Care to share a bit of humour?

I had to share two of these stories with my DH. The one about the wish for a 12" pianist, and the dog named Jesus. He laughed for five minutes! This is a great way to forget our troubles. Thank you all.

Great thread. Just what we need. I must try to think of one...

I heard what I thought was a great joke today....

A mother and son are on a plane together.
PILOT: Is there a doctor on the flight?
MOTHER: That should have been you
SON: Not now Mum
MOTHER: I see they aren't calling for a graphic designrer to help...
SON: Mum, there is a medical emergency going on right now!
MOTHER: Well maybe you could save him in pdf?

This

Great thread. Just what we need. I must try to think of one
annep1 Good Evening! Don't bother; I can PM a couple of dozen to you for FREE!

Apparently there's a shortage of suitable wood for caskets, so will glass coffins become popular?
"Remains to be seen!"

Baby polar baby asks daddy polar bear, are you sure I’m a polar bear ? Of course you are silly , he then goes to mummy polar bear and says daddy says I’m a polar bear , is this true ?yes, says mummy polar bear ,why do you keep asking this , baby polar bear answered ,cos I’m bloody freezing !!

Another baby polar bear sat out in the snow one evening with his parents while they told their tales.

First Daddy polar bear told a long tale of leaping from one ice floe to the next, and catching seals for them to eat.

Then Mummy polar bear told a longer tale of digging a snow cave and living in it with baby bear until he was old enough to come out into the big world.

Then they turned to hear baby bear's tale.

"My tail is told" he said.

This is worth repeating! A bit like baked beans really!
An elderly couple, who were both widowed had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they finally decided it was time to get married.
Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how long their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked rather tentatively.
" I would like it infrequently" she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment...adjusted his glasses and leaned over towards her and whispered,
"Excuse me, but is that one word or two?"

OoRoo

This!

is that your apartment block Jane ?

Yes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are going camping. They pitch their tent under the stars and go to sleep. In the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."

Watson looked at the sky and replied dreamily "I see millions of stars, and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

Holmes said "Watson, you idiot, it means somebody's stolen our tent!"

A wife said to her husband one morning:
"What would you like for breakfast? I can do you a full English if you'd like"
He replied:
"I'm not really hungry thanks, must be this Viagra I'm taking"
At lunchtime, she said
"How about some home-made soup and fresh bread?"
His reply was the same:
"I'm not really hungry thanks, must be this Viagra I'm taking"
As dinner time approached, she tried to tempt him again:
"I could do some steak and chips with all the trimmings for dinner?"
"I'm not really hungry thanks, must be this Viagra I'm taking", he replied.
"Well will you get off me then, cos I'm bloody starving!!"

Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Oh s---, I forgot to feed the dog!"

.........................

And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life.

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

.......................

The teacher gives Robin a sum to work out:

"Robin, if you have £3 in one pocket and £8.50 in the other, what would you have?"

Robin replies "Somebody else's trousers on, miss".

.

That last one was told by a hospital consultant - it certainly lightened the mood
Mattjo Sorry;! Can't get it!
This one told to me by the night nurse at 3.00am during my recent hospital visit.

" Why do they put Viagra. in the supper of elderly gents in nursing homes?
Prevents them from rolling out of bed in the middle of the night!"

A doctor sat down beside his patient and said, "Well, I have good news and bad news"

"Go on, get it over with and give me the bad news" said the man.

"I'm afraid we'll have to amputate your legs"

"Well, what's the good news then"?

"The man in the bed next to you has offered to buy your slippers"

Three old grannies walking along the road.

First granny---"It's windy today".

Second granny----"No it's not. It's Thursday".

Third granny---"Oh yes, so am I. Lets go and get a cup of tea".

There is to be a new social media site; an amalgamation of Twitter and Facebook.

It'll be called Twitface.

Mattjo I can't get it. ?

For you, Rufus2 -
"What do you call a man with no shins? Toe-knee"

It's not as funny when you spell it out.

For you, Rufus2
What do you call a man with no shins? Toe-knee

Elegran Pathetic! So how does it become funny?
Please take it back!

MissAdventure, my friend’s husband was taken to hospital because he thought he was a sofa. When she phoned, they told her he was comfortable.

Boom boom Daddima!