a lot of the younger generation are selfish too. As others have said, plan a day for yourself where you can eat some lovely food, stay in your pyjamas if you want to and watch programmes you have recorded or treat yourself to a box set, feet up in front of the fire. It's 24 hours to get through after which many many families will face the new year heavily in debt and wonder why they did it. There will be people out there struggling with illness, the death of loved ones and all the other tragedies that we see across this world. Stay calm, have a peaceful day and look forward to the Spring.

I wonder when this pressure to have a " family Christmas" started?

It's such an odd time of year.
Not everybody is having a great time.

I don’t think it’s being alone that pastel is upset about but that she wasn’t considered at all
I m sure if they d talked it over and said ‘mum this year we ve been invited to xs family for Christmas’ Pastel would have had an opportunity to be prepared and make her own plans and arrangements but to suddenly find everyone will be away without a thought is hurtful
I hope you can do something that ll get you through it Pastel
Do come on GN if not, there ll be others around for a chat for sure Try to find a positive out of a negative x

I seems to me that it’s not so much the fact you will be alone on the day that bothers you, more that the family haven’t considered that, and discussed it with you.

So I understand how you feel.

As others have said, because you come across as not being ‘needy’, they have been rather thoughtless and cavalier in how they have approached it all.

It is only one day though. Try and make the most of doing and eating just what you want to do.

I am not alone now but have been in the past. I have always acknowledged that my AC, both married with children, are 'their own family unit' and I have never assumed they would invite me.
When I did live alone I would volunteer a shift swap and cover Christmas Day for a colleague, after I retired I would volunteer at a local care home or hospital - there's always someone who never gets a visitor and the staff are always grateful for extra hands to help or just to chat to lonely patients.
Now I have a live-in partner we much prefer to be on our own. We visit the AC's and GC just before the 25th to exchange presents and we talk on the phone after the children have opened presents.
The rest of the day is spent either watching TV together or in our respective craft space. It is only ONE day after all.