First Christmas completely alone

I feel really sad for you that your sons have made no thought or consideration for you. I don't know why you could have been invited to join one of them at their in laws really.

Now that you are alone and coming to terms with being a widow do you belong to any groups or have other friends that you see socially? Perhaps if you know any other people who might be alone could you invite some of them to visit you and you could all celebrate Christmas day together?

bluebird243

As the mother of 2 married sons I've experienced the DiL's family taking priority on Christmas Day for years. So I'm used to the day on my own although one son does pop in for an hour or so.
To be honest I'm past caring. I eat exactly what I would like, when I like, light the log burner and watch everything I want to on TV or go out for a long walk. Generally I pamper myself.
I see one DiL on Christmas Eve as it's her birthday [and hand over all my presents for them], then the other son on Boxing day so that way I also see the [4] grandchildren.
I'm just bemused that they can all feel it's ok as I live on my own and a special day with them would be lovely. But I admit I enjoy the peace now I'm older.
Just to add I would never have seen my own Grandmother or Mother on their own on Christmas Day no matter who I was married to or who was my partner. Different times.

I hope you will enjoy your Christmas Pastel whatever you do to make it easier for you. Just pamper and treat yourself any way you like.

That's awful, Bluebird. I would also never have seen my parents or in-laws on their own at Christmas, nor any family member. But my sister is happy to leave her immediate family members on their own even in dire circs, like having cancer. I could never. Yes, different times.

Pastel

I am heartened by all the comments and lovely messages but I agree that a Christmas “do” or volunteering on the day is not for me. At the end of the day you go home alone to an empty house so you might as well enjoy home and stay cosy!
I am lucky that I have a dog so we will share Christmas dinner. Thinking about it (or trying not to!!) it was the lack of communication and involvement which hurts the most.

You'll "share" Christmas dinner with your dog? Don't you mean that Doggie will wolf down all the meat unless you keep a gimlet eye fixed firmly on them? 😂 Remember, when it comes to sharing food, dogs are NOT man's best friend!!!

bluebird243

As the mother of 2 married sons I've experienced the DiL's family taking priority on Christmas Day for years. So I'm used to the day on my own although one son does pop in for an hour or so.
To be honest I'm past caring. I eat exactly what I would like, when I like, light the log burner and watch everything I want to on TV or go out for a long walk. Generally I pamper myself.
I see one DiL on Christmas Eve as it's her birthday [and hand over all my presents for them], then the other son on Boxing day so that way I also see the [4] grandchildren.
I'm just bemused that they can all feel it's ok as I live on my own and a special day with them would be lovely. But I admit I enjoy the peace now I'm older.
Just to add I would never have seen my own Grandmother or Mother on their own on Christmas Day no matter who I was married to or who was my partner. Different times.

I hope you will enjoy your Christmas Pastel whatever you do to make it easier for you. Just pamper and treat yourself any way you like.

I find this really difficult to understand as I'm sure you do Bluebird.. Have you ever asked why they don't invite you?..

When we had a family christmas we always invited both sets of parents.. It was accepted that we were all family and everybody made the effort to get on.. and they were all grandparents.. I really hope you manage to have a nice day..

It is just one day, and it's incredibly hyped up.
Ask most people "Did you have a nice Christmas?" and they'll say "Yeah, it was quiet"

I'm so sorry. I'm in a similar situation, as this year is the first Christmas in my life that I'll have no family to spend it with. (Last parent died three months ago, I'm recently divorced and single, and my sister wants Christmas only with her husband and kids.)

I think the thought is probably worse than the reality. We do put too much on this one day. I was lucky to have a friend to go away with this year, but in the future, I will almost certainly have to face Christmas Day alone. You can always go to church and then wear yourself out with a long walk in the afternoon. It doesn't matter if you're not religious, you will at least be able to see other people, and also lots of people are out walking too. You'll probably feel stronger after getting through it.

Best of luck. Do try not to let it get you down. It IS only one day, after all.

been not Benn!

I absolutely empathise Pastel. It’s not just being on your own, many on GN face that or have given in and joined up with more distant family members, feeling like “Granny in the corner” , but it’s the thoughtlessness of your family not to get their act together and make it up to you for their (to me ) selfishness.
Yes it was an “oversight” but one which should not have occurred and I would ignore the well intentioned advice to “find someone you could spend Christmas Day with”.
Perhaps since you lost your DH you have Benn perceived as “having coped” too well, I can identify with not wanting to appear needy after bereavement and I suppose to some people at 7 (me) or 8 years (you) on, it is assumed you are “over it”.
Hmm, there’s no such thing as “over it” though is there?

There’s alone and there’s lonely. I hope all who are in the former category can somehow avoid being also in the second.

BA69. The first Christmas is always hard and my husband loved Christmas. Raise a glass to him and remember the happy times x

I am on my own too Pastel, as my husband passed in August. This is my first Christmas on my own but I have no children, I have been dreading it but I have decided I will do just what I want to do, stay in my pjs if I want, and have a nice little easy meal cooked in my air fryer and a few glasses of wine, perhaps a baileys. If I feel like having cry I will. I will be coming on here for a chat sometime during the day and raising a glass to all the lovely people who are on their own. Hope you do the same. Take care it will soon be over|

As the mother of 2 married sons I've experienced the DiL's family taking priority on Christmas Day for years. So I'm used to the day on my own although one son does pop in for an hour or so.
To be honest I'm past caring. I eat exactly what I would like, when I like, light the log burner and watch everything I want to on TV or go out for a long walk. Generally I pamper myself.
I see one DiL on Christmas Eve as it's her birthday [and hand over all my presents for them], then the other son on Boxing day so that way I also see the [4] grandchildren.
I'm just bemused that they can all feel it's ok as I live on my own and a special day with them would be lovely. But I admit I enjoy the peace now I'm older.
Just to add I would never have seen my own Grandmother or Mother on their own on Christmas Day no matter who I was married to or who was my partner. Different times.

I hope you will enjoy your Christmas Pastel whatever you do to make it easier for you. Just pamper and treat yourself any way you like.

whereabouts do you live?? Have read a lot of your posts over time

I agree with many comments already made above. You could either do like the queen and have an "official" christmas day later and on the actual day, just treat it like any wednesday, doing the washing or whatever, but definitely have something you enjoy eating etc. Then you can plan your "official" date to go to do something you would really enjoy. Trip to the Ballet, or theatre, spa day or whatever. I am a widow and live alone - have written a spiel on the chat page, so wont go into it all again, but just hoping that I might get back here and have a shower and be able to use my own bed, but havent seen any pigs flying overhead yet!! Oh by the way, when you take your "official " day out dont bother to let your family know! If they then ring up wondering why you were not at home etc etc, you have the option to remind them that they didnt let you know etc at christmas! When my husband was alive , we thought it was a lovely treat to have roast beef and yorkshire pudding etc etc for our christmas. Then when we visited family or friends and they would say rather mournfully " Would you like a turkey sandwich?" they were pleased that we were very happy to eat one. Win/Win!! Some months ago on here I tried to see if there were enough Gransnetters in my vicinity , as would have been happy to meet up for coffee or whatever but not a lot at that time in North Yorks. You can be sure that I will be on here on Christmas day at some time and so we can keep in touch and know that we are happy to share some thoughts together and might get some good ideas. I am a singer and so for me , going to a carol concert, singing with various groups and the Christmas midnight service followed by a lot of wonderful J S Bach throughout the day will lift my spirits and I shall remember the many and varied musical christmas of the pasts. (To cheer yourself up, have a go at singing the Yorkshire version of While Shepherds Watched , sung to the tune of Ilkley Moor baht Hat!! Works very well and is much more fun to sing to that tune!!! I have lived in various different countries and in a lot of places in Britian, so when the conductor says "I would like descant on verse 3" I ask which one they want and they often only know one , but of course there are many local variations and people are surprised to hear new versions to try out. I shall definitely be singing "in the Bleak Midwinter" to the Harold Dark tune at some point. One of my favourites. So although I shall miss being with family and friends on the day, I shall thoroughly enjoy listening to all the carols and of course joining in with many and then peace and quiet to allow me to listen to J S Bach with no interruptions , banging doors etc. That will be bliss for me and no one talking over the top of it. So if you watch any of the services or hear radio 3 , you can know that I shall think of you and hope that you have had a better day than you expected and who knows we might meet up one day in the new year. All the best

Calendargirl

At the risk of sounding a selfish misery, if I was spending Christmas alone, I would stay at home, eat what I liked, watch what I liked, rather than go to a charity ‘do’ with others in the same position.

The thought of sitting with people I don’t really know, in paper hats and pulling crackers, would fill me with horror.

That’s just me, if others want to do it, that’s fine.

Me too Calendargirl. It's 24 hours, good to come out the other side with sanity intact.

I hope you are feeling a bit more cheerful Pastel. There is a lot of common sense displayed on Gransnet which is why I'm always looking at it ! I too couldn't face a get together with people I didn't know or have to pretend a false jollity that I didn't feel. I do however really admire the thoughtful volunteers who give up their time to provide Xmas lunch for those who have absolutely nobody. You don't fall into that bracket, you have just been thoughtlessly sidelined this year; enjoy an indulgent day when you can do exactly as you like so that when the family ask about you just say you had a lovely day, much better than you expected and that you intend to do it again next year, God willing!

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I’m sorry that you’re being treated like this. I do have a DH to share Christmas with, but also know only too well what it’s like to be second fiddle to the other In Laws. Over the years we have adjusted any expectations and enjoy our day.
I agree with those who suggest making it ‘your’ day and doing what pleases you. I’d definitely factor in a walk, as you’ve said that you’re in a village, I’m sure there’ll be other walkers to say good morning, Happy Christmas to.
I’m also one that would hate any forced ‘get togethers’, unless it was popping round to MissAdvenure with a bottle!
Whatever you do I hope it’s peaceful and enjoyable.

So sorry, perhaps you could volunteer, my husband before we married used to volunteer at a homeless centre on Christmas day, it's worthwhile and you will meet others in the same boat, make decent friends for future activities

Well, it could end up as being something a bit different, at the least, is my thinking.
Maybe a living room full of drunken strangers?

MissAdventure that’s so kind of you.
The true spirit of Christmas.

I am heartened by all the comments and lovely messages but I agree that a Christmas “do” or volunteering on the day is not for me. At the end of the day you go home alone to an empty house so you might as well enjoy home and stay cosy!
I am lucky that I have a dog so we will share Christmas dinner. Thinking about it (or trying not to!!) it was the lack of communication and involvement which hurts the most.

If anyone lives near me, they're welcome to phone, pop over for a cuppa, or dinner, or to do whatever they want, as long as its legal.

It's a shame I don't drive, and taxis are double cost, but the offer is there.

I do feel for you, Pastel, not least because of the lack of communication. With two daughters and one son, I know how some sons can be uncommunicative. At times, I know more about the daily life of my daughter who lives in Australia than my son in the UK! As others have said, it’s often the DiL's who make the plans for the family.

I had an enforced solo Christmas in 2020 due to DH being unable to leave France (Covid restrictions) and other offspring being in “bubbles” with in laws, etc. After attending an early socially distanced (!) church service, I enjoyed tasty food, some fizz and watched TV.

Would it be possible to plan an alternative day to spend with your sons and their families before or after Christmas? After all, it was once the case that celebrations extended over the whole 12 days. I believe our late Queen kept the Christmas tree up until Candlemas which is in early February.

I hope that sharing your concerns on here will have enabled you to feel more positive about Christmas Day. Gransnet is always open…..! 💐

Calandergirl I m with you I d treat it as a Sunday go for a walk if weathers nice if not hunker down with a nice meal and a bottle of wine and either a book or tv it’s over pretty quickly