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Feeling upset today ?

(23 Posts)
Want2Help Wed 01-Apr-20 16:35:16

Can i have a whinge? ... (please be kind as I'm feeling upset)

Ever since the Covid-19 lockdown, I've made a real effort to keep as positive and and upbeat as I possibly can around DH. But these past few days it's been getting more and more difficult. He's drinking a bit too much wine in the evening (a bottle at least) and unfortunately this makes him snore like a road drill!!! After losing sleep for nights on end I began bringing it to his attention, along with the fact that its affecting my sleep badly. Last night he began again, I gently nudged him to alert him that he was again snoring and around half an hour later, he picked up his pillows, muttered something inaudible and went into the other bedroom, banging the door shut as he went. It really upset me and has spoiled today completely. I suggested today that if he didn't have so much to drink he wouldn't snore (this is a fact btw as he doesn't). Suffice to say the atmosphere hasn't been nice and I'm trying to keep out of the way. Currently taken myself off to bed as I feel quite low and of course very tired. Sorry to rant, feels good to say it as it is though so thank you for reading thanks

SueDonim Wed 01-Apr-20 16:46:51

Snoring is a bone of contention in so many households and it’s bad enough when it’s not self-inflicted. flowers

Can you move into the spare room? Make it cosy for yourself and tell your Dh that’s what you’ll be doing if he persists in his drinking habit?

Ilovecheese Wed 01-Apr-20 16:54:11

Could you prepare the spare room for yourself, then go to bed with your husband as normal, then when he is snoring, quietly slip out of bed to the spare room.
I know that might look as if you are being punished for his behaviour but rather the spare room than endless rows while you are stuck in together.
If he is annoyed when he finds you gone, say that you were finding it difficult to drop off and that you didn't want to disturb him.
I would not normally recommend giving in to him like this but maybe that will be the only way to preserve a pleasant atmosphere until things get back to normal.

SalsaQueen Wed 01-Apr-20 16:58:16

You've got my sympathy. My husband snores terribly, and more so if he's had a drink - which isn't often. The noise is so bad that when we've been on holiday, people in the next room of the hotel have banged on the wall!

He usually sleeps in the spare room, which is the one the GC use when they stay.

He's reluctantly tried nose strips and mouthguard things, a throat spray, and I've tried earplugs (I can hear him with those in, he's so loud) I've suggested he sees the GP (obviously not at the moment), but he's really selfish and refuses to go.

He is 61, fit and healthy, off work due to furloughing, and is currently snoring on the settee. angry

I'd suggest you make your man sleep in a different room. The lack of sleep will do you no good.

SirChenjin Wed 01-Apr-20 17:06:19

Alcohol exacerbates snoring as it relaxes the muscles. It sounds like he’s got a bit of a drinking problem - more than a bottle a night is wayyyy more than the recommended guidelines - but instead of acknowledging it and doing something about it, it sounds like he’s taking his frustrations out on you as the big mean lady who’s pointed out the problem - he’s in the denial phase at the moment. Do you know what’s behind his excessive drinking?

Snoring is a hideous thing to sleep next to and there’s no reason why you should have to, so if there’s a spare room then definitely move into that. Whether you do that as he starts to snore or whether you make a stand and tell him it’s how it’s going to be is up to you - you’ll know what you feel most comfortable with. In the meantime, there are resources online which might be able to help in encouraging him to cut down - maybe worth a look? I hope it works out for you, it sounds awful thanks

Smileless2012 Wed 01-Apr-20 17:11:17

Good advice from Ilovecheese Want2Help at least you'll get a decent nights sleep. There's nothing worse than being kept awake by someone else's snoring.

EllanVannin Wed 01-Apr-20 17:14:56

I would say that the spare room is your saving grace so the longer he hits the bottle you settle yourself in " your own " room without the need to get up in the night or even have words with him. Sooner or later he'll get the message.
No use making things worse. Least said--------

sodapop Wed 01-Apr-20 17:22:18

Snoring is so irritating, it's the gaps in between waiting for the next snore. We have separate rooms due to ill health and snoring (both of us) . Make the spare room into a cosy space for yourself as SueDonim said and enjoy a good night's sleep.
It does seem like a lot of alcohol if he is drinking this every night want2help is he worried unduly about the virus, family etc. Maybe he will listen to another family member if not to you.

Fiachna50 Wed 01-Apr-20 17:24:16

I know a couple that had a terrible problem with this. Unfortunately they both snored very badly. They made the joint decision to move into two separate rooms. I hasten to add, it worked very well for them.

Hithere Wed 01-Apr-20 17:26:01

How often does he drink that much?
While snoring is very annoying and maybe a danger to health (symptom of something going on), I am worried about alcoholism

eazybee Wed 01-Apr-20 17:27:31

I would be more concerned with the wine drinking; a bottle a night ?

Juliet27 Wed 01-Apr-20 17:29:06

Why is it not the snorer who should move into the spare room ?!

SirChenjin Wed 01-Apr-20 17:37:41

It should be Juliet! It sounds like it would just be easier though for Want to move into the spare room while he's being belligerent.

welbeck Wed 01-Apr-20 18:22:43

i agree with the others.
good sleep is so important to health and well-being, mental and physical.
so i think that is the priority at the moment.
you repair to the spare room, and get some restorative sleep.
i would be careful about mentioning his drinking to him, esp at the moment, during lockdown. he may see it as nagging and take to it more to escape or to assert his autonomy. people have to see for themselves that it is a problem, before they can change.
perhaps you can look up al-anon for advice. good luck.

Want2Help Wed 01-Apr-20 20:36:28

Thank you all so very much for your comments, advice and experiences. It's definitely true that moving to spare room is better than risking further 'fallout' during lockdown! Strangely enough, he hasn't touched a drop tonight ... yes once he starts he can easily polish off a bottle to himself (and that's most nights). As far as what causes him to drink, he's suffered low moods since taking early retirement around 15yrs ago. He left work on a bad note tbh and I rather suspect he ended up alienated from his colleagues due to depression. He's had a little bit of therapy over the years but always seems to find a reason why he doesn't need to continue. I have encouraged him to get help but (yes he's very stubborn!!) it's like talking to the proverbial brick wall... I don't and can't understand how it can be better to live with a constant low mood rather than getting help.
His low moods have impacted on our family life greatly over the years. He's almost alienated himself from our adult sons and their families over the years, it's been tough. But honestly, thank you all again! I felt immediate relief once I'd "told it as it is". thanks

Hithere Wed 01-Apr-20 20:38:42

So the snoring is the very least of your problems.

Hetty58 Wed 01-Apr-20 20:43:29

My lodger was fond of a drink and snored very loudly. I insisted that he saw his GP about it. He wore a sleep monitor overnight, was diagnosed with two different types of sleep apnea, and given a CPAP machine.

He used it at night - yet refused to when napping during the day, despite my nagging him about it. He died suddenly (at his house) earlier this month.

Snoring loudly can be a sign of this dangerous condition, so I'd advise anyone to get it checked out.

Starblaze Wed 01-Apr-20 20:45:46

He doesn't sound like a nice person at all. Move him to the spare room, or a spare house if possible.

SirChenjin Wed 01-Apr-20 20:47:36

Oh dear Want, that sounds awful thanks The spare room sounds like a good place to be given all you’ve just said and it’s entirely up to you to decide if you want to move back in to the marital bedroom or not - there’s no rule anywhere that says you have to stay, you know.

Pikachu Wed 01-Apr-20 21:32:32

Why don’t you do up the spare room as your own special safe place. I love my bedroom (DH snores so we sleep apart very amicably)

I’ve done it up to my taste and I have a computer up there and a nice space to work or just read. Sometimes if I need to chill I take myself off there.

Gaunt47 Wed 01-Apr-20 21:40:57

There you are Want , you've got rather a nice lockdown project to get on with smile Have fun rearranging the room to your taste and for your convenience!

Chewbacca Wed 01-Apr-20 22:08:50

My ex snored like a bison, especially after having a drink; so much so that neighbours hammered on the bedroom wall once. Constant interrupted sleep isn't funny; move into the spare room OP. If your husband doesn't like that, well then he'll have to do something about his snoring won't he.

Want2Help Wed 01-Apr-20 22:13:33

Awww you're all so supportive, thank you!!
Must admit, the spare room looks to be the 'place to be' during these coming weeks and months! I feel very understood by you all ... what a fantastic resource GN /G.Netters really is!!! ?